[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> HYAH! HYAH!
I, KRATOS, THE GOD OF WAR, FEED
THE BLADES OF CHAOS WITH THE
BLOOD ORBS OF YOUR SOULS!
[ NEEDLE SCRATCHES ]
>> QUICKLY, KRATOS, PLEASURE
YOUR LOVERS AND RECEIVE A BOUNTY
OF BLOOD ORBS.
>> UH...ONE OF THEM'S A DUDE.
>> WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
YOU'RE IN GREECE.
>> I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A
DUDE!
>> SURELY YOU WOULD AT LEAST
LET HIM WATCH IF I OFFERED YOU
1,000 BLOOD ORBS.
>> THE BLADES OF CHAOS ARE
THIRSTY.
I COULD NOT TURN THAT DOWN.
>> THEN LET'S MAKE IT 1,500 AND
HE GETS TO PLAY WITH YOUR BALLS.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
>> WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED
WHAT YOU ARE.
NOW WE'RE JUST NEGOTIATING.
>> OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
VERY SMUG AND DEMEANING.
>> I'M JUST GONNA THROW THIS OUT
THERE -- 2,000 BLOOD ORBS.
ANYTHING GOES.
>> [ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA WATCH, ARE YOU?
>> ONLY AS LONG AS I NEED TO.
>> EH, NAH.
[ SPLASH! ]
>> SWEETIE, I'M HOME.
HONEY?
SHARON, WHAT HAPPENED?
[ CRACK! ]
>> OH, GOOD. YOU'RE AWAKE.
>> WHO'S THERE?
>> DON'T YOU KNOW?
OH, NO, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW MY VOICE, WOULD
YOU?
'CAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD ME
SCREAM.
NOW YOU REMEMBER ME?
NOT SO FAST!
>> LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
WANT.
>> WHAT I WANT?
I WANT MY LIFE BACK, YOU SON OF
A BITCH!
NOW SIT DOWN.
HAVE A BITE.
>> I'M NOT -- I'M NOT HUNGRY.
>> AND I'M NOT ASKING.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?
>> UH-HUH.
>> A NICE PIECE OF FISH?
I GUESS I WASN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR
YOU, WAS I?
SO YOU TAKE AND YOU TAKE AND
YOU TAKE AND YOU DON'T CARE WHO
YOU HURT ALONG THE WAY.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!
I DIED THAT DAY!
>> BUT TH-TH-THAT WAS JUST
THIS MORNING.
>> TAKE A [BLEEP] BITE.
MMM. GOOD, HUH?
>> SHARON!
>> AT LEAST THE SHARKS MAKE IT
QUICK.
YOU CAN'T BLAME 'EM 'CAUSE YOU
FEEL NO PAIN.
BUT YOU -- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE STONES TO FINISH WHAT YOU
STARTED.
>> THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
[ ZAP! ]
[ GUNSHOT ]
OW! [BLEEP]
>> HELLO!
WELCOME TO MY PIPE STORE, SIR!
>> HEY!
YOU'RE THE WHITE RAP KID FROM
90210!
YOU'RE BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN,
RIGHT?
>> WELL, I USED TO BE AN ACTOR,
BUT NOW I'M FOLLOWING MY TRUE
LOVE -- PIPES!
>> OH, YEAH!
NOW THAT SIGN MAKES A LOT MORE
SENSE!
>> NOW, CAN I HELP YOU FIND A
PIPE?
>> HEY, SAY, DIDN'T YOU USED TO
DATE MEGAN FOX?
>> THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I TOLD YOU, MAN -- PIPES ARE
MY ONE TRUE LOVE.
[ HORNS HONKING ]
>> I NEED A BOX TO SHIP SOME
ANTIQUES.
>> I'M SURE I CAN HELP YOU WITH
THAT.
>> HEY, YOU'RE MEGAN FOX, THE
ACTRESS.
>> FORMER ACTRESS.
BOXES ARE MY LIFE NOW.
>> DIDN'T YOU USED TO DATE
THAT, UH, AUSTIN GREENBRIAR OR
WHOEVER?
>> BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN, YEAH.
BUT THESE DAYS, BOXES ARE MY
ONE TRUE LOVE.
>> EXCUSE ME, MISS, DO YOU
HAVE ANY BOXES THAT WOULD FIT...
MY HEART?
>> WELL, I KNOW WHEN I'M A THIRD
WHEEL!
>> YOU MEAN ALL THIS TIME, YOU
WERE RUNNING B.A.G. PIPES NEXT
DOOR?
>> YOU'RE THE OWNER OF
FOX'S BOXES?
>> I GUESS, THAT SOME THINGS ARE
JUST MEANT TO BE.
>> ♪ AND ALL THIS TIME, I NEVER
SAW THE LIGHTHOUSE ON YOUR
HEART ♪
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> AND TOGETHER, THEY FORMED THE
MOST SUCCESSFUL PIPE-SHIPPING
COMPANY IN THE UNITED STATES.
YEAH, WELL, THAT ENDS THE
46th AND FINAL SEASON OF
"MASTERPIECE THEATRE."
TOWARD THE END, I BECAME VERY
CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT THIS SHOW
WAS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH, AND
QUITE HONESTLY, PBS VIEWERS GREW
OUTRAGED THEIR PLEDGE MONEY WAS
FUNDING IT.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT I'LL DO WITH
MY CAREER IN THE MONTHS AND
YEARS TO COME, BUT I CAN
GUARANTEE YOU I WON'T BE
BOOK-ENDING TALES ABOUT
BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN RUNNING A
[BLEEP] PIPE STORE.
OH, DID I GO OFF-SCRIPT?
DID I RUIN YOUR PRECIOUS TAKE,
YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK?
BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN CAN SWING
FROM MY BALLS.
GET A GOOD GRIP, BRIAN!
YOU'VE DESTROYED
"MASTERPIECE THEATRE"!
YOU [BLEEP] DESTROYED IT!
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
>> SO, UH, WE STILL HAVE A LOT
OF THOSE TOTE BAGS LEFT.
>> YOU KILLED ME, BILLY!
>> ONE DAY, MY SON, ALL THIS
WILL BELONG TO YOU!
WHAT'S THIS?
IT MUST BE A SIGN FROM THE GODS!
THEY ARE SHOWING US FAVOR!
OOH -- THAT'S A LITTLE WARM.
[ SCREAMING ]
>> FATHER!
[ Crying ] WHY? WHY? WH-Y-Y-Y?!
>> [ YAWNS ]
>> HEY, CHECK IT OUT, BABY!
YOU'VE GOT AN ADMIRER.
>> OH, WOW [CHUCKLES] THAT'S
GREAT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET OVER THERE AND TALK TO HER!
>> HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED SHE LOOKS
EXACTLY LIKE ME, BUT IN DRAG?
>> SO?
>> WHAT AM I, A [BLEEP]
NARCISSIST?
I NEED TO LOOK AT MYSELF WHILE
I'M BUSTING A -- OH, GOD, SHE'S
COMING OVER.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS!
I'M A HIDEOUS WOMAN!
[ BLINK! BLINK! ]
WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> WELL, I GUESS THE
DAILY PLANET'S A [BLEEP] iPad
APP NOW.
I'M OUT ON MY ASS 'CAUSE I NEVER
LEARNED PHOTOSHOP.
>> CLARK, YOU IDIOT!
>> I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT LAYERS,
LOIS -- SUE ME!
>> NO!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME
TO TiVo "TOP CHEF."
>> OH, I GUESS I DIDN'T HEAR
YOU.
>> BUT YOU CAN HEAR A BOY
SCOUT GETTING BAD-TOUCHED 600
MILES AWAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
DO THAT THING WHERE YOU FLY
AROUND THE EARTH REALLY FAST AND
GO BACK IN TIME!
>> OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA TRAVEL
THROUGH TIME FOR "TOP CHEF."
>> DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE,
CLARK?!
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE SHOW,
BUT I HATE TO COOK, WHICH IS SO
WEIRD, RIGHT?
>> THERE YOU ARE.
>> CLARK?
>> LOOK, IF I DON'T REMIND YOU
TO TiVo "TOP CHEF," YOU'RE GOING
TO FORGET --
>> YOU REALLY THINK I'M STUPID,
DON'T YOU?
>> NO, NO, I -- CAN I GET A
MOMENT PLEASE?
LOOK, SWEETIE, YOU SENT ME BACK
IN TIME TO REMIND YOU --
>> WELL, YOU EMBARRASSED ME.
GO BACK AND DO IT RIGHT!
>> I REALLY SHOULDN'T --
>> OH, RIGHT, SO YOU'LL GO BACK
IN TIME FOR FUTURE LOIS BUT YOU
WON'T DO IT FOR ME?
>> [ SIGHS ] I WILL DO IT FOR
YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ] UP AND AWAY.
>> LOIS, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?
>> ARE YOU CHECKING UP ON ME?
YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME, CLARK!
>> NO, NO, SWEETHEART, LOOK,
YOU FORGOT TO TiVo "TOP CHEF,"
SO I WENT BACK IN TIME AS A --
>> OH, WELL, YOU'LL GO BACK IN
TIME FOR SOME STUPID TV SHOW BUT
NOT FOR ME?
>> BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN --
[ GROANS ] GIVE ME A SECOND.
>> HEY!
>> YOU'RE ME!
>> THAT'S RIGHT, FROM THE
FUTURE.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA TELL
LOIS ABOUT "TOP CHEF."
>> BUT SHE'S GONNA TAKE IT THE
WRONG WAY AND HAVE A [BLEEP]
FIT?
I -- I ALREADY KNEW WHAT WAS
GOING TO HAPPEN, DIDN'T I?
>> Both: I'M IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL
RELATIONSHIP.
>> I JUST NEEDED TO TALK IT
OUT...
>> Both: WITH SOMEONE I TRUSTED.
>> SWEET MARY AND JOSEPH!
I AM AN ATTRACTIVE MAN.
>> SO, YOU THINKING WHAT I'M
THINKING?
>> OH, GOD! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
>> UGH -- LIKE NAILS ON A
CHALKBOARD.
>> I WAS JUST THINKING THAT.
>> Both: JINX!
>> BUY ME A COKE!
>> YOU BUY ME ONE!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5!
>> Both: JINX!
BA-DA-BAP, BA-DA-BAP, SUPERMAN!
>> HMPH.
PLAY THE PIPE CONES.
[ HIGH-PITCHED TONES PLAY ]
[ DEEP TONES PLAY ]
[ FAST DEEP TONES PLAY ]
>> WELL, THAT'S A LOT BETTER
THAN OUR SONG, STEVE.
>> THEY'RE PLAYING A CRUNCHY
TUNE!
WE'RE GETTING EMBARRASSED OUT
HERE!
[ HIGH-PITCHED TONES PLAY ]
[ DEEP-BASS TONES PLAY ]
>> THEY'VE GOT A BACKBEAT!
BRING IN THE SNARE!
REPEAT -- BRING IN THE [BLEEP]
SNARE!
[ SNARE DRUM, TONES PLAY ]
SING ME A HOOK!
>> UM, UH --
>> THAT'S AN ORDER!
>> ♪ LOOKIN' AT A U.F.O. -- ♪
>> YOU'RE A [BLEEP]
EMBARRASSMENT!
[ Rapping ] ♪ I WORK AT THE
ARMY, AND I'M HERE TO SAY I LOVE
UNCLE SAM IN A MAJOR WAY ♪
[ HISSING ]
>> [ Rapping ] ♪ COMIN' FROM THE
STARS ABOVE WITH SOME SPACED-OUT
ALIEN LOVE ♪
♪ OPEN WIDE, HERE COMES OUR
NUTS ♪
YEAH, MOTHER [BLEEP]!
DEVIL'S TOWER REMIX!
>> [BLEEP] I'M GOING IN!
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> BREAK BEAT!
>> I NEED BACK UP!
>> [ Rapping ] ♪ ON YOUR KNEES,
BEGGIN' PLEASE FOR ME TO
DECREASE MY PACE ♪
♪ BEFORE I BLAST AND LACE YOUR
FACE WITH MY SUPERIOR BASS ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT NO LUCK ♪
♪ SO SORRY, CHUCK ♪
♪ TELL YOUR WHOLE WORLD TO
BRACE, 'CAUSE ME AND MY
INTERGALACTIC B-BOYS ARE GONNA
NUT ON YOUR WHOLE RACE! ♪
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> WELL, NOT YOUR MUSIC, THAT'S
FOR SURE.
>> LOOK, WE ALL SAW WHAT JUST
HAPPENED.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DICK
ABOUT IT.
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.