Ok, that cable goes there, the antenna goes there,
I can never get the magic channel on this stupid thing.
Well, I'm trying to do my-!
Homework.
They're doin' a segment on the miss magical world beauty pageant.
Ok, now, perfect. Don't move.
Whoo whee! Now there's some fine lookin' lassies.
You know, call me old school.
But a fine looking Lassie
should only have one head.
Yeah, yeah. You're blockin' my view.
Big women, big dreams.
Who will Mr. Pandarus choose?
Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!
Wait. Eli pandarus?
Yeah, he's sponsoring the pageant,
holding it on his private island. Ooh.
Eli pandarus... lying, cheating evil wizard.
All I know is the guy who organized
the first magical beauty pageant
can't be all bad.
Think again, genius.
Hey, the oracle twins.
Hi. We had a vision of the pageant.
Pandarus is up to something.
Something unspeakably horrible.
Whoa, whoa!
And Jake's gonna fall.
Aw, man.
Dragon up!
Whoa!
Ya heard!
Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
Fu dog! Have you been messing with the antenna again?
No. Heh heh.
Of course not. Unh!
Ooh, look at those heels.
She's gonna have a tough time
look, I can figure out what pandarus is up to. No sweat.
But since you guys are hooked up with future on demand,
why don't you just save me the trouble?
Unh. It's not that easy.
We know something bad's gonna happen.
But we don't know what or how.
It's not an exact science.
Enough! We must go to pandarus island.
Yo, g., his island is sealed up tight,
and I'm guessing his mortal enemies aren't on the guest list.
Unless, of course, he's having a mortal enemy party.
Which I seriously doubt, and if he is, then...
Enough! We must go to pandarus island.
We are not allowed onto the island.
Now there's a face that could launch 1,000 ships,
or just one headed for pandarus island. Heh.
This is what I call a mission. Hoo hoo!
Fu dog, I haven't seen you in a gnome's age.
Jake, buddy, you remember v-v-Veronica.
I don't know. Fu, I'm sorry.
I just don't remember... W-Whoa!
Yeah, that rings a bell.
Veronica will enter the pageant
and we will be traveling incognito as her stylists.
How about a little game of footsie
before we save the world?
You.
That gargoyle is wearing my dress.
Can someone powder my noses?
Amia, where's my tutu?
I like samples.
Veronica and I will check in.
You two learn the ways of your enemy.
Let's see. 4 guards, 2 exits...
And 100 chances for love, sweet love.
Fu, take it easy!
Great. I'm gonna go check out miss Bermuda triangle.
And buddy, if I come up missin',
don't send a search party.
Sheila! Good to see ya again.
Hey, how about later you and me
take a little ride around the ring,
if you know what I mean?
Giddy up!
Ooh, doggy, we got a live one here.
Hey, there, Iris. Long time no see.
How about makin' me your pupil for the day?
Get it, pupil?
I see you, you, you, and me
getting to know each other better
over a romantic bowl of kibble.
There's enough of the fu to go around.
There you are.
Yo, fu, you can't go around treatin' women like this.
Hey, they're the ones who put themselves on display, kid.
I'm just enjoyin' the view.
Hey, Kara, wanna shake those things my way?!
Your wings! I was talkin' about your wings, not the...
What do you expect from a ditzy dame?
Ladies and gentlemen,
monsters and magicians,
welcoming you to Eli pandarus'
miss magical world beauty pageant,
where we'll find out once and for all
who is the fairest of them all.
Honey, you got a little hay stuck to your hoof there.
How embarrassing.
Now let's say hello to our judges.
The tooth fairy... Ha ha ha ha ha.
Jack frost...
And our third celebrity judge,
you know him, you love him.
Ho ho ho. Yeah. Sorry I'm late, ok?
The north wind was blowin' up a storm, you know?
Don't even get me started about parkin' around this place, ok?
And our host with the most,
the richest magical man on earth,
Eli pandarus.
If you're eliminated from the contest,
so stay pretty, and you'll stay in the game.
All right, now. Let's meet our contestants.
Miss Atlantis.
She likes whirlpools, raw eel
and leaps for handsome human princes.
Right. More hair.
Miss Hades.
She loves the color red,
the smell of brimstone and deviled ham.
She can have my soul any day.
Fu, some help here?
Who would want to ring her bell?
How do I look?
Trust me, honey, with your gams and those heels,
the other girls don't stand a chance.
Steady. Steady. Poise.
Confiden... ce!
What is it?
Well, that narrows it down.
Veronica. You ok, doll? Can you get up?
Yo, g., what are we gonna do?
Did you know in Chinese opera
women were played by men?
That's very enlightening, pops.
But what's it got to do with
the price of tea in China? Aah!
And now, miss magical New York City!
Hello, boys.
I'm a 600-year-old shar-pei.
I got wrinkles on my wrinkles.
I'll never pull this off.
Come on, fu. Just go with it.
You're not the one squeezed into a size 6.
And what does a dog have to do around here
I need all contestants in the dressing room, please.
You think this is easy prancin' around like some...
Did you say d-d-dressing room?
You know, on second thought,
I think I'm just the dog for this game.
Hello, girls. Fuella has arrived.
Don't worry, beautiful.
I'll get you the best medical attention
that money can buy.
As long as it's off the island.
Something about you seems familiar.
Do I know you?
When you taped good magical morning New York.
You know, you could really use
a good zizzing. Whoa!
Don't forget to condition!
Trim those sideburns!
Skip a day of shampooing, and...
So what say we girls start a sorority
and have a pillow fight? Who's in?
Oops! Hee hee hee hee.
Susie, um, this is my stylist, sven.
Eek! Split ends!
No!
Fu, this isn't the time for pillow fights.
Bite your tongue!
Remember what monty hall said?
If you're eliminated from the competition,
you mean, I actually gotta try and win this thing?
Well, just try and stay alive in the contest
until we can figure out
what pandarus is up to.
I'm on it. You can trust fu.
From now on, my one and only focus
will be stayin' in the game.
No more distractions.
Fuella, can you zip up my dress?
What are bestest girlfriends for?
I'll be right there. Hee hee hee hee.
Sorry. Fuella's got a date with beauty boot camp.
Facelift? I thought you meant face drop.
Yeah, man. These wrinkles are my calling card.
I was thinkin' I could use a few more around the neck here
like... like this. Whoo! Can't touch that. Sss.
Just take it easy... Aaahhh!
Work it. Work it.
Turn to your left, ladies,
and turn to your right.
Whoo! Well, no pain, no gain, right?
Everything hurts.
Time for a little dragon recon, ya heard?
Yes, it is time.
Whoo hoo! Come on, fu,
let's go put the pain in pain-darus.
No can do. Aphrodite magazine
says beauty sleep is essential.
I got 600 years of bags under my eyes to sleep off.
It's gotta be pandarus' crib.
Looks to me like it's dragon time.
Unhhaahh!
Is everything ready?
The secret altar is under the stage
just like you asked.
The most powerful wizard in the land.
Game show host in the land. Ha ha.
Deal with that, trebek.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Jake! Look out!
Whoa!
Hey! What's that?
Don't worry about me, gramps.
I'm on top of it.
Not all of it!
Over here!
Sorry, dudes. Gotta fly.
What is that dragon doing here?
Want me to take him out for ya?
Monty's got a big bowl of pain
never mind. I'm one night away from absolute power.
Nothing, not even the American dragon
is going to stop me.
Whoa! Ooh!
Unh!
Fu, wake up, dude.
I'm the prettiest.
No, I'm the prettiest.
Fu! Pageant time!
Aah! My eyes!
Give a dog time to get his face on, would ya?
So we gotta find out what pandarus is hiding
hey, there's a trap door, center stage.
I got my heel caught in it yesterday.
The problem is, the whole arena's guarded.
The only time anyone can get on stage
then that's when we make our move.
Fu, something funky with your eggs?
No. But my unhealthy relationship with food is over.
You hear that, eggs? I'm breakin' up with you,
fu, you're really startin' to scare me.
Welcome back to the finals
of the miss magical world beauty pageant.
Give it up for our judges.
Jack frost, tooth fairy...
And... hello, judge number 3.
Ho ho, I tell ya,
on those burping Betty dolls, you know?
Turns out they burp out of the wrong end, ok?
Well, frankly, they expect more from the Santa name, you know?
Boy, I tell ya.
Ladies, I just wanted to wish you all
good luck today in the finals.
I'm not ready. I need time to get my glam on.
Unh! Brrr!
You. Me?
No, I... I'm just a girl.
What do I expect from a ditzy dame?
Ditsy dame?
A piece of meat with no feelings?
If you poke me, do I not giggle?
It's like he doesn't even see the real me.
Who does he think he is?
We get no respect.
Some men are such dogs.
You said it, girlfriend.
Well, I'll be. It's the dance of the Southern belles.
Is it hot in here, or is it just them?
Unh!
Keep up.
I should have made him shave his legs.
Ok, now.
Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist, and smiles.
Unh!
Come, Jake. We must hurry.
No arguments here.
Unh!
Hee hee hee.
A fork in the road.
This way!
Unh! Hurry!
Heh heh. Heh?
Aah! Aah! Whoa!
Hee hee hee hee. Whoops.
Looks like some kind of altar.
The prophecy of koolubius.
"He who weds the fairest creature of them all
"at the stroke of midnight
"on the day the planets align
shall become the mightiest wizard in the land."
So pandarus is gonna...
Yo, g., we got company.
Come on, ogres. Show us what you've got.
Unh!
Unh! Unh!
This net, it is sphyx hair.
The only substance that renders a dragon absolutely powerless.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go marry the winner of the pageant.
And become the mightiest wizard in all the land.
Not to mention the evilest.
What the heck is takin' Jake and grandpa so long?
Ahem. It's... It's just impossible
to get reliable stylists these days.
All these outfits make me look hippy,
seriously, they can't stop to think about anyone but themselves.
You know what I'm sayin', sister?
Hey, there, what... What gives, Iris?
I... I can't go on. I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm all... Eyeball!
What? No way.
You're beautiful and smart
and have a great sense of humor.
Here. Dry your eye.
Thanks, fuella.
You're a peach.
It's time for the personality contest.
Fuella, you're up.
What? I am not ready!
Hee hee hee.
Are you ready, beautiful?
Hee hee hee hee hee. Yes.
Ok, first question from that master of the deep freeze,
Jack frost.
Hi.
I'm gonna keep my questions simple.
What's your favorite season?
Um... Ooh, I like her. Do you like her?
Next, a quarter for her thoughts.
That's right. It's the tooth fairy.
Ooh, I love this part.
Let's see those pearly whites.
Hi... aah!
- Pardon me. - I am...
I just didn't... Expect that...
Color green. Ooh!
Tough break, fuella.
Now let's see what the next judge has to say.
You are definitely on my naughty list, ok,
and my ugly list. You should donate that body to science.
Science fiction, you know.
Ooh, forget it!
No matter how hard I try,
I just can't look like the women
and my personality is about more than my teeth
I look around this room, and do you know what I see?
I see the smartest, most accomplished dames
did you know Janice there has a ph.D. In molecular biology?
She's the one who designed the ancient pyramids,
and Bertha, well, Bertha's as dull as a spoon.
But she bakes a great cobbler.
And what have you done with these amazing women?
Pitted them against each other
and treated them like pieces of meat.
Well, I'm here to tell you
and me, I'm already a winner just for gettin' to know ya.
'Cause you ladies are beautiful in here,
and that's all that really matters.
Get this sniveling nobody off my stage,
and crown a winner, already!
You can take your pageant
and stick it in your ear, pandarus.
Yeah. See ya.
Yeah. This pageant is whack, anyway.
Real pageants create opportunity for women.
Chances to give mind numbing speeches
about world peace.
The only way you can pull this sham of a pageant out of the mud
is by naming a real woman as the winner.
I say we give the crown to fuella
for having the courage to tell the truth.
Fuella! Fuella!
Ok, that's it.
Judges, let's get on with it.
I need a winner.
If everyone else has withdrawn,
I don't care if she is a complete dog.
Whoo-hoo! Fuella it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you
the new miss magical world,
and officially the fairest of them all,
Hello. I love you all.
Thank you so much.
I'm gonna cry.
Ok, that's enough.
Watch the dress, buddy. It's couture.
Hey, where we goin'?
Well, now that the pageant is over,
I guess I can spill the good news.
We're off to fulfill an ancient prophecy.
Not only the most devilishly handsome wizard in the world,
but the most powerful as well.
How nice for you. There's just one problem.
Look, it's that jerk
that's right. How's that prophecy lookin' now, pandarus?
It's looking fine. All I need to do
is marry the fairest of them all.
Which, according to your tiara and plaque is you.
Ta-ta, everyone.
This worked out perfectly.
I needed 2 witnesses to our blessed union,
and voila, here you are...
Just hangin' around.
Pandarus is gonna take the winner of the contest
and make her his bride.
You're lookin' at her, kid.
What? You won?
And that's so hard to believe?
Let's get this over with.
Welcome. We have chained here together...
I... I mean, gathered here together...
Just get on with it.
"Dearly beloved." Yada, yada, yada...
"Gathered here today." Yada, yada.
Anyone have any objections?
We do!
Hey, guess they couldn't stand
to see me off the market. Hoo hoo!
Unh! Unh!
Yeah!
It's no use. There's too many of them.
Guess again.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aaahhh!
Look out!
Take him. Take him!
Just don't hurt me.
Whoo hoo! Now that's what I call girl power.
Ladies, I gotta hand it to ya.
You really saved my tail in the end there.
Yeah, well, we're still mad that you lied to us.
But we're also awful proud of you
for standin' up for us.
You know, I meant every word.
Trust me. I was a better dog as a woman
than I ever was as a dog.
Wow. Fu dog has really come around.
I must say, I'm grateful to all you ladies.
This entire weekend has been a test for me...
A test which I'm proud to say I passed.
Hey, hands off the honk.
I said I passed. I didn't say I got an "a."
I didn't get a "b," either,
or a "c," or a "d."