[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
>> GENTLEMEN, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE MUST NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM.
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
>> DALLAS, 1963!
THERE IS A CAT!
MOSCOW, 1991!
THERE IS A CAT!
HERE ARE SOME STAIRS!
THERE IS A CAT!
NEW ORLEANS, 2005!
THERE IS A CAT!
>> SO, WHAT WE'RE SEEING IS THAT
WE'RE BEING OBSERVED OR
MANIPULATED BY A CAT.
>> OR A NUMBER OF CATS.
>> WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
>> NOTHING!
YOU CAN DO NOTHING!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> All: GOODBYE, HARRY!
>> [ GRUNTS SADLY ]
[ GRUNTS LOUDLY ]
>> OH, MY GOD!
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> [ GRUNTS SLEEPILY ]
UGH?
>> OH, HI, YOU'RE AWAKE.
I'M SALLY WILLIAMS.
SORRY ABOUT HITTING YOU.
>> OH, UH-HUH.
>> AND THEN MY SECOND BOYFRIEND
EVER, LORENZO, WHAT AN EGOMANIAC.
I MEAN, ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS LACROSSE.
WHY DON'T GUYS CALL YOU BACK
THE NEXT DAY?
>> [ GROANS ]
>> I MEAN, I AM SO TIRED OF PLAYING GAMES.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME LAUGH?
>> UNH?
>> HOW GUYS DON'T KNOW WHEN
WOMEN ARE FAKING ORGASMS.
>> HUH?
>> [ SCOFFS ] YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
[ Moaning ] OH! OHHHH! OHHHHH!
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> OH! OH!
>> [ GRUNTS FURIOUSLY ]
>> OH, WHOA!
OKAY, HARRY, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
OKAY.
OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
>> [ PANTING ]
EASY. RELAX.
>> AND WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?
>> I'M GOOD.
>> SO, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS.
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS THINK IT'S
WEIRD, ME [BLEEP] A BIGFOOT.
BUT LOVE IS BLIND, RIGHT?
>> [ SNIFFS ]
>> YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NOT GONNA
EAT THAT MEATBALL SANDWICH OUT
IN THE OPEN ARE YOU?
BE CAREFUL!
>> [ GRUNTS ]
[ TONE SOUNDS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ TONE SOUNDS ]
[ BABY COOING ]
>> OH, SHE'S JUST SO PRECIOUS!
WHO'S PRECIOUS?
YES, YOU ARE!
OH! OH. UGH.
>> AHHHHH.
[ TURTLE MUNCHING ]
>> SEE YOU JIZZBAGS LATER!
>> WHEN "LORD OF THE RINGS"
AUTHOR J.R.R. TOLKIEN PASSED ON,
MANY THOUGHT MIDDLE EARTH HAD
COME TO AN END.
BUT RECENTLY RESEARCHERS FOUND
A HALF-FINISHED MANUSCRIPT --
A SEQUEL TO "LORD OF THE RINGS."
WHEN, ON DIRECT ORDERS
FROM TOLKIEN'S WILL,
HIS 6-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON,
J.R.R. TOLKIEN JUNIOR JR.,
FINISHED THE NOVEL AND THE MOVIE
WAS MADE, FANS HOPED
MIDDLE EARTH WOULD RISE AGAIN.
HERE NOW WE PRESENT A
NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN SNEAK PEAK OF
"LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FINAL
JOURNEY."
[ SOMBER FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> OH, MERRY, I MISS
MR. FRODO ALREADY.
>> ME TOO, PIPPIN.
FRODO WAS A DEAR, DEAR FRIEND.
I LIKE TO EAT POOP.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S GANDALF!
[ HORSE WHINNIES ]
>> MERRY, PIPPIN...
WE ARE NOT SAFE!
A DARK MENACE RISES TO THE EAST.
DUCKIES GO "QUACK."
COWS GO "MOO."
[ MOO! ]
I WANT ICE CREAM.
[ OINK! ]
VERILY, WILL YOU HOBBITS JOIN
MY QUEST?
>> Both: YES, MR. GANDALF.
>> WHAT ABOUT YOU,
HANNAH MONTANA?
>> ♪ I LIKE MACARONI
AND CHEESE ♪
>> I WANT POOP!
THESE F-16s WILL TAKE US AS
FAR AS THE ERENDOR RIVER, THEN
WE'LL HAVE TO FIND THE BRIDGE OF
LARAKAEI.
>> QUICKLY!
EVERYONE MAKE JET NOISES WITH
YOUR MOUTH!
[ ALL IMITATING JETS WHOOSHING ]
>> MOO!
>> THE 3-HEADED PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY MONSTER IS TOO
POWERFUL, AND I LIKE TO EAT
POOP, POOP, POOP, POOP, POOP,
POOP, POOP, POOP, POOP!
>> I DON'T WANT TO DO MY
HOMEWORK.
>> LET'S ALL SING "THE MUFFIN
MAN."
>> All: ♪ OH, DO YOU KNOW THE
MUFFIN MAN? ♪
♪ THE MUFFIN MAN,
THE MUFFIN MAN ♪
♪ OH, DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN ♪
[ ZIP! SPROING! ZOOM! ZING! ]
[ CHATTERING AND GROWLING ]
[ MEOW! ]
YOU SHALL NOT POOP, POOP, POOP,
POOP, POOP, POOP!
>> I'M SORRY. WHAT THE --
[ TONE SOUNDS ]
>> [ SCREAMS ]
>> AAH! GET IT OFF!
>> [ GROANS ]
[ GROANING ] UH-OH.
[ GROANING ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
AAAAAH!
[ THUD! ]
WAAAAAH!
[ SMACK! ]
[ PANTING ]
AAAAAH!
[ WHISTLE! ]
AAH! [ GRUNTS ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
AAAH!
[ GRUNTING ]
AAAAAAAAH...
[ SPLAT! CRASH! ]
>> [ SCREAMING ]
[ Dialing ]
>> [ SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE ]
[ BOTH GRUNT ]
>> [ GROANS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ SIREN WAILS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CRASH! ]
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
>> MY NAME IS MURRAY AND AIN'T
NOBODY GONNA TELL ME HOW TO
CONJUGATE VERBS!
>> HI, I'M STEVE.
>> HEY. RACHEL.
>> SO, WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?
>> PHILOSOPHY.
>> OH, LOTS OF DEMAND FOR THAT
IN THE WORKPLACE, HUH?
[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]
>> CLEAR THE AREA!
THIS IS HURT LOCKER.
GOT A GUY JUST STEPPED ON A LAND
MINE.
>> ACTUALLY, MY FATHER HAD A
PHILOSOPHY DEGREE.
>> OKAY, BUDDY.
JUST STAY CALM.
>> OH, HE MUST BE VERY PROUD OF
YOU.
>> THAT'S IT. STEADY.
>> ACTUALLY, HE'S DEAD.
>> OH, MY GOD!
IT'S CLICKED AND READY TO BLOW!
I'VE ONLY GOT SECONDS TO DEFUSE
THIS!
>> "I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT."
>> GOOD.
>> "IT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD."
>> HANG IN THERE. HANG ON.
>> HOW DID HE DIE?
>> HE COULDN'T GET A JOB, AND HE
KILLED HIMSELF.
>> DON'T YOU [BLEEP] MOVE, MAN!
>> [ MUFFLED LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
>> I'M SORRY, MAN!
I'M SORRY!
I JUST WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
>> W-WHAT?!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
>> GET BACK!
>> ROCK BITER?
I'VE LOST MY LUCK DRAGON,
AND I --
>> THEY LOOK LIKE BIG, STRONG
HANDS, DON'T THEY?
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT.
BUT MY LITTLE FRIENDS --
I COULDN'T HOLD ONTO THEM.
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE, BUT FALCOR
NEEDS ME, AND I --
>> THE NOTHING PULLED THEM RIGHT
OUT OF MY HANDS -- MY BIG,
STRONG, GOOD HANDS.
>> YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU TALK
ABOUT HOW GREAT YOUR HANDS ARE,
THE HARDER IT IS TO BELIEVE YOU
COULDN'T HOLD ON TO YOUR
FRIENDS.
>> I WAS HOPING THE SOLILOQUY
ABOUT MY HANDS WOULD KEEP YOU
FROM ASKING ANY QUESTIONS.
>> YEAH, I WAS ALMOST GETTING
CHOKED UP, BUT THEN I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT?
ROCK BITER'S TALKING WAY TOO
MUCH ABOUT HIS HANDS, YO."
>> THEY ALL BULLIED ME PRETTY
BAD.
REPLACE THE "R" IN MY NAME WITH
A "C" AND YOU'RE GETTING A GOOD
IDEA OF WHAT I PUT UP WITH.
YEAH, I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HOLD
ON TO THEM, ACTUALLY.
I JUST WATCHED THEM AND WAVED.
>> I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A
NEVERENDING STORY.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] GOOD ONE.
HIGH-FIVE.
>> NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
>> UH, MEOW.
I NEED A GUN AND MAKE SURE IT
HOLDS NINE BULLETS. MEOW.
>> ♪ I WAS BORN IN THE WORLD
OF VIDEO GAMES ♪
>> ♪ AND I'VE BEEN LONELY
EVER SINCE ♪
♪ EVERYONE'S TRYING TO
SAVE THE PRINCESS ♪
♪ BUT WHO'S GONNA SAVE
THE PRINCE? ♪
♪ I'M THE FIRST PERSON IN
A VIDEO GAME ♪
♪ TO ADMIT I LIKE
THE POLE POSITION ♪
♪ SO I'M CALLING OTHER GAY
CHARACTERS TO JOIN ME IN MY
MISSION TO COME OUT AND SAY ♪
>> All: YOU'RE GAY!
>> ♪ I'M ZANGIEF ♪
♪ WHAT A RELIEF
TO SAY I LIKE GUY-ON-GUY ♪
♪ YOU USED TO WATCH ME
STICK GUYS IN MY CROTCH ♪
>> [ Muffled ] HYUKEN?
>> ♪ AND NOW YOU UNDERSTAND
WHY ♪
>> All: I'M GAY!
>> ♪ I AM CLOUD STRIFE,
DON'T HAVE A WIFE ♪
>> All: ♪ HIS STRIFE! ♪
>> ♪ MY FINAL FANTASY IS
TO WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHES ♪
♪ HOT TUB WITH BROS
AND GIVE THEM MY H.P. ♪
UH, THAT MEANS "HARD PENIS."
>> All: WE'RE GAY!
>> ♪ I'M PARAPPA THE RAPPA,
AND I'M FILLED WITH LOVE ♪
♪ MY FRIEND P.J.
GIVES ME A BIG HUG ♪
♪ AND I SQUEEZE REAL HARD,
AND I "HOLD ON TIGHT" ♪
♪ BUT HE PUSHES ME AWAY 'CAUSE
HE THINKS IT'S NOT RIGHT ♪
>> ♪ PLEASE DON'T JUDGE,
I PACK THE FUDGE ♪
♪ I CHASE GHOSTS
DOWN THE HALLS ♪
YOU NEVER GUESSED? ♪
>> YES!
>> ♪ I'M OBSESSED ♪
>> OBSESSED!
>> ♪ WITH MUNCHING ON
THE BALLS ♪
OOH!
>> ♪ WE'RE FINALLY PROUD
TO SAY "WE'RE GAY!" ♪
♪ PLUG YOUR CONTROLLER IN AND
LET'S BEGIN ♪
♪ TO START A BRAND-NEW DAY ♪
♪ PLAY WITH YOUR WII, GRAB YOUR
Sexbox, GayStation 3 ♪
♪ AND MAYBE YOU'LL SEE THAT
IT'S OKAY TO BE AS GAY AS ♪
>> ME!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK
BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.