♪♪
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Cackles ]
[ Theme music plays ]
[ Whirring ]
♪♪
Man: It's alive!
♪♪
[ Thunder rumbles ]
♪♪
[ Farting ]
[ Splash ]
Uh-oh, where's my phone?
Oh!
No!
♪ They emerged from the trees to save our planet ♪
♪ Squatch Squad!
♪ With feet like concrete and fists like granite ♪
♪ Squatch Squad!
♪ Cryptozoology in your face
♪ Hairy heroes that hail from inter-dimensional space ♪
♪ Bigfoot
♪ Space Squatch
♪ Skunk Ape Stomp
♪ Squatch Squad!
Skunk Ape, Space Squatch, look!
They're bulldozing sequoias to make room
for a bulldozer factory!
These guys stink!
Time to zap some dweebizoids!
We're gonna need backup for this.
Batsquatch!
Sheepsquatch! Baaa!
And Blurry Foot --
the bigfoot of photographs.
Ready!
Squatches, stomp!
Oh! Get it off!
No.
Don't disturb the forest!
Oh! Dying!
Dying...
♪ Squatch Squad!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Laughter ]
Indiana Jones, are you here to take me on an adventure?
Yes, Marion, an adventure.
Whoo-hoo!
♪♪
Is this where the Ark of the Covenant is?
That's right, Marion.
Don't look, no matter what happens.
My sweet Westley, you've returned to me and our love.
Through my years as the Dread Pirate Roberts,
all I could think of was this moment.
You must have suffered greatly.
Well...
Take no prisoners!
Slaughter them all!
I'll take all the whores in Freeport!
Sire, the finest iocane powder.
[ Snorts ]
Yeah, bitch!
I'm the motherfucking Dread Pirate Roberts!
Aagh!
No biggie. It was mostly sailing, fishing.
But you were the most feared pirate on the open sea.
Perhaps now is a good time to mention I have syphilis.
[ Lasers firing ]
Hey, Three, do you think masturbation is gay?
What?
Well, you're stroking your penis,
but it's your penis, so, no.
But, like, we're clones, right?
Like, your penis is my penis, eh?
Are you wondering if it's gay to have sex with your own clone?
'Cause if it's between two consenting adults, it's --
who cares? Cool.
So, uh, hey, you want to watch "Xanadu" tonight?
I love "Xanadu"!
Oh! Damn!
So close.
Both: Hey, I've got a question for ya.
Yes! Yes!
The Matrix is a simulation built to change a human being's brain
into a computer that generates this.
No! Impossible!
Bitcoin isn't real.
What is real, Neo?
Is the dollar real?
Is a mint condition Black Lotus
Magic: The Gathering card real?
Yes, but why would the machines want Bitcoin?
Because it goes up in value.
So?
So then you have more Bitcoin.
Is this why you freed me, to save mankind from this bullshit?
No, Neo.
You're here to lend me $5,000 so I can buy a Bitcoin.
Happy birthday, Eleroo!
Hello, advanced beings!
I am Dr. Seth Brundle, half man, half fly.
That makes you a Wuzzle, too!
Join us for a party, won't you?
I have recently discovered a fascinating new way to eat!
Observe!
[ Vomits ]
Aagh!
Oops. Sorry.
Agh, my bumble paw!
Bumblelion! Well, waste not, want not.
Hey, get off of him!
You-- Aagh!
It's too much hurting!
Is that half shotgun, half another shotgun?
[ Gunshot ]
That's stupid. It's just a whole shotgun.
♪ Happy birthday to me
Would you like some honey with your tea?
Please.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Huh!
[ Inhales sharply ]
Ah. Thank you.
And for you, Miss?
I'm good.
So in conclusion, if the volcano's eruption will kill
the dinosaurs, we should let it.
Judge: Thank you.
The committee will now hear from a dissenting expert.
♪♪
[ Clears throat ]
[ Screeches ]
[ Clearing throat ]
Excuse me, kind sir,
but I believe that this is my assigned seat.
The name is Louis Goobberson III.
My pals call me Gooey Louie.
I -- I'm sorry, I'm a little bit of a germophobe, so...
Totally understand.
Hey, do you mind if I partake
of some delectable powdered doughnuts?
They're extra powdery.
Achoo!
You have to let me change seats.
Excuse me, Miss, while I have you,
do you perchance have one single-ply napkin?
[ Blows nose ]
50 bucks for a DayQuil? Ooh.
I have always desired to watch Pixar's "Up."
This should be light fare indeed!
Oh fuck!
[ Sobbing, sniffling ]
Miscarriage and death -- what pain life holds.
What unique sorrow.
Such sorrow!
Get a neti pot, you selfish ass!
Hey, slow down!
There's enough mucous for everybody!
Aah!
You just murdered a federal judge!
It's a mad house!
Everything is snot!
Oh!
The Allies have taken Berlin! And why?
Because you all failed to do what I asked of you!
Johann Schmidt, have you found the Tesseract in Norway?
Mein fuhrer, none of the occult items you ask for exist.
A better use of my mein troops would be --
[ Gunshot ] Enough! Frau Haupstein,
have you opened the gates to hell?
I was not able to summon
the demonic Hellboy with the help of Rasputin.
But I have been working on a military strategy.
Unacceptable!
Herr Toht, have you recovered the artifact from Egypt?
Um, uh, yes.
I have found the lost Ark of the Covenant.
Wunderbar! Where is it?
It is... uh, here.
I have kept the 10 Commandments in this briefcase.
Finally, the key to winning the war!
[ Laughs ] Americanas, I bet you did not expect --
keep mein eyes closed, keep mein eyes closed -- this!
[ Laughs ]
The power of God is mine to command.
Your face is melting, I wish I could see!
And your face, too! [ Laughs ]
The ghosts are so scary.
Let's see where this goes.
♪ Melty, melty, melty!
So cool.
Aliens sent you plans for a spaceship in your dreams.
We could be explorers.
Holy crap, that's a -- a -- what do you call it?
An electromagnetic bubble capable of moving
at near limitless distances and speeds.
Yes! Wow!
That is quite the racket.
Maybe we should check on them.
No, let them explore their bodies.
♪♪
[ Meowing ]
Oh. No!
Oh, a Pez.
Thank you.
[ Chuckles ] Mmm.
Krypton is doomed, my son.
But on Earth, you shall be like a god.
Oh, boy! First day on the Earth job.
Fu...
...nny coincidence.
What to do, what to do.
Oh, no! Brainiac!
I was your only friend.
[ Sighs ] What to do, what to do.
The sun is almost up, Elisa.
Leave me and go.
I'm not going anywhere.
When you turn to stone, I'll watch over you.
You don't understand.
[ Groaning ]
Goliath?
And the romance is gone.
That's impressive, though.
♪♪
Mr. Pol Pot, gnarly soldier dude,
I am Bill S. Preston, esquire.
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.
And we are here to--
[ Gunfire ]
Bill and Ted, wait!
We've come to warn you, do not ask Mr. Pot --
Oh, no. We're too late.
Oh, dude! Déjà vu!
[ Gunfire ]
Mr. Pot, may I suggest
that your soldiers to not --
Non-heinous.
This is most uncool, dude.
Stop!
Oh, no! I'm shot.
Except reveal!
Radical!
Bogus.
Dude!
Oh, fuck, bro!
Damn, we totally mistimed that one.
-Whoa! -Bogus!
[ Imitating guitar riff ]
♪♪
Coming soon, "Bill and Ted: Part 3."
Stoopid monkey.