[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
[ UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> BLAM! BLAM!
I'M MAGNUM P.I.
♪ I WEAR HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, AND I GOT A HAIRY CHEST ♪
BLAM, PUNK!
VROOM, VROOM!
>> ALMOST TIME FOR DINNER, DEAR.
>> SHUT UP, HIGGINS!
>> PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH.
HOWDY, MAGNUM.
>> WHAT'S UP, T.C.?
>> I'M A HELICOPTER.
WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.
>> THERE'S THAT MEDDLING PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR WHO BROKE UP MY
DRUG-SMUGGLING RING.
>> UH, YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
>> SHIRT, HAT.
IT'S GOT TO BE HIM.
I'M GONNA TEACH THAT SON OF A BITCH A LESSON HE'LL NEVER
FORGET!
>> VROOM, VROOM.
>> GOTCHA, MAGNUM!
ALL RIGHT, MAGNUM.
WHO TIPPED YOU OFF?
WHO'S THE RAT IN MY ORGANIZATION?
>> I WANT MY MOMMY-Y-Y!
>> OKAY, I'M LOSING FAITH THAT THIS IS THE REAL MAGNUM.
>> WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
>> WELL, 'CAUSE THIS MAGNUM JUST CRAPPED HIMSELF.
>> WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.
YOU ALL BETTER LET MAGNUM GO, SUCKERS!
WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.
>> HOLY [BLEEP] THEY GOT A CHOPPER!
GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
>> HOLD ON!
>> OH, MY GOD!
WE RAN OVER THAT KID!
>> WHERE'S YOUR AIR SUPPORT NOW, MAGNUM?
>> I WANT TO GO HO-O-O-ME!
>> THIS IS CRAZY!
STOP THE CAR!
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET GO OF THE WHEEL.
[ EXPLOSION ] >> I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME,
MAGNUM P.I.
>> WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
>> [ WHIMPERING ] >> [ GROWLING ]
[ LAUGHS ] ONLY A SILVER BULLET CAN KILL
ME.
>> WELL.
>> UH.
NO! NO! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
STOP IT! STOP IT!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] HUH?
WHAT THE [BLEEP] OW! JESUS!
OW! OW! OW! OW!
>> [ GRUNTING ] [ FARTING SPORADICALLY ]
[ FARTING LOUDLY ] [ TOILET WATER SPLASHING ]
[ FARTING AND SPLASHING CONTINUES ]
[ FLUSHING ] >> THE BOOK SAYS HE'S STILL NOT
DEAD.
IT HAS TO BE A SILVER BULLET.
>> BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP!
>> WHOOPS!
>> DR. BRUCE BANNER -- PHYSICIAN, SCIENTIST --
SEARCHING FOR A WAY TO TAP THAT.
[ VOCALIZING HOLIDAY MUSIC ] >> THERE YOU GO, BABY.
THANKS FOR SUCKING ON MY CANDY CANE.
>> THIS IS A LOLLIPOP.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] >> [ German accent ] DID YOU GET
SANTA'S DNA?
>> AND THEN SOME.
>> DID YOU GET THE DNA OF FROSTY THE SNOWMAN?
>> UH, SURE.
SURE, I DID.
>> EXCELLENT.
WHEN I COMBINE THE DNA OF SANTA CLAUS UND
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, I CAN CREATE A HOLIDAY CALENDAR SO ALLURING,
NO CHILD ALIVE WILL EVER AGAIN FAIL TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS.
>> THAT'S NOT VERY EVIL.
>> CHRISTIANITY WILL REIGN SUPREME.
JUDAISM, HINDUISM, ISLAM, AND BUDDHISM SHALL WITHER AND DIE.
>> OH, NOW IT'S EVIL AGAIN.
[ THUNDER CRASHING ] >> YES!
YES!
OH, ALMOST FORGOT.
YES!
NOW, MY GLORIOUS CREATION, GO FORTH UND BRING CHRISTMAS TO THE
WORLD!
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> HO.
HO, HO.
HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.
LET'S START WITH YOUR GIFTS.
>> OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY!
MMM!
[ CHUCKLES ] I LO-O-VE COOKIES!
[ LAUGHS ] HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
HERE'S COMPOSITE SANTA!
>> AAH!
>> HO, HO, HO, HO!
>> OY! RIGHT IN THE MATZO BALLS.
>> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
[ CHILDREN CHEERING ] >> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
>> OH, NO.
HE'S TOTALLY MASHING MY MELLOW, MAN.
WHY?
>> BOOM SHACKA LACKA!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I FORGOT THE BATTERIES?
OH, NOTHING RUINS CHRISTMAS MORNING LIKE -- AH.
HERE WE GO.
"C" CELLS.
BOOM SHACKA LACKA!
>> AND THE GENOCIDAL VILLAIN KNOWN AS COMPOSITE SANTA CLAUS
IS CURRENTLY STANDING TRIAL BEFORE A UNITED NATIONS
TRIBUNAL.
A DEATH SENTENCE SEEMS A SLAM DUNK.
>> OKAY, OKAY, PLAN "B."
GO GET ME THE DNA OF A KOMODO DRAGON UND A LEPRECHAUN.
AH, AND...GO!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> [ BREATHING LABORIOUSLY ]
>> THIS JUST IN.
A FIVE-ALARM FIRE HAS BROKEN OUT ON THE CORNER OF 101st AND
BROADWAY.
FIREFIGHTERS ARE WORKING DILIGENTLY, BUT POLICE SAY THERE
IS A CHILD STILL TRAPPED INSIDE.
[ BEEPING ] [ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ SIRENS WAILING ] >> SOMEBODY HELP!
THERE'S A KID IN THERE!
[ HYDRAULICS WHIRRING ] >> [ TALKS INDISTINCTLY ]
I SEE YOU.
[ BREATHING LABORIOUSLY ] [ DOG WHIMPERING ]
[ GRUNTING ] [ DOG YELPS ]
>> AND JUST AS QUICKLY AS HE APPEARED, THE MYSTERY MAN
VANISHED.
JUST ANOTHER UNIDENTIFIABLE FIGURE IN A CITY OF EIGHT
MILLION.
WHOEVER YOU ARE, WE THANK YOU.
>> YEA-A-A-H.
[ BREATHES LABORIOUSLY ] >> HI!
I'M SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
>> YEAH.
YOU GOT ANY SAMOAS?
>> OH, NO, I'M SORRY.
BUT I HAVE LOTS OF TREFOILS.
>> OH.
>> AAH!
>> WITH THIS GLAIVE, I SHALL SAVE PRINCESS LYSSA AND THE
PLANET KRULL FROM THE EVIL OF THE BEAST.
UGH.
THE GLAIVE IS STUCK IN MY BACK, ISN'T IT?
>> AN ENTIRE HIT SQUAD TAKEN DOWN JUST LIKE THAT?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
>> NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
DAREDEVIL.
>> DAREDEVIL?
THAT'S JUST A MYTH.
>> OH, REALLY?
>> [ GASPS ] WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
>> OKAY, IF I'M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT, I'LL NEED A GOOD, LET'S
SAY, 20 SQUARE FEET.
THAT MEANS I SHOULD KNOCK THE THUGS OUT...
HERE, HERE, AND...
HERE.
HEY!
HOMELESS!
I'M PUTTING MY D's HERE, MY BIG FLAMIN' D's.
>> [BLEEP] YOU!
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
THAT GASOLINE IS JUST GONNA EVAPORATE.
>> YOU'VE GOT A POINT.
GIVE ME THAT STERNO.
>> HEY, I WAS GONNA EAT THAT!
HE-- [ CLANG! ]
>> OH, MY GOD!
HANNAH MONTANA, WILL YOU SIGN THE LATEST ALBUM FOR ME?!
>> OH, SURE.
WHERE IS IT?
OH, I DON'T BUY CDs ANYMORE.
SIGN MY iTUNES.
THANKS.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
OH! ONE MORE THING.
[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ] SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE.
[ CRYING ] LILLY, OLIVER.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
>> I'M CRYING BECAUSE MILEY -- >> Shh!
LILLY, WE GOT TO KEEP MILEY'S SECRET.
>> UH.
MILEY IS...
HOME WITH DIARRHEA.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, OUR MIDTERM IS
TOMORROW, SO LET'S HOPE HER STOOL TIGHTENS CONSIDERABLY.
>> OH, MILEY.
MY DARLIN' BABY GIRL.
>> OH, MR. STEWART, SUCH A SHAME ABOUT YOUR CLIENT.
WILL YOUR DAUGHTER, MILEY, BE COMING BY TO PAY HER RESPECTS?
>> [ SOBBING ] >> OH, THERE THERE.
A BIG HUG FROM YOUR DAUGHTER WILL CHEER YOU UP.
I'M SURE SHE'S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
>> OH, GOD.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LILLY.
HELP ME.
>> OLIVER, THIS FEELS WRONG.
>> HEY, WE WERE MILEY'S BEST FRIENDS.
WE GOT TO PROTECT HER SECRET AT ANY COST.
AND THAT MEANS GETTING HER TO THAT MIDTERM.
[ HORN HONKS ] >> [ GASPS ] OH, NO!
>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR DRINKS, MISS LOHAN
>> HANNAH MONTANA?
THE TABLOIDS SAID YOU WERE DEAD.
I HATE THOSE LIARS!
HA HA!
YOU NEED SOME HAIR OF THE DOG.
HEY, WAITER!
[ BLOWS AIR ] WHO DO I GOT TO [BLEEP] TO GET A
FRESH ROUND OF MINNIE'S DRIVERS OVER HERE?!
>> OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP?
UH, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE A LIMP, BLOND GIRL FLY THROUGH THE
WINDOW?
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> WHOO-HOO! YEAH!
MéNAGE à [BLEEP] >> OH, NO, SEÑORITA LOHAN.
SE PUEDE PELIGRO MI TRABAJO.
>> I'M SORRY.
HANNAH'S GOT REHEARSAL.
>> [ LAUGHS ] REHEARSAL, URKEL.
LET'S HAVE AN ADVENTURE!
YEAH! [ LAUGHS ] AA-OO-GAH!
HA!
LOOK AT ME!
I'M BANKRUPT!
[ LAUGHS ] WHOO-HOO-HOO!
[ SCREAMING ] >> UH, LINDSAY.
>> CAPTAIN LOHAN!
>> AH, WATCH OUT!
>> IT'S VILE SHARKS!
THEY WANT OUR GOLD!
[ DOLPHINS CHIRPING ] NO WAY.
HE'S A WITCH!
[ SIZZLING! ] I GOT TO DROP SOME [BLEEP] OFF
AT THE POOL.
>> LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
>> OH, WHAT SMELLS LIKE A BABY'S ASS FULL OF INDIAN FOOD?
>> NO TALKING DURING THE TEST, PEOPLE.
>> THERE SHE IS!
>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> MY DAUGHTER, MILEY, WHO IS REALLY...HANNAH MONTANA!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> OLIVER, DO SOMETHING!
>> RUN, MILEY!
RUN!
>> AND THAT'S HOW WE'LL END "HANNAH MONTANA" IF YOU EVER GET
KNOCKED UP LIKE THAT "ZOEY 101" WHORE!
GOT IT, CYRUS?
>> I WON'T, I WON'T.
I PROMISE.
[ SOBBING ] >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.