[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> YOU TAKE THE BLUE PILL, OUR
STORY ENDS.
YOU TAKE THE RED PILL, YOU STAY
IN WONDERLAND, AND I SHOW YOU
HOW DEEP THE RABBIT HOLE GOES.
>> [ GULPS ]
>> OH, HELLO, RABBIT HOLE.
>> CY-KILL IS ON OUR TAIL,
SCOOTER.
WE NEED TO GO FASTER.
>> [ Chuckling ] NO PROBLEM,
LEADER-1.
INITIATING WALKER MODE!
HOLD ONTO YOUR GO-BUTT!
>> LET'S CUT THIS SKETCH.
>> WELP, THEY CUT NASA's BUDGET
AGAIN!
EARLY RETIREMENT WITH NO
BENEFITS!
I -- I-I THINK I MIGHT BE HAVING
A BREAKDOWN, JEANNIE.
>> OH, NO!
DOES MASTER NEED A BACK RUB?
>> ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!
MASTER NEEDS A DAMN MINUTE TO
HIMSELF!
>> HMPH!
MAYBE I'LL JUST SPEND THE NIGHT
IN MY BOTTLE.
>> YOUR BOTTLE'S GONNA SPEND THE
NIGHT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T
CONJURE UP SOME WHISKEY AND A
FISTFUL OF PILLS!
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
[ BOING! ]
[ GULPING ]
>> ALL RIGHT, MAIN BOOSTERS ARE
READY FOR A "GO."
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING FOR A
LAUNCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
[ ALARM BEEPS ]
UH, HOLD ON.
UH, CHARLIE DELTA, THERE APPEARS
TO BE A GIANT OLD-TIMEY LOLLIPOP
WITH AN ERECTION APPROACHING
YOUR SHUTTLE.
BE ON AWARE.
>> [ GIGGLING ]
>> [ Slurring ] I'M HERE FOR MY
EXIT INTERVIEW, SPACE [BLEEP]
>> MASTER! OH, PLEASE!
>> PLEASE WISH FOR IT TO START
RAINING EYEBALLS?!
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU GOT IT!
>> GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE SOME
WEATHER.
>> I AM MICTECACIHUATL, THE
AZTEC GODDESS OF DEATH!
>> AAH!
[ BOTH ROARING ]
>> UH, MISSION CONTROL, WE HAVE
A VISUAL ON THE CAST OF
"GOOD TIMES" CHEWING ON THE FUEL
CABLE FOR THRUSTER THREE.
JIMMIE "J.J." "KID DY-NO-MITE"
WALKER IS ALMOST THROUGH THE
INSULATION.
CAN YOU CONFIRM? OVER.
>> NEGATIVE, CHARLIE DELTA.
ATTEMPTING TO COMMUNICATE WITH A
SENTIENT VICTORIAN DOLL, OVER.
>> [ DEEP BELLOW ]
>> I NOW KNOW WHAT HELL SOUNDS
LIKE.
RECOMMEND A TACTICAL NUCLEAR
STRIKE AT MY POSITION.
TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM.
>> OH, THERE, THERE, MASTER.
>> [ Chuckling ] YES.
A GIANT BUTT!
OH, I SHOWED THEM ALL, DIDN'T I?
>> OH.
>> DID YOU BRING THE MONEY?
>> IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S ALL THERE, YOU SON OF A
BITCH -- $5 MILLION IN BEARER
BONDS.
NOW GIVE ME MY SON!
>> [ WHISTLES ]
>> JAYDEN!
>> DADDY!
>> THANK GOD!
>> OKAY, GUESS WE'RE ALL DONE
HERE.
>> OKAY. YEAH. I-I GUESS WE ARE.
>> UNLESS YOU WENT TO THE
[BLEEP] COPS!
>> YOU SAID NO COPS.
IS SOME [BLEEP] SNIPER GONNA
KILL ME THE SECOND I WALK AWAY?
>> NO.
IS THERE A [BLEEP] TRACE IN
THIS BRIEFCASE?
>> NO.
ARE YOU JUST GONNA KIDNAP MY SON
AGAIN LATER?
>> WHY WOULD I?
I HAVE $5 MILLION.
>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANOTHER THRILLING TALE OF...
>> BARK! BARK!
>> YOU'RE DOING IT!
>> BARK! BARK!
>> GOOD GIRL, LASSIE!
OH, YOU BITCH!
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
APOLOGIES, MY DEAR.
IT'S...KIND OF WHAT I AM KNOWN
FOR.
>> DADDY, HOW DO THEY GET THE
CORK IN THE BOTTLE?
>> WELL, ABIGAIL...
>> UNGH! AAAAAH!
[ CRIES ]
>> STOP CRYING AND TELL LIES!
>> A-ABIGAIL IS A GOOD LITTLE
GIRL!
>> UNGH! AAAAAH!
>> [ Voice breaking ] W-WHAT?
>> YEP.
PINOCCHIO MUST HAVE READ YOUR
DIARY.
[ MID-TEMPO R&B MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> WHOO!
>> ♪ EVERYTHING IN THIS JUNGLE
WANNA EAT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ I CAN'T BLAME 'EM, 'CAUSE YOU
LOOK SO FINE ♪
♪ I WANT TO GIVE YOU SEXUAL
RABIES ♪
>> ♪ SEXUAL RABIES ♪
>> ♪ GIMME THAT SWEET, SWEET
MONKEY VAGINE ♪
♪ THOUGH I WANT TO PUT YOUR
PELVIS IN TRACTION ♪
♪ ON PANDORA, THE MAIN
ATTRACTION IS ♪
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] ♪
>> WHOO!
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] YEAH ♪
>> WHOO!
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] ♪
>> ♪ YOU KNOW, YOU WON'T SEE
RABBIT SEX IN
"THE LORD OF THE RINGS" ♪
♪ SMACK HER IN THE ASS WITH YOUR
PONYTAIL THING ♪
♪ JAKE SULLY WAS A SOLDIER IN A
BAD POSITION ♪
♪ HE WON'T BE SCORING WITH THAT
SPINAL CONDITION ♪
♪ THEY PUT HIM IN A BODY WITH A
TAIL AND FANGS ♪
♪ AND WHAT WE ARE PRESUMING IS
AN ♪
>> ♪ INDIGO WANG ♪
>> ♪ NOW HE'S GONNA NAIL ALL THE
BEAVER HE WANNA ♪
♪ WHILE THE ANIMATORS SPANK IT
TO ZOE ZALDANA-A-A ♪
♪ AND NOW WE'VE GOT ♪
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] ♪
>> WHOO!
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] YEAH ♪
>> WHOO!
>> ♪ BLUE RABBITS [BLEEP] ♪
EVERYWHERE! ♪
>> AND NOW A WORD FROM
JAMES CAMERON.
>> ORK! ORK! ORK! ORK! ORK!
>> ♪ THIS WHOLE PLANET'S GOT
[BLEEP] STENCH ♪
♪ YOU CAN SMELL IT ON THE
OTHER -- ♪
>> YAY!
>> [ GRUNTING ]
GOT TO GO!
[ FARTS ]
>> AND THAT'S WHY BOTTLED WATER
IS AN $8 BILLION INDUSTRY.
>> GETTING IT CLEAN.
>> I'M SORRY, TWIKI.
YOU HAVE DIABETE-BETE-BETES.
>> THIS LASIK PROCEDURE
SHOULDN'T TAKE VERY LONG, FRED.
THE SUCCESS RATE IS VERY, VERY
LOW.
>> YOU THINK THIS IS BAD?
MY LAST JOB WAS GIVING LATE-TERM
ABORTIONS TO UNWED TEENS.
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
>> DEAN PROFFITT, SINCE YOU KNEW
THAT WEALTHY SOCIALITE HAD
AMNESIA, YOUR ACTIONS AMOUNT TO
KIDNAPPING, FORCED SERVITUDE,
AND RAPE.
THE COURT SENTENCES YOU TO
DEATH.
>> [ Chuckling ] OH! HEY, HEY!
LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
OKAY, YOU CAN GO.
>> WHOO-HOO!
[ BOTH CHUCKLING ]
>> I'VE HAD THE BEST TIME
TONIGHT.
>> ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, WHEN JENNIFER SAID SHE
HAD A CUTE FRIEND, I HAD NO IDEA
SHE'D BE A SILVERHAWK.
>> LET'S, UM...
SKIP DESSERT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> THAT IS SO HOT!
[ CLANK! ]
HOW DO I TAKE YOUR ARMOR OFF?
>> ARMOR?
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT'S MY BODY.
>> [ Chuckling ] W-WHAT?
>> PARTLY METAL, PARTLY REAL?
IT'S IN OUR THEME SONG.
>> OH. YEAH.
I-I, UH...SO, WELL -- SO HOW DO
WE?
>> JUST POUND ON MY CROTCH WITH
THIS BALL-PEEN HAMMER.
[ CLANGING ]
>> OH, YES! YES!
>> YEAH? AM I DOING IT?
>> HARDER! DO IT! OKAY! YES!
>> ALL RIGHT. I'M SWINGING IT.
YEAH, YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT?
YEAH, YEAH.
IS THIS DOING SOMETHING?
OW! OH, PISS ON IT!
I HIT MY THUMB!
[ CLANGING IN DISTANCE ]
>> Shh. DO YOU HEAR THAT?
>> I THINK I WANT TO GO HOME
NOW.
>> ARE YOU READY FOR ANOTHER
INCREDIBLE ADVENTURE?
>> All: YEAH!
>> CASPER?
>> OH, NO. IT'S MY MOM.
>> OH, MY GOD! CASPER!
YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME!
>> NO, MOM.
I CAME BACK TO HAVE FUN
ADVENTURES WITH MY NEW FRIENDS.
DUH.
>> NEW FRIENDS?
CASPER, I'VE BEEN CRYING EVERY
DAY FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS!
[ Crying ] WHY'D YOU HAVE TO
PLAY BY THE POOL, CASPER?!
>> COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S DITCH THIS WET BLANKET AND
PLAY!
>> [ CACKLES ]
THIS NEXT TALE OF TERROR FOLLOWS
THE UNUSUAL DEATH OF ONE
CHET MASTERSON, WHO -- WAIT A
MINUTE.
I KNEW A CHET MASTERSON.
CAN WE FIND OUT IF...I-IT'S THE
SAME ONE?
NO, I GUESS THAT WAS A COUPLE
MONTHS AGO.
HE'S DEAD? YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
NO. NO. I CAN'T DO THIS, GUYS.
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
I KNEW HIM.
NO! [BLEEP] YOU, JERRY!
I'M NOT READING IT!
>> [ GASPS ]
"DEBBIE DOES DALLAS"?
"TABOO"?
THE COLLECTED WORKS OF
EVA ANGELINA!
FINALLY, I HAVE TIME -- ALL THE
TIME IN THE WORLD!
[ SNAP ]
OOH! OOP!
NO.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THERE WAS TIME NOW.
THERE WAS FINALLY TIME!
>> NOW, JOES, KEEP YOUR FACES
RIGHT IN THE DIRT AND --
[ SNIFFS ]
OH! WHAT THE HELL?!
THIS SMELLS LIKE DOG [BLEEP]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
DUKE, LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST ROLLED
CRAPS!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DOO-DOO HEAD!
[ FREEDOM SCREECHES ]
>> HEY!
[ POLLY SQUAWKS ]
HEY!
[ WOLF GROWLS ]
HEY!
ALL RIGHT, JOES.
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO, SO --
[ SPLASH ]
AW, A CAT PISSED IN MY HELMET!
>> SORRY, DUKE.
THAT WAS MY SIDEKICK, CAT SCAN.
>> WHY IS EVERYONE BRINGING
ANIMALS INTO THE PIT?!
>> IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN THE
HANDBOOK, DUKE -- ONE ANIMAL PER
JOE.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU MEAN WE ALL GET A PET?
[ EXCITED INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ ENGINES RUMBLE ]
>> THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.
DUKE TO GUNG-HO, YOU BETTER BE
READY.
>> READY, DUKE.
THESE COBRAS WON'T KNOW WHAT --
[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]
QUIET, DUMBOLAYA!
FOR THE LOVE OF --
DUMBO!
>> OH, THE SNEAK ATTACK IS
BLOWN.
ALL JOES ATTACK!
>> HERE WE GO, STINK BOMB.
LET'S ROAST SOME SNAKES.
[ FLAMETHROWER WHOOSHES ]
[ SKUNK SCREECHES ]
>> NO! THIS CAN'T BE GOING ON!
OH, ME BONES!
OH, THEY'RE TORCHIN' ME BONES!
I'VE TORCHED MY OWN BONES!
>> EAT THROWING STAR, COBRA
SCUM.
[ DOG BARKS ]
LUMPY, NO!
[ DOG WHINES ]
>> ROSES ARE RED, PANSIES ARE
ORANGE.
I LOVE KILLING COBRAS -- OW!
[ HORSE WHINNIES ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
>> OH, NO! THE ANIMALS!
THE ANIMALS HAVE RUINED
EVERYTHING!
>> NO, DUKE.
THERE'S STILL ONE MORE PET --
MINE.
[ WHALE CALLS ]
[ CRASH ]
>> DEEP SIX, THAT'S MEDAL OF
HONOR MATERIAL RIGHT THERE.
OH, LOOK OUT.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE WHO
SAID I WAS USELESS!
[ UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> [ SCOFFS ]
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE
CLUBBING, DUDE?
>> I'M ONLY 25.
I HAVE PROGERIA.
[ CACKLES ]
I'M NOT GETTING IN, AM I?