[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
NOW, "TOP CHEF: SWEDEN"!
All: BORK! BORK! BORK!
BORK! BORK!
[ ALL MUMBLING LOUDLY ] YOUR CHALLENGE IS --
All: [ MUTTERING ] YOUR CHALLENGE --
YOUR CHALLENGE IS TO PREPARE THE TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN DISH
KNOWN AS LUTEFISK!
BORK!
STEP ASIDE, DUDES.
TIME FOR A SHELL SPIN!
WHOO-HOO-HOO!
TURTLE POWER!
[ CHUCKLES ] [ GRUNTS ]
[ Chuckling ] HEY, HEY.
HEY, DUDES, LITTLE, UH...
[ GRUNTS ] LITTLE HELP HERE!
LEO?
LITTLE HELP!
SO, LOKI'S LIKE, "PLEASE HAVE MERCY!"
AND I WAS ALL, "SORRY, PAL.
CAN'T HEAR A THING IN THIS HELMET."
BA-DA-BOOM!
CHEST-MOUNTED UNIBEAM, BABY.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU IS THE MAN!
GOT A STORY FROM THE FIGHT, JOLLY GREEN?
WELL, HULK SMASH.
AND HULK SMASH.
BUT THEN...HULK SMASH!
NO FREAKING WAY, MAN!
SWEARSIES.
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, WELL, OKAY, SO, I-I
KICKED THIS GUY, AND I SHOT HIM WITH MY PISTOLS.
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT HE WAS, UH, BULLETPROOF AND ALSO
KICK-PROOF.
OH, GOD!
I'M, LIKE, THE LAMEST ONE ON THIS TEAM!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU GUYS KEEP ME AROUND.
OHHHH, YEAH.
♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY [ GASPS ]
♪ MM DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE A CRITICAL COMPONENT OF THIS TEAM.
RIGHT, FELLAS?
ABSOLUTELY, UH-HUH.
YEAH. SURE.
I GUESS WHOEVER WE FIGHT NEXT BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THE
BLACK WIDOW, HUH?!
All: YEAH!
BLACK WIDOW'S GONE NOW, BUT SHE LEAVES BEHIND THE GIFT OF
KNOWLEDGE -- THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU CANNOT DEFEAT
DEMOGORGE THE GOD-EATER WITH A KARATE KICK.
BUT I ALMOST GOT HIM WITH MY ARROWS.
RIGHT -- RIGHT, GUYS?
[ SOBS ] WHAT AM I SAYING?!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU GUYS KEEP ME AROUND!
♪ OOH, OOH, OH, OH, OH OHHH, YEAH.
NEXT THURSDAY ON NBS...
FLATLINE!
WE'RE LOSING HIM!
O-O-O-OUCH!
...A SUICIDE VICTIM WILL BE SAVED...
[ GASPS ] HOORAY! HE'S ALIVE!
DAMN IT! I'M ALIVE!
...BY THE HOSPITAL'S MOST TALENTED PHYSICIAN.
BUT WHEN DR. E.T.'s OLD DEMONS COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM...
I'LL PUT IT RI-I-I-GHT HERE.
HEY, PRICK, THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!
STEP OFF.
O-O-OUCH!
...HE'LL FACE HIS GREATEST CHALLENGE YET.
HE'S DYING.
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING...
DOCTOR.
I'LL BE RI-I-I-I-GHT BACK.
[ METAL CLATTERS, DOOR CLOSES ] HEY, THAT'S MY BIKE!
STEP OFF, BRO.
[ BICYCLE BELL DINGING ]
THURSDAY ON AN ALL-NEW "E.T. -- EMERGENCY TERRESTRIAL."
[ Laughing ] YEAH!
BACHELOR PARTY!
I'M BUYING YOU A LAP DANCE, BUDDY!
[ BELL ABOVE DOOR JINGLES ] YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE, HARRY.
I'M GONNA CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.
DONGUS STOUTUS!
[ SIGHS ] OH, COME ON.
UH, BEEFUS GIRTHUS?
POLEUS MAXIMUS?
AAAAAAH!
[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]
[ CELLPHONE BLOOPS ]
STALKUS MINIMUS!
NOW LET ME SEE WHAT THE FAMOUS HARRY POTTER'S PACKING.
[ CHUCKLES ] [ GASPS ]
WHY DO YOU HAVE A VADGE?
[ VIDEO GAME MUSIC ] [ SPROING! SPROING! SPROING! ]
I-IS HE GONE?
OH, PHEW!
DUDE'S A FUCKING STALKER.
[ GASPS ] THE ROYAL FAMILY!
THEY'RE COMING OUR WAY!
OHH, AREN'T THEY JUST ADORABLE?
GREATEST...MOMENT...
OF MY LIFE.
OH, AND I'VE BEEN TOTALLY NEEDING A NEW BRA.
WHAT ARE YOU -- AAH!
Both: AAAAAH!
[ GASPS ] I WANT ONE!
MOMMY! DADDY!
[ SNAPS! ] CHECK IT OUT -- PASTIES!
AAAAGH!
[ GAGGING ] NOW, GIRLS, REMEMBER, WE'RE
ONLY HERE TO BROWSE.
[ Whining ] DADDY, NO!
I WANT THEM!
YOU HEARD ME!
LET'S GO!
[ Crying ] THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE HOW CRUEL HE IS!
[ SIGHS ] [ CHOKING ]
[ COUGHS ] GODZILLA HAS LEFT THE NATION
IN RUINS!
OH, NO!
CALIFORNIA'S MOST TREASURED LANDMARK!
OH, NO!
CALIFORNIA'S MOST TREASURED LANDMARK DESPITE WHAT THOSE
A-HOLES DOWN IN LOS ANGELES THINK.
GODZILLA IS PULLING SOME HOT STRIPPER-POLE ACTION ON THE
SEARS TOWER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK WE CALL IT THESE DAYS.
WHAT IS IT?
WIL-- WILLIS TOWER?
I'M HEARING WILLIS TOWER.
AND AFTER DESTROYING MANHATTAN, GODZILLA IS FINALLY
HEADED BACK OUT TO SEA.
OH!
TOTAL DICK MOVE BY GODZILLA.
NOWHERE NEAR WATER IS SAFE!
IT HAS NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BE A LANDLOCKED STATE.
TOURISM HERE IN DES MOINES IS THROUGH THE ROOF!
WE'RE ALL RICH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ Dialing ]
THIS IS THE MAYOR'S ASSISTANT, MR. G.
YOUR CHECK IS IN THE MAIL.
HA HA HA HA!
OH, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CASH THIS?
DISNEYLAND IS A MAGICAL PLACE THAT'S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
EVEN TEENAGERS.
BECAUSE AT DISNEYLAND, THERE ARE DOZENS OF SECRET PLACES FOR
YOUNG PEOPLE TO GIVE EACH OTHER HAND JOBS.
COME RIDE "THE MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH."
AND WHEN YOU EXIT, MAKE A LEFT AT THE WATER FOUNTAIN AND FIND
THE PERFECT NOOK TO GIVE OR RECEIVE A HAND JOB.
FILL YOUR HAND JOB PASSPORT WITH STAMPS FROM LOCATIONS LIKE...
BEHIND THE DUMPSTER NEXT TO THE MATTERHORN.
UNDER THE BABY-CHANGING STATION IN CRITTER COUNTRY.
OR UNDER THE PRESIDENT'S DESK IN "GREAT MOMENTS WITH
MR. LINCOLN."
BECAUSE AS WALT DISNEY SAID...
DISNEYLAND IS THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH...
FOR TEENAGERS TO JIZZ ALL OVER EACH OTHER'S YOUNG, ARYAN HANDS.
[ CROW CAWING ]
PRESTO CHANGEO!
UGH, I SAID PRESTO CHANGEO, NOT PESTO CHANGEO!
AND THAT'S WHEN THE FEMALE STARBUCK GOT IN THE SHOWER WITH
ME.
OOH!
BUT FROM THE NECK DOWN, SHE WAS DIRK BENEDICT.
OOH.
AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I STILL HAD WOOD.
OOH.
WATCH ME SCARE THOSE NERDS!
[ GRUNTING ] MUNSON!
MUNSON MIGHT BE GOING TO PRISON.
[ GASPS ] DIRK BENEDICT!
OW!
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
HELLO-O-O-O?
"DON'T DEAD, OPEN INSIDE."
[ LAUGHS ] EPIC TYPOGRAPHY FAIL.
OH, MY GOSH, THAT'S COURTNEY!
AAH!
AAAAAH!
OH, PHEW.
YOU'RE NOT A WALKER.
WHAT? I-I'M NOT A WHAT?
IT MEANS ZOMBIE WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY "ZOMBIE."
IT'S JUST ONE OF THE LITTLE DETAILS THAT MAKES
ROBERT KIRKMAN'S "THE WALKING DEAD" SUCH AN
INTELLIGENT AND ORIGINAL -- AAH!
COME WITH ME!
APOCALYPTIC CRISES TEND TO BREAK DOWN SOCIAL BARRIERS, SO IT'S
TOTALLY LIKELY THAT YOU AND I WILL FALL IN LOVE.
WHOA!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I'M ALL YOURS, BOYS!
AAH!
OH, DANG.
WHAT CAUSED THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK?
LET'S CONSULT THE ZOMBIE BACKSTORY GENERATOR!
"SUPERVIRUS."
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
THEY ALL SAY "SUPERVIRUS."
[ GUNSHOTS ] MUNSON!
THOSE USED TO BE PEOPLE, YOU MONSTER!
DON'T USE THEM FOR TARGET PRACTICE!
WIPE THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR EYES, DICKSTAIN.
THAT'S MY MOM'S CAR!
KNOCK IT OFF!
[ HANDCUFFS CLICK ] UH-OH!
OH, COME ON!
[ ZOMBIES GROWLING ] ALL THOSE GUNSHOTS ATTRACTED
THEM!
WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!
HEY, TURD BURGLARS!
OH, YEAH! THE KEY!
[ GROWLS ] HEY, THROW ME THAT HACKSAW!
THANKS!
MUNSON!
THROW ME ANOTHER HACKSAW.
THERE ARE NO MORE HACKSAWS.
THIS IS ALL WE HAVE LEFT.
HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS HELP ME?
HOW DID THEY GET OUT OF THIS ON "THE WALKING DEAD"?
WELL, ACTUALLY, IN EPISODE THREE --
NO, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME!
I STILL HAVE LIKE A ZILLION EPISODES ON MY DVR!
OH, MAN, I BET THE SHOW HAS TONS OF CLEVER TIPS FOR DEFEATING
ZOMBIES.
WE DO!
Both: WOW!
"WALKING DEAD" CREATOR ROBERT KIRKMAN!
SO...CAN WE HAVE A TIP?
HERE'S A TIP.
SEASON TWO OF "THE WALKING DEAD" IS NOW AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY AND
DVD!
AAH! OW! OW! AAH!
OH! WAIT A MINUTE!
I NEVER WANTED TO SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!
AAAH!
UH-OH.
[ GRUNTS ] EW!
GROSS!
[ ZOMBIES SNIFFING ] IT'S LIKE ZOMBIE CAMOUFLAGE.
JUST KEEP ACTING LIKE ZOMBIES -- NO MATTER WHAT.
OH, HEY THERE, COURTNEY!
MEEEEEEH, MEEEH.
UHHHH...
MEEEEEEEH!
UHHHHH...
[ DISCORDANT TONES PLAY ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GONNA
NAIL A CHEERLEADER TONIGHT!
I WONDER IF ZOMBIE BOOBS STILL FEEL LIKE BOOBS.
I CALL DIBS.
UGH.
ANYONE HAVE A ZIPLOC?
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.
HEY, EVERYONE.
I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE JOKE ABOUT THE PESTO.
I HAD DINNER WITH MY PARENTS THE NIGHT BEFORE AND MY DAD MADE THE
JOKE ABOUT "PESTO CHANGEO!" AND THEN HE SAID, "HEY, YOU
SHOULD PUT THAT INTO YOUR ACT."
AND I SAID, "HA, HA, YEAH."
YOU KNOW, LIKE I'M BEING POLITE.
BUT THEN MY MAMA CORNERED ME LATER AND SHE SAID IT WOULD
REALLY MEAN A LOT TO HIM, SO I CAVED.
BUT THIS IS MY CAREER, YOU KNOW, AND YOU GUYS DESERVE BETTER.
SO, AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS A-TERRIBLE.
I'M-A SO SORRY.