[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
IT'S ALIVE!
[ Austrian accent ] YES! YES!
YES!
IT TAKES TWO FOR OUT OF SIGHT!
[ CRASHING, EXPLOSIONS ] [ POWERING DOWN ]
D'OH!
DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!
I TOL YOU ROAD HEAD WAS A BAD IDEA.
HELLO, EARTHLING.
WE WERE ON -- OOOH!
WHY ARE YOU --
THIS IS STARTING...TO HURT --OHH!
AND THAT'S WHAT I DID TO THE FIRST ALIENS I FOUND.
UNLESS YOU WANT SOME OF THE SAME, YOU JUST BETTER MIND YOUR
P's AND Q's.
[ CRYING ] [ SIGHS ]
HONEY, DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP SUCH HORRIBLE STORIES?
MARTHA, THAT BOY IS INVULNERABLE.
I CAN'T JUST SPANK HIM.
[ Hispanic accent ] I DON'T OFTEN DRINK BEER, BUT WHEN I DO,
I USUALLY SUCK THREE OR FOUR MALE PENISES.
AND ON SEVERAL NONCONSECUTIVE OCCASIONS, I'VE RUN OVER A PET.
OH, AND ONCE, I RAPED MY OWN UNCLE.
THAT IS WHY I DON'T OFTEN DRINK BEER.
EVEN THOUGH JANET IS NO LONGER WITH US, SHE'S STILL
ALIVE IN MY HEART.
I LOVE YOU, MY BABY GIRL.
WE WILL NOW HEAR A FEW WORDS FROM JANET'S FRIEND DIABLO CODY.
JANET WAS A HOLYMPIC ATHLETE.
AND HER SPORT? FLIRTING.
WHEN WE HUNG OUT, IT WAS LIKE FLIRT AND ERNIE.
SCREW THE RECESSION -- THAT GIRL WAS ALW IN BUSINESS.
SHE WAS HOTTER THAN AN OVEN ON THE SUN.
SHE WAS ALWAYS SEXTING THESE INCREDIBLE HUNKS, LIKE JOSH.
I THOUGHT HE WAS A HOMO-SKILLET, BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE
TITO PUENTE.
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO ZEN, JANET WAS MY "B" TO THE DOUBLE "F"
POWER, AND I'M GONNA MISS HER LIKE DEMEANOR ELLIOT.
YOU KNOW, JANET WAS MY FASHIONISTA SISTER.
SHE HAD THIS ONE TUBE TOP.
THE THING MADE HER LOOK LIKE A PIXY STICK SMUGGLING
VOLLEYBALLS SMUGGLING GRAPES SMUGGLING CRAISINS.
SO, PUT YOUR MITTS TOGETHER AND MAKE SOME ALFRED.
ALFRED NOYES -- THE POET.
MAKE SOME NOISE.
ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT LIKE SLAP BRACELETS.
PEACE IN THE MIDDLE YEAST INFECTION.
[ ALL GASP ] SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP ALREADY!
MOM, WHY IS DIABLO CODY HERE?
DID YOU EVEN READ MY SUICIDE NOTE?
[ UP-TEMPO '60s MUSIC PLAYS ] [ CHUCKLES ]
MOST OF US WILL DIE IN VIETNAM, BUT AT LEAST IT'LL TEACH AMERICA
A VALUABLE LESSON ON FIGHTING NEEDLESS WARS.
[ VIDEO-GAME THEME MUSIC PLAYS ] ALL RIGHT.
[ CHUCKLES ] COME ON!
OH!
NO!
YOU CONTRA BASTARDS!
OR ARE WE THE CONTRAS?
I NEVER GOT THAT.
[ BEEPING ] I'M BACK!
BLUE PANTS! YOU'RE ALIVE?!
I GUESS SO.
MAYBE WE'RE IMMORTAL.
LET'S FIND OUT.
AAH!
[ BEEPING ] Both: "GROUNDHOG DAY" [BLEEP]
YOU WANT TO KILL ME, BUT YOU CAN'T!
LOW HAND, HIGH HAND, AND POKE YOU IN THE PEEPERS!
HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
GIVE ME A HAND.
OOH! BOOM ON YOUR HELMET!
♪ DOING THE RUNNING MAN ♪ RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN
WALL OF SPIKES!
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
EXCUSE ME, SOLDIER, I WAS WONDERING --
OH, YEAH!
BOOM DIGGITY!
BALLSVILLE!
OH, YOUR PELLET HURT ME!
WELL, WE'LL SHOOT THAT ONE, AND THAT ONE EXPLODES, AND THE
OTHER ONE EXPLODES, AND WE'RE LEFT WITH NOTHING.
WHY IS THIS BRIDGE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE?
CHECK IT OUT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?
A STRANGE MONSTER FOR THIS INDUSTRIAL WASTELAND.
Both: GO, CONTRA-A-A-A!
HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
OH, IS THIS A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE?
OH, NO -- A GRENADE!
OH, GRAB THE KIDS!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA -- WAIT A MINUTE!
I'M IMMORTAL [BLEEP] WAIT.
HEY.
NO!
WHAT KIND OF SICK [BLEEP] GIVES A MAN EXACTLY 30 LIVES?
[ BEEPING ] YOU THINK A GROUP OF CHILDREN
CAN STOP ME?
COME TASTE MY MAGIC AND KNOW OBLIVION!
YOU MAY BE STRONGER, VENGER, BUT WE'RE ON THE SIDE OF RIGHT,
AND THAT MAKES THIS BATTLE AS LOPSIDED AS YOUR HELMET.
MY HELMET? WHAT ARE YOU -- OH, YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
I'VE ONLY HAD THIS HELMET FOR TWO MONTHS.
Y-YOUR RUSE WON'T WORK, VENGER.
FACE US!
WILL YOU SHUT UP AND HELP ME LOOK FOR MY HORN?!
A-ARE ONE OF YOU STANDING ON IT?
UHH...
W-WHAT?!
HOW WOULD WE BE STANDING ON IT?
I DON'T KNOW, DIANA.
BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHEN I LEFT HOME THIS MORNING, I HAD TWO
[BLEEP] HORNS ON MY HEAD.
L-LOOK, I-I'M SORRY.
THE HELMET WAS A GIFT FROM SOMEONE WHO ISN'T WITH US
ANYMORE.
SO IF I'M FREAKING OUT, IT'S JUST --
NO, NO.
WE'LL...HELP YOU LOOK FOR IT.
T-THANKS, GUYS.
JUST...THANKS.
TODAY, A BLOND, WHITE GIRL WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED.
HOT, HOT FILM AT 11:00.
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAH!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
WELL?!
DO -- DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?
ANYTHING?
WELL, I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY, SO...
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] SO...GOOD NIGHT.
OH, WHAT?
LIKE WE ALL HAVE TO BE ASSHOLES?
[ WHIMPERS ] YOU WILL PAY FOR COBRA!
OR YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM THIRD-PARTY HEALTH-INSURANCE
PLANS, BOTH PPOs AND HMOs.
All: COBRA!
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] [ THUNDER CRASHES ]
BEWARE, GOTHAM CITY.
NOTHING CAN STOP THE JOKER!
[ CACKLES ] [ SCUFFLING, BOTH SCREAMING ]
[ SCREAMING ] [ SCREAMING ]
NO!
ONE MORE PUNCH WOULD KILL YOU.
AND I WON'T KILL YOU.
THAT SOMEHOW MEANS I WIN.
I GO TO JAIL, ESCAPE, KILL PEOPLE, GO TO JAIL, RINSE AND
REPEAT.
YES, IT'S AN ENDLESS CYCLE.
BUT I'VE SWORN TO LET THE COURTS DO THEIR WORK.
WHAT TO DO?
HMMMMMMMMMM.
AND DUE TO THE PERSUASIVE TESTIMONY OF THE BATMAN -- THANK
YOU, BATMAN -- THE COURT HAS DECIDED UPON THE DEATH PENALTY.
IT'S, UH...IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.
MAURICE P. JOKER, FOR 2,391 COUNTS OF MURDER AND MANY OTHER
CRIMES THAT SEEM MINOR NEXT TO 2,391 COUNTS OF MURDER, YOU HAVE
BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH.
HAVE YOU ANY LAST WORDS?
I KNOW JESUS HAS FORGIVEN ME.
IS THAT A JOKE?
[ SOBS ] NO!
HERE WE GO!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] [ SCREAMING ]
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] [ ALL GASP ]
KEEP GOING UNTIL HE'S DEAD.
IT WOULD BE MONSTROUS TO STOP NOW.
[BLEEP] YOU, DORK KNIGHT!
[ SCREAMING STOPS ] D'OH! OH! UH-OH!
[ CRACKLING STOPS ] AAAAAAH!
[ ALL SCREAM ] OH, I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW.
I-I...DIDN'T KNOW.
WAIT.
BUT WHY?
FOR BARBARA.
[ LAUGHS ] HUH?
AAAAAH!
[ CHUCKLES ] "EEEEEE!"
GO, GORDON! GO, GORDON!
THIS IS HAL LEXINGTON FOR THE 8:00 NEWS, SAYING HAVE A GREAT
NIGHT, AND [BLEEP] YOU, DAD.
[BLEEP] YOU.
OH, COMPUTER!
YOUR REAL NAME SHOULD BE "PORN FUNNEL."
I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN YOU, BUT ONLY COLLECTIVELY.
ON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY...
[ YAWNS ] ...INDIVIDUAL FAMILY MEMBER.
IT'S TRUE.
[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOSH.
I'M INSIDE THE COMPUTER!
WE MUST FIGHT THE MASTER-CONTROL PROGRAM.
[ GASPS ] WOW!
YOU'RE THE TOPLESS GIRL FROM "CADDYSHACK"!
I AM YORI.
YOU'RE LACEY UNDERALL!
[ LAUGHS ] UNDERALLS ARE STOCKINGS.
GOOD PUN, MR. RAMIS.
DANG IT!
YOU FOOL!
IN MY REAL LIFE, I'M A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER, SO I HAVE A HUGE
ADVANTAGE HERE.
BUT YOU THROW A FRISBEE LIKE A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER, SO THAT'S
NOT GREAT.
[ Echoing ] WE LOST OUR FRISBEES!
OH, DOES THAT MEAN WE TIED?
COOL! A GLOW STICK!
WE CAN PRETEND WE'RE AT A RAVE!
[ IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC ] HEY, LADIES.
[ IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC ] LET'S DRINK SOME SHOTS!
UGH. PLEASE SHUT UP.
OH, MY GOSH! LIGHT CYCLES!
YES! YES! YES!
IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!
YOU REALLY CAN PEE YOUR PANTS AND HAVE AN ERECTION AT THE SAME
TIME!
LOOK AT ME!
I'M THE OPENING CREDITS TO "FRASIER."
♪ SCRAMBLED EGGS YOU'RE SCREWED NOW, NERD!
OUR LIGHT CYCLES NEVER CRASH!
OH, REALLY?
TRY INSTALLING THIRD-PARTY SOFTWARE OF ANY KIND.
I'M DOWNLOADING SHAREWARE RIGHT NOW.
AAAAAAAGH!
[ TIRES SCREECH ] GOODBYE, EVIL STAPLE REMOVER!
WHOA!
THE MASTER-CONTROL PROGRAM!
BEHOLD, OUTSIDER.
BEHOLD HOW HIGH-TECH I AM.
UH, WELL, I GUESS.
I MEAN -- WHY, IT WOULD TAKE NOTHING
SHORT OF PING-PONG BALLS TO DEFEAT ME!
[ BEEP ] OH, YEAH, I FORGOT HOW MUCH
THIS PART OF THE GAME SUCKED.
[ BEEPING ] OH, NO!
ARE YOU SOME KIND OF GOD?
I GUESS.
COMPUTERS WILL STILL RULE HUMANS ONE DAY.
OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, COMPUTERS WILL REALLY ANNOY HUMANS ONE
DAY.
JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL THAT ANNOYING KID WITH THE DANDRUFF
FROM HIGH SCHOOL FINDS YOU ON FACEBOOK AND BUGS YOU TO PLAY
KNOCKOFF SCRABBLE TWICE A DAY, AND YOU'LL KIND OF GET HOOKED ON
IT, AND THEN A LEGAL BATTLE WILL MAKE THEM YANK THE GAME DOWN,
JUST WHEN YOUR SCORES WERE REALLY STARTING TO KICK ASS, AND
THEN -- [ BEEPING INTENSIFIES ]
[ CHOKES ] YOU WIN.
YES!
I AM NOW THE MASTER OF ALL COMPUTERS!
BRING ON THE ENDLESS FREE PORN!
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
[ BEEP ] OH, YEAH, I FORGOT --
IT'S 1982.
SO, LACEY UNDERALL, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO PLAY STRIP
POKER FOR REALSIES?
[ CHUCKLES ] ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.