[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> [ HUMMING ] UGH! OH!
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!
I'M MELTING!
MELTING!
>> SORRY, GUYS. WE'RE FULL UP.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OH, COME ON!
[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ COMPUTER BEEPING ]
[ ENGINE REVS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ ENGINE REVS ] >> UGH!
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] >> OH, GLASS.
DAMN IT!
[ GRUNTING ] UGH!
[ CLANG! ] [ PANTING ]
[ GRUNTS ] UGH!
>> YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
>> SCANDAL!
WORLD WILDLIFE FUND MANAGERS DISCOVERED TODAY THE FUND HAS
BEEN COMPLETELY EMPTIED.
WHERE DID THE MONEY?
ACCOUNTANTS ARE STRUGGLING TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ] >> [ GASPS ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ] [ CHIMPS CHATTERING ]
[ CHIMP SHRIEKS ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> $45,000 GOING ONCE, $45,000 GOING TWICE, AND SOLD TO THE
BIDDER IN THE REAR!
[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] >> OH, MY GOD!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CHIMPS SHRIEKING ] >> THERE YOU GO, BILL GATES.
>> OKAY, BILL GATES, THE KIDS FROM NSYNC, RICHARD BRANSON, AND
WHAT I GUESS IS MICHAEL JACKSON ARE ALREADY ABOARD THE WORLD'S
FIRST SPACE BILLIONAIRES FLIGHT.
ANYONE MISSING?
>> UM...THE CHINESE GUY, LING-LING.
OH, THIS MUST BE HIM.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ PEOPLE CHEERING ] >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
>> COME ON. TRY.
>> AHOY. THAR BE BOOBIES.
>> YOU'RE RUINING IT!
I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, LIKE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW.
>> I THOUGHT THAT CHARACTER WAS A CHICK.
>> THIS IS MY FANTASY.
TRY TO BE REALISTIC.
[ HARP PLAYS ] >> [ Cockney accent ] ARE YOU
READY TO BE RAVAGED, ME LADY?
>> IT IS QUITE HUMID SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR, MY CAPTAIN.
>> OH, OH, DON'T MIND THE LITTLE STOWAWAYS, MY DARLING.
>> EW. LICE?
>> NO PANTENE ON THE SEVEN SEAS!
>> [ SPITS ] OH, MY GOD!
>> I'VE BEEN BRUSHING MY TEETH WITH RUM AND BRINE FOR CLOSE TO
20 YEARS, MY LITTLE SIREN.
PAY IT NO MIND.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THIS.
>> THEN I SHOULD WARN YOU.
I HAVEN'T A MEMORY OF ME LAST WASH.
YOU MIGHT FIND MY BALLS HAVE THE SCENT OF VINEGAR FERMENTING IN
FETA CHEESE.
>> UGH! OH!
I C-- I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
>> WAIT, MY DEAR.
IT'S HARD TO GIVE CHASE, WHAT WITH THE HORRIFIC AND
DEBILITATING RICKETS THAT AFFECTED OCEAN-BOUND TRAVELERS
OF THAT TIME!
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SERIOUS, THEN WE'RE NOT GONNA DO
IT.
>> [ Normal voice ] WHAT?!
YOU SAID BE REALISTIC!
>> SIR, THE WHOLE BOAT IS RIGGED TO EXPLODE.
AND I FOUND THIS.
>> GREETINGS FROM THE JOKER!
WHY SO SERIOUS?
ANYWAY, WE HAVE A BOAT OF CIVILIANS AND A BOAT OF PRISON
INMATES.
I WILL BLOW UP BOTH BOATS AT MIDNIGHT!
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> HOWEVER, EACH BOAT HAS A DETONATOR THAT WILL BLOW UP THE
OPPOSITE BOAT.
IF ONE BOAT DECIDES TO BLOW UP THE OTHER BOAT PRIOR TO
MIDNIGHT, I WILL NOT BLOW UP THE BOAT THAT BLOWS UP THE OTHER
BOAT.
IT'S QUITE THE MORAL QUANDARY, IS IT NOT?
>> T-THEN LET'S VOTE ON NEITHER BOAT BLOWING UP.
>> NO, HE SAYS WE DECIDE!
>> THEN I DECIDE NEITHER BOAT BLOWS UP!
>> WAIT, WAIT. SO WE VOTE?
>> NO, WE -- WE JUST PRESS THE BUTTON, I THINK.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
WHAT DOES THIS PROVE EXACTLY?
>> UH, MR. JOKER, SIR?
WE CAME TO A CONSENSUS.
WE VOTE THAT NEITHER BOAT SHOULD BLOW UP.
>> YEAH!
>> VERY GOOD.
>> THAT'S MY VOTE.
>> THAT'S NOT A CHOICE!
>> UH, YOU BETTER EXPLAIN IT AGAIN, THEN, I GUESS.
>> [ SIGHS ] I WILL BLOW UP BOTH THE BOATS.
>> MY GOD!
>> UNLESS -- UNLESS ONE BOAT BLOWS UP THE OTHER BOAT FIRST.
>> UH, W-WHAT ARE THE OTHER OPTIONS?
>> THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.
>> ASK HIM WHEN BOTH BOATS BLOW UP.
>> MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
>> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, THAT GIVES US A GOOD 15 MINUTES.
EVERYONE INTO THE LIFEBOATS.
>> NO! NO LIFEBOATS!
I SAID THAT YOU COULDN'T USE THEM!
>> YOU NEVER SAID THAT!
>> I DID!
WAY BACK IN THE BEGINNING!
>> YOU'D BETTER GO OVER THE RULES AGAIN.
>> OH, FOR -- IT'S A CATCH-22!
LOOK, THERE ARE TWO BOATS!
AT MIDNIGHT -- >> GOOD DAY, SIR.
>> AND GOOD DAY TO YOU.
>> YES. LET'S BEGIN.
>> Both: HA!
[ BIRDS' WINGS FLAPPING ] >> UH...
>> HMM...
>> OH.
[ BOTH MUTTERING ] >> Both: HA!
>> DAMN IT!
[ BOTH MUTTERING ] >> THE MECHANISM.
>> Both: HA!
>> [ GRUNTS ] >> [ GRUNTS ]
>> [ PANTING ] [ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, UH...
GOOD EFFORT, SIR.
>> WELL DONE. WELL DONE.
>> [ LAUGHS ] NOBODY CAN STOP ME!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!
>> WON'T ANYONE SAVE US?!
[ GASPS ] DR. MANHATTAN!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] [ ZAP! ]
>> YOU ARE SAFE NOW.
>> MM! THANKS!
[ LAUGHS ] OOH. YEAH.
>> SAFE NOW.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] >> HELLO?!
TeenDream94?
YOU HERE?
>> WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT, MR. GOLDSCHMIDT?
>> WHAT -- WHO ARE YOU?
>> CHRIS HANSEN, "DATELINE NBC."
>> OH.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
WHERE'S TeenDream94?
>> THERE IS NO TeenDream94.
IT WAS A STING OPERATION.
>> WHAT THE HELL?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
I TOOK A DAY OFF OF WORK FOR THIS!
AND I BLEW, LIKE, HALF A TANK OF GAS DRIVING OVER HERE!
YOU IDIOTS BETTER REIMBURSE ME!
>> WHAT?
Y-YOU MUST BE JOKING.
>> I'M A LAWYER, PAL!
I'M SUING YOU FOR FRAUD!
BY THE TIME I'M DONE, I'M GONNA OWN NBC UNIVERSAL!
>> IN THE CASE OF GOLDSCHMIDT vs. HANSEN, NBC NEWS, AND
NBC UNIVERSAL, JURY FINDS IN FAVOR OF THE PREDATOR.
>> WHAT?!
[ HORN HONKS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> HEY, HANSEN!
LIKE THE NEW RIDE?
>> THAT'S MY ESCALADE!
>> HI, DAD!
>> BOBBY?!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
>> JUST GIVING YOUR TEENAGE SON A LIFT TO SOCCER PRACTICE.
WE'LL PROBABLY TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME.
DON'T WAIT UP!
[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> [ SCREAMS ]
>> AS YOU KNOW, I'M NOW MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER OF NBC UNIVERSAL.
THAT MEANS A CHANGE IN PHILOSOPHY.
LET'S SEE SOME PREDATOR-FRIENDLY PROGRAMMING.
ON "FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS," WE'RE GONNA BE SPENDING A LOT MORE
TIME IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
A LOT MORE TIME!
>> I'VE GOT FOUR WORDS FOR YOU, MR. GOLDSCHMIDT -- SWEATY...
TEEN....
BOY...
OLYMPICS.
>> "LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT" WILL NOW
BE MORE OF A COMEDY.
[ BUZZ ] >> SORRY, I'M NEEDED IN THE
INTERN HAREM.
LET'S RECONVENE IN 30.
>> I REALLY DON'T LIKE WORKING HERE ANYMORE.
>> I DO!
I'M THE EXECUTIVE WHO SECRETLY KNOCKED UP JAMIE LYNN.
BEST JOB EVER!
[ TOILET FLUSHES ] >> HEY. HERE WE GO.
>> BAD NEWS, FELLOW ADVENTURERS.
BARRY HAS BAILED.
>> BUT BARRY IS OUR DUNGEON MASTER!
WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT?!
>> HE SAID HE HAS A DATE.
[ LAUGHS ] AS IF!
I MEAN, WHO WOULD DATE BARRY?!
>> BACK TO "A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA."
>> CHOOSE ME, TILA.
CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!
CHOOSE ME!
>> THIS IS MY BIG CHANCE.
LUCKILY I HAVE BEEN SAVING AN ADVENTURE -- A MASTERPIECE
MONTHS IN THE DESIGN AND PLANNING -- FOR JUST SUCH AN
OCCASION!
>> [ GASPS ] AWESOME!
>> HERE GOES.
"YOU FIND YOURSELVES IN A DARK, MYSTERIOUS DUNGEON!"
>> OH, REAL ORIGINAL.
LET ME GUESS.
THERE'S ALSO A DRAGON IN THERE?
>> UH! UH, OF COURSE NOT!
NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
A DRAGON?
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS YOU FIND YOURSELVES IN A DARK,
MYSTERIOUS, UH, MEGA DUNGEON!
>> WHAT?!
>> NO WAY!
>> FOR THIS ADVENTURE, I SELECT MY ELVEN SPELLTHIEF.
WAIT!
MY ELVEN BODYBUILDER SPELLTHIEF!
>> I CHOOSE MY GOBLIN FASHION MODEL.
SHE HAS A RECORDING CONTRACT AND A RECURRING ROLE IN A GOBLIN
PRIME-TIME DRAMA.
>> ARE THOSE BOOBS REAL OR AN ELABORATE ILLUSION SPELL?
TO FIND OUT, I ROLL FOR "GROPE"!
OOH, 11, A VERY SEXY NUMBER.
[ LAUGHS ] >> I CAST "TESTICULAR RUPTURE!"
>> OHH! FIRE CROTCH!
>> YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A GRUE!
[ GRUE ROARS ] >> I FIRE AN ARROW!
>> ARROWS ARE NO GOOD AGAINST HIS LEATHERY HIDE!
>> NO! NO!
>> YEAH, BABY!
INTRODUCING KING KICKASS!
♪ EVERYONE WHO PLAYS THIS QUEER GAME HAS TWO VAGINAS ♪
♪ YEAH ♪ THREE, TWO, ONE, AWESOME!
[ ZAP! ] >> GET OUT OF HERE, MUNSON!
>> YOUR ELF APPEARS TO HAVE POPPED A BONER WHEN HE WITNESSED
THE ABS OF KING KICKASS!
>> HE DID NOT!
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY!
>> ACTUALLY, HIS CHARACTER SHEET APPEARS TO BE IN ORDER.
>> UM, WELL, WE DO NEED ANOTHER PLAYER.
>> UGH!
[ PANTING ] FINE!
>> YOU NOW ENTER THE INNER SANCTUM!
YOUR GOAL IS FINALLY IN SIGHT -- A TREASURE CHEST!
>> PBHT, PREDICTABLE.
>> HOWEVER, THE TREASURE CHEST IS GUARDED BY AN OWLBEAR!
IT COMMANDS AN ARMY OF MONKEYBEES!
HMM, SHAKING THE DUST OFF A FEW RELICS, I SEE.
SORRY, DUNGEON MASTER, BUT THOSE RIDICULOUS BEES CAN'T MATCH UP
TO A TEAM OF, UH...
UH -- [ OWLBEAR ROARING ]
WHERE DID STACEY AND MUNSON GO?!
>> MUNSON SAID SOMETHING ABOUT BANGING FINGERS IN YOUR PARENTS'
BEDROOM.
SHALL WE WATCH "TILA TEQUILA"?
>> YES. WANT TO BORROW A SOCK?
>> YES.
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.