[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] IT'S ALIVE!
[ LIQUID POURING ] WELCOME BACK TO "FIRST DATE,"
WHERE WE'VE ALREADY MATCHED UP SOME UNLIKELY COUPLES -- A GEEK
WITH A BEAUTY QUEEN, A BASKETBALL PLAYER WITH A DWARF,
AND "JACKASS" STAR STEVE-O WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A LOSER.
BUT THIS TIME, WE'VE OUTDONE OURSELVES.
SUSAN HAILS FROM LOS ANGELES, AND, LIKE ALL OF US, SHE'S
LOOKING TO BE BITTEN -- THAT IS, SMITTEN -- BY LOVE.
SO, I WAS, LIKE, RAISED JEWISH, AND FAMILY'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO ME.
IF MY DAD KNEW HOW IMPORTANT SEX WAS TO ME, I WOULD DIE.
[ GIGGLES ] WHEW!
DADDY'S LITTLE PRINCESS HAS A WILD STREAK.
THINK WE CAN FIND SOMEONE TO TAME HER?
DOUGLAS IS A PREDATOR FROM NEWARK, NEW JERSEY, WHO PRIDES
HIMSELF ON HIS TROPHY COLLECTION.
BUT ARE WOMEN JUST PART OF THE HUNT FOR HIM?
SURE, I RESPECT WOMEN.
ONE TIME THIS GIRL I KNEW HAD BIG BOOBS.
AND I RESPECT THAT.
I'M A GENTLEMAN.
IF SOMEONE DISRESPECTS MY GIRL, I'LL SKIN HIM.
YOU KNOW, I'M SWEET LIKE THAT.
ONE'S AN ALIEN, THE OTHER'S A PREDATOR.
WILL THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY, OR IS THIS A CASE OF SCIENCE
FRICTION?
OH, HI.
[ GIGGLES ] ARE YOU SUSAN?
YES. NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M DOUGLAS.
[ GIGGLES ] [ BUZZ! ]
MM, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL DAY WE'RE HAVING.
YEAH. YEAH. IT'S GREAT.
SO, WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO YOU USUALLY DATE?
OH -- [ GIGGLES ]
...I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY HAVE A TYPE.
MY FATHER MAY NOT APPROVE OF YOU, THOUGH, SINCE I'M JEWISH
AND YOU'RE PREDATOR-AMERICAN.
OH, HE'S KIND OF PROTECTIVE, HUH?
YEAH, TOTALLY.
HE'S KIND OF TOUGH.
[ WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! ] SO...
HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX TO YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
PRETTY IMPORTANT, I GUESS.
[ Laughing ] YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT SEX.
I GOT TO HAVE IT ALL THE TIME!
ALL THE TIME, HUH?
[ CLANK! ] HOT TUBS ARE NICE, AREN'T
THEY?
I ALSO LOVE THE WAY THE MOONLIGHT ON THE WATER BRINGS
OUT THE SHINE ON YOUR GIANT SHELL.
OH!
[ CROWD BOOING, JEERING ] DON'T DO IT!
YOU CAN DO BETTER!
EW! YUCK!
SO, IT WAS REALLY NICE MEETING YOU.
YOU'RE, UM, YOU'RE A REALLY NICE PERSON.
[ CLANK! ] [ GASPS ]
UGH!
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
[ GURGLING ] ARE YOU OKAY?
UM...
[ GURGLING CONTINUES ] YOU WANT A BAND-AID?
[ BEEPING ] WHOA-HO.
THAT DATE DIDN'T END WELL, DID IT, FOLKS?
THINK THEY'LL EVER GO OUT AGAIN?
LET'S CHECK BACK AND ASK THEM.
GUESS NOT.
SECTOR 5 IS CLEAR.
BUT WE SHOULD CHECK AGAIN BEFORE WE --
HOLY...
ROGERS, WHAT IS THAT THING?
OH, MY GOD!
TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER.
I'LL TELL HER YOU DIED A HERO.
[ EXPLOSION ] NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
[ CRYING ] ROGERS!
YEAH!
I...AM...GOD!
[ CACKLES ] [ ELECTRONIC BEEPING, MUSIC ]
[ TIRES SCREECH, METAL CRASHES ]
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THE TRUCK!
IT'S GONNA BLOW!
CAN ANYBODY HELP THIS GUY GET OUT?
NOW'S OUR CHANCE, BOYS.
[ RAPID BEEPING ] TETSUO!
[ "MASTERPIECE THEATER"-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS ]
WELCOME BACK TO THE "CAROUSEL OF TOMORROW," WHERE WE
LOOK AT HUMANITY'S MARCH INTO THE FUTURE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE, EXCITED VIEWERS, WHAT MARVELS THE
21st CENTURY HOLDS?
WHY, JUST IMAGINE -- THE CHINESE SAY THEY'RE GOING TO LAND A MAN
ON THE MOON BY THE YEAR 2020.
WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE, DO YOU THINK?
MEOW. MEOW.
MEOW!
INSPIRING.
AS WE REACH TOWARD SPACE, WE ALSO LOOK INWARD.
THE UNLOCKING OF THE HUMAN GENOME WILL ALLOW THE BIRTH OF
PERFECT BABIES IN THE FUTURE.
WHY, THINK OF A WORLD WITHOUT DISEASE...OR MIDGETS --
WHERE EVERY CHILD IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
SIEG HEIL!
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT AS HIGH-SPEED INTERNET ACCESS
IMPROVES, DOCTORS CAN PERFORM COMPLICATED SURGERIES WITHOUT
LEAVING THE BEACH?
[ WHIRRING, THUMPING ] YOU WILL.
[ FLATLINE ] AND IN THE FUTURE,
VIRTUAL-REALITY SEX WILL BE PERFECTED, AND SOCIETY WILL BE
FOREVER CHANGED.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ] MR. WEMBLEY?
YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU, BITCH?
WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP.
MAYOR McCHEESE!
HOW DO YOUR VIEWS DIFFER FROM GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER, GIVEN
THAT'S HE'S A REPUBLICAN, AND YOU HAVE A CHEESEBURGER FOR A
HEAD?
IT'S A BIRTH DEFECT!
[ SCOFFS ] I'VE DEALT WITH PREJUDICE ALL MY
LIFE.
MR. MAYOR!
THERE HAVE BEEN ALLEGATIONS THAT YOU'VE TAKEN WOMEN TO MOTEL
ROOMS AND PAID THEM TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ON YOUR CHEST.
UH, UH, UH...
ROBBLE, ROBBLE, ROBBLE, ROBBLE.
[ JAMES BOND-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ GUNSHOT ]
OH, DON'T GET ANY BLOOD ON THE NEW CARPET.
AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE JUDAIC SUPERSPY IS BACK IN ACTION.
NEVER MESS WITH A MAN'S ROTH IRA!
NOW, THE HOOD-MOUNTED GATLING GUNS ARE QUITE DEADLY.
HOW MANY MILES PER GALLON?
UH, 25 OR SO.
NOW, THE SMOKE-SCREEN GENERATOR --
IS THAT HIGHWAY OR CITY MILEAGE?
YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK, GOYFINGER?
NO, MR. HASHANAH.
I EXPECT YOU TO EAT THIS BLT!
THAT'S NOT KOSHER!
[ GAGGING ] THIS SUMMER, GET CHILLIN'
WITH THE TEFILLIN.
I WOULD GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!
I WOULD GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY --
NO DEAL, WIMPY.
OH, NO!
HEH!
[ SIGHS ] NO MORE HAMBURGERS FOR OLD
WIMPY.
DON'T DO THAT, DEAR BOY.
WHY NOT?
WHY, JUST LOOK AT WHAT EVERYONE'S LIVES WOULD BE LIKE
WITHOUT YOU.
[ Echoing ] WITHOUT YOU, WITHOUT YOU.
GOOD JOB, BLUTO.
NICE HAIR, POPEYE!.
[ BOING! BOING! ] BOUNCY-BOUNCY.
[ GIGGLES ] THANKS FOR CURING CANCER,
ALICE THE GOON.
OH, WELL, SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.
HUH?
WH-O-O-OA!
HAMBURGER!
[ SPLASH ] [ ELECTRONIC BEEPING, MUSIC ]
[ WHOOSH! TING! ] [ BEEPING, MUSIC CONTINUE ]
[ THUNK! ] [ BEEPING STOPS ]
[ CLANK! ] [ CRUNCH! ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ CLICK! BEEP! ]
[ BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ] [ BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ]
[ CLICK! BEEP! ]
[ EXPLOSION ] [ GUNSHOT ]
[ SPRAY! ] I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED.
I'LL PUT MY WEDDING RING ON A STICK.
EEK!
A CROPSE BRIDE!
THAT'S NOT A STICK.
THAT'S MY HAND.
NOW WE'RE MARRIED, JOHNNY DEPP!
EEK!
All: SKELETON DANCE, SKELETON DANCE.
FUNKY, FUNKY SKELETON DANCE.
HERE.
THANK YOU FOR THE PRESENT.
BARK, BARK, BARK.
HOORAY!
MY DEAD DOG.
WHY IS THE DOG DEAD?
BECAUSE DOGS DIE.
NOT MY DOG.
UH-HUH.
NUH-UNH.
UH-HUH.
[ CRYING ] NOW I WILL DRINK THE POISON
SO WE CAN BE MARRIED, CROPSE BRIDE.
IT'S CORPSE BRIDE!
I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY DEPP!
HO, HO, HO.
IT WAS I WHO KILLED THE COPIES BRIDE.
CORPSE!
NOW I FIGHT YOU!
FIGHT!
FIRE, FIRE, BANG, BANG!
STOP MOTION!
NOW DRINK THIS POISON!
OKAY.
UH-OH.
I'M DEAD.
AND REMEMBER...
YEECH!
[ LAUGHTER ] DON'T DRINK POISON.
IT'S POISON.
[ GROANS ] [ MUNCHING ]
WHAZUUUP, PONDA?
LET'S BUST OUT EARLY AND HIT THAT NEW CANTINA ACROSS THE
STREET.
COME ON!
ONE DRINK AIN'T GONNA KILL YA!
[ "CANTINA BAND" PLAYS ] [ BABBLING ]
[ SQUEAKING ] LIKE I'M REALLY GONNA EAT A
BUNCH OF BANANAS AFTER THAT?
[ BOTH LAUGH ] HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.
YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF.
WE'RE WANTED MEN.
I HAVE THE DEATH SENTENCE ON 12 SYSTEMS.
I'LL BE CAREFUL.
YOU'LL BE DEAD.
[ LIGHTSABER IGNITES ] [ SCREAMING ]
[ CRYING ] GEE, PONDA, I JUST DON'T SEE
HOW YOU CAN KEEP DESIGNING WITH NO DRAWING ARM.
I'M SORRY, BUT WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.