(GROANING)
TRIXIE: Plug the leak, balloon boy. I ain't moving.
Oh, no, I'm great.
I love wasting my whole lunch period
watching you have a yak attack all over your blog.
You could always watch Internet videos with Spud instead.
(LAUGHING)
How does the monkey keep finding new places to hide the cheese?
Pass. Just blog it all out and we'll hit the courtyard.
You can't rush passion, Jakey.
Blogging is the voice of our generation.
This is how we face the world and say,
"Yo, this is where we stand, and we shall not be moved."
"What Kyle Wilkins Wore Today?"
Unless Kyle's wearing vintage jeans and a muscle tee.
Now that will move me.
Mm-mm, call the moving van.
Hey, what's going on out there?
Monkey hiding cheese. Oh, please be a monkey hiding cheese.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
BRAD: Oh, oh, wait, wait.
Bradster's got one even better.
"In the fourth grade,
"Frederick Buttersleeves had to go to the nurse's office
"with a cricket up his nose."
(ALL LAUGHING)
It was my science fair project.
We got a thumb sucker.
ALL: Ooh
Brad, what are you doing?
The Bradster totally ganked some permanent records from Rotwood's office.
You got somebody you wanna buy some dirt on?
These babies'll have their most embarrassing moments
from preschool to this morning.
This isn't funny, guys. People got private stuff in there.
-Aw, come on. -It is too funny.
BOY: This is too good.
You got private stuff in your record, Jerk Long?
-Let's find out. -Hey, give me that.
-Uh. That's not your business, Brad. -Leave him alone!
Ho-ho. Check it. Personal notes from Rotwood.
"A very important player in the magical world,
"thanks to his secret double life as a fire-breathing dragon?
(ALL GASP)
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail, burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin' It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
Uh, uh, about that fire-breathing dragon stuff...
I can explain everything. See...
Ha-ha. Jerk Long thinks he's some kind of dragon
in his own make-pretend fantasy world.
All aboard the Pixieland Express, coo-coo.
(ALL LAUGHING)
At least it's a cover story.
But you can't... I'm not...
It's probably just Rotwood making up stories.
Who cares?
It's hilaratious.
And it's not about me.
This doesn't make sense.
How did you get this from his office?
Oh. Did I leave those folders sitting out
with the door open and Jake Long's file on the top of the stack again?
Ach. What a major oopsie I have committed.
One day's detention for you naughty boys.
One day? That's all they get?
Oh, and by the way, students,
next week we will be voting on Class Mosts and Bests.
You know, "Most Likely To Succeed", "Best Hair", "Biggest Weirdo Freak."
"Biggest Weirdo Freak?" Since when is that a category?
It, uh, must have just been added.
How totally coincidental.
Any nominations?
Jake Long for Biggest Weirdo Freak.
Yeah! Jake Long!
-Seconded. -Oh, yeah.
Ha-ha. Democracy in action. Ta.
(GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION)
Yo, you wanted those punks to read my file.
-What's up with that? -The door, please?
Permit me to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Long.
As a young student of magical creatures, I made a promise to myself...
I swore I would expose my first magical creature
to the world by my 47th birthday.
JAKE: Why 47th? ROTWOOD: The typo.
That birthday arrives in one week,
yet, nothing to show for my life's work.
Oh, I have had many leads over the years.
You don't know how close I am to finding some place called the Magus Bazaar...
Uh... Bazaar-o what now?
And, of course, I did learn that a certain young man
lives the secret life of a dragon.
But as we have seen...
-(GROWLS) -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(SIGHS) You are not so easily exposed.
So, now we play dirty like the schweinie-piggies, ja?
You think getting me nominated for freak of the year
is gonna prove I'm a dragon?
No, but it will throw you off your game.
Get you to make a mistake. Dragon up at the wrong moment.
And when you do,
who will be there to record the evidence of your true magical nature?
Hans Rotwood.
Enjoy the teen gossip machine.
(WHISPERING INSULTS)
Uh, hey, ladies.
Gossip sure travels fast, huh? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Oh! -(ALL LAUGHING)
Here's the dude who thinks he's a dragon.
-Does he breath fire? -Oh, he's gonna fly.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
-Join us, brother. -(GASPS)
-Fantasy section's over there, Dragon Boy.
Oh... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Rotwood punk, make me look like a freak, stupid gossip.
Spud? Where have you been, man?
Uh, just a sec, Jake.
They got rappin' babies on the Internet now.
Rappin' babies. (LAUGHING)
♪ Mama, Mama ♪
(BABBLING)
Log on, blog on, unload.
Hmm...
Hoo-wee. That is a serious blog-slappin'
you're laying down on Rotwood, boy.
But isn't this gonna make the popularity beat you down worse?
I mean, you called yourself The Am Drag.
Nobody at school even knows what the Am Drag is.
Besides, there's like, half a million blogs out there.
Who cares about mine?
-GIRL: Hey, Sara, check this out. -Coming.
Looks like the American Dragon finally discovered cyberspace.
And he really hates this guy called Rotwood.
I wonder what he's saying on his blog.
-I got to take a look. -What site's she got there?
(ALL TYPING)
JAKE: Just when you thought Rotwood couldn't get any worse...
ROTWOOD: And for those students with special dragon dietary needs,
the cafeteria staff has prepared an alternate lunch
of brave knights and pretty damsels.
(ALL LAUGHING)
JAKE: I mean, why's he always gotta be hating on magical creatures?
Yeah. What's Rotwood's problem?
JAKE: If you look up evil, lying,
good-for-nothing loser punk in the dictionary,
I can tell you right now whose picture you'd see.
For serious, I would give anything to get that jerk out of my life.
He'd give anything?
Isn't the American Dragon supposed to be, like, a millionaire or something?
-Really? -Well, he's famous, right?
Aren't like, all famous people rich?
Aye, he used to work for leprechauns, you know.
(OVERLAPPING EXCITED CHATTER)
What's going on?
Some kind of million-dollar reward for a human called Rotwood.
Wow, easy money.
Hey, Chuck, you're not gonna believe what I just heard.
Only a couple of days left till voting. How bad is my school cred?
Let me put it this way.
If anybody saw me walking to school with you,
I'd be known as the Bride of Freakenstein.
Aw, man.
This is gonna go in the yearbook and everything.
We gotta turn this thing around somehow.
There's gotta be somebody at school who's a bigger freak than...
Zombie Band Geek! (GROWLS)
Yo, Spud, what are you doing?
If a monkey hiding cheese and a couple of rapping babies
can be Internet video stars, anyone can.
So I figured, hey, I'll just dress up as a zombie band geek,
jump out of dark alleys to scare people, catch it all on DVD, and...
What?
So, yeah, there's probably still a few kids at school freakier than you.
You may be all right if you can just keep away from any weirdo stuff
-for the rest of the week... -(SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
-Jakey. -(JAKE GRUNTS)
-Let me go or taste my talons, you fool! -(GROANS)
Hit and run artist, huh? Well, taste this.
Dragon up!
(GRUNTS)
Who sent you?
I saw him first. He's mine.
(SCREAMS)
Forget it! No reward is worth this.
Hey. I asked you a question.
-What the heck was that all about? -Uh, Jakey...
JAKE: Rotwood?
(ROTWOOD HUMMING)
Yummy, yummy cruller makes my tummy feel much fuller.
(LAUGHS) I made a joke.
That thing wasn't after me at all.
I was just in the way of its real target.
(HUMMING)
(DRUM ROLL)
What? It's for dramatic effect.
Crescendo, crescendo, silencio.
(GRUNTS) Dude. Chills.
FU DOG: A million bucks? (WHISTLES)
So, hypothetically, who would I talk to about collectin' if I was to, you know...
-Fu Dog! -What?
-I'd buy you somethin' nice. -That's the thing, Fu.
It doesn't say who's behind this.
Who would bear ill-will toward a middle school principal?
Uh, a middle school?
Rotwood told me he was real close to finding out where Magus Bazaar was.
Some bigshot in the magic world must've found out
and put a price on his capture or worse.
Principal Rotwood has no idea of the danger he is in,
and if we are to keep him from exposing any magical creatures,
he must remain so.
You don't even want us to warn him?
No. I want you to protect him without letting him know you are doing it.
-Say what? -How are we supposed to do that?
Fu Dog and I will scour the magical underworld
to find out who is responsible for this.
In the meantime, you must follow Rotwood everywhere.
Remember, anyone and anything could be a threat.
-Constant vigilance. -(MUSIC PLAYING)
Even the slightest distraction could mean...
Arthur Spudinski! What is on my computer?
Rappin' babies slash monkey hiding cheese crossover video.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Kinda obvious, but, eh, it works.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(ROTWOOD HUMMING)
-JAKE: What's he doing, Spud? -I can't tell.
But whatever it is, it's really colorful, and there hundreds of 'em.
Say what?
Spud, this is a kaleidoscope.
Yeah, all my spy gear comes from cereal boxes.
I'm having doubts about the marshmallow microphone, too.
Well, it looks like it's all clear, for now anyway.
(MUNCHING)
Uh, guys...
Hold it right there, Blobzilla.
-(ROARS) -Whoa.
(GRUNTING)
-Ah, stop moving, Jakey! -Let us get a handle on it.
Time for a little puddle stomping.
Dragon up...
Uh... Um...
I'm... Whoo, I'm draggin' under the weight of this backpack.
Whoo. Homework today, yeesh.
You know what I'm sayin', people?
Getting schloppy already, Mr. Long?
Oh, how the gossip must be affecting your tender junior-high self-esteem.
Here, have a flyer. They're going fast, you know.
JAKE: "Jake 4 freak"?
(GRUNTS)
Uh, Jake?
Maybe you'd like to blog off some of that steam instead?
I've got wi-fi.
Good idea.
BIG ERNIE: Oh, now that is just infuriatin'.
Can you believe the nerve of that guy? Wait 'til he gets his.
Ey-yo, Big Ernie. I'm tryin' to get some information here.
Yeah, yeah, hold your centaurs, huh?
Aw, come on. He did not.
(GASPS) Are you kiddin' me?
I-yah. Come along, Fu Dog.
Yeah, I heard about this. No idea who's payin' though.
Ask Ben the Fish. He's the one who told me.
All I know is,
Skinny Vinnie tells me somebody's payin'
to take care of this Rotwood creep, but good.
MAN: Tell you true, I don't quite recollect who told me first.
Y'all tried talkin' to Big Ernie yet?
-(GROANS) -Hoo-boy.
I just hope the kid's havin' more luck than we are.
(STRUGGLING)
Ew, I got bounty hunter in my mouth.
-(CHOMPING) -(GRUNTING) Get off of me.
Let me at the Rotwood beast. I'll gum him without mercy.
-(GRUNTS) -(YELPS)
Goodbye, early retirement.
(HOWLING)
We heard yelling. You all right?
-Yeah, I'm... -What in himmel is going on out here?
Nothing. I mean, I got it under control.
I mean, not that there's anything to get control under.
Oh, Jake, you look so terrible. I think I might be feeling guilty.
(BURPS) Oh, uh, nein.
It was a schnitzel burp. Oh, well.
I'll just... (SCREAMS)
Help! The winged serpent of Tenochtitlán!
Dragon up! (GRUNTS)
(GASPS) I can't believe it. Oh! It finally worked.
I have video graphic proof of a dragon's existence.
Ha! Happy early birthday to me.
This is the most incredible feeling of my...
Lens cap's on, buddy.
Huh? Hmm?
No!
All right, few leads we've got all point back here to...
Hey, isn't that Little Miss Sunshine and Dame Downer?
So with all the Rotwood craziness the past couple of days,
it looks like you've sunk a little more on the popularity scale.
-How far? -Uh...
I would say, uh, right around the kid who shoved the bug up his nose.
(INSECT CHIRPS)
It's just one more day till voting, Jakey.
Maybe, if you could just, you know, chill with the freakiness till then...
Are you kidding me?
I'm getting attacked by mud, gummed by old wereladies.
How am I not supposed to freak out when everybody I see
could be a magical bounty hunter trying to... Wait.
Does that egg salad sandwich look funny to you?
Egg salad sandwiches always look funny to me.
I call them the stand-up comedians of the deli world.
(YELLS)
(STRAINING)
-(YELPS) -(ALL GASP)
Reveal your true form, shape-shifter.
I know your evil eggy plans. (GRUNTING)
Oh, Jakey...
You. Can't. Handle. What. I. Got?
Uh... I, um, thought it went bad.
My bad.
Freak.
Thank you.
(GROANS)
They actually thought there was a bounty for this bozo?
Could people be any more ignorant?
Then you know how this happened? What vision have you seen?
I told you the Internet would take the magic out of magic.
Everything that's happened is all his fault.
He's always been out to get me, but now...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yo, Fu. Tell me you found out who's doing this so I can be done with it.
Oh, we found out, heh. But you're not gonna be happy.
I'm already not happy. Who is it?
-I'm talkin' to him. -What?
That's impossible. I never...
I don't even have a million dollars.
Well, Jake, that blog you've been writin',
all that stuff about Rotwood, they took it all outta context.
Not that it wasn't pretty inflammatory in context.
-I mean, woof. -Oh, man...
I... I gotta...
Uh... Everything's cool with me and Rotwood now.
No need for any ugly stuff...
-"It was all a misunderstanding"? -Huh. No way.
The Rotwood beast must be forcing him to say these lies.
We have to free the laddie!
-Yeah. -Let's get 'im.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Uh, kid? Maybe the journalism business ain't for you. (GROANS)
And so, fellow Fillmore Middle Schoolians, when you vote tomorrow,
remember not just the Best Looking and Most Athletic...
Go, Bradster,
but also those who give us our daily helpings
of fantasy-loving geek freakiness.
Jake Long, everybody.
Auf Wienerstehen.
CROWD: (CHANTING) Freak! Freak! Freak!
I gotta talk to you. In private.
Surrendering already.
Well, I have a camera here if you care to assume your dragon form.
No, listen. I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but there's no choice.
You're in huge danger.
I can help you hide until...
I don't know what kind of lederhosen you are trying to pull over my eyes, Mr. Long,
but it will not work.
(LOUD THUDDING)
(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
Ooh, looky, a circus parade.
-I don't think that's a... -Oh, I love the circus.
As a boy, I dreamed of becoming a famous juggler, but...
It's him, boys.
Get him and the million is ours.
-(YELLING) -(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMS)
-This is a circus of pain. -Just stay close to me.
Dragon up!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
-(BOTH EXCLAIMING) -(JAKE GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(GROWLS)
I break you.
-(YELPS) -(GRUNTING)
Hang on, Rotwood. I'm coming.
-(LAUGHING) -Huh? What?
(LAUGHING)
Ow! It burn.
(CRYING)
(JAKE GRUNTS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Nice juggling.
Well, it's like stuffing a bratwurst. Once you learn, you never forget.
-(DISTANT CLAMORING) -(BOTH GASP)
I think I see him.
-Save me a piece. -Rotwood's mine.
Oh took the liberty... Are those magical?
Yeah. But trust me, you do not want to meet them right now.
Come on, I gotta show you something.
ROTWOOD: Whoo! Ah, I'm flying. Whee!
I... I don't understand.
You are responsible for those creatures attacking me?
And you think my hairdo looks like a can of ugly exploded?
I'm sorry.
I just thought my blog was a place to vent.
You can say whatever you want on the Internet.
Gossip is gossip, Jake,
and it is poisonous no matter what form it takes.
(SIGHS)
Ah!
Who am I to talk, huh?
I deserve all of this.
I have been very unfair with you, Jake.
Of all people, I should know what it is like to be ridiculed
for trying to bring together the human and magical worlds.
(SIGHS) Happy birthday to me. Whee.
I suppose I could start a second career teaching combat juggling.
Actually, I think I may have a way to make us both happy,
if you're willing to trust me.
-Where am I? -CREATURE: It's really him.
-He's so hideous. -Who gets the reward?
Listen up, people.
I know a lot of y'all have been after that million-dollar reward,
but you're too late.
The Rotwood beast has been claimed by the Am Drag.
That's it, game over, the reward is mine.
(ALL GRUMBLING)
Wait. Wasn't he the one who put up the reward in the first place?
Eh, who can remember how these things get started?
That's the best I can do for now.
They'll leave you alone,
but you might want to keep away from the magical world.
Unicorns. Oh, and look, a pixie! Trolls!
Leprechauns! Oh!
This is the best birthday present anyone has ever given me.
I can't stand it.
-You are all so fascinating. -Get away from me.
-I am a lifelong fan. -Back off, back off, you.
-Breathtaking. -Stop touching me.
ROTWOOD: So, that is why I have decided
to strike the category of Biggest Weirdo Freak
from this year's Mosts and Bests ballot.
And in a completely unrelated matter,
apparently, a few of my fantasy fiction stories
got all jumble-schnockered with my permanent record files.
If I have accidentally created any rumors about Jake Long,
I hereby put an end to them.
That is all.
-Thanks. -It was our deal.
Besides, I should be thanking you.
I have seen the Magus Bazaar with my own eyes.
Oh. It is enough to feel
I have finally made something of my life's work.
Good to hear it.
-Well, later. -Ja.
Of course, a little video evidence for 4the scientific community wouldn't hurt.
Come on, upload to my web page.
-Show me that dragon action. -(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Zombie Band Geek... (ROARS)
Was in himmel?
Hey, how about that? Look at me.
Hey, I made it onto the Internet after all.
-(GASPS) -Looking for this?
I made a little switch while you were blindfolded.
My proof.
Ach.
What a major oopsie I have committed.
Better luck next birthday.
(GROWLING IN ANGER)
Jake Long!
GRANDFATHER: So, now, I am bloxing.
-JAKE: Blogging. -So, now I am blogging?
JAKE: Actually, Gramps, you're not really blogging until you type something.
-GRANDFATHER: But what do I type? -Just whatever.
Type what you feel, how do you feel right now?
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
GRANDFATHER: Hungry.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
(IN ENGLISH) I fail to see the fun in this blogging.
JAKE: (SIGHS) Never mind, G.
GRANDFATHER: Huh. More like "bloring".