[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> IN "TONIGHT'S NEWS," YOU CAN FIND THE WORDS "NIGHT," "TIGHT,"
"TITS," "TOTS," "STEW," "WINO," "GHOST" AND THE NAME "TONI," IF
SPELL IT WITH AN "I."
[ HORNS HONKING ] >> OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
NOT ONE MORE DAY OF THIS!
NOT ONE MORE DAY!
[ LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY ] OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.
[ CHUCKLING ] >> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> SHUT UP!
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
[ ENGINE REVVING ] HA!
TIME TO GO TO WORK.
>> BE CAREFUL, DEAR.
>> YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
[ TIRES SCREECHING ] AAH!
JEWISH [BLEEP] HOLIDAY!
>> [ GRUNTS ] HA!
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
>> NO!
DO A DANCE!
>> [ GROANS ] ♪ AH DOO BOP DA-DA LA DOO DA ♪
♪ DA OOH DAH ♪ ♪ AH TA DA DUN DUN DUN DA-DUN ♪
♪ DIDDLY DAA! ♪ ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED NOW?!
>> TELL A JOKE!
>> [ SIGHS ] A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A MONK
WALK INTO A -- >> WHAT'S A RABBI?!
>> OKAY, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THESE CARDS, AND YOU JUST TELL
ME WHAT YOU SEE.
>> BREASTS!
BOOBS!
KNOCKERS!
FUNBAGS!
HOOTERS!
DIRTY PILLOWS!
MILK SACKS!
TA-TAS!
MELONS!
GAZONGAS!
FLESH PUMPKINS!
SWEATER MEAT!
NIPPLE BACKSTOPS!
BIG, BOPPLIN' BOOBLY OOBLY OOBLIES!
TWO MOONS IN TRACTOR BEAM!
MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM!
>> JUST TELL ME YOUR DEMANDS AND WE CAN END THIS!
THERE'S NO REASON TO HURT THOSE BABIES!
>> ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT THEY LOVE ME!
[ SILENCE ] I KNEW NOBODY LOVED ME!
IT'S YOUR FAULT, MOM!
WHY DIDN'T LOVE ME?!
>> VERINGULAR -- WE'RE DROPPING YOUR CALLS ON PURPOSE, AND THERE
ISN'T [BLEEP] YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!
>> WOW!
IT'S THE MUSTANG I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!
WOW, DAD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU -- HEY.
AW, DAD, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
>> WAIT, THAT'S MY CAR.
YOURS IS OVER THERE.
>> OH -- AW!
>> I'VE MADE A DEAL THAT WILL KEEP THE EMPIRE OUT OF OUR
AFFAIRS FOREVER.
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] >> [ ROARING ]
>> WE'D BE HONORED IF YOU COULD JOIN US.
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] [ GRUNTING ]
[ SLURPING ] >> C-CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE
WATER?
>> WHAT?
>> NOTHING!
I JUST ASKED FOR MORE WATER.
HMM?
>> CKK!
>> RRR!
>> PKWW!
>> [ EXHALING ] RRR!
>> SO, HOW WE DOING?!
LEIA, HOW'S THE SOUP?
YOU EVER HAVE SOUP THIS GOOD?
>> YES, ON ALDERAAN.
>> HEY, PRINCESS, LET IT GO.
"OH, HELP ME!
WE'RE A PEACEFUL PLANET!" "YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY."
BOO-O-O-O-O-O-O-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!
BIG LASER!
PKK-K-K-K-K-K-K!
ALDERAAN CHUNKS EVERYWHERE!
PS-S-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!
>> ANYONE, UH...
ANYONE GOT A JOKE?
>> I'VE GOT ONE.
WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND BETRAYED HIS BEST FRIEND?
THIS GUY!
[ LAUGHING ] UH...TOO SOON?
>> WELL, IT'S BEEN A TIME AND A HALF, BUT --
[ YAWNING ] LOT OF TORTURING TO DO.
A BOO-OOP BAH BOO!
DOO DEEDLE-DEE DOO DOO!
AROO-OO!
[ CRASHING ] >> FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM
"300" IS A TRUE STORY COMES THE TALE OF OUR NATION'S BIRTH.
>> GENERAL WASHINGTON, THE REDCOATS OUTNUMBER US A BILLION
TO 12!
>> FEAR NOT, AMERICAN!
FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE...
IN VIRGINIA!
[ HORSE NEIGHING ] [ BELL TOLLS ]
>> KING GEORGE WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
>> THIS IS A BRITISH COLONY!
>> BRITISH?
THIS IS AMERICA!
[ ROARING ] HANCOCK, NOW!
Y-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!
>> IT AIN'T ACCURATE, BUT IT'LL BLOW YOUR [BLEEP] MIND.
>> AND THE POWER CELL RECHARGES AS IT MOVES.
IT'S A REVOLUTION IN ROBOTIC LONGEVITY!
YES?
>> CAN YOU [BLEEP] IT?
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> CAN YOU [BLEEP] IT?
>> NO.
>> OH, JEEZ! COME ON!
>> TRAGEDY STRUCK TODAY AS BELOVED CHILDREN'S ICON
RAGGEDY ANN COMMITTED SUICIDE BY STEAM PRESS.
VIEWERS WILL REMEMBER THAT HER LONGTIME COMPANION,
RAGGEDY ANDY, DIED IN THE LATE '80s AND IS NOW A PERMANENT PART
OF THE AIDS QUILT.
>> ALL TOO COMMON.
WHILE BOYS HANG ON TO ACTION FIGURES FOREVER, GIRLS DUMP
THEIR OLD PLAYTHINGS WITH A CRUEL LACK OF COMPASSION.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE.
WHAT HAPPENS TO GIRLS' TOYS WHEN THEY'RE NO LONGER LOVED?
JEM WAS ON TOP OF THE ROCK 'N' ROLL WORLD IN THE '80s, BUT WHEN
SHE FELL, SHE FELL HARD -- SOME SAY RIGHT INTO A
CHEESECAKE.
>> ♪ THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO QUACK QUACK QUACK ♪
♪ OPEN AND SHUT ♪ ♪ BEEP BEEP BEEP ♪
♪ THE DRIVER ON THE BUS GOES SWISH SWISH OPEN QUACK ♪
♪ BUS BEEP BEEP ♪ ♪ THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪
>> NO, THEY DON'T!
YOU'RE RUINING MY PARTY!
>> ♪ LITTLE STUPID BITCH BETTER SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP ♪
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS?
CHLAMYDIA.
>> $40, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY EMBARRASSING, BUT IN THE '80s, I
USED TO MASTURBATE TO YOU ALL THE TIME.
>> YEAH, YOU WERE JUST A BOY THEN, BUT NOW YOU'RE A MAN,
RIGHT?
>> WELL, YES -- A MARRIED MAN.
>> SO, IS IT AN OPEN MARRIAGE OR --
[ COUGHING ] SO, IS IT AN OPEN MARRIAGE?
>> THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES BRIEFLY ADDED A FIFTH
MEMBER WITH A VERY SPECIAL ACCESSORY -- A VAGINA.
BUT AFTER GETTING DUMPED FROM THE TEAM, VENUS CHOSE TO END HER
LIFE THE WAY ALL DISCARDED TURTLES MEET THEIR MAKER.
>> SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES -- TRIED TO FLUSH HERSELF DOWN THE
TOILET.
>> IRONICALLY, WHEN SHE DIED, SHE CRAPPED HERSELF.
>> IS THAT IRONIC OR JUST FUNNY?
>> STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE WAS BULLIED FOR YEARS BY THE EVIL
PURPLE PIEMAN.
NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME, SHE'LL GET TO CONFRONT HER FORMER
TORMENTOR.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> [ Italian accent ] EH?
WHO'S THERE?
I AM BLIND NOW.
THE DIABETES SAW TO THAT.
CHA-CHA-CHA CHA.
STILL GOT THE MOVES, HA HA.
>> AND SO STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE HAS BEEN DENIED THE
CONFRONTATION SHE SO CRAVES.
>> OH, NO!
BULL CRAP!
>> AAH!
>> WHAT THE -- >> [BLEEP]
AAH!
MOTHER [BLEEP] TAKE MY BERRIES NOW, BITCH!
YAAH!
[ BONES CRACKING ] WHOO!
I TOLD THAT MOTHER [BLEEP] I'D BURY HIM, AND THAT'S NOT SOME
FRUIT-RELATED SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
B-U-R-Y -- BURY, LIKE IN THE [BLEEP] GROUND.
>> RAINBOW BRITE WAS A HUGE HIT WITH GIRLS -- AND BOYS WHO
WANTED TO BE GIRLS.
SO, RAINBOW, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
>> WELL, AFTER I RETIRED AS RULER OF RAINBOW LAND, I
CONTINUED TO SEEK OUT ALL THE PRETTY COLORS OF THE WORLD.
I DATED A BLACK GUY, A KOREAN GUY, A BLACK GUY, A PUERTO RICAN
GUY, A BLACK GUY, SOME INDIAN GUYS -- DOT AND FEATHER -- A
BLACK GUY, A BLACK GUY -- OH, ANOTHER BLACK GUY -- DADDY WAS
SO PISSED.
>> AND HOW DOES SAILOR MOON MAKE A LIVING THESE DAYS?
>> I SELL MY USED PANTIES TO OLD MEN ONLINE.
>> IT'S A TRAGEDY WHEN A BELOVED ICON IS DISCARDED ON PURPOSE.
>> WE CABBAGE PATCH PEOPLE WERE ABANDONED AS SOON AS WE GREW OUT
OF OUR CUTE BABY STAGE.
ADOPTION, MY ASSHOLE.
>> WITH NOBODY TO CARE FOR THEM, THE CABBAGE PATCH COMMUNITY FELL
ON HARD TIMES.
PERHAPS THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF ALL BEFELL CHATTY CATHY.
AFTER WITNESSING A MOB CRIME, THE MAFIA TRIED TO MAKE SURE SHE
COULDN'T TALK.
>> [ Mumbling ] THEY CUT OUT MY TONGUE, BUT I WOULD NOT BE
INTIMIDATED.
I TESTIFIED ANYWAY.
>> OH, GOOD FOR YOU.
>> I WISH I WAS DEAD.
>> LET'S NEVER AGAIN FORGET THAT THOSE GIRLS' TOYS OF YESTERYEAR
SHOULD BE TREATED WITH THE DIGNITY AND RESPECT THAT THEY
DESERVE.
>> [ GASPS ] AM I DONE YET?
>> YOU'LL KNOW, CHATTY CATHY.
YOU'LL KNOW.
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.