[ THUNDER ] [ LAUGHING ]
IT'S ALIVE!
[ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE.
HA, PAPER BEATS FACE.
[ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE
ROCK PUNCHES NUTS.
[ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE.
YO, SCISSORS IN YOUR ANUS!
I HATE THIS GAME.
OUR CARE BEAR FRANCHISE IS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE.
CORRUPTED BY IMPURE CREATURES
THAT LEECH OFF OUR SUNSHINE LAND.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT THE CARE BEAR COUSINS.
CARE BEAR COUSINS SUCK!
I MIGHT BE LOVE A LOT BEAR, BUT I CAN HATE A LOT TOO.
WE CAN NO LONGER IGNORE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
WE MUST SEND THEM ALL TO THE GREAT
CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY. BEDTIME BEAR.
Y'ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, IT'S BEDTIME!
AND BY BED I MEAN ETHNIC,
AND BY TIME, I MEAN CLEANSING.
[CHANTING] CARE-A-LOT! CARE-A-LOT!
STOP!
WHOA, FAMOUS CARE TAKER DON CHEADLE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
I BUILT A HOTEL WHERE THE COUSINS CAN BE SAFE.
YEAH, WE CAN KEEP THE CORPSES IN THERE!
NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL.
I LOVED YOU IN SWORDFISH MR. CHEADLE.
CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
AH, OK.
I'M LOTS-OF-LAUGHS BEAR,
AND I'VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE TODAY,
FOR A SPECIAL HAPPY CELEBRATION.
[LAUGHING]
IF IT'S A SPECIAL HAPPY CELEBRATION,
THEN WHY AM I CRAPPING A LOAD IN MY DRAWERS?
WE DID IT!
WE KILLED ALL THE CARE BEAR COUSINS!
HOORAY FOR MURDER!
NOW LET US CELEBRATE OUR GENOCIDE.
GET YOUR PARTY ON!
EVERYONE, EAT SOME RAINBOW!
HMM, THAT'S GOOD RAINBOW.
[THUNDER]
[BLEEP-BLEEP]
IT'S THE GREAT CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY!
CARE BEARS, I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ACTIONS
WITH GREAT DISPLEASURE.
BUT WE PURIFIED THE LAND OF CARE-A-LOT.
FOR YOUR DARK AND TERRIBLE DEED,
I SHALL TURN CARE-A-LOT INTO A DARK AND TERRIBLE PLACE.
A HELL ON EARTH.
I SHALL TURN CARE-A-LOT INTO...
NEW JERSEY.
NO!
HELLO, I'M NEW JERSEY'S GOVERNOR JON CORZINE.
I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED THIS REENACTMENT
OF OUR STATE'S PROUD HISTORY.
THE GARDEN STATE,.
COME GET IN ON SOME OF THIS RAINBOW.
DID YOU GET IT?
HEY, NICE SHOES.
BUT THEY'D LOOK MUCH BETTER IN MY PANTS.
WAIT.
I MEAN, ARE YOU FROM HEAVEN?
'CAUSE I'VE GOT AN ERECTION.
[THUNDER]
AH, ROB SCHNEIDER.
IF HE WASN'T SO HANDSOME, I WOULD STOP SEEING HIS MOVIES.
DON'T YOU AGREE, LITTLE HEIMLICH?
YEAH, PAPA.
AH, LOOK OUT, MY PAPA!
[CHOKING]
PAPA!
AHHH!
AND PUNCH AND KICK AND PUNCH AND KICK
AND JAZZ HANDS, AND PUNCH
AND GOOD. GOOD, YOUNG HEIMLICH.
YOU ARE LEARNING VERY FAST
ARE YOU READY TO FACE YOUR DEEPEST FEAR?
YEAH!
HE'S CHOKING! HE'S A GONER, HEIMLICH.
NEIN, HE'S PRACTICE.
HI-YAH!
HEIMLICH, THAT MANEUVER
IS THE KEY TO YOUR GREATNESS!
YOU ARE READY.
[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
THE CHOKER.
HIS PORTIONS ARE ALWAYS TOO BIG.
HEIMLICH, DO THE MANEUVER!
HEIMLICH, HOW CAN WE EVER THANK YOU?
NEED BRATWURST AND BEER.
AND THIS IS HOW I, JOE SCHUMACHER, SEE IT.
IT'S ALWAYS SAUSAGE WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.
MARY HAD A --
[scratching] LI-LI-LITTLE LAMB.
RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY THE ACCIDENT LEFT YOU MUTE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT MEANS YOU CAN'T TALK NO MORE.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK
DON'T MEAN YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE.
LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!
YOU'LL WEAR THIS EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
KICK IT OVER HERE, HI MY NAME IS RICKY!
NICE JOB ON DEFENSE, HI MY NAME IS RICKY.
YOU SUCK.
YOU SERIOUSLY [BLEEP] SUCK, DUDE.
RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY
THE ACCIDENT LEFT YOU MOSTLY DEAF.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
WELL ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER CHALLENGE,
HUH, CHAMP-O?
I GOT YOU THESE HEARING AIDS.
HEY, NICE HUSTLE, HELLO I'M HEARING IMPAIRED!
YOU KINDA SUCK, HELLO, I'M HEARING IMPAIRED.
RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY THE ACCIDENT
AFFECTED YOUR BRAIN.
WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS YET,
BUT I GOT YOU THESE GOOGLY-EYE GLASSES.
WE WON, HOWDY, I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE!
THREE CHEERS FOR HOWDY I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE!
HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!
WOW, THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.
WHICH KID IS YOURS?
THAT FAT ASIAN KID.
OH, MY GOD!
JEFFREY, WE'RE OUT OF ICE CREAM!
LOOK, POTTER, I TAUGHT THE SORTING HAT A NEW TRICK.
VIRGIN!
LOOKS LIKE POTTER IS HE WHO SHALL NOT BE LAID.
GUESS THE MONSTER PUBERTUS
HASN'T CAUGHT UP WITH YOU YET.
PUBERTUS IS JUST A MYTH, MALFOY.
SECOND BASE.
CLASS, TODAY WE'LL BE LEARNING SPELLS
WHICH GIVE OBJECTS THE PROPERTY OF WOOD.
PROPERTY OF WOOD?
THAT'S HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW.
PUBERTUS!
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE, I THINK THE MONSTER PUBERTUS HAS CURSED ME.
YO. WHO ARE YOU?
AW, HARRY, IT'S ME, DOUBLE DOUGH.
BUT DUMBLEDORE ISN'T --
LISTEN, I'M A DIFFERENT ACTOR IN EVERY MOVIE.
HERE, THIS MIGHT AGE YOU. IT WAS YOUR DAD'S.
IT'S ENGRAVED.
"THIS HANDY STONE FITS IN YOUR PALM,
BUT ONLY HEAT WILL TURN IT ON."
I KNOW WHAT TURNS ME ON --
HALLE BERRY IN SWORDFISH.
DVD-US PAUSES.
OH, NO. WHAT IS IT, RON?
THE MONSTER PUBERTUS HAS CURSED ME, TOO.
HE'S EVEN CURSED SCABBERS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN STOP NOW.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? LET'S ASK HAGRID FOR HELP.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, HERMIONE.
WE NEED TO CONFRONT THE TERRIBLE HORROR OURSELVES,
AND POTENTIALLY END UP HOSPITALIZED, LIKE ALWAYS.
ALL RIGHT, JUST FINISH.
PROFESSOR SNAPE, HARRY AND RON
HAVE BEEN CURSED BY THE MONSTER PUBERTUS.
PUBERTUS, EH?
LET'S DISCUSS THIS FURTHER IN MY MAGICAL JACUZZI.
BARRY WHITUS, CANDLELIGHTUS,
GIRL EXCITE-US.
[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
SO, SHALL WE PLAY
PUT THE SORTING HAT ON THE SLYTHERIN?
PEDIFILIUS REPELLUS.
ACCORDING TO LEGEND, PUBERTUS LIVES IN THIS DUNGEON.
HARRY, I'M SCARED.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED, YOU CHICKEN [BLEEP].
I CAN'T HELP IT! I'M A SCARED, PIMPLE-FACED,
RED-HEADED CHICKEN [BLEEP] VIRGIN!
RON, SHUSH! DO YOU HEAR THAT NOISE?
All: PUBERTUS!
HORMONUS CONTROLLUS!
ONLY HEAT WILL TURN IT ON.
I MUST HAVE TO RUB THE STONE.
IT WORKED!
[ ROARS ]
QUICKLY HARRY, RUB IT OUT AGAIN.
HARRY, RUB ANOTHER ONE OUT QUICKLY!
I'M RUBBING AS HARD AS I CAN,
AND THE STONE IS GETTING ALL CHAFED.
HARRY, I FORGOT TO EXPLAIN.
THE RUBBING STONE CAN ONLY BE USED
THREE TIMES IN A DAY.
FOUR IF YOU TAKE A WEEK OFF.
THEN HOW DO WE DEFEAT PUBERTUS?
MAN, YOU CAN'T DEFEAT PUBERTUS.
HE LIVES INSIDE Y'ALL.
JUST AS MY OWN DEMON, WANDUS LIMPUS,
PREVENTS ME FROM HAVING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS.
CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS
♪ [ CLUCKING ] ♪