[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[EVIL LAUGHTER] [WHIRRING NOISE]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
[EVIL LAUGHTER] >> I JUST CAN'T DO A THING
WITH IT.
[HISSING] >> HEY, GUYS, GOING ON A
MISSION?
CAN I COME?
>> SORRY, SNOW JOB.
THIS MISSION DOESN'T REQUIRE SKIS.
>> WEARING A BLINDINGLY WHITE OUTFIT IN THE MIDDLE OF JUNGLE
WARFARE MAKES YOU A VERY SHOOTABLE TARGET, MAN.
>> BUNCH OF G.I. JERKS.
THOSE GUYS SUCK.
SOMEDAY I'LL SHOW THEM HOW MUCH I ROCK.
>> ATTENTION, G.I. JOE!
I AM SAMUEL SCHMID, PRESIDENT OF SWITZERLAND.
THE SWISS ALPS, THEY HAVE BEEN OVERRUN BY YETI!
>> JUST ONE YETI?
>> YETI!
YETIS!
WHATEVER THE PLURAL IS.
WE NEED YOUR HELP!
>> SOUNDS LIKE A GO JOB FOR SNOW JOB!
>> THAT'S AWFUL.
>> YEAH, I GOTTA WORK ON THAT.
[BARKING] WHOO-HOO!
THIS MUST BE THE SWISS CAPITOL BUILDING.
BUT I DON'T SEE ANY YETI.
ER, YETIS.
YETI?
I DON'T SEE ANYONE!
OW!
WHAT-- [LAUGHTER]
>> OH, SNOW JOB, YOU IDIOT.
>> SNOW JOB, YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING!
>> HA HA HA!
RETARD!
HA HA HA!
>> HEY, SOLDIER, SORRY ABOUT THAT PRACTICAL JOKE.
>> PLEASE FORGIVE US, SNOWY DEALINGS.
WE WERE CARELESS WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
>> WHATEVER.
I DON'T CARE.
>> DID YOU SEE?
IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE!
>> REALLY?
>> YUP.
WE HAVE A MISSION FOR YOU.
>> AWESOME!
SON OF A BITCH.
>> NOW JUST HOLD STILL.
THIS WON'T HURT-- [HISSING]
>> UH, GUYS?
I DON'T THINK THAT FLYING MONKEY ROAD KILL IS SITTING SO WELL.
[WHISTLE] >> SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO
BEEN-- >> A WHILE, OK?
>> YOU'RE A BIG HAND NOW, THING.
I THINK IT'S TIME YOU WENT AND MADE IT ON YOUR OWN.
>> I'M SORRY, THING, OLD MAN.
[TRUCK HORN] >> I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU,
MR. THING, YOUR RESUME IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
MASSAGE THERAPY, PALM READING, ENSEMBLE IN "ANNIE."
I'M WILLING TO GIVE YOU A SHOT, KID.
>> HEY, THING.
LET ME INTRODUCE ALLISON FROM ACCOUNTING.
SHE NEEDS A RIDE HOME TONIGHT, IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
[CHUCKLING] >> OH, THING.
OH, THING!
IT'S NOT YOU, THING, IT'S ME.
I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN SOMEDAY, AND YOU DON'T HAVE REPRODUCTIVE
ORGANS.
I'M SORRY.
[CLATTER] >> HEY, THING.
SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT WITH ALLISON.
NO PUN INTENDED.
BUT I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NEW GIRL FROM ACCOUNTING.
THING, EMMA JIG.
[CHUCKLING] >> THING, EMMA JIG, I NOW
PRONOUNCE YOU HAND AND HAND.
[CHEERING] >> HOW ARE THEY GOING TO, YOU
KNOW, DO IT?
♪ GET FUNKY WITH YOUR FINGERS ♪ ♪ FUNKY WITH YOUR FINGERS ♪
♪ BABY ♪ ♪ FUNKY WITH YOUR FINGERS ♪
[YELLING AND WHISTLING] [LAUGHTER]
>> AHH!
>> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE, A LEPRECHAUN OR SOMETHING?
>> OH, SURE, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, LAD.
ONE OF THE WEE FOLK.
A NATURAL-BORN SON OF BEAUTIFUL MOTHER IRELAND.
>> UH-HUH, OK.
>> [BURPS] >> SO IF I CATCH YOU, DO I GET
YOUR POT OF GOLD?
>> OF COURSE, ME LAD.
A POT OF GOLD FOR ANYONE WHO CAN CATCH--
OH, BOLLOCKS.
BARTENDER, ANOTHER BEER, IF YOU--
>> CHECK IT OUT, GUYS!
IT'S A REAL LIVE LEPRECHAUN!
HE'S GIVING OUT REAL GOLD!
LOOK, I GOT SOME.
>> OH, BOLLOCKS!
>> NO!!
>> DAMN THAT CARNEY!
>> WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
>> I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
[CHEERING] >> HEY!
WHY DID I GET A POT OF CRAP?
>> THAT WILL PUT AN END TO THAT.
>> WELCOME TO THE MEMORY GAME!
LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST CONTESTANT.
>> HI, I'M CHARLES, AND I'M FROM TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA.
YEAH!
>> CHARLES, ARE YOU READY TO ENTER THE HALL OF MEMORY?
>> I AM!
>> THEN LET'S PLAY!
>> SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO--OW!
>> OH, TOO BAD, CHARLES.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S BRING OUT OUR NEXT CONTESTANT, HUGH!
>> HI, I'M HUGH.
AND I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.
>> HUGH, GET ON IN THERE.
WAY TO USE YOUR MEMORY.
HUGH REMEMBERED THAT ARROW.
>> UNH!
>> OH, YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH THOSE SPIKES.
HERE GOES MARTHA!
SHE DUCKS THE ARROWS, AND JUMPS THE SPIKES.
SHE AVOIDS THE FALLING ROCK.
NOW SHE SWINGS OVER THE MOLTEN LAVA!
THERE'S THAT HIDDEN AXE.
THAT MAKES FIGHTING THAT SKELETON SO MUCH EASIER.
QUICKLY THROUGH THE POISON GAS.
AND SHE'S OVER THOSE PESKY SAW BLADES!
MARTHA EATS THE BROWNIE THAT'S NOT FILLED WITH LAXATIVE.
AND SHE'S OVER TO THE GIANT PIANO!
"GREENSLEEVES," THAT'S IT!
SHE'S DONE IT!
>> YAY, I DID IT!
YEAH!
WHOO!
>> CONGRATULATIONS, MARTHA!
ARE YOU READY TO COLLECT YOUR PRIZE?
>> YES, I AM!
>> GREAT!
IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE!
>> UH...
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
GO ON, CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.
>> I...OK!
[CHEERING] >> NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO ESCAPE
WITH IT!
>> WHAT?
AAH!
>> WOW!
A BLACK STALLION!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL HORSE!
>> WASSUP, SON?
>> YOU CAN TALK?!
>> OH, YOU THINK BECAUSE I'M A "BLACK" STALLION THAT I CAN'T
TALK?
YOU THINK I'M STUPID OR UNEDUCATED OR SOMETHING?
>> NO, I JUST--IT'S JUST-- HORSES DON'T USUALLY--
>> RACIST!
[BOAT HORN] [PANTING]
>> LOOK, BLACK STALLION!
I CAUGHT A WILD ROOSTER!
>> WELL, ABOUT DAMN TIME!
I'M STARVING UP IN THIS MUG, MAN.
>> SHOULD I FRY IT UP?
>> OH, YOU THINK 'CAUSE I'M A "BLACK" STALLION THAT I LIKE
FRIED CHICKEN.
OH, YES, MASSA!
YEAH!
CAN I GET ME SOME FRIED CHICKEN, PLEASE?
OOH!
>> NO, NO!
I JUST--NO, I MEAN--I MEANT-- [SIGHS]
NEVER MIND.
>> RACIST.
>> BLACK STALLION, I FOUND A SOURCE OF FRESH WATER!
>> THAT'S NOT THE BLACK STALLION.
I'M THE BLACK STALLION.
WHAT, YOU THINK ALL BLACK HORSES LOOK THE SAME?
WE ALL JUST ONE BIG RACE OF BLACK STALLIONS TO YOU, AREN'T
WE?
>> NO, NO, I JUST--I DIDN'T-- I THOUGHT THERE WERE--
>> YOU PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN DANCE, HONKY.
>> I CAN TOO DANCE!
WATCH!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] >> OH, SNAP!
>> SEE, BLACK STALLION?
WE BOTH HAVE MISCONCEPTIONS AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS.
AND YOU CAN BE A RACIST, TOO.
>> LITTLE WHITE BOY, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME A LOT ABOUT MYSELF AND
RACE RELATIONS.
I LOVE YOU.
>> KIDS!
COME INSIDE FOR HOT COCOA.
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN BILLY?
>> NO.
>> DETECTIVE OPRAH!
YOU'RE GOING TO GO AFTER THE BIGGEST CRIME BOSS IN CHICAGO,
SO YOU'LL NEED A NO-NONSENSE PARTNER WITH A NO-NONSENSE
MOUSTACHE.
MEET DR. PHIL.
>> COME ON, OPRAH.
IT'S TIME TO GET REAL.
>> I'M AGING TOO GRACEFULLY FOR THIS [BEEP].
THAT'S THE BIG BOSS' RIGHT-HAND MAN, SALVADOR.
IF I CAN GET 5 MILLION WHITE TRASH HOUSEWIVES TO READ "WAR
AND PEACE," I CAN GET THIS GUY TO TALK.
>> LET ME TRY SOMETHING, OPRAH.
HEY, LISTEN, SALVADOR?
YOU SHOW 8 OUT OF 9 SIGNS OF BEING A CRIMINAL PSYCHOPATH.
BUT A NEW DAY IS JUST WAITING AROUND THE CORNER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL--
[GUNFIRE] >> WHO THE [BEEP] ARE YOU?
AND WHAT [BEEP] DID YOU JUST SAY?
>> I THINK HE'S REALLY OPENING UP.
>> YEAH, OPENING UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS!
SALVADOR, I THINK A LOT OF THIS ANGER IS STEMMING FROM THE
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER.
I'D LIKE TO BRING HIM OUT HERE.
COME ON OUT, DAD.
>> PAPA?!
HOW DID YOU...?
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FLY FROM ITALY.
>> ALL GUESTS OF "THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW" FLY FIRST CLASS ON
DELTA AIRLINES.
>> PAPA!
PAPA!
>> TAKE 'EM DOWN!
>> OH, PAPA!
>> IF YOU RAT ON YOUR BOSS, WE'LL GIVE YOU A 64-INCH HIGH
DEFINITION PLASMA TV FROM SAMSUNG.
>> THAT'S JUST A REFURBISHED FLOOR MODEL!
YOU GO TO HELL!
>> TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.
DID SOMEONE TOUCH YOU AS A KID?
THAT IS WRONG, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I CARE ABOUT YOU.
>> UH...
THE BOSS, HE HANGS OUT BEHIND THE BOWLING ALLEY.
>> BOOK 'EM, OPRAH.
>> TIME FOR YOU FOOLS TO JOIN MY BOOK CLUB.
THE FIRST BOOK IS A STORY ABOUT A SUCKER.
>> OPRAH, I'M ALREADY A MEMBER OF YOUR BOOK--
>> I WOULD LOVE TO KICK YOUR ASS!
>> STAY BACK.
I DON'T TRUST YOU COPS FURTHER THAN I COULD THROW YOU.
>> WELL, THEN, LET'S TRY A TRUST EXERCISE.
YOU FALL BACK INTO MY ARMS.
TRUST ME, I WON'T HARM YOU.
>> OK.
>> BUT THEY WILL.
>> YOU MAY HAVE CAUGHT ME, BUT YOU HAVE NO PROOF I EVER KILLED
ANYBODY.
>> OH, YEAH?
LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIR.
[CHEERING] [SCREAMING]
>> IN HINDSIGHT, THAT WAS A MISTAKE.
>> WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, OPRAH.
YOU ALWAYS ARE.
[CHICKEN CLUCKING AS THOUGH SINGING]
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]