[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
RISE FOR THE BEST 60 SECONDS IN
TELEVISION HISTORY.
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
[ BEEP, WHIRRING ]
>> AAAAAH!
>> [ LAUGHS CONFIDENTLY ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ POINK! ]
[ BEEPING ]
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
[ NINJAS SHOUTING ]
>> AAAAH!
[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]
>> OKAY, LORRAINE, LET'S MEET
YOUR SUITORS.
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE IS A PEEPING
TOM.
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO IS AN
ATTEMPTED RAPIST.
AND BACHELOR NUMBER THREE IS
YOUR OWN SON.
>> I'M BECOMING A NUN.
>> HEY, THANKS FOR PLAYING,
MARTY.
[ TINGLE! ]
>> MY SPIDER SENSE IS TINGLING,
BUT WHY?!
IS IT THE GREEN GOBLIN?!
>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
>> THE LIZARD?!
>> [ HISSES ]
>> AUNT MAY HAVING ANOTHER
STROKE?!
>> [ MOANING ]
[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]
>> NOTHING? OKAY.
[ CHOKES ]
OH, THE MILK WENT BAD.
UM, THANKS, SPIDER SENSE?
[ TINGLE! ]
UH-OH, SPIDER SENSE TINGLING!
[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ]
[ BACKUP INDICATOR BEEPING ]
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
OH, NO -- THOSE KIDS!
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU TINGLED ME OVER A PUDDLE?!
[ TINGLE! TINGLE! TINGLE! ]
>> FACE IT, TIGER...
YOU'RE GONNA GET LAID.
>> [ Thinking ] YES!
AFTER TONIGHT, THE VULTURE CAN'T
CALL ME A VIRGIN EVER AGAIN!
[ TINGLE! ]
NO, NO! SHOO, SHOO!
COME ON, LET ANOTHER PART OF ME
TINGLE FOR ONCE!
UH-OH!
[ CRYING ]
[ TINGLE! ]
[ GROANS ] BE MORE SPECIFIC!
OF COURSE I'M IN DANGER!
I'M HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE
MANHAT-- UGH!
[ TINGLE! ]
WHATEVER.
>> WELL, MR. PARKER, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU BROKE YOUR ANKLE.
ALSO, X-RAYS SHOW A TUMOR AT THE
BASE OF YOUR SKULL THAT IS, FOR
LACK OF A BETTER WORD, TINGLING.
>> REMOVE IT. REMOVE IT NOW.
[ TINGLE! TINGLE! TINGLE! ]
[ FLATLINE ]
>> TIME OF DEATH -- 3:47 P.M.
[ MELODIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> I'M GONNA MAKE IT RAIN!
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> SO, I TOLD THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS,
"COME LIVE WITH ME IN PEACE AND
SAFETY, AWAY FROM ALL THE
WANGDOODLES AND THE
HORNSWOGGLERS AND SNOZZWANGERS
AND ROTTEN VERNICIOUS KNIDS.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> AAAAAAAH!
[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ BABY CRYING ]
>> AND 5, 6, 7, 8!
♪ OOMPA-LOOMPA, DOOPITY ♪
ARMS, PEOPLE!
IT'S ALL IN THE ARMS! COME ON!
♪ OOMPA-LOOMPA ♪
HEY, YOU -- YOU THERE!
[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]
OH, I'M SORRY.
IS THIS DANCE TOO CHALLENGING
FOR YOU?
ARE YOU TIRED?
YOU FEELING FAINT?
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A LOAD
OFF, OKAY?
>> AAAAH!
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, HERE WE GO
AGAIN.
THIS TIME, WITH FEELING!
AND 5, 6, 7, 8!
>> WELCOME BACK TO "UNWRAPPED."
YOU KNOW, NEARLY EVERYONE HAS
ENJOYED AN ICE-CREAM SUNDAE ON A
HOT DAY, BUT THE ORIGINS OF THIS
TASTY TREAT MAY JUST SURPRISE
YOU.
IT'S COMMONLY ACCEPTED THAT THE
SUNDAE WAS INVENTED IN EVANSTON,
ILLINOIS, CIRCA 1890.
WE WENT TO DR. PETER YARBOURGH
FOR THE REAL SCOOP.
>> HERE'S HOW [BLEEP] DUMB THESE
[BLEEP] HEADS IN ILLINOIS WERE.
THE ICE-CREAM SODA HAD JUST BEEN
INVENTED.
TEENAGERS LIKED THEM.
SO, THESE [BLEEP] RELIGIOUS
NUMBNUTS SAT AROUND JACKING OFF
IN CHURCH ALL DAY, THINKING
ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY JUST HATED
TEENAGERS AND DECIDED -- TRUE
[BLEEP] STORY, PEOPLE -- THAT
GOD THEREFORE MUST HATE
ICE-CREAM SODAS.
THAT'S RIGHT! [ LAUGHS ]
THESE ILLINOIS [BLEEP] KNOBS
CONCLUDED THAT GOD, CREATOR OF
THE INFINITE UNIVERSE WHO
PROBABLY HAD A TRILLION [BLEEP]
BETTER THINGS TO DO, ACTUALLY
HAD AN OPINION ABOUT MOTHER
[BLEEP] ICE-CREAM SODAS!
SO THE STATE OF ILLINOIS BANNED
ICE-CREAM SODAS ON SUNDAYS, YOU
KNOW, I GUESS SO GOD WOULDN'T
MAKE IT RAIN CRICKETS OR SOME
RIDICULOUS [BLEEP] HORSE [BLEEP]
LONG STORY SHORT, EVERY SUNDAY,
THE [BLEEP] ICE-CREAM STORES,
THEY'D JUST -- TA DA! -- THEY'D
JUST LEAVE OUT THE SODA PART,
AND THESE ILLINOIS [BLEEP] SAT
AROUND, JACKED OFF, THINKING
ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HAD PLEASED
THEIR INVISIBLE MASTER, WHO
LIVES ON A [BLEEP] FLYING CLOUD
OR WHEREVER THE [BLEEP] HE
LIVES!
THAT'S HOW ICE-CREAM SUNDAES
WERE INVENTED -- DUMB [BLEEP]
ILLINOIS ASSHOLES!
>> UP NEXT, SKITTLES.
>> OH [BLEEP] SKITTLES!
>> [ BARKING ]
>> [ PANTING ]
>> CAN'T WE TRY MISSIONARY JUST
ONCE?
>> [ WHIMPERS ]
>> KRABBY PATTIES ARE MADE OUT
OF CRABS!
[ ALL GASP ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
EVERYONE KNOWS KRABBY PATTIES
ARE ME FAMILY'S SECRET RECIPE,
BOY.
>> THEN EXPLAIN THIS!
[ ALL GASP, MURMURING ]
YOU SAID YOU FIRED CARL, THE
NIGHT JANITOR, BUT THIS IS HIS
TATTOO!
>> YOU LITTLE YELLOW BASTARD!
I TREATED YOU LIKE A SON, ME
BOY!
>> AND IT'S NOT JUST CRABS!
SQUIDWARD, THOSE CALAMARI RINGS
ARE SQUID!
AND YOUR CHICKEN-OF-THE-SEA
SALAD -- HA! -- TUNA!
CHICKEN OF THE SEA IS TUNA!
>> [ GASPS ]
>> YOU FED US TO US!
>> YOU LET US PAY YOU TO KILL
US?!
>> YOU'RE DISGUSTING!
>> NO!
I'M THE LAST HONEST MAN IN
BIKINI BOTTOM!
WE'RE ALL ANIMALS, BOYS AND
GIRLS!
EATING EACH OTHER IS WHAT NATURE
INTENDED!
[ ALL SHOUTING,
PUNCHES LANDING ]
>> I'M JUST GLAD NOTHING
DISGUSTING HAPPENS TO A SPONGE.
>> OKAY, JUST GOT TO SCRUB DEEP
WITHIN YOUR ROLLS OF FAT, AND
WE'RE DONE.
I SAID NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER
HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!
>> UGH, I HOPE THAT'S PUDDING IN
THERE.
>> I SURE WAS LUCKY TO GET A JOB
AFTER MY FIRST TWO NIGHTS AT THE
MUSEUMS.
OH, HELL, NO!
>> TODAY, I CONSIDER MESELF...
THE LOU GEHRIG-EST MAN ON THE
FACE OF THE EARTH.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
>> [ Thinking ] WELL, IF IT
ISN'T THIS LOSER.
SNARF, SNARF!
>> [ Thinking ] OH, MAN, PLEASE
DON'T LET THIS FOOL START
TALKING TO ME.
>> WHAT ARE YOU HIDING UNDER
THAT POINTY HAT, FEEB --
HE-MAN'S SPRAY TANNER?
SNARF, SNARF!
>> THIS PATHETIC JACKASS CAN'T
EVEN GO ONE SENTENCE WITHOUT
SAYING HIS OWN NAME.
>> NICE BATHROBE, DOUCHE!
SNARF, SNARF.
>> WHAT IF I HAD A VOCAL
AFFECTATION THAT ANNOYING?
HOPE IT DOESN'T RAIN TODAY.
ORKO, ORKO!
WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?
ORKO, ORKO!
I'D END UP IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.
ASSHOLE.
>> SNARF.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
OH, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
>> [ MUMBLING ]
>> [ Aloud ] OH, OKAY.
SNARF, SNARF.
[ Thinking ] SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU
HALF-WIT!
SNARF, SNARF!
>> [ Aloud ] UH-HUH, YEAH.
I SEE.
[ Thinking ] KILL ME, KILL ME,
KILL ME.
[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]
>> [ Thinking ] [ MUMBLING ]
OH, CRAP!
DO NOT TURN AROUND, PLEASE, YOU
SON OF A BITCH!
OH, NO, DO NOT TURN AROUND!
DON'T TURN AROUND!
>> GLEEK, IT'S ME --
ANDY RICHTER!
OH, SEEING YOU HERE REMINDS ME
OF A GREAT CONAN STORY.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> [ SNIFFS ]
A WONDERFUL DAY TO MAKE
COOKIES -- COOKIES WITH THE
FINEST INGREDIENTS, THE
SMOOTHEST CHOCOLATE.
[ SNIFFS ]
OH, THAT I LIVED TO SEE THIS
DAY.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ HORN BLOWING ]
>> ARE YOU SURE, ERNEST?
>> YES.
LISTEN TO THE VOICE UPON THE
WIND.
YOU WILL KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.
>> COOKIE.
[ ALL GASP ]
>> COOKIE!
[ ALL GASP ]
>> COOKIE!
[ ALL SHOUT ]
>> HOLD!
>> [ ROARING, CHOMPING ]
[ INDISTINCT SCREAMING ]
>> HOLD!
>> [ ROARING, CHOMPING
CONTINUE ]
[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]
>> HOLD!
I OWED THEM OVERTIME.
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
>> UH, B-B-B-BUT YOU OWE ME
OVERTIME, WHICH IS NO BIG DEAL.
>> [ ROARING ]
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> COOKIE!
COOKIE!
>> I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE COOKIES!
>> I'M MAKING COOKIES IN MY
PANTS RIGHT NOW!
THEY'RE SHAPED LIKE POO!
AAH!
>> COOKIE!
[ GROWLS ]
AGH! UNH!
OHH! OHH!
AAAAAH!
>> NOW GIVE THE MONSTER WHAT HE
WANTS!
>> DIABETES?
>> GOOD COMMENT ON MODERN
CULTURE, BUT NO -- COOKIES!
>> [ CHOKING ]
>> FASTER, BUCKETS!
PACK THAT FUDGE!
PACK THAT FUDGE, DAMN IT!
>> [ GIGGLES ]
>> SAVE YOUR IMMATURITY FOR WHEN
WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO BE KILLED,
YOU IDIOT!
[ GIGGLES ] FUDGE.
>> COOKIE MONSTER CAN'T STOP --
CAN'T STOP EATING COOKIES!
[ CHOKING ]
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> [ CRIES ]
THEY DIDN'T KNOW HE HAVE COOKIE
ADDICTION!
IT LIKE THEY FEED HEROIN TO
JUNKIE!
>> IT WAS A HOME INVASION!
THEY ACTED IN SELF-DEFENSE!
>> ORDER, PLEASE! ORDER!
THE COURT FINDS IN FAVOR OF
KEEBLER INCORPORATED!
I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY THE
COOKIE CRUMBLES.
>> ME SON IS DEAD AND YOU MAKE
PUN?!
ME KILL YOU!
ME [BLEEP] KILL YOU!
[ ROARS ]
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.