TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP] [THUNDER]
>> AAH!
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> HA HA HA HA!
>> MORNING BEAR, ARE YOU HAVING SMOKE SEX?
>> UH, NO.
>> [YAWNS] WHAT A DAY!
IT'S EXHAUSTING BEING THE CEO OF BURGER KING.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] [BEEP]
HELLO?
IS ANYONE THERE?
DAMN IT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] [BEEP]
HELLO.
WHO IS THIS?
I'M THE CEO OF BURGER KING, YOU KNOW.
DAH!
[CREAK] WHAT WAS THAT?
[CREAK] WHO'S THERE?
WHEW!
MUST HAVE JUST BEEN MY-- AAH!
I'M FLAME-BROILING IN MY PANTS!
WAAHHH!
[CRACK] OH! MY ARM!
DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
HA HA!
WHAT?
NO!
I'VE KILLED MY ONLY SON!
IF ONLY PHILIP HAD LIVED TO TASTE THE TRIPLE BACON KING
BURGER NOW ON SALE AT PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS.
>> THE NEW TRIPLE BACON KING BURGER.
SPEND YOUR NIGHTS WITH THE KING.
>> OH, PHILIP!
[URINATING] >> HEY.
>> DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS, MAN.
>> MEIN TEACHER?
>> YES, LI'L HITLER?
>> MEIN DESK IS SMALL.
I NEED THIS POLISH BOY'S DESK, ALSO.
>> EVERYONE GETS THE SAME SIZE DESK, LI'L HITLER.
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER SUCH A SCAMP ♪
>> AH, HERE IT IS, THE BOOK OF YOUR LIFE.
>> WOW!
HUH?
>> JUST ASK THE BOOK ANY QUESTION ABOUT YOUR LIFE, AND
THE ANSWER SHALL BE REVEALED.
>> UH...HOW MANY DAYS DID I LIVE?
COOL!
HOW MANY HOURS IS THAT?
>> IT'S NOT A CALCULATOR.
THIS IS THE BOOK OF YOUR LIFE.
>> OOH, HOW MANY TIMES DID I HEAR THE SONG "I TOUCHED MYSELF"
BY THE DIVINYLS?
HUH...I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE THAN THAT.
>> WHY NOT ASK THE BOOK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS ON EARTH AND HOW
THEY IMPACTED YOUR LOVED ONES?
>> IN A MINUTE.
HEY, BOOK, IF I MADE BRICKS OUT OF ALL THE POOP I EVER POOPED
OUT AND BUILT A 6-FOOT HIGH WALL OUT OF THE BRICKS, HOW LONG
COULD I MAKE THAT WALL?
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
>> BOOK, TELL THIS MAN HOW MANY MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS HE GAVE HIS
FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
>> BORING!
BOOK, COULD I HAVE FILLED THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING WITH MY
OWN POOP?
>> DON'T ANSWER THAT, BOOK.
>> BUT I WANT TO KNOW.
>> NO!
>> YES!
>> NO!
>> YES!
>> THAT DOES IT!
[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING] >> 2.7 MILES?
>> HA! I KNOW!
>> NOW, CLASS-- >> MEIN TEACHER?
I WILL NEED THE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN BOY'S DESK AS WELL.
>> LI'L HITLER, WHERE'S LITTLE POLASKI?
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER ALWAYS HAVING FUN ♪
>> CAT COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.
WE WILL NOW HEAR THE CASE OF GARFIELD VS. HEATHCLIFF.
>> I WAS IN THE FUNNY PAPERS 5 YEARS BEFORE THIS LAME
KNOCKOFF.
>> JUDGE, IF I MIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THIS AFFIDAVIT.
OH, SORRY, YOUR HONOR.
I'M ON A LASAGNA DIET.
I SEE LASAGNA, I EAT IT.
[YAWN] >> AW, THAT JOKE SUCKS,
EVEN FOR YOU.
>> COURT AGREES.
THAT JOKE SUCKED.
GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID WE ARE AT A STANDSTILL.
THERE'S ONLY ONE FAIR WAY TO SETTLE THIS ARGUMENT.
CAT FIGHT!
>> YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
COME ON, FAT BOY!
>> COME AND GET IT, CAT.
>> RREOWW!
OPEN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY, YOU LAZY [BLEEP].
>> I'M GONNA START CALLING YOU "MONDAY."
I HATE MONDAYS.
[SHOUTING] >> OH, OOH, I REAL--
>> I'M DYING!
I'M SO CUTE AND I'M DYING!
AAH!
>> EAT IT, EAT IT!
DIE, DIE!
>> ENOUGH.
WE HAVE A CHAMPION.
THE COURT RULES IN FAVOR OF GARFIELD.
>> PTUI!
>> OH!
HEART...ATTACK...
FROM DECADES...OF ONLY...
EATING-- >> I'M SORRY.
I JUST COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER FREAKING LASAGNA JOKE.
>> OH, GODS BE PRAISED, I'M FREE!
>> UP NEXT, CAT COURT HEARS THE ASSAULT CASE AGAINST CHESTER
CHEETAH.
>> HE HANKERED FOR A HUNK OF MY ASS, YAHOO!
>> UH-OH.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN QUICKSAND.
I'LL HAVE A GOOD LAUGH ABOUT THIS TONIGHT WITH THE GUYS.
HA HA HA!
[ORGAN MUSIC] WELL, THIS IS JUST [BLEEP]
PERFECT!
STUPID QUICKSAND!
STUPID JUNGLE!
I WANT TO BITE SOMEONE IN THE FACE!
MOTHER[BLEEP]!
AH, [BLEEP]!
YOU STUPID JUNGLE!
AH, [BLEEP]!
[ORGAN MUSIC] ARE YOU THERE, GOD?
IT'S ME--GIRAFFE.
LISTEN, IF YOU WOULD JUST GIVE ME A MULLIGAN ON THIS QUICKSAND
THING, I PROMISE, I PROMISE NO MORE PEEING ON YOUR SHORTER
CREATURES.
DEAL?
[ORGAN MUSIC] [SOBBING]
MOMMY.
[ORGAN MUSIC] YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I'M COOL
WITH THIS.
I'LL BET HEAVEN HAS ALL THE TENDER LEAVES I CAN EAT
AND EVERYONE GETS THEIR OWN SLURPEE MACHINE.
YEAH, TAKE ME SWEET DEATH.
I AWAIT YOUR LOVING EMBRACE.
[SPLAT] WHAT?
I THINK I HIT THE BOTTOM.
[BLEEP] [SQUEAK SQUEAK]
>> WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
[SLURP] >> IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
[SIGHS] NOW IT'S MY PROBLEM.
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER I'M [INDISTINCT] ♪
>> LOOK SHARP, TEAM.
>> REMEMBER, MY X-MEN, USE EXTREME CAUTION.
THIS IS YOUR MOST DANGEROUS MISSION YET.
>> RIGHT, PROFESSOR.
[ZAP] >> OH, IS IT OK IF I DELETE REAL
WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE OFF THE TIVO, BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A--
WOW!
I'M GOING TO NEED SOME NEW STUDENTS.
WELCOME, RECRUITS.
THOUGH WE'VE HAD TO LOWER OUR STANDARDS THANKS TO A SHORTAGE
OF ACTUAL MUTANTS, THE DANGERS YOU'LL FACE ARE NO LESS REAL.
YOU'LL BE DEFENDING A WORLD THAT HATES AND FEARS YOU.
>> WHAT?
HATE AND FEAR US BECAUSE WE'RE MUTANTS?
>> NO, BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE "POLICE ACADEMY" MOVIES.
[SQUEAK SQUEAK] WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS
CHAIR?
AND IT SEEMS WE'RE MISSING ONE RECRUIT.
[AIRPLANE] >> SORRY I'M LATE.
>> MAHONEY!
THIS IS THE DANGER ROOM, THE ULTIMATE TRAINING FACILITY.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT FACE: KILLER DEATH RAYS, FLYING
BUZZ SAWS, INFLATABLE ... BAGS.
LET'S BEGIN.
>> HELLO, MY RUBA BROTHER.
I'M LARDELL JONES.
DESTROY ALL HUMANOIDS.
>> EXCUSE ME, UM...
PLEASE, STOP THAT.
>> YOU'RE AN X MAN.
ACT LIKE ONE.
>> WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME, DIRTBAG!
>> FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, GET THAT BODY TO THE MORGUE.
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
>> HIGHTOWER, WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
WELL, THAT'S HORRIFYING.
RECRUITS, THESE BATTLE OUTFITS ARE STYLISH,
TEMPERATURE-CONTROLLED, AND BEST OF ALL BULLETPROOF.
>> AWESOME!
>> TACKLEBERRY, NO!
>> OF COURSE, THEY CAN ONLY PROTECT THE PARTS OF YOU THEY
ACTUALLY COVER.
[SQUEAK SQUEAK] STUPID CHAIR.
HEY! YOU!
IT'S BEEN YOU ALL ALONG!
>> HUH?
>> TRY MAKING YOUR CUTE SOUND EFFECTS WITH A TELEPATHICALLY
ERASED BRAIN.
[CHOKING] >> HA!
[SQUEAK SQUEAK] UH-OH.
WELCOME NEW GRADUATES OF XAVIER SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS.
>> HE'S IN FOR A SURPRISE.
>> AS X-MEN, YOU NOW CARRY THE GREAT RESPONSIBILITY--
[ZIPPER] SOME MISCHIEF MAKER HAS GONE TO
GREAT LENGTHS TO HIDE A PROSTITUTE UNDER MY PODIUM.
UNFORTUNATELY, I'M PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN AND HER
ENTHUSIASTIC EFFORTS ARE QUITE FOR NAUGHT.
AS I WAS SAYING, THE X-MEN-- I DIDN'T SAY STOP.
>> LOOK SHARP, TEAM.
>> REMEMBER, MY X-MEN, USE EXTREME CAUTION.
OH, WELL.
SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?
>> ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ROWITOOKIDOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
[SQUEAK SQUEAK] RRR! RRR! RRR!
BOOM BOOM BOOM RRR! RRR! RRR!
SHAKE IT.
ROBOCHICKEN?
YEAH! ♪ [CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP] [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--]