[THUNDER]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[ELECTRIC SAW BUZZING]
- IT'S ALIVE!
[THUNDER]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
- [GROWLING] - [GASPING]
- AH-AH--
[GUNSHOT]
- THE MAKERS OF "GRAND LARCENY SAN DIEGO" ARE BACK
WITH THE ULTIMATE STREET EXPERIENCE.
OVER 40 HOURS OF ORIGINAL GAME PLAY
FROM THE AUTHORITY IN BALLS-TO-THE-WALL ACTION!
SHOOT YOUR PARENTS!
URINATE ON THE HOMELESS!
KICK A PUPPY!
PLAY HEAD-TO-HEAD OR ONLINE!
MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOUR HOT COUSIN
OR YOUR HOT COUSIN'S MENTALLY DISABLED FRIEND!
TAKE OUT YOUR AGGRESSION THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,
WITH A MOTOR VEHICLE!
EXTRA POINTS FOR FAMILY MEMBERS!
UNLOCK EXPERT MODES AND CHARACTERS LIKE BAM MARGERA.
RATED "E" FOR EVERYONE.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
[TURNS OFF MUSIC] - THAT WAS BERRY RUDE.
BERRY, BERRY, BERRY RUDE TO TOUCH MY RADIO.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?
- BITCH, DON'T NOBODY UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- YOU WATCH ONE OF THE TAPES,
AND IF YOU LIKE THE GIRL, WE'LL ARRANGE A MEETING.
- SO I CAN PICK ANY TAPE.
- ANY TAPE. GOOD LUCK, HOMEY.
- [GASPS]
AAH!
OHH!
AAH!
- I LIKE TREES AND DOLLS AND PONIES,
IF THEY DON'T KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT,
LONG WALKS BY THE CLIFFS, AND NICE CATHOLIC MEN.
HOPE TO MEET YOU SOON.
- I THINK I JUST [BLEEP] OUT MY HEART.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
I WONDER IF SHE PUTS OUT.
- YOU KNOW, UM, WHEN A BUTTERFLY,
LIKE, WHEN HE FLAPS HIS WINGS,
THAT HAS A HUGE EFFECT ALL THE WAY AROUND THE WORLD.
LIKE, IN, UM, JAPAN AND STUFF.
- REALLY? UHH!
[RUMBLING]
- UHH!
- [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] AAH!
- [ROARING]
- BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, GRANDMA!
GRANDMA? - MOM?
- [GASPS] - OH, NO, MOM.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT FOR ME. WHAT'D I MISS?
- AHH. I REALLY NEEDED THIS.
- YOU ARE FINISH NOW, MR. JOE.
YOU WANT HAPPY ENDING?
- UH, WHAT? OH, NO, NO.
UM, I'M NOT INTO THAT.
- OH, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH.
VERY GOOD HAPPY ENDING.
- NO, NO, REALLY. THAT'S OK.
NO, HEY, NO-- - HAPPY ENDING.
- HEY, HEY--HEY, GET AWAY FROM ME.
- HAPPY ENDING!
- S-SOMEBODY HELP ME.
- HAPPY ENDING!
YES, HAPPY ENDING!
HAPPY ENDING!
OH, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH.
- OFFICER, Y-YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- AY! - HAPPY ENDING!
- OH, NO!
- GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
- SORRY. EXCUSE ME.
SORRY. - I'M NOT DRESSED.
- SORRY! WATCH OUT.
- HAPPY ENDING! - COMING THROUGH! - ...ENDING!
- OUT OF MY WAY! - HAPPY ENDING!
- AAH! AAH! AAH! WHOA!
UHH! AAH! UHH! UHH! AAH! AAH!
- HAPPY ENDING! HAPPY ENDING! HAPPY ENDING! HAPPY ENDING!
HAPPY ENDING!
- AAH! NO!
- WITH MASSAGE, YOU GET THE EGG ROLL. HAPPY ENDING!
[MUNCH] - MMM. IT'S GOOD.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDER]
- [SCOFFS] IT'S ONLY WOMEN'S SOCCER.
NOBODY CARES.
- WHAT THE--
- MY NAME IS NEO, AND I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU, ROBOTS.
MY NAME IS CONSTANTINE, AND I'M GOING TO DEFEAT YOU, DEMON.
I'M THE GUY FROM "SPEED," AND I'M GOING TO STOP YOU,
FAMOUS CHARACTER ACTOR DENNIS HOPPER.
- CUT. - HI. I'M KEANU REEVES.
I'VE BEATEN THE WORLD OF ACTING,
AND NOW I'M GOING TO BEAT THE WORLD OF BREAKFAST SAUSAGES.
THEY'RE TASTY. DON'T BELIEVE ME?
LISTEN TO THESE BREAKFAST FANS.
- OH, HELLO. I DID NOT NOTICE YOU THERE.
I'M A FAN OF SAUSAGE.
I LIKE KEANU'S SAUSAGE THE BEST. TO EAT.
- THEY'RE SO JUICY. I CAN'T START THE DAY WITHOUT
AN AMAZING SAUSAGE IN MY MOUTH.
THAT'S WHERE KEANU COMES IN.
[CHEWING]
- WHOA . THAT'S GOOD SAUSAGE.
[SLURPS]
- OH, VERY GOOD, BILLY.
JUST DELIGHTFUL, JUDY.
[SLURPS] EXCELLENT, EMILY.
- [GIGGLES] - HOL--
- OK, PEOPLE. STAY COOL.
UHH!
WHERE ARE THE PLANS? - WHAT? UHH!
- WHERE ARE THE PLANS? - I--I DON'T--I DON'T KN--
AAH! - PLANS!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
KIND OF BUSY HERE, CHIEF.
- [INDISTINCT VOICE ON TELEPHONE]
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT, WAIT.
DID YOU SAY "EISENHOWER MIDDLE SCHOOL"? - [INDISTINCT]
- UM, HEH, SORRY, EVERYONE JUST A DRILL.
[GLASS BREAKS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- MRS. DORSEY?
- WHAT HAPPENS WHEN 200 MONKEYS ARE SET LOOSE
ON A DESERTED ISLAND?
AND WHAT HAPPENS IF THAT ISLAND IS BOOBY-TRAPPED
WITH THOUSANDS OF LAND MINES?
"CRAZY MONKEYS ON LAND MINE ISLAND."
WHEN SUBTERRANEAN MUNITIONS
MEET THOSE SEMI-INTELLIGENT SIMIANS,
THE RESULTS ARE OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD.
- [CHATTERING]
- [GROWLING]
- AND THE FUN REALLY GETS STARTED
WHEN SNOOP DOGG MAKES THE SCENE!
- HEY, Y'ALL, SNIBBITY DIGGITY.
- "CRAZY MONKEYS ON LAND MINE ISLAND."
- MICHAEL FLATLEY IS THE LORD OF THE DANCE.
DARTH VADER IS THE LORD OF THE SITH.
- LIKE, DUDE, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
- CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE,
SUPPOSEDLY HAUNTED BY A MACHETE-WIELDING SPOOK
NAMED JASON VOORHEES.
- [WHIMPERS] - WE SHOULD MAKE LIKE HOCKEY STICKS
AND GET THE PUCK OUT OF HERE. HA HA!
- WELL, HELLO THERE.
- IT'S DON KNOTTS AND PHYLLIS DILLER.
- WE'RE THE CAMP COUNSELORS.
OF COURSE, AFTER THIS GIG,
I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA NEED COUNSELING.
- I SUGGEST WE SPLIT UP.
SHAGGY AND SCOOBY, YOU CHECK THE CAMPGROUND.
VELMA, YOU CHECK THE WOODS.
DAPHNE AND I'LL CHECK OUT THE BUNKHOUSE
AND HAVE SOME OF THAT NICE SEX UNTIL YOU GET BACK.
- SEX? YOU? WITH HER?
BUT WITH THAT DICKEY, YOU COULDN'T EVEN BAG
AN OLD BAG LIKE ME!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
- IT'S AN ASCOT, YOU OLD WHORE. AN ASCOT!
[CRASH] - WELL, YOUR ASS GOT LAID OUT
BY THIS OLD WHORE, DICKEY.
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE.
- THIS PLACE GIVES ME, LIKE, THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES.
- RUH-HUH.
OOH, ROOBY RACKS. - LIKE, OH, BOY! HA HA!
MAN, I AM ONE SAD DOG-FOOD-EATING HIPPIE.
[MUNCH]
LIKE, SORRY, MAN. MY MISTAKE.
YIKES! OH-OH! THE KILLER!
RUN, SCOOB!
ZOINKS! - [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- BETTER SHAGGY THAN ME.
- [WHIMPERS] - GOSH, FREDDY,
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY?
- IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT MY ASCOT,
I'LL--DAMN, IT'S FASHIONABLE.
- AAH! OH!
FAR OUT. THAT MUST BE JASON'S DEAD MOTHER.
THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
- WHOOOAAA!
THAT MUST BE JASON'S DEAD MOTHER.
THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
- FRED, YOU'RE AN [BLEEP] HOLE,
AND THAT ASCOT MAKES YOU LOOK GAY.
- AAH! HER FIRST!
KILL HER FIRST!
OHH! - HEY! UHH!
OHH! OHH! AAH! AAH! OHH!
- THE VIRGIN ALWAYS LIVES THE LONGEST
IN THESE HORROR MOVIES.
GOD, MY LIFE SUCKS!
- YOU THINK YOUR LIFE SUCKS?
ONE OF MY APARTMENT TENANTS MIGHT BE A FLAMING HOMO.
AND THAT AIN'T ALL. SOMEBODY KILLED ME.
- MMM.
MMM.
- HUH--HUH!
NOW WE'LL SEE WHO JASON VOORHEES REALLY IS.
[GASPS] OLD MAN PHILLIPS? BUT WHY?
- SPANISH DOUBLOONS WORTH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS
ARE SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE.
THEY WOULD'VE BEEN ALL MINE
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS.
- A--A BUNCH OF COINS?
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
THEY'RE DEAD AND I'M STILL A VIRGIN. A VIRGIN!
- YOU KNOW, WE CAN FIX THAT.
- [MOANING]
- YOUR SKIN IS SOFT.
- OHH...BROTHER.
- [LAUGHS]
- OH, WOW.
- I KNOW A LOT ABOUT PLEASING A YOUNG CHILD. - GIVE IT TO ME, WISE MAN.
GIVE IT TO ME. - OH, HERE YOU GO.
- OHH... - HEY!
- OH, I THINK I'VE GOT A CLUE.
- I'VE GOT LITTLE TO NO SENSATION
IN THE LOWER HALF OF MY BODY.
YEAH, YEAH!
- WHAT A MYSTERY. - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- YEAH. - GOOD!
- OHH! - OH, YEAH!
- OHH! - OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE.
- OW, MY BACK IS--
- OHH...
[MONKEY CHATTERING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--