[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> AND NOW THE SECRET ORIGIN OF MO-LARR, ETERNIAN DENTIST!
MOE LARRSTEIN WAS JUST AN AVERAGE CITIZEN UNTIL, ONE
FATEFUL DAY...
[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ] ...THE DAY HE TOOK HIS S.A.T.s!
[ DING! ] WITH A MATH SCORE OF 520, THE
UNIVERSITY OF ETERNIA WAS MARGINALLY IMPRESSED.
ACCEPTANCE!
NOW THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO -- APPLY FOR A
STUDENT LOAN!
AN UNSUBSIDIZED LOAN WAS AVAILABLE AT A RATE OF 6.8%.
BUT IN THE MOST DRAMATIC TWIST YET, MOE QUALIFIED FOR A
SUBSIDIZED FEDERAL LOAN AT A RATE OF 5.6%!
MOE SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT HIS STUDENT LOAN WAS TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.
HIS DEDUCTION COULD BE CLAIMED WHETHER OR NOT HE ITEMIZED SAID
DEDUCTIONS, AS LONG AS HE USED THE PROCEEDS FROM THE LOANS FOR
QUALIFIED EDUCATION EXPENSES, SUCH AS ROOM, BOARD, TUITION,
FEES, BOOKS, AND OTHER SUPPLIES.
HIS DEDUCTIONS WERE VALID, BUT ONLY IF HE ATTENDED CLASSES AT
LEAST PART-TIME IN A RECOGNIZED AND ACCREDITED PROGRAM!
WHEN WE RETURN, LEARN WHICH OF MO-LARR'S CREDITS TRANSFERRED TO
HIS NEW SCHOOL.
THE ANSWERS WILL SHOCK YOU.
>> AND I'M ALSO A CLIENT.
>> AND NOW A SNEAK PEEK AT "TRANSFORMERS 3."
>> CAREFUL, SAM.
IF MEGATRON GETS THE ALLSPARK, HE WILL RULE THE ENTIRE
UNIVERSE.
OR IT MIGHT KILL HIM AND THEN POSSIBLY RAISE HIM FROM THE
DEAD.
FRANKLY, SAM, I DON'T [BLEEP] KNOW WHAT THE ALLSPARK DOES.
>> STARTS FRIDAY.
>> SO, AFTER YOU DISCARDED THE OFFICIAL MASSACHUSETTS
CURRICULUM, WHAT DID YOU TEACH YOUR SCIENCE CLASS?
>> WELL, I SIMPLY TOLD MY STUDENTS THAT WHEN YOU STUDY HOW
THE PIECES OF OUR WORLD FIT TOGETHER, IT'S OBVIOUS IT WAS
MADE BY A HIGHER CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE.
[ JURORS BOOING ] >> HE'S A MONSTER!
>> NO, PLEASE!
I DON'T WANT THIS!
AAH!
>> NOW RUB IT IN.
RUB IT IN ALL OVER.
>> [ CRYING ] >> OH, YEAH.
THAT'S THE STUFF.
OH, YEAH, I SMELL IT.
I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, IF I PUNCTURE YOU, YOU'RE GONNA OOZE JUICES.
>> AND NOW A SNEAK PEEK AT "TRANSFORMERS 3."
>> YO, DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY TEDDY BEAR?
>> YEAH, MY MOM SAID IT WAS DIRTY.
SHE WAS CLEANING IT.
>> DUDE, I HAD A BAG OF ANGEL DUST IN THERE!
>> OH, NO!
>> [ MUNCHING ] >> NO, MOM!
>> BARGAIN GRAVY STARLIGHT PUMPKIN DOLLARS!
>> MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!
MOM, YOU ARE TALKING CRAZY.
>> AAAAAAAAAH!
>> MOM!
>> UNH!
>> STARTS FRIDAY.
>> WELL, I'D LIKE TO DO THAT, BUT IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION,
YOU KNOW.
>> [ OINKS, SCOFFS ] >> RAAAAAH!
OH! YOU MUST BE HERE FOR THE -- >> RAAAAAAAAH!
HEY, FEEL FREE TO LOOK AROUND AND --
>> IF YOU NEED ANY HELP CARRYING THE --
[ FLAMES WHOOSH ] >> WHO DARES DISTURB THE SLUMBER
OF THE ANCIENTS?!
PREPARE TO BE -- OH!
YOU WANT THAT.
OH, HEAVENS, YES.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
IN FACT, IF YOU'D LIKE -- NO WAY!
TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST -- OH, THAT IS --
THAT'S JUST SPITEFUL IS WHAT THAT IS!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
[BLEEP] YOU, ALL RIGHT?
JUST [BLEEP] YOU!
>> HELLO, GOVERNOR!
READY FOR A NEW SEASON OF TRACEY ULLMAN'S
"STATE OF THE UNION"?
I CAN DO IMPRESSIONS!
"I AM A JEW."
"HEY! I'M A CABBIE!" "I'M AN ANGRY LADY!"
IT'S WONDERFUL!
[ Slow-motion ] I CREATED "THE SIMPSONS," SORT OF.
>> THIS SUMMER, PREPARE YOURSELF TO FEEL...
WITH TOBEY MAGUIRE...
>> I LOVE YOU, MOM.
>> ...AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
>> I ALSO LOVE YOU, MOTHER.
GENE SHALIT SAYS...
>> I MISS HER.
>> LEONARD MALTIN SAYS...
>> I ALSO MISS HER.
>> VIGGO MORTENSEN IN "CARLITO'S WAY" SAYS...
DON'T MISS...
>> AND NOW A SNEAK PEEK AT "TRANSFORMERS 3."
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] >> [ Indian accent ] HELLO.
CUSTOMER SUPPORT.
>> [ Indian accent ] WHERE IS THE NEAREST DELI?
>> YOU MEAN AN OLD DELI OR A "NEW DELI"?
>> THANK YOU! COME AGAIN!
>> WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?!
[ BOLLYWOOD-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> STARTS FRIDAY.
>> MUCH APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME STAY HERE, SON.
I'M SURE THE BANK JUST HAD SOME KIND OF COMPUTER SNAFU.
YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
I'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.
>> IF SKELETOR'S ARMY MANAGES TO BREACH THE --
>> ADAM! HEY, CHECK IT OUT -- CHEESE AND CRACKERS.
I CALL 'EM "CHACKERS."
WHO WANTS SOME CHACKERS?
OH, THE TOWEL.
WELL, ME AND CHACKERS HERE GET A LITTLE CRUMBY WATCHING MY
STORIES.
AH, YOU GUYS ARE WORKING.
I'LL BE IN THE DEN.
>> I HAVE THE POWER!
>> BUT DO YOU HAVE THE REMOTE?
HA HA!
I WAS JUST JOKING.
I THOUGHT IT'D BE, YOU KNOW...
ANYWAY, YOU'RE BUSY.
>> [ ROARING ] >> HEY, ADAM!
I CAN'T FIND DISCOVERY CHANNEL FOR THE LIFE OF ME.
DO WE EVEN GET THAT?
IT'S SHARK WEEK!
♪ BUM, BUM, BA ♪ LOVE ME SOME SHARK WEEK.
NEVER MISSED IT.
TRUE STORY.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU THINK OF THE CHANNEL, GIVE ME A LITTLE
SHOUTY-SHOUT.
BACK TO WORK.
>> [ SIGHS ] SACK WHACK!
I'M SURE YOU'LL BE HAPPY HERE, DAD.
>> SO, THIS IS ME PLACING AN ORDER FOR SOME SPICY NACHOS,
SOME GUACAMOLE -- WOULDN'T MIND THAT ON THE SIDE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, THE MILD KIND, 'CAUSE --
>> YOU'LL OBSERVE "LIGHTS OUT," OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR LIGHTS OUT.
TAKE THAT IN.
[ DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS ] >> [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ SOBBING ] >> THIS MIGHT HURT A BIT.
>> I DOUBT IT.
[ SHUDDERS ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
ONCE I TRANSFER MY CONSCIOUSNESS INTO A SMURF BODY, I'LL
INFILTRATE THEIR VILLAGE AND DESTROY THEM ALL.
>> MEOW?
>> WILL I WHAT?
>> MEOW?
>> WILL I [BLEEP] THEM BEFORE I EAT THEM?
>> MEOW, MEOW.
>> OH, COOK!
WILL I COOK THEM BEFORE I EAT THEM?
[ BOTH LAUGH ] 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH..."
I MEAN, YOU WERE ALMOST LOOKING FOR A NEW APARTMENT, MAN.
SERIOUSLY.
[ BEEPING ] >> AH, DAMN. LOST ALREADY.
[ WOLF HOWLS ] WHAT IS THAT?!
A WOLF?! A FOX?!
SOME OTHER "PARTY OF FIVE" ACTOR?!
AND IT'S OUT OF HERE!
[ IMITATES CROWD CHEERING ] YES, NOW, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, TERRIFIED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE BLURRING OUT.
SMURFS DON'T HAVE NIPPLES.
[ POP! ] NOT AROUSING.
>> A NEW SMURF?
MOST UNUSUAL.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, OUTSIDER?
>> GARGAM-- GARGA-- UH...
GARGLE SMURF.
>> OH, REALLY?
WELL, TELL ME -- HOW DID YOU SMURF THAT NAME?
>> IF YOU'RE ASKING WHETHER I WILL GARGLE YOUR BALLS, SIR, THE
ANSWER IS NO.
>> WHA-- MOI?
THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT AT ALL.
>> MORE LIKE CLOSET SMURF!
>> THEN IT'S SETTLED.
GARGLE SMURF MUST PASS OUR TESTS TO BECOME A MEMBER OF OUR
VILLAGE.
[ ALL CHEERING ] AND VANITY'S GAY.
[ ALL CHEERING ] >> "SMURF" IS NOT ONLY A NOUN
BUT ALSO A VERB, ADJECTIVE, ADSMURF, AND A DANGLING
PARTISMURFLE.
NOW YOU TRY.
>> UH, THE SMURF...
>> YES.
>> ...SMURFED...
>> MM-HMM.
>> ...IN A VERY SMURFY...
>> MM.
>> ...SMURF.
>> IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING!
>> NOW YOU MUST TAME YOUR VERY OWN SMURF-EATING BIRD.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY "SMURF-EATING?"
>> Both: SHUT UP!
[ ZING! ] [ BIRD ROARS ]
>> YOU CAN DO IT, GARGLE!
>> I SMURFED IT!
I SMURFED IT!
AAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
IT'S TRYING TO FEED ME TO ITS YOUNG.
[ GRUNTING ] [ BONES CRACKING ]
YEAH, YOU WON'T GET ME.
[ ALL CHEERING ] >> I'M SO PROUD!
YOUR BIRD ACCEPTED YOU AS ONE OF ITS VERY OWN CHILDREN.
DID YOU BOND WITH YOUR NEW BROTHERS AND SISTERS?
>> I SURE DID.
>> ♪ CHUM, YUM YUM ♪ ♪ CHUM YUM ♪
♪ CHUM, YUM YUM ♪ >> SMURFETTE, I HAVE A
CONFESSION.
>> A WHAT?
>> A SMURFESSION.
>> OH, MY.
>> I'M NOT REALLY GARGLE SMURF.
I'M -- I'M GARGAMEL.
[ RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES ] [ SMURFS HISSING ]
WAIT, WAIT!
I SEE HOW WRONG I WAS ALL THESE YEARS!
>> LET'S HEAR HIM OUT!
>> HEAR HIM OUT?
HE ATE FARMER SMURF LAST YEAR!
>> IN MY OTHER BODY, I WAS BITTER AND OLD, BUT HERE, I'VE
LEARNED WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE.
>> All: AWWWWWW!
>> CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEARTS...TO LOVE ME?
>> All: AWWWW!
>> PEOPLE, HE BEAT CLUMSY TO DEATH WITH A PIPE!
>> OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GREAT SMURF.
>> SMURFETTE, I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I BELONG!
NO ONE'S EVER DEPENDED ON ME BEFORE.
[ FLIES BUZZING ] [ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] >> HEY, SON!
HEY...
I DON'T LIKE IT HERE.
I, UH...WANT TO COME HOME.
>> DAD...
>> NO, NO, NO, BEFORE YOU GO ON, LOOK, I KNOW I MESSED UP, BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- A MAN'S HOME IS HIS CASTLE, AND,
UH, WELL, ADAM, MY CASTLE'S FILLED WITH DEATH AND URINE.
SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CAN DEAR OLD DAD GET HIS OLD ROOM BACK? HUH?
I MEAN, LOOK, I'LL -- I'LL GIVE UP THE "PUTTING MY FEET ON THE
TABLE," I'LL TELL CHACKERS TO TAKE A HIKE.
YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FELL OFF THE STRUCTURE AND YOU HAD THOSE
STITCHES, AND -- AND I RAN YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
HMM?
OKAY, GUILTY.
THAT WAS "KRAMER vs. KRAMER," BUT WE SAW IT TOGETHER.
OKAY, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.
♪ THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND YOUR DAD IS SCARED ♪
OKAY?
ARE YOU THERE?
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE WORKING.
ARE YOU?
YEAH, YOU'RE WORKING.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE US A JINGLE BACK IF YOU GET A CHANCE.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, ADAM.
THIS IS YOUR DAD.