1 00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:15,982 [ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ] 2 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:26,025 [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE! 3 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:38,304 [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE! 4 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,274 >> IN "TONIGHT'S NEWS," YOU CAN FIND THE WORDS "NIGHT," "TIGHT," 5 00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:45,111 "TITS," "TOTS," "STEW," "WINO," "GHOST" AND THE NAME "TONI," IF 6 00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:46,379 SPELL IT WITH AN "I." 7 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,815 [ HORNS HONKING ] >> OH, MY GOD! 8 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:49,516 OH, MY GOD! 9 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:50,250 OH, MY GOD! 10 00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,117 OH, MY GOD! 11 00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:53,119 NOT ONE MORE DAY OF THIS! 12 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:56,656 NOT ONE MORE DAY! 13 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:07,967 [ LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY ] OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD. 14 00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:10,136 [ CHUCKLING ] >> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 15 00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:10,770 >> SHUT UP! 16 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:13,006 THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING. 17 00:01:13,072 --> 00:01:18,445 [ ENGINE REVVING ] HA! 18 00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,547 TIME TO GO TO WORK. 19 00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:21,614 >> BE CAREFUL, DEAR. 20 00:01:21,681 --> 00:01:23,116 >> YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! 21 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,584 [ TIRES SCREECHING ] AAH! 22 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,123 JEWISH [BLEEP] HOLIDAY! 23 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:33,226 >> [ GRUNTS ] HA! 24 00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,862 ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! 25 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,163 >> NO! 26 00:01:37,229 --> 00:01:38,231 DO A DANCE! 27 00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:41,668 >> [ GROANS ] ♪ AH DOO BOP DA-DA LA DOO DA ♪ 28 00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:44,637 ♪ DA OOH DAH ♪ ♪ AH TA DA DUN DUN DUN DA-DUN ♪ 29 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:49,876 ♪ DIDDLY DAA! ♪ ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED NOW?! 30 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,744 >> TELL A JOKE! 31 00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:55,348 >> [ SIGHS ] A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A MONK 32 00:01:55,414 --> 00:01:58,651 WALK INTO A -- >> WHAT'S A RABBI?! 33 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:00,854 >> OKAY, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THESE CARDS, AND YOU JUST TELL 34 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:01,721 ME WHAT YOU SEE. 35 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,822 >> BREASTS! 36 00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:03,456 BOOBS! 37 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,224 KNOCKERS! 38 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:04,958 FUNBAGS! 39 00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:05,692 HOOTERS! 40 00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:06,759 DIRTY PILLOWS! 41 00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:07,660 MILK SACKS! 42 00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:08,328 TA-TAS! 43 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:08,995 MELONS! 44 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:09,795 GAZONGAS! 45 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:10,597 FLESH PUMPKINS! 46 00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:11,331 SWEATER MEAT! 47 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:12,232 NIPPLE BACKSTOPS! 48 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,000 BIG, BOPPLIN' BOOBLY OOBLY OOBLIES! 49 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,268 TWO MOONS IN TRACTOR BEAM! 50 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,937 MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM! 51 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:20,874 >> JUST TELL ME YOUR DEMANDS AND WE CAN END THIS! 52 00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:23,977 THERE'S NO REASON TO HURT THOSE BABIES! 53 00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:28,414 >> ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT THEY LOVE ME! 54 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:37,624 [ SILENCE ] I KNEW NOBODY LOVED ME! 55 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:40,760 IT'S YOUR FAULT, MOM! 56 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:44,130 WHY DIDN'T LOVE ME?! 57 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:47,300 >> VERINGULAR -- WE'RE DROPPING YOUR CALLS ON PURPOSE, AND THERE 58 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,536 ISN'T [BLEEP] YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. 59 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,504 >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON! 60 00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:52,572 >> WOW! 61 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,141 IT'S THE MUSTANG I'VE ALWAYS WANTED! 62 00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:56,142 WOW, DAD! 63 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:59,045 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU -- HEY. 64 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,080 AW, DAD, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? 65 00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:02,248 >> WAIT, THAT'S MY CAR. 66 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,249 YOURS IS OVER THERE. 67 00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,085 >> OH -- AW! 68 00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:08,788 >> I'VE MADE A DEAL THAT WILL KEEP THE EMPIRE OUT OF OUR 69 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,890 AFFAIRS FOREVER. 70 00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:19,299 >> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] >> [ ROARING ] 71 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:27,907 >> WE'D BE HONORED IF YOU COULD JOIN US. 72 00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,976 >> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] [ GRUNTING ] 73 00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:46,926 [ SLURPING ] >> C-CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE 74 00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:47,327 WATER? 75 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:48,328 >> WHAT? 76 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:49,562 >> NOTHING! 77 00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:51,631 I JUST ASKED FOR MORE WATER. 78 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:56,569 HMM? 79 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:57,570 >> CKK! 80 00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:59,172 >> RRR! 81 00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,440 >> PKWW! 82 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:02,775 >> [ EXHALING ] RRR! 83 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,915 >> SO, HOW WE DOING?! 84 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:11,017 LEIA, HOW'S THE SOUP? 85 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,352 YOU EVER HAVE SOUP THIS GOOD? 86 00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:14,087 >> YES, ON ALDERAAN. 87 00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:18,858 >> HEY, PRINCESS, LET IT GO. 88 00:04:20,726 --> 00:04:22,295 "OH, HELP ME! 89 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,298 WE'RE A PEACEFUL PLANET!" "YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY." 90 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,868 BOO-O-O-O-O-O-O-A-A-A-A-A-A-H! 91 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:29,736 BIG LASER! 92 00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:31,337 PKK-K-K-K-K-K-K! 93 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,539 ALDERAAN CHUNKS EVERYWHERE! 94 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:36,709 PS-S-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H! 95 00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,080 >> ANYONE, UH... 96 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,215 ANYONE GOT A JOKE? 97 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,249 >> I'VE GOT ONE. 98 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:47,387 WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND BETRAYED HIS BEST FRIEND? 99 00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:48,621 THIS GUY! 100 00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:53,126 [ LAUGHING ] UH...TOO SOON? 101 00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:56,295 >> WELL, IT'S BEEN A TIME AND A HALF, BUT -- 102 00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:59,832 [ YAWNING ] LOT OF TORTURING TO DO. 103 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:01,768 A BOO-OOP BAH BOO! 104 00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,803 DOO DEEDLE-DEE DOO DOO! 105 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,171 AROO-OO! 106 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:08,941 [ CRASHING ] >> FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM 107 00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:13,246 "300" IS A TRUE STORY COMES THE TALE OF OUR NATION'S BIRTH. 108 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:16,549 >> GENERAL WASHINGTON, THE REDCOATS OUTNUMBER US A BILLION 109 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:17,483 TO 12! 110 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,352 >> FEAR NOT, AMERICAN! 111 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,854 FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE... 112 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:24,223 IN VIRGINIA! 113 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,595 [ HORSE NEIGHING ] [ BELL TOLLS ] 114 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:33,166 >> KING GEORGE WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU. 115 00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:36,269 >> THIS IS A BRITISH COLONY! 116 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,503 >> BRITISH? 117 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:40,606 THIS IS AMERICA! 118 00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,110 [ ROARING ] HANCOCK, NOW! 119 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:02,795 Y-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H! 120 00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:09,368 >> IT AIN'T ACCURATE, BUT IT'LL BLOW YOUR [BLEEP] MIND. 121 00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:12,939 >> AND THE POWER CELL RECHARGES AS IT MOVES. 122 00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:16,275 IT'S A REVOLUTION IN ROBOTIC LONGEVITY! 123 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:16,876 YES? 124 00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,244 >> CAN YOU [BLEEP] IT? 125 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:19,245 >> EXCUSE ME? 126 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,514 >> CAN YOU [BLEEP] IT? 127 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:22,348 >> NO. 128 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:24,617 >> OH, JEEZ! COME ON! 129 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,520 >> TRAGEDY STRUCK TODAY AS BELOVED CHILDREN'S ICON 130 00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:30,189 RAGGEDY ANN COMMITTED SUICIDE BY STEAM PRESS. 131 00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,859 VIEWERS WILL REMEMBER THAT HER LONGTIME COMPANION, 132 00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:36,462 RAGGEDY ANDY, DIED IN THE LATE '80s AND IS NOW A PERMANENT PART 133 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:38,698 OF THE AIDS QUILT. 134 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:40,032 >> ALL TOO COMMON. 135 00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,568 WHILE BOYS HANG ON TO ACTION FIGURES FOREVER, GIRLS DUMP 136 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:45,171 THEIR OLD PLAYTHINGS WITH A CRUEL LACK OF COMPASSION. 137 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,873 BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE. 138 00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:49,509 WHAT HAPPENS TO GIRLS' TOYS WHEN THEY'RE NO LONGER LOVED? 139 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:53,279 JEM WAS ON TOP OF THE ROCK 'N' ROLL WORLD IN THE '80s, BUT WHEN 140 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,549 SHE FELL, SHE FELL HARD -- SOME SAY RIGHT INTO A 141 00:06:56,616 --> 00:06:57,617 CHEESECAKE. 142 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:00,486 >> ♪ THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO QUACK QUACK QUACK ♪ 143 00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:03,790 ♪ OPEN AND SHUT ♪ ♪ BEEP BEEP BEEP ♪ 144 00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:06,993 ♪ THE DRIVER ON THE BUS GOES SWISH SWISH OPEN QUACK ♪ 145 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,062 ♪ BUS BEEP BEEP ♪ ♪ THAT'S HOW IT GOES ♪ 146 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:11,397 >> NO, THEY DON'T! 147 00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:14,767 YOU'RE RUINING MY PARTY! 148 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:17,737 >> ♪ LITTLE STUPID BITCH BETTER SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP ♪ 149 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:21,240 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS? 150 00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:22,775 CHLAMYDIA. 151 00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:23,910 >> $40, RIGHT? 152 00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:26,412 YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY EMBARRASSING, BUT IN THE '80s, I 153 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,447 USED TO MASTURBATE TO YOU ALL THE TIME. 154 00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:32,185 >> YEAH, YOU WERE JUST A BOY THEN, BUT NOW YOU'RE A MAN, 155 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:32,885 RIGHT? 156 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,987 >> WELL, YES -- A MARRIED MAN. 157 00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:37,056 >> SO, IS IT AN OPEN MARRIAGE OR -- 158 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,125 [ COUGHING ] SO, IS IT AN OPEN MARRIAGE? 159 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,673 >> THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES BRIEFLY ADDED A FIFTH 160 00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:57,243 MEMBER WITH A VERY SPECIAL ACCESSORY -- A VAGINA. 161 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,346 BUT AFTER GETTING DUMPED FROM THE TEAM, VENUS CHOSE TO END HER 162 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:03,049 LIFE THE WAY ALL DISCARDED TURTLES MEET THEIR MAKER. 163 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:05,718 >> SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES -- TRIED TO FLUSH HERSELF DOWN THE 164 00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:06,752 TOILET. 165 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,188 >> IRONICALLY, WHEN SHE DIED, SHE CRAPPED HERSELF. 166 00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:11,057 >> IS THAT IRONIC OR JUST FUNNY? 167 00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:14,193 >> STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE WAS BULLIED FOR YEARS BY THE EVIL 168 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,361 PURPLE PIEMAN. 169 00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:17,763 NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME, SHE'LL GET TO CONFRONT HER FORMER 170 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:18,698 TORMENTOR. 171 00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:20,600 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> [ Italian accent ] EH? 172 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,034 WHO'S THERE? 173 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,703 I AM BLIND NOW. 174 00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:26,439 THE DIABETES SAW TO THAT. 175 00:08:26,505 --> 00:08:28,941 CHA-CHA-CHA CHA. 176 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,710 STILL GOT THE MOVES, HA HA. 177 00:08:30,776 --> 00:08:33,212 >> AND SO STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE HAS BEEN DENIED THE 178 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,614 CONFRONTATION SHE SO CRAVES. 179 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:35,648 >> OH, NO! 180 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:36,716 BULL CRAP! 181 00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:38,517 >> AAH! 182 00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,253 >> WHAT THE -- >> [BLEEP] 183 00:08:40,318 --> 00:08:41,153 AAH! 184 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:44,390 MOTHER [BLEEP] TAKE MY BERRIES NOW, BITCH! 185 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,424 YAAH! 186 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:48,628 [ BONES CRACKING ] WHOO! 187 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:51,864 I TOLD THAT MOTHER [BLEEP] I'D BURY HIM, AND THAT'S NOT SOME 188 00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:54,100 FRUIT-RELATED SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. 189 00:08:54,165 --> 00:08:58,971 B-U-R-Y -- BURY, LIKE IN THE [BLEEP] GROUND. 190 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:02,008 >> RAINBOW BRITE WAS A HUGE HIT WITH GIRLS -- AND BOYS WHO 191 00:09:02,074 --> 00:09:02,942 WANTED TO BE GIRLS. 192 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,610 SO, RAINBOW, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? 193 00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:07,480 >> WELL, AFTER I RETIRED AS RULER OF RAINBOW LAND, I 194 00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:10,483 CONTINUED TO SEEK OUT ALL THE PRETTY COLORS OF THE WORLD. 195 00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:14,287 I DATED A BLACK GUY, A KOREAN GUY, A BLACK GUY, A PUERTO RICAN 196 00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:17,957 GUY, A BLACK GUY, SOME INDIAN GUYS -- DOT AND FEATHER -- A 197 00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:21,761 BLACK GUY, A BLACK GUY -- OH, ANOTHER BLACK GUY -- DADDY WAS 198 00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:22,828 SO PISSED. 199 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,431 >> AND HOW DOES SAILOR MOON MAKE A LIVING THESE DAYS? 200 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:28,401 >> I SELL MY USED PANTIES TO OLD MEN ONLINE. 201 00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,637 >> IT'S A TRAGEDY WHEN A BELOVED ICON IS DISCARDED ON PURPOSE. 202 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:34,740 >> WE CABBAGE PATCH PEOPLE WERE ABANDONED AS SOON AS WE GREW OUT 203 00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:36,742 OF OUR CUTE BABY STAGE. 204 00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:38,611 ADOPTION, MY ASSHOLE. 205 00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:41,747 >> WITH NOBODY TO CARE FOR THEM, THE CABBAGE PATCH COMMUNITY FELL 206 00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:43,849 ON HARD TIMES. 207 00:09:43,915 --> 00:09:46,686 PERHAPS THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF ALL BEFELL CHATTY CATHY. 208 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:49,555 AFTER WITNESSING A MOB CRIME, THE MAFIA TRIED TO MAKE SURE SHE 209 00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:50,723 COULDN'T TALK. 210 00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:54,093 >> [ Mumbling ] THEY CUT OUT MY TONGUE, BUT I WOULD NOT BE 211 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,428 INTIMIDATED. 212 00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,463 I TESTIFIED ANYWAY. 213 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,831 >> OH, GOOD FOR YOU. 214 00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:02,101 >> I WISH I WAS DEAD. 215 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,837 >> LET'S NEVER AGAIN FORGET THAT THOSE GIRLS' TOYS OF YESTERYEAR 216 00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,273 SHOULD BE TREATED WITH THE DIGNITY AND RESPECT THAT THEY 217 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:07,907 DESERVE. 218 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:10,042 >> [ GASPS ] AM I DONE YET? 219 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,011 >> YOU'LL KNOW, CHATTY CATHY. 220 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,413 YOU'LL KNOW. 221 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,816 >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 222 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,951 ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 223 00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:21,087 ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 224 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:23,255 ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 225 00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:25,391 ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 226 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,593 ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ 227 00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,662 BA-GAWK! BAWK.