[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> Good morning, Angels.
>> All: GOOD MORNING, CHARLIE.
>> Angels, do you know what I'm not wearing?
>> All: PANTS, CHARLIE.
>> How did you know that, Angels?
>> All: IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY DAY, CHARLIE.
>> So you know what I'm gonna do next, Angels.
>> All: YES.
WE'LL WAIT, CHARLIE.
>> [ YAWNS ] [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Both: WIZZAR!
>> [ LAUGHS ] >> OH, HOW I HATE THOSE
MONCHHICHIS.
>> WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TO 'EM THIS TIME, BOSS?
>> WE SHOULD HIDE THEIR BANANAS.
>> WE SHOULD PUT GLUE ON THE FLOOR SO THEY'LL STEP IN IT!
>> NO!
NO MORE PENNY-ANTE BULL [BLEEP] TURNS OUT YOU CAN BUY THESE
ALMOST ANYWHERE.
>> OOH!
THAT'S BETTER THAN WHAT I HAD.
>> HA HA!
WE GOT YOU NOW, MONCHHICHIS.
>> NOW WHAT, YOU EVIL JERKS?
>> YOU CAN GO FREE...IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE!
>> WHAT'S IN THE WATER?
>> [ LAUGHS ] YOU'LL SOON FIND OUT.
[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] >> Wizzar, use your magic.
>> MY MAGIC'S NO MATCH FOR GETTING SHOT THROUGH THE BACK OF
THE HEAD, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.
[ LAUGHS ] >> HEY, WHERE'S MONCHO?
>> [ GROWLS ] >> RUN AWAY!
>> I JUST WANTED TO PUT GLUE -- UGH!
>> YOU MOTHER [BLEEP] MONCHHICHI!
I TASTE APPLESAUCE.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING TASTE LIKE -- UGH!
>> WELL, LET'S WALK OUT OF HERE.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU FIRST.
>> WAIT!
>> UH, OKAY.
I GUESS THAT WAY IS SAFE, THEN.
>> STOP!
NOBODY MOVE!
>> [ SLURPS ] >> WAIT!
STOP!
>> [ CHATTERS ] >> GONKER!
>> [ CHATTER! CHATTER! ] >> WIZZAR, I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT
OF THERE, MAN!
>> NO!
IF I'M GONNA DIE, IT'S GOING TO BE ON MY TERMS!
[ ZAP! ] [ SPLAT! ]
>> N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
>> HI.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> MONCHO.
>> THANKS FOR TAKING US DOWN THE RIVER.
NO ONE ELSE WOULD.
>> YOU WANT MY ADVICE?
GO HOME.
>> BUT WE'RE MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
>> [BLEEP] THE WORLD.
>> I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'VE GOT PROSTATE CANCER.
>> WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
>> WELL, AS PART OF THE TREATMENT, YOU ARE IN FOR A LOT
OF ASS PLAY.
I MEAN, SO, IF YOU'RE INTO THAT, JACKPOT!
[ ALL SCREAMING ] >> MY FRIENDS!
MY FRIENDS!
OH, GOD, WHY DID I SURVIVE AND THEY DIDN'T?
OH-HO!
OH, MY FACE.
OH, YOU'RE SICK!
THIS IS A MADHOUSE!
THIS IS A MADHOUSE!!
>> CLASS, PROFESSOR SNAPE SUFFERED A MINOR...POTION
ACCIDENT...
[ BOING! ] >> NOT THE DESIRED EFFECT.
>> ...SO PLEASE WELCOME YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER ALL THE WAY
FROM LAS VEGAS, THE PHENOMENON HIMSELF -- CRISS ANGEL!
>> HELLO, YOUNG MAGICIANS.
ARE YOU READY TO GET MINDFREAKED?!
MAGIC IS VERY SIMPLE WHEN YOU BALANCE YOUR MIND, BODY, AND
SPIRIT RIGHT ON THE RAZOR'S EDGE.
>> YES, BUT, SIR, WILL WE BE GOING OVER THE ANSWERS TO
YESTERDAY'S HOMEWORK?
>> HERE'S THE ONLY ANSWER YOU NEED, LITTLE LADY.
THERE ARE NO ANSWERS!
>> THAT TEXTBOOK WAS 65 POUNDS!
>> I'M SURE IT DIDN'T WEIGH ANYWHERE NEAR THAT MUCH.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ] MINDFREAK!
[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ AIR WHOOSHING ]
NOW, HOW'D I DO IT?
>> YOU USED A WIRE.
>> WIRE!
>> THERE'S A WIRE AND A PULLEY.
I SEE IT.
[ SQUEAKS ] >> WRONG.
I MERELY FREAKED YOUR MIND!
[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] FIELD TRIP.
>> WHERE DID TEACHER GO?
[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ HORSE NEIGHS ]
>> MINDFREAK!
THAT'S RIGHT, STUDENTS.
WHEN YOU NO LONGER FEAR THE EXTREME, YOU, TOO, CAN TAME
MYTHICAL BEASTS.
>> THAT'S NOT A UNICORN.
>> THAT'S LITERALLY A PONY YOU PAINTED WHITE.
>> YOU CLEARLY JUST HOT-GLUED THE HORN TO ITS HEAD.
>> IS THAT HOUSE PAINT?
>> IT'S A UNICORN.
UNICORNS EXIST. THEY'RE REAL.
>> WE KNOW THEY'RE REAL.
THERE'S ONE RIGHT OVER THERE.
>> OH, MAN, KIDS, I TOTALLY NEED THAT UNICORN FOR MY STAGE SHOW
AT THE LUXOR LAS VEGAS.
>> UNICORNS BELONG IN THE WILD.
>> I CAN SEE YOUR MINDS ARE NOT FULLY [CRASH!]
NOW, WATCH AS I TAME MYTH ITSELF!
OHH! AAH!!
>> THAT WAS THOROUGHLY UNENJOYABLE.
>> STUPID MUGGLE.
>> MINDFREAK!
>> SUGAR, SPICE, EVERYTHING NICE, AND COCAINE -- THE RECIPE
FOR PERFECT LITTLE GIRLS WHO FLIP THE [BLEEP] OUT!
[ BOING! BOING! BOING! ] >> [ UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ALL CHEER ] [ POP! ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] >> GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK,
CLEBORB.
IT'S A LONG, LONG TRIP HOME.
HOPE YOU CAN FIND A WAY TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF.
[ POP! ] >> FREDDY, WHY DON'T YOU WEAR
THAT NICE SWEATER CATHERINE GOT YOU FOR FATHER'S DAY?
>> I'M NOT REALLY A SWEATER GUY.
>> OH, POO!
SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU WEARING HER GIFT.
>> BUT IT'S ITCHY.
>> AND, DADDY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I GOT IT?
>> NO, HONEY.
>> THE SCHOOL BAZAAR.
>> THAT'S NICE, HONEY.
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE, DADDY?
I ALSO BOUGHT YOU A HAT.
>> OH, THAT'S GREAT, DARLING.
>> CAN YOU WEAR IT NOW?
>> WELL, FEDORAS DON'T REALLY GO WITH SWEATERS, SWEETIE.
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> NO, THEY DON'T.
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> NO, THEY DON'T.
[BLEEP]!
WHAT IS THIS MADE OF -- PUBES?!
I CAN'T STOP SCRATCHING THIS [BLEEP] SWEATER!
>> [ Crying ] DADDY DOESN'T LIKE HIS GIFTS!
>> I'M -- I'M SORRY, HONEY.
DADDY LOVES HIS GIFTS.
[BLEEP] ITCHY SWEATER.
[BLEEP] STUPID SCHOOL BAZAAR.
OHHH!
OH, MARY.
THAT'S THE STUFF!
>> HI, DADDY.
>> HI, HONEY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I GOT YOU?
>> NO, HONEY. WHAT?
>> A TIE!
>> WOW!
THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
>> CAN YOU WEAR IT NOW?
>> TIES DEFINITELY DON'T GO WITH SWEATERS, SWEETHEART.
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> NO, THEY DON'T.
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SHOPPING AT SCHOOL!
NO MORE HATS, NO MORE SWEATERS, NO MORE SCHOOL BAZAAR!
[ ALL GASP ] NO MORE CRAPPY GIFTS!
>> OH, MY GOD!
THAT MAN IS ATTACKING OUR CHILDREN!
>> WHAT?
NO, NO, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
IT'S THE GIFTS THAT I HATE.
>> CHILD ABUSER!
[ ALL SHOUT ] >> WAIT, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
IT'S AN ITCHY SWEATER!
>> FREDDY KRUEGER!
WE HAVE SEARCHED THE MORTAL WORLD FOR THE ANGRIEST SOUL.
WE OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO BE FOR ALL ETERNITY!
>> AW, HELL, IF IT GETS ME OUT OF THIS MESS, I'LL TAKE IT.
JUST LET ME TAKE OFF THIS ITCHY SWEATER.
>> IT IS DONE!
>> WHAT?!
NOT WITH THE SWEATER AND THE FEDORA.
AW, CO-- OHH!
B-- WELL, AT LEAST I GOT MY COMPLEXION.
>> [ ROARING ] [ GUNFIRE ]
[ GRUNTS ] [ ENGINE PUT-PUTTING ]
>> AND NOW BACK TO "LIVING LOHAN."
>> ALI, WHO DRANK ALL THE [BLEEP] ORANGE JUICE?
>> [ Slurring ] I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
MAYBE THE [BLEEP] ORANGE-JUICE FAIRY DID IT!
>> DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!
>> DON'T YOU BE A BIG RAGING BITCH FACE!
>> Both: I NEED A CIGARETTE!
>> UGH! WHY ARE ALL THESE CAMERAS ALWAYS INVADING MY
PRIVACY?!
>> SORRY, COBRA COMMANDER, BUT YOUR WEATHER COMBINATOR,
CURRENTLY STUCK ON RAIN, APPARENTLY, IS NO MATCH FOR THE
NINJA SKILLS OF SNAKE-EYES!
OOPS -- SUPPOSED TO BE ME.
>> [ LAUGHS ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> THAT IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS, CIVILIAN.
IDENTIFY YOURSELF AT ONCE!
PREFERABLY WITH A CLIPABLE, SAVEABLE FILE CARD.
>> I'M ALI. DUH!
MY MOM AND I JUST MOVED INTO YOUR CRAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD TO
SHOOT OUR TV SHOW.
IT'S CALLED "LIVING LOHAN."
>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE SMOKING?
>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE FAT TO BE FAT?
KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?
YOU LOVE FOOD.
>> HONEY, WERE YOU TALKING TO THE NEW NEIGHBOR?
I THINK THEIR DOG'S BEEN POOPING IN OUR YARD.
>> WHAT? OHH!
POOP.
>> GO TO HELL, MOM!
I TOLD YOU -- I'M NOT GONNA BE ON YOUR SHOW!
IT'S DEMEANING TO MY CAREER.
I'M GONNA TRY THAT AGAIN WITH LIKE 10% MORE CONVICTION, OR
POSSIBLY 1,000%!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] WHO IN GOD'S GREEN SMURF ARE
YOU?!
>> MADAM, DOES IT LOOK LIKE MY NAME IS TRIPWIRE?
BECAUSE AS I AM NOT THE G.I. JOE MINESWEEPER, I WOULD APPRECIATE
IT IF YOUR DOG DIDN'T LEAVE CHOCOLATE LAND MINES ALL OVER MY
YARD!
>> OKAY, NOTHING YOU SAID MEANT ANYTHING!
>> DON'T LET YOUR DOG GO POOPY!
>> OHH.
OHH!
[ LAUGHS ] ♪ BA DA DA DUM-DUM ♪
[ LAUGHS ] NICE DUMP.
AHH!
I'M JUST FERMALIZING THE LAWN.
AAH!
[ FARTS ] BAD DOG!
[ LAUGHS ] >> FIRE BOLT!
FIRE BOLT!
>> FREEZE ARROW!
FREEZE ARROW!
>> ORC! ORC! ORC!
I'M AN ORC!
>> GARY'S GOT TO SAY -- NOT BUYING THIS AT ALL, SO...
>> BEEP! BEEP!
HONK! HONK!
I'M HERBIE!
>> HEY!
>> LOUD HORN.
[BLEEP] YOU!
GOOD JOB, HERBIE.
>> UH, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE SAVAGERY MEETS SORCERY.
THERE IS NO HERBIE.
>> HERBIE IS MAGIC!
IDIOT!
>> ORC!
>> AAH!
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FOLLOWING ME?!
Follow me.
>> AND IN THIS CORNER, IT'S MUNSON!
>> GET OUT OF HERE, MUNSON!
>> MUNSON -- 1, GAY CRAB -- 0.
>> STOP IT, MUNSON!
OH, HOW I HATE YOU!
>> BEEP! BEEP!
[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OOH -- A BAD BOY.
>> OH, A DAMAGED CHICK WITH DADDY ISSUES.
>> OW!
>> HEY, BABY.
I'VE GOT A SCION.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HOPE IT MEANS "PENIS"!
>> TOO BAD, MOM!
I LOVE HIM!
AND I'M PREGNANT!
>> WELL, SO AM I.
>> OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOUR BABY'S GONNA HAVE COBWEBS ON IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL
OLD, AND INSIDE, YOUR NODARIES ARE ALL SPONGED UP AND DUSTY!
>> [BLEEP] YOU!
>> WHY DIDN'T ANYONE PICK ME UP AFTER MY [BLEEP] ULTRASOUND?
>> [ SIGHS ] LOOKS LIKE I'M MOVING AGAIN.
>> I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.