[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> SO, THAT ENDS OUR LESSON ON STDs.
NEXT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO USE A CONDOM.
>> UH, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
>> WHAT THE -- WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE HALF-BABY,
HALF-CABBAGES COME FROM?
OH, DAMN IT, CARL!
>> THAT BOY CARL JERK OFF IN THE CABBAGES AGAIN?!
>> HE SURE DID!
>> YOU GOT TO FIRE THAT BOY!
>> I'M GONNA FIRE HIM RIGHT NOW.
CARL, YOU ARE FIRED, SIR!
>> CARL, YOU ARE FIRED AND DISGUSTING!
>> I GOT THIS, HONEY. CARL -- >> YOU CAN'T JERK OFF ON
SOMEONE'S PRODUCE!
>> I-I TOLD HIM THAT, HONEY.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE HERE, CARL!
>> YOU'RE [BLEEP] WITH OUR LIVELIHOOD!
>> I TRIED TO HELP YOU, SON, BECAUSE YOU'RE HOMELESS AND
DRUG-ADDLED, BUT YOU CANNOT BE MASTURBATING ON OUR PRODUCE,
SON.
>> CARL, THAT IS NOT THE WAY YOU MAKE A BABY, BY [BLEEP] ON A
CABBAGE HEAD!
>> I GOT IT, HONEY.
>> [BLEEP] WE CAN'T SELL IT IF IT'S COVERED IN YOUR SEMEN.
>> HE KNOWS.
I'VE ALREADY TOLD HIM.
CARL, GET OUT OF HERE!
>> YOU'RE [BLEEP] DISGUSTING!
>> YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED, FIRED, FIRED!
>> I DO NOT THINK WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO RECOMMEND YOU FOR
ANOTHER JOB, UNLESS THAT JOB IMPLIES THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE SEMEN ON PRODUCE!
>> I'M NOT GONNA RECOMMEND YOU.
IF ANYONE CALLS ME, I'M GONNA TELL THEM YOU ARE A CHRONIC
MASTURBATOR!
>> [BLEEP] THERE'S SEMEN EVERYWHERE!
>> THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!
COME OUT OR WE'RE COMING IN!
[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ] >> OKAY, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
>> [ GASPS ] >> THERE HE IS!
>> WHAT, BEHIND THE TURKEY?
>> GET HIM!
[ TURKEY GOBBLING ] >> [ GROANING ]
>> SO, ON THIS DAY OF THANKSGIVING, I,
PRESIDENT OBAMA, HEREBY PARDON THIS TURKEY.
[ BOTH GASP ] >> OBAMA -- SOFT ON CRIME.
VOTE SARAH PALIN 2012.
>> DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
>> NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
>> [ SIGHS ] WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT, THEN.
I MADE MY FIRST PIZZA AS A BOY OF 13, AND NOW I'M MAKING MY
LAST PIZZA TONIGHT.
>> NOBODY MADE THEM LIKE YOU, GRAMPS.
>> HI. GOT A PIZZA FOR SILVERSTEIN?
>> HA HA HA!
HERE YOU ARE, SON.
YOU GOT THE LAST ONE.
>> AW, THANKS.
>> ENJOY.
[ BELLS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES ] [ SOBBING ]
[ MUTTERING ] >> AAH! AAH!
[ WHISTLE! ] AAH!
OW! SON OF A BITCH!
AH, SCREW IT.
I'LL GO TO BURGER KING.
STUPID PIZZA. [ GRUNTS ] [ HORN HONKS ]
>> AH, PIZZA!
[ GRUNTING ] >> HEY!
I WANT THAT PIZZA!
[ WHIP! ] I'M STARVING!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ] >> POOP ON IT!
>> [ GROANING, FARTING ] >> [BLEEP]
>> THE OLD MAN LATER DIED.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> [ BLEATS ]
>> TARZAN LOVE JANE.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO, TAR-- >> BUT TARZAN NOT IN LOVE WITH
JANE.
>> HELLO, YELLOW!
>> HELLO!
[ SPY MUSIC PLAYS ] >> DO IT! DO IT!
JUST DO IT!
[ GUNSHOT ] [ CROWD SCREAMING ]
>> [ SNORTS ] [ WRIST DEVICE BEEPING ]
>> WHAT'S HE DOING?
>> TAKE HIM DOWN! TAKE HIM DOWN!
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] >> [ LAUGHS ]
OH, HE WAS TEXTING ME.
>> WE SHOULD, UH, PROBABLY GET OUR STORIES STRAIGHT.
>> MMM! MOM, THIS IS SO GOOD.
WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S CALLED "COLE SLAW," HONEY, ALSO KNOWN AS
"POOR-PEOPLE SALAD."
>> MMM! IT'S DELICIOUS!
HOW DO YOU MAKE IT?
>> ARE YOU MY DADDY?
>> SURE, KID.
>> OH. THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
[ SCREAMING ] [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
>> SO, I JUST MOVED TO L.A.
YOU WANT TO GET SOME DUNKIN' DONUTS?
>> BRAH, WE DON'T HAVE DUNKIN' DONUTS IN L.A.
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> "KNOCK, KNOCK."
"WHO'S THERE?" "STEVE JOBS."
"WELL, YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE AWESOME."
"OH? HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU, AMERICA."
>> OH, COMPACT DISC, SO CLEAR, SO CRISP.
JOBS WILL PAY FOR MAKING YOU OBSOLETE.
HAVE AT THEE!
[ DISC SHATTERS ] YOU'VE RUINED MY PLAN!
>> WHAT?
JOBS WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW IF YOU HADN'T SHOWN UP.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M ZUNEMAN!
>> AH, THE LEGENDS ARE TRUE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT!
>> THERE IS A SADDER HERO THAN MYSELF.
>> HEY! AT LEAST I'M NOT AN OUTDATED FORMAT THAT'S ONLY USED
AS A COASTER NOW.
>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE WORSE.
YOUR STATE-OF-THE-ART SOFTWARE AND CRYSTAL-CLEAR SOUND QUALITY
ARE MATCHED ONLY BY YOUR TERRIBLE PRODUCT DESIGN AND
COUNTERINTUITIVE MENU DISPLAY.
>> WE'RE WORKING ON IT!
[ GRUNTS ] >> WELL, FOR SOMEONE WITH
120 GIGS, YOU MOVE PRETTY SLOW.
[ WHOOSH! SLICE! ] >> RUH-ROH!
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A SCRATCH.
GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE.
>> THEY HAVE REPAIR KITS!
[ GUNSHOT ] >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, CD?
I TOLD YOU, YOU'RE OVER.
[ SHING! ] [ GUN COCKS ]
DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU.
>> YOU ALREADY HAVE!
AAAH!
>> HE'S DEAD.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M ZUNE!
>> REALLY?
[ Laughing ] WOW!
WHAT A TERRIBLE DESIGN.
>> MAKE IT QUICK.
>> HMM...
I WOULDN'T WASTE THE BULLETS.
>> PLEASE!
DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.
NO!
>> DADDY, WHAT'S THAT?
>> I THINK IT'S A PAGER.
[ BANGING ] >> HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
W-WHO'S THERE?
DAMN IT, ALFONSE!
THAT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR COLLEGE FUND.
>> [ CRYING ] >> [ GASPS ] A TEDDY RUXPIN?!
HE CAN PLAY ANY TAPE, AND HE MOVES HIS MOUTH ALONG WITH THE
WORDS!
OH! THANKS, UNCLE GALLAGHER!
>> LET'S TRY IT OUT!
I'VE GOT A COPY OF MY STAND-UP SPECIAL, "MELON CRAZY."
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] [ WHIP! WHIP! ]
[ WARBLE! WHIP! ] >> AAH!
[ GRUNTS ] [ GLASS SHATTERS ]
AAH!
NO! HE'S GOT A CYANIDE CAPSULE.
DON'T YOU BITE DOWN, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY MY TAPE!
>> [ GURGLES ] >> HE'S -- HE'S GONE.
AH. WE'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
>> [ GASPS ] >> N-O-O-O-O-O!
>> WHOO! ALL RIGHT!
I'M NICKY PASSION, AND I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW TO MANAGE YOUR
TEAM AND...
>> All: ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM!
>> ALL RIGHT!
OH, CHECK OUT THE MUG ON THIS ONE.
HEY, MIRROR, MIRROR ON YOUR FACE, WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS
HELPFUL PLACE?
>> WELL, I RUN MY OWN BUSINESS.
>> I'M KIDDING, REARVIEW.
I READ YOUR BIO.
I KNOW THE STORY.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR VIDEO.
>> NEXT TIME, G.I. JOE!
NEXT TIME, G.I. JOE!
NEXT TIME, G.I. JOE.
>> BUT THAT NEXT TIME NEVER COMES, DOES IT?
>> NO.
>> MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED COBRA COMMANDING AND START COBRA
COMMENDING.
YOU RUN ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL TERRORIST
ORGANIZATIONS IN THE WORLD.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF?
>> I GUESS.
>> MAYBE ONCE YOU STEP BACK AND LOOK, YOU'LL REALIZE THAT YOU'VE
ALREADY...
>> All: ACHIEVED YOUR DREAM!
>> THAT'S NOT EXACTLY MY DREAM.
I PAID $300 FOR THIS?
>> I'M SORRY, SIR.
I DON'T SEE A NAME TAG FOR CY-KILL.
>> BUT I TOLD CRASHER TO BOOK MY TRIP.
SHE MUST HAVE FAILED ME.
YOU SEE, I NEED THIS SEMINAR MORE THAN ANYONE.
>> SORRY.
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING I CAN DO.
>> WELL, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ME TAKING ALL THE FREE
COOKIES.
[ ENGINE REVS ] [ LAUGHING EVILLY ]
>> I AM MEGATRON, LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS.
>> AW, SOUNDS MORE LIKE A SELF-DECEPTICON.
[ LAUGHS ] LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> THIS IS YOUR FAULT, MEGATRON!
YOU'RE FIRING BLANKS, MEGATRON!
HOW DO MY BALLS TASTE, MEGATRON?
>> AND WHAT'S YOUR GIRL FRIDAY'S NAME?
>> STARSCREAM.
>> LISTEN TO ME NOW, TONS OF FUN.
IT'S NOT THE GUN IN THE FIGHT BUT THE FIGHT IN THE GUN.
AND THIS GUY HERE IS STARSCREAMING FOR AN
ASS-WHUPPING!
LISTEN TO ME NOW.
YOU STAND FOR NUMBER ONE, BUT YOU ALWAYS SIT FOR NUMBER TWO.
>> AH. THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT. WE GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE, FOLKS.
WHERE IS -- [ SCOOTER BEEPING ]
[ WHIP! ] CHARMIN, YOU ALL GOOD?
>> WHAT? WHO'S THERE?
>> WHOOPS.
I THINK I WOKE HIM, FOLKS.
>> WHO'S THERE?
>> ANYWAY, TOMMY, DO ME A FAVOR AND PUT THAT SHAME SPOTLIGHT ON
THE GAY BLADE IN 13C!
>> OH, OH, NICKY!
>> BONES, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I TOLD YOU, MAN, I CAN'T HELP YOU.
>> BUT I'VE BEEN DOING THE EXERCISES YOU GAVE ME AND
WRITING IN MY DREAM JOURNAL.
>> HAVE -- HAVE YOU DEFEATED HE-MAN ONCE YET?
>> WELL -- >> JUST ONCE?
>> I MEAN, WHAT DOES "DEFEATED" EVEN REALLY MEAN, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, ONE MAN'S DEFEAT IS JUST ANOTHER MAN'S -- HEE HEE, I'LL
JUST GO.
>> ALL RIGHT, GET ON OUT OF HERE.
AND REMEMBER, FOLKS, YOU CAN'T BE THE TOP DOG IF YOU ACT LIKE A
PUSSY.
ENJOY YOUR LUNCH!
[ ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ CLOTH UNRAVELING ] >> All: [ MURMURING ]
>> I CAN SEE YOUR MUMM-BALLS.
>> WATCH OUT! EVIL RAISIN!
>> OH, LOOKS LIKE AN OLD HACKY SACK.
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.