-(TV THEME SONG PLAYING) -WOMAN: ♪ He's slobby ♪
-MAN: ♪ She's snotty ♪ -BOTH: ♪ But he thinks she's a huggy ♪
♪ The Spud and Stacey Show ♪
MAN: ♪ She's perky ♪
WOMAN: ♪ He's quirky ♪
- BOTH: ♪ Can their love ever worky? ♪ -(SPUD AND STACEY LAUGHING)
BOTH: ♪ The Spud and Stacey Show ♪
-♪ Wherever they go ♪ -WOMAN: ♪ He says yes ♪
MAN: ♪ They say no ♪
BOTH: ♪ An odd couple, you cannot deny ♪
-(HUMMING) -JAKE: Uh, Spud, hello?
Are you dreaming you and Stacey are stars in your own sitcom again?
No.
(SIGHS) Okay. Yes.
There's gonna be one where she burns the pot roast,
and then we all learn the true meaning of new year's Eve.
Sorry, Spud. But trust us, you can totally do better than her.
Yeah, that girl is shallower than a kiddie pool with a leak in it.
Ah, Columbus shmulumbus.
Now, which one of my toes is the prettiest?
Bite your tongues. Stacey's got more layers than an onion.
(CHOMPS)
I just... (SNIFFS)
Dig her so much. (CHOMPS)
Attention, hoodlums. Tonight is Fillmore Fest
where we showcase to your parental guardians
all that is good at this school.
It is the first of my administration, and it will go smoothly!
As an example of how not to dress this evening,
-observe Jake long. -(GASPS)
Hair shall be combed, not spiky. Proper slacks will be mandatory.
None of this half-pants, half-shorts, chickeny-leg knicker doodling.
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Yo, Rot... -And no more of this "yo."
When you speak your street slang
no one understands what the käse and crackers you're talking about.
Dismissed!
Okay, that is it. I have had it with Rotwood.
Tonight at Fillmore Fest, it's payback time.
(SOBBING) We're there for you, man. We totally feel your pain.
Thanks, bud. But, dude, you don't have to take it so hard.
I'm not. It's the onion.
-Um, are you crying? -Oh! No, I was...
Yes, you totally were. You were totally tearing up like a baby,
because your friend got humiliated by Rotwood.
-No, it was... -That is so sensitive. And sweet.
And so totally...
hot.
Ah, can't we all just learn to love? (IMITATES CRYING)
(CHOMPS)
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not bragging ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are getting faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin' It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the principal of Fillmore Middle School,
Hans Rotwood.
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)
Danke. Thank you, thank you.
Before we are beginning I am proud to unveil the woodshop's newest creation,
a mahogany statue of former U.S. president
Millard Fillmore.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, yes.
And later tonight, president Fillmore's six-year-old great, great, great
great granddaughter Millie will be here to share her melodious singing.
-(STUDENTS APPLAUDING) -Yes. Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Parents, students, friends,
-the state of our school is strong. -(STUDENTS APPLAUDING)
Hear me when I say, I chew other people's gum
and spit it in the hair of your monkey-faced children.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK BUZZES)
Did he just call himself a gum spitter?
Forget that. He called our kids monkey-faced.
-(CROWD CLAMORING) -No, no. I didn't. It was a mistake.
Someone has changed the teleprompter.
He's waving. That's our cue.
-(BAND MUSIC PLAYING) -No! Not yet.
Stay back, please. I must finish my speech.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -(CLANGS)
(CROWD GASPING)
-(THUDS) -(CRYING) My mahogany Millard!
You were so hard to carve.
Please, this was all a big misunderstanding.
I was pranked! The teleprompter! The band! There was supposed to be a song.
♪ Yankee Doodle went to London riding on a pony ♪
Silence your macaroni doodle singing. I didn't mean now. Oh!
(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
(GASPS) I'm sorry. I... (GRUNTING)
(CROWD GASPS)
He just desecrated our 13th president.
MAN: Rotwood, you're a monster!
-WOMAN: You're a horrible man. -(CROWD CLAMORING)
(GASPS AND CRIES)
Man, can you believe last night?
We changed one line in Rotwood's speech. One line!
And the walls came tumbling down.
Ah, totally, man. I... (GASPS) Stacey! (CHOMPING)
Have you guys, like, heard? Principal Rotwood was, like, fired.
-Say what? -Say, huh?
You know, I'm no fan of old Rotty, but a man... (SNIFFLES)
...fired from his life's passion. I mean... (SOBS) it's just so sad.
Aw, there, there. You want to go get some ice cream or something?
-(SNIFFLING) Will there be hot fudge? -A squirt for every tear.
I never thought I'd say this, but I actually feel kind of bad that...
-Jake, way to go. -Way to go, Jake.
GIRL: Whoo, yeah, baby!
...we didn't get rid of him sooner.
Yo! Think about it, Trix.
No more Rotwood and I'm the most popular kid in school.
We can get away with anything.
-(ALL CHEERING) -You're awesome!
At least with Rotwood you knew what you was in for.
Who knows how bad this new dude's going to be?
Hello, children. I am your new principal, and my name is Sigmund Brock.
And this school year is going to rock!
(STRUMMING GUITAR)
Ha-ha! What makes a school burning for learning?
Less rules and more fun. So who wants cheeseburgers?
-(ALL CHEERING) -Burgers incoming.
I have two words, Trix. "Oh, yeah."
-(CHOMPS) -Look at that. (SNIFFS)
It's just so moving to see meat being distributed aerially.
You are so deep. Do you smell onions?
Maybe this was the right thing to dispose the Rot.
You feel me? 'Cause the school is bumping with positivity, okay?
TEACHER: Hey, somebody get Principal Brock.
There's some kind of critter in the boiler room,
and it ain't natural. It ain't natural!
Okay, nobody panic. I'm sure it's just my pet emu.
(WHISPERS) Let's check it out?
(GRUNTS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLICKING)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTS)
SPUD: Okay, this is the part of the movie where someone in the audience yells,
"Don't go down there!"
-(RUSTLING) -(GASPS)
What the creature double feature was that?
-I'm not sure. -(YELPS)
-It looked like some kind of... -(SCREECHING)
-(BOTH SCREAM) -(GRUNTS)
(CREATURE SCREECHING)
(GASPS)
Slimy tongue punches. Nasty!
Time to drag... Uh...
-(CREATURE SCREECHING) -To start dragging you, um...
-Off me, you silly emu! (GASPS) -(CREATURE SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
Okay, any bug that big has got to be magical.
-But what's it doing in school? -Well, if he's here for the learning,
he brought along a study group.
Jake, look out!
(CREATURES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
I call that move the windshield.
It goes 90 miles an hour and flattens bugs.
(ALL GASP)
(TUTS) Infestation in the basement?
If only Rotwood had spent more time keeping this place tidy
and less time desecrating wooden statues.
Jake, I admire your dedication to cleaning up this school.
Uh, come with me.
(CHUCKLES) Your pals seemed to leave very quickly when they saw me, huh?
-I guess they thought you were... -Let's cut through the cream cheese.
-Excuse me? -I'm not here to launch burgers
and wipe snotty little noses. I came to do
what that Bavarian bozo Rotwood couldn't.
-Give a speech? -Catch the dragon.
Dragons? Uh, I don't know what you're talking...
Stop playing me!
(CLEARS THROAT) I, too, am a researcher of the magical world.
Rotwood may be a fool, but I believe he was onto something
with his talk of a dragon at this school.
But I don't know anything about dragons.
But you do, Jake, you do.
See, I've read Rotwood's files on you and your friends.
The unexplained absences, the curious behavior,
like your reaction to those creatures I planted in the basement.
Everyone's frozen in fear, but you three race into action.
Almost as if you all had experience fighting magical creatures.
If I know my mythology, that's a dragon's job.
So then, which one of you is on the clock, hmm?
You planted those things? But...
Oh, I've had some small luck in the field,
but the people who fund my kind of research need to see something special.
Like a captured dragon,
-and soon I will deliver. -(MOTOR WHIRRING)
This is Brockium. A chemical of my own invention
that will make any disguised dragon revert to its true form.
I have but one vile now,
but once I use it to expose this school's dragon,
I'll have the funding to mass produce all the Brockium I could ever want.
-Dragon's everywhere will be unmasked... -(BEEPING)
...and the name Sigmund Brock will go down in history.
But, of course, we regular humans have nothing to fear. Now, do we?
-Nope. Ha-ha. Guess you'll just be... -(BELL RINGS)
...wasting your only vial then, huh?
Principal Brock, it's recess. Can we hang out with you?
Of course. Now who wants to learn extreme four square?
-I do! I do! Yippee! I want to play. -Yes!
Any time you want to talk, Jake.
(CHUCKLES) Right on. Peace.
Aw, man!
JAKE: Yo, Gramps. We've got problems.
With that chemical, Brock is beyond dangerous.
He must be stopped.
You got one principal fired, kid. Time to get working on the sequel.
Why don't I just sneak in, steal the Brockium, and get rid of it?
GRAMPS: Hmm, too risky.
If you were caught, it would only prove to him you are a dragon.
Fu Dog is right, you must get rid of your principal.
JAKE: Get rid of your principal?
-How am I supposed to... -(CLATTERS)
-Do you mind? -Rotwood?
You, uh...need some help?
Nein. No, no. No, no. I love the scavenging life. Ha-ha!
For example, you see a half-eaten can of soup.
I see a hilarious novelty hat. Put her there. (CHUCKLES)
(CAN CLATTERS)
No, who am I kidding? This is a cruel world
in which bloopers lead to smashed dreams.
I hope you're happy with your new principal.
(SCOFFS) Principal Brock is a freak.
Yes, well, you know, I'm sure he's a very... (GRUNTS)
Brock! Surely you do not mean Sigmund Brock.
Uh, yeah. You know him?
Know him? Ach, mein strudel!
He was my professor at Vonstachen University.
It was he who opened my eyes to the unseen magical world.
He changed my life forever.
But Brock was too harsh a task master.
He exploded with rage at the slightest mistake.
Yeah. I kinda know what that's like.
But I'd still take you over Brock any day.
And I would return in a heartbeat if I could.
Hey, everybody. I have a surprise.
(GRUNTS)
(SPITS)
Don't take Mom's reaction to you personally.
She beats all our houseguests over the head with a broom.
It's, uh, just her way.
Ah, I see I'm not the only one with an interest in magical creatures.
Huh? Oh, yeah. Um...
Family trip to Dragon Adventures Amusement Park.
Good times.
I have never heard of this amusement park.
TRIXIE: Yo, Jakey J. What's good, baby?
I'm taking Spud onion shopping, you wanna... What the...
(SCREAMS) Another basement critter!
Look, it's kind of a long story.
But me and Rotwood are working together to get Brock fired.
I started working up a plan.
But I'm gonna need your help. Here's what I'm thinking.
Me, Trixie and Spud will, uh, arrive on the school rooftop
tomorrow at 5:03 a.m.
While Trix and I access the school through the skylight,
Spud will suction cup across the east side of the building,
and cut the security camera wires.
Once that's done, I'll let in one of the lunch ladies, the hot one,
who will then flirt with the security guard
and get him to unlock the cafeteria door.
TRIXIE: And how are we gonna let lady all involved?
JAKE: That's the thing. It won't be the lunch lady. It will be Rotwood.
While he stands guard, I'll climb into the air vent,
follow it to Brock's office,
and use, my, uh, special skills to borrow the school's fundraiser cash.
When the safe is discovered empty,
they'll blame the only dude with the combination.
And later, we can anonymously return the money. What do you think?
Whoo-hoo! It's wunderbar! Let's roll!
Oh! Didn't your mothers teach you how to treat a lady?
Rotwood, my old pupil.
Somehow I always pictured you ending up pretty much exactly like this.
Help! It's sucking my brain. Get it off! Get it off!
Oh, by the way, Jake, you left your plans on the roof.
-You were trying to set me up! -What? No! I...
Why don't you just come clean about the dragon's identity?
Save me some time and a world of misery.
-People know I'm here. -Relax, Jake.
I'm just making the morning announcements.
Hola, students. This is your pal Principal Brock.
Uh, I am sad to inform you there has been an attempt
-to have me fired from this school. -Who could do that!
(ALL CLAMORING)
But I suppose Jake Long in homeroom 217, locker number A331
is entitled to his own opinion of me. That is all.
I'm going to expose the truth, Jake.
You can help me, or you can continue to suffer.
Say hi to your classmates for me.
-That's the Brock hater. -I hear he beat up the school mascot.
Where are you going, you Brock basher?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) How's it going, guys?
Anybody else have the pizza yesterday? Lots of oregano in the sauce, am I right?
Ugh, Great! Now he's trying to get the hot lunch lady fired, too.
I live for that sauce. (GULPS)
-No, no, no, I just... -Extreme four square! (GRUNTS)
-(GROANS) -BOY: Brock rocks!
Oh, Jake, I've been working up new ideas on how to get rid of Brock.
My favorite so far, make him allergic to children.
It's pretty weird, huh? Us throwing in considering all we've been through.
Oh, yeah. Like the time I gave you a week's detention for saying, "Oh!"
and another week for saying "Man."
Or the time I put Mondo Bondo glue around your monocle frame.
Or, or the time I gave you detention while you were in detention.
(CHUCKLES) Or the time I messed with your teleprom... Date.
Uh, you know, your date from Tel Aviv.
(GASPS) You! You started to say "teleprompter".
You are the riff-raffian who got me fired.
Hey, I just changed one line.
Know this day that you have made a powerful new enemy.
Yes, I technically am an old enemy who wasn't for awhile,
but now again is on the side... You know what I'm saying!
No, wait! Come back!
Ah, don't sweat it, kid. What's the worst that can happen?
BROCK: Yes. The photo is quite real.
I've sent it to every news organization in the city.
I will prove the photo's authenticity at a press conference tomorrow.
Yes. The dragon is masquerading as a human,
but my new assistant assures me he knows exactly who he is.
(SNIFFING)
What's (SNIFFING) going on, baby?
Get this, Brock says he's gonna reveal that somebody at school is...
Incredibly sensitive?
A gross, fire-breathing dragon.
Oh, man!
We gotta get you out of here, bro.
I can't just leave him with the Brockium. No dragon will be safe.
So, then what do we do?
We finish what we started.
-Yo, what are you eating? -(SOBBING) Onions.
I really dig 'em now. Check this out. (BURPS)
JAKE: Oh! TRIXIE: Yuck!
I'm over that onion breath already.
Uh, Jake, was Brock's office like that last night?
He may have redecorated a little.
-Dragon up! -(CREATURES SCREECHING)
It's lights out time.
Guys, I got 'em.
That blue stuff's gotta be around here somewhere.
-(CREATURE SCREECHING) -(SPUD HUMMING)
-Spud, look out! -Go onion... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(CREATURE SCREECHING) -(THUDS)
(CRYING)
Onions, they ask for so little, and yet, they give so much.
-(BEEPING) -Yo, is this it?
-That's it. Let's check... -(ALARM BUZZING)
-Hey! -What the...
Well, isn't this tidy. I've been looking all over for you.
-Yo, Brock, you can't... -Yes, I can. And I will.
See, thanks to my former protégé I now know which of you is the dragon.
-Rotwood? -Come, Hans, let's go expose the dragon.
Oh, and just so his friends don't try any funny business,
you're all coming along. Won't that be fun?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(GASPS) He's got those children in a cage!
That cage is an outrage.
Is this an outrage,
or will what you're about to see revolutionize science as we now know it?
Watch and believe!
Rotwood, are you sure he's the one?
(SIGHS) This is it, guys. This is how it ends.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the mighty dragon.
-(CROWD GASPING) -Change into your true form.
(GROANING) Dude!
That stuff tastes like socks and old cabbage. Yuck!
-It needs onion. -Change into your true form!
LADY: He's yelling at that poor boy.
-This boy is a dragon! -That boy is a boy.
Now let go of him this instant.
You set me up. You told me he was the dragon.
But it, it must be him. He has the dragon breath.
Look at him. Steam's coming out of his mouth right now.
Sharesies?
A dragon at this school? (LAUGHS)
I don't care about your fantastical delusions, Principal.
What I care about are the children.
The beautiful, beautiful children of the world.
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: You should be running this school, not him.
You don't understand! One of those snot wipes is a dragon!
A dragon!
Hey, Stacey.
Faker!
What's up with her?
She saw me eating the onion at Brock's press conference
and she was able to put two and two together.
But no matter, once I finish whittling my onion Stacey,
I'll always have a beautiful shoulder to... (SNIFFS)
...cry on. (CRYING)
Ow! (SOBS)
Her beautiful, stinging juices.
You ever think we didn't give Rotwood enough credit?
I mean, it was pretty slick how he pranked Brock and got his old job back.
(SCOFFS) Please, you think that was planned?
Rotwood's so clueless, he probably did think the am drag...
-ROTWOOD: Jake Long! -(GASPS)
I would like to shake your hand to thank you.
Uh, sure.
(CRACKLING)
Huh? What the...
Surprise, surprise.
(GASPS)
One drop left.
It seemed a shame to let it all go to waste.
Oh, don't bother, Mr. Long.
I always suspected it was you, but I'll be a schweinhund's uncle
before I let Sigmund Brock take credit for my discovery.
I will find a way to expose you myself one day.
But until then, I have a school to run.
Ta!
Oh, man!
FU: Yowzah! Now Rotwood knows the truth about Jake!
Hey, I wonder what other magical secrets that guy knows?
ROTWOOD: The Bermuda triangle, actually a trapezoid.
Pixie dust made from real pixies.
(PIXIES SCREAMING)
Bigfoot, quite lovely in ankle-high stiletto boots.
(BIGFOOT AND ROTWOOD GROWLING)
Hello, Madame Sasquatch. (LAUGHS)
Why, of course, a foot rub will be no problem for...
(SCREAMS) You people are still here? You saw nothing.
(DOOR SLAMS)