[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> JOHNNY 5 IS ALIVE!
JOHNNY 5 IS ALIVE!
WHAT WILL JOHNNY 5 DO FIRST?
[ UPBEAT '80s MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I'M THIRSTY!
>> I'M HUNGRY!
>> I'M BATMAN.
>> THE NIGHT MY CAR CAREENED OFF
THAT MISSISSIPPI HIGHWAY AND
FLIPPED INTO A DITCH IS A NIGHT
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
TO BE FAIR, I DON'T REMEMBER
MUCH ABOUT THE ACCIDENT ITSELF,
'CAUSE I WAS BANGED UP PRETTY
BAD.
THERE WAS MUCH SPECULATION AS TO
WHAT OCCURRED ON THAT
UNSEASONABLY COLD AUGUST NIGHT,
BUT THE MOST COMMON THING I HEAR
IS, "MORGAN FREEMAN, YOU'VE BEEN
IN MORE THAN 75 FEATURE-LENGTH
FILMS.
WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DO YOU
DRIVE A 1997 NISSAN MAXIMA?"
AND FOR THAT QUESTION, LIKE ALL
QUESTIONS, THERE'S MORE THAN ONE
ANSWER.
YOU SEE, A '97 MAXIMA
REPRESENTED A SIGNIFICANT
IMPROVEMENT OVER THE PREVIOUS
YEAR'S MODEL.
AND COMPARED TO MY '89
FORD PROBE, WELL, IT WASN'T EVEN
A FAIR CONTEST.
IN 2002, THERE WAS A FACTORY
RECALL ON THE ALTERNATOR, BUT I
BROUGHT IT RIGHT IN, AND THEY
FIXED IT IN A DAY OR SO.
THEY EVEN GAVE ME A LOANER, A
BRAND-NEW ALTIMA.
NICE CAR, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY NO
MAXIMA.
OH, OH, AND THAT RIGHT THERE?
THAT'S THE FLIP THAT SHOULD HAVE
KILLED ME, BUT THANKS TO
NISSAN'S FIVE-STAR CRASH RATING,
ALONG WITH DUAL AIR BAGS,
CRUMPLE ZONE, SEAT-BELT
PRE-TENSIONERS, AND SIDE-DOOR
BEAMS, WELL, I'M ALIVE TODAY.
I SUPPOSE THE OTHER NOTEWORTHY
ASPECT OF THIS STORY IS I'VE
BEEN [BLEEP] MY OWN
STEP-GRANDDAUGHTER.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE A FORM OF
HYSTERICAL BLINDNESS.
HAS HE BEEN THROUGH ANY
TRAUMATIC EVENTS LATELY?
PERHAPS SEEN SOMETHING THAT
COULD HAVE CAUSED THIS?
>> NOT THAT I CAN THINK OF.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE UP
YOUR POWERS FOR ME.
>> I...LOVE YOU, LOIS.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
>> I LOVE YOU, LANA.
>> SUPERMAN...MAN OF STEEL.
>> SO, I COME OUT OF THE BOOTH
ALL HUNCHED AND KIND OF WOOZY ON
MY FEET LIKE THIS, LIKE, "OH,
OH."
AND THEN BAM! BOOM!
KNEEL BEFORE MY ROD.
HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
>> I'M FAST, PLAYER, BUT YOU THE
FASTEST.
BAM! RIGHT UP IN THAT ASS.
OH, YEAH!
>> I-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID
THAT FOR ME.
[ CRYING ]
>> ♪ BA-DA-BOOP, BA-DA-BOOP ♪
SUPERMAN.
[ UPBEAT '80s MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> DAD!
IT'S OKAY IF I CALL YOU DAD,
RIGHT, MR. DRUMMOND?
>> OF COURSE.
WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ANYONE
UNCOMFORTABLE?
>> DUDLEY AND I WANT TO SPEND
THE AFTERNOON AT THE BIKE SHOP.
>> ALL ALONE?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
>> PLEASE, DAD?
I'LL DO ALL MY CHORES THIS WEEK.
I'LL BE YOUR SLAVE.
>> OH, NOW, ARNOLD, OUR
RELATIONSHIP AS FATHER/SON IN NO
WAYS RESEMBLES THE OWNER/SLAVE
DYNAMIC OF YES-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST GO.
>> BOTTOMS UP, BOYS.
>> I-I DON'T THINK MY DAD WOULD
LIKE ME DRINKING WINE.
>> ARNOLD, I'M A MIDDLE-AGED
WHITE MAN.
I AUTOMATICALLY KNOW WHAT'S BEST
FOR YOU.
>> YOU DO SOUND LIKE
MR. DRUMMOND.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
Dad.
>> ARNOLD? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> DAD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
THE MAYTAG REPAIRMAN IS SHOWING
ME NAKED CARTOONS.
>> I WANT YOU TO LISTEN VERY
CAREFULLY.
WHAT COMES NEXT IS IMPORTANT.
HE'S GOING TO ASK YOU TO PLAY
TARZAN, AND DUDLEY'S GOING TO BE
INTO IT.
THE AUDIENCE MIGHT LAUGH, BUT
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
THEY'RE JUST CONFUSED BY THE
MASSIVE SHIFT IN TONE.
>> WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GETTING
AT, DAD?
AAAAH!
>> [ Breathing deeply ]
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR RANSOM, I
CAN TELL YOU I'M A MAN OF MEANS.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD
YOU THAT.
IF YOU RETURN MY SON, THAT WILL
BE THE END OF IT.
BUT IF YOU KEEP HIM, I WILL FIND
YOU AND I WILL AWKWARDLY ASK
PARENTS TO HAVE A FRANK
DISCUSSION WITH THEIR CHILDREN
ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE JUST SEEN.
>> GOOD LUCK.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT? MONEY?
IT'S NOT MUCH, BUT TAKE IT!
>> DON'T MATTER WHAT YOU GOT!
NOT A LOT?!
SO WHAT?!
[ AUDIENCE LAUGHING ]
>> AND THIS IS MY SISTER,
RAINBOW DIM.
>> 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB.
>> OH, SURE IT WAS.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> HEY, DO I KNOW YOU?
>> NOT YET.
>> YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
[ GROANS ]
HEY!
YOU STOLE MY KIDNEY, DIDN'T YOU?
>> OH, YOU GOT ME.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I GUESS I'M THE ASSHOLE.
>> WELL, LOOK AT THE MIRROR.
[ WAH-WAH! ]
>> YOU?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> WELL, GOOD LUCK SELLING THAT
KIDNEY.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ UPBEAT '80s MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GUN COCKS ]
>> AND WHEN I LOOKED OUTSIDE,
THERE ON THE DOOR HANDLE WAS A
HOOK!
>> AND THAT'S HOW I MET YOUR
MOTHER.
[ CLANKING ]
>> CONDOMS REDUCE THE RISK OF
PREGNANCY AND STDs, BUT ONLY
WHEN USED PROPERLY.
>> ♪ FRUITY FABLES ♪
♪ FRUITY FABLES ♪
[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ]
>> BARRY!
JUST WHERE THE
H-E-C-LETTER-THAT-COMES-AFTER-J
HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> OH, JUST OUT.
OOPS!
>> WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, BARRY.
YOUR SEX-EDUCATION JOB VIOLATES
EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE IN.
>> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
GOD CAME TO ME IN A DREAM.
>> BARRY, YOU MUST CONTINUE
TEACHING SEX EDUCATION!
>> BUT, GOD, ARTHUR SAYS SEX ED
IS EVIL.
>> ARTHUR CAN EAT MY ASS.
WHAT IS THE MOST EVIL THING IN
THE WORLD?
>> ABORTIONS?
>> WHAT LEADS TO ABORTIONS?
>> PREGNANCY?
>> WHAT PREVENTS PREGNANCY?
>> HOLY CRAP!
CONDOMS PREVENT PREGNANCY!
>> DAMN IT, BARRY!
OPPOSING SEX ED IS WAY MORE
IMPORTANT THAN ABORTIONS.
>> WHAT?!
>> I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A
BILLION ABORTIONS.
I JUST CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT
OF TEENAGERS DOING IT.
THOSE TAUT, FIRM BODIES
EXPLORING ONE ANOTHER WITH THE
KIND OF EXCITEMENT THAT I'LL
NEVER EXPERIENCE AGAIN IN MY
LIFE.
AND EVEN IF I TRY TO RECAPTURE
MY YOUTH WITH A WILLING -- MIND
YOU, WILLING -- TEENAGE
PARTICIPANT, I GO TO PRISON?!
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO IN PRISON,
BARRY?
THERE'S A THING CALLED SALAD
TOSSING.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON,
BARRY.
I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
>> ARTHUR!
>> LET'S GO HAVE SEX, BABY.
>> OKAY.
[ Crying ] OH, NO.
I'M SORRY, JESUS.
>> ♪ FRUITY FABLES ♪
♪ FRUITY FABLES ♪
[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ]
>> THESE AMERICANS BUTCHER MY
MEN LIKE -- WELL, LIKE I BUTCHER
DER JEWS.
DID THEY MARK YOU?
>> YES, MEIN FUEHRER.
>> LET ME SEE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED
TO BE, A SWASTIKA?
>> I THINK IT'S THE GLAIVE FROM
"KRULL."
>> REATERDZ!
>> I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A
SPECIAL TEAM.
THE NAZIS ARE ROUNDING UP,
KILLING, AND STERILIZING THE
MENTALLY DISABLED.
EACH OF YOU OWE ME 50 PIECES OF
NAZI CANDY, AND I WANT MY CANDY.
SOUND GOOD?
>> MEIN GOD, LENI RIEFENSTAHL
HAS REALLY LET HERSELF GO.
GET OUT OF THE --
>> TARDS, TARDS, TARDS, TARDS!
>> MEIN FUEHRER, I KNOW WE'RE
EXTERMINATING THEIR KIND FROM
THE FACE OF THE EARTH, BUT THE
PREFERRED TERM IS --
>> TELL ME YOUR TROOP POSITIONS.
>> I RESPECTFULLY REFUSE.
>> GIVE ME CANDY.
>> I RESPECT-- DID YOU JUST ASK
FOR CANDY?
I MIGHT HAVE --
>> YOU'RE TOO SLOW.
SEND IN THE BEAR.
>> OH, THANK GOODNESS.
IT IS A BEAR LIKE A BEAR HUG,
NOT LIKE THE BARE-NAKED JEW WHO
WILL RAPE --
>> AAAAH!
>> SO, WHO ARE YOUR THREE
HANDSOME ESCORTS, FRAUELEIN?
>> WHY, THEY'RE JUST THREE
FRIENDS OF MINE, COL. LANDA.
>> HELLO. NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> OH, ITALIANS.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
[ PROJECTOR CLICKING ]
>> TONIGHT'S MOVIE WILL BE
"RADIO," STARRING
CUBA GOODING JR.
>> WH-WHERE IS MY PIE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU WANT STRAWBERRY PIE OR
APPLE PIE?
>> I WANT B-B-B-B-- I WANT
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B --
I WANT B-B-B-B-B...
>> WHAT IN THE...
>> ...B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B --
I WANT B-B-BOTH OF THEM.
>> ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS "RADIO"
BULL[BLEEP]
>> TURN OFF THE MOVIE!
>> STOP THE PROJECTOR!
>> YOU HATE "RADIO," TOO?
>> WITH EVERY FIBER OF MEIN
BEING, MEIN ITALIAN FR--
>> MONGO, WE DID IT!
TO THINK, MY NEEDLESSLY
COMPLICATED PLAN TO KILL HIM
WITH A SHOWING OF "RADIO"
FAILED, AND YET STILL, HITLER --
>> YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!
[ CRASHING ]
>> THAT'S OUR CUE.
[ SCREAMING ]
>> WE WEREN'T THE ONES TEACHING
RADIO.
RADIO IS THE ONE BEEN TEACHING
US.
[ EXPLOSION ]
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]