[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
NO! NOT POP ROCKS AND SODA!
YOU'LL DIE IF YOU TRY IT!
AH, THAT'S JUST AN URBAN LEGEND.
[ MUNCHING ] [ FIZZING ]
GEE, BRAIN, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TONIGHT?
THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ] [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ GLASS SHATTERS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ CRASH ] [ SIREN WAILS ]
[ MACHINE GUNFIRE ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]
THOSE UGLY MICE SURE CAN SLEEP A LOT.
YEAH, WE'VE BEEN INJECTING THEM WITH SYNTHETIC PCP FOR
MONTHS, AND THEY HAVEN'T SHOWN ANY AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES AT
ALL.
HUH.
WELL, LET'S UP THE DOSAGE.
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] YES. YES!
[ SLOW-MOTION LAUGH ] TOBY, SOMETIMES WHEN WE HAVE
TROUBLE RECALLING OUR CHILDHOOD, IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE REPRESSING
SOME PAINFUL TRAUMA FROM THE PAST.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TRY TO REMEMBER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
[ CRYING ] ♪ MAGIC PANTS
♪ OH, MAGIC PANTS ♪ THE LOVE I'M GONNA GIVE YOU IS
DEEP INSIDE MY PANTS ♪ IN 9 HOURS AND 23 MINUTES,
YOU'LL BE MINE.
[ LAUGHS ] ♪ THE LOVE I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
IS DEEP INSIDE MY PANTS ♪ OH, IT'S TERRIBLE.
I THINK I CAN HELP.
♪ DANCE, MAGIC DANCE I DON'T -- I DON'T THINK THIS
IS WORKING.
[ LAUGHS ] IT'S WORKING.
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] AND NOW BACK TO
"THE LAND BEFORE TIME."
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ] SO, UH, WHEN'S THAT PARTY
SUPPOSED TO START?
I THINK WE CAN JUST SHOW UP WHENEVER.
THIS HAS BEEN "THE LAND BEFORE TIME."
WELL, HOWDY, NEW FRIEND.
I'M RICKY RECYCLE BIN.
RECYCLE MY ASSHOLE!
IF IT WOULD HELP SAVE THE PLANET, YOU BET I WOULD!
UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR?
NO BOTTLECAPS.
EH, NO BIG DEAL.
RECYCLING IS GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
HEY, THANKS, GUYS.
OH, BUT THIS IS PVC PLASTIC TYPE 3.
I ACCEPT TYPES 1 AND 2 ONLY.
FOR THE LAST TIME, NO DIRTY PIZZA BOXES OR
POLYETHYLENE-COATED COFFEE CUPS.
I'M TRYING, ALL RIGHT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DICK ABOUT IT.
I'M BEING A DICK ABOUT IT FOR THE CHILDREN!
HEY, DIPSHIT WHAT PART OF "CUT UP CARDBOARD
BOXES INTO TWO-FOOT BY TWO-FOOT SQUARES, BUNDLE THEM WITH TWINE,
AND LEAVE THEM OUT ON THE THIRD TUESDAY OF EVERY OTHER MONTH
ONLY" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
SHEESH.
NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE SO GROUCHY.
DO YOU?
I LOVE YOU, LITTLE BROTHER, BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SEEK
MY FORTUNE OUT IN THE WORLD.
GIVE MOM A KISS FOR ME, WILL YOU?
HEY, THANKS FOR THE RIDE.
I'M GOING TO -- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
[ BONES CRUNCH ] NOOOOOOO!
YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL, MAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
[ ALARM BEEPING ] [ CHATTER ]
YOU ARE FREE TO GO.
[ ALARM BEEPING ] [ CLEARS THROAT ]
THE MORNING COMMUTE IS LOOKING SMOOTH AT THE
CRISS-CROSS CRASH INTERCHANGE.
WHOOPS. NO, FOLKS.
A SLIGHT FENDER BENDER IN THE NUMBER FOUR LANE.
I SUGGEST AN ALTERNATE ROUTE.
GRANDPA, WHERE'S THE DELETE KEY ON THIS THING?
[ SIGHS ] WHOA! THAT'S COOL!
I HATE YOUR ENTIRE GENERATION.
AH!
WAIT A MINUTE!
LUIGI, ALL-A THESE GOLD COINS!
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
WHY ARE WE WASTING OUR LIVES IN THE SEWERS?
OUR NEW LIVES ARE STARTING NOW!
[ RAP MUSIC PLAYING ] [ EXPLOSION ]
MARIO, YOUR NEW PLACE IS AWESOME!
[ EXPLOSION ] OH. SORRY, BRO.
HEY-A, NOT TO WORRY.
THERE'S A-PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
ME AND-A MARIO, WE GET-A USED TO THE FINER THINGS.
NOW, ABOUT YOU SHOW ME HOW TO USE THAT-A HONKER OF YOURS.
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
OH, DING-DING-DING!
DING, DING, DING, DING, DING, DING, DING, DING, DING!
NOW I'M-A SLEEPY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] HEY.
YOU GUYS USED TO COME BY ON A PRETTY REGULAR BASIS, BUT I
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AWHILE.
WE TAKE-A THE LADY.
HOW ABOUT YOU ORDER YOURSELF A NICE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE?
[ LAUGHS ] NOW SCRAM, CAPICHE?
[ SIGHS ] YOU-A WERE WAR-VELOUS.
OH, MAMMA FUCKING MIA.
MARIO, THE MORTGAGE, SHE'S-A DUE!
EVERYBODY WANTS A PIECE OF THE MARIO.
[ GRUNTING ] MARIO!
COME ON!
COME ON, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
[ SOBS ] MARIO.
IT'S-A OVER.
HEY, ANY CHANCE YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ME AND PUT ME UP IN YOUR
CASTLE?
NO WAY, PRINCESS.
I'M SPOKEN FOR NOW.
[ TING! TING! TING! ] AND THAT'S WHY DADDY AND
UNCLE LUIGI ARE PLUMBERS AND WE LIVE HERE INSTEAD OF A BIG,
FANCY HOUSE.
SHUT UP-A YOUR FACE!
RIGHT. BIG MONEY. BIG MONEY.
NO WHAMMIES. NO WHAMMIES.
AND STOP!
[ BUZZER SOUNDS ] WE ARE GATHERED HERE IN
REMEMBRANCE OF TED, A TOTAL LOSER.
[ CHUCKLES ] OH, MY OWN FUNERAL.
THAT'S FUNNY.
HERE'S HIS OBITUARY.
"BORN, SUCKED, DIED.
HE'S SURVIVED BY HIS FAMILY.
AND HIS CHLAMYDIA."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I GOT CHLAMYDIA.
BECAUSE I FUCKED YOUR WIFE!
OOPS!
LOOK WHO PUT THEIR COSTUME ON INSIDE OUT.
FUCK YOU, BIZARRO!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
ARE WE, LIKE, UNDER ATTACK?
OH, MY GOD!
LOOK!
ARE YOU GETTING THIS, MAN?
WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN HIS HANDS?
[ GROWLS ] WHERE ALL HUMANS COME FROM?
ME SO SCARED!
IT'S A MADHOUSE!
OH, WAIT. WHITE BALANCE OFF SLIGHTLY.
HEY!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
WE'RE THE SCARED ONES RECORDING YOU!
[ GROWLS ] HUMANS SHUT UP!
ME SELL FOUND FOOTAGE FOR MOVIE!
MAKE SIX FIGURES!
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, YOU MONSTER!
IT'S ABOUT ART!
THAT BULLSHIT ART AND COMMERCE OFTEN
INTERSECT -- AAAH!
OH, NO!
MY FRIEND!
NO! MY CAMERA!
IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN.
IT LOOKS LIKE HORSE.
IT LOOKS LIKE VOLCANO.
VERY GOOD.
YOU GET A LOLLIPOP.
HEY! LOLLIPOP!
I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, COLONEL.
THE THINGS THEY DID TO ME OVER THERE.
TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!
RAMBO, JOHN.
[ Mumbling ] 936-- ALWAYS WITH THE MUMBLING.
YOU SOUND LIKE THIS!
[ BABBLING ] RAMBO, JOHN.
[ Mumbling ] 936-- OH, NO.
NOT AGAIN!
PLEASE!
AND NOW BACK TO WHITNEY.
SEX JOKE TOILET SEAT?
WACKY NEIGHBORS!
NO MORE! NO MORE!
AAAAAH!
YOUR HAIR'S SO THICK AND PRETTY EVEN IN THIS HUMID JUNGLE
ATMOSPHERE.
WHAT KIND OF PRODUCT YOU USE?!
RAMBO, JOHN.
93601-- WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU
TALK.
"TWILIGHT," BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
YOU WOULDN'T DARE.
"I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FUCK A VAMPIRE."
[ GAGGING ] HE'S TRYING TO SWALLOW HIS
OWN TONGUE!
STOP HIM!
YOU'VE BEEN A PRISONER FOR WEEKS, BUT YOU STILL RIPPED AS
HELL.
YOU FOCUS ON CORE?
WHAT'S YOUR ROUTINE?
I WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING.
YOU'LL TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW OR YOU'LL PLAY
"E.T.: THE VIDEO GAME"!
NO! NO!
[ MUSIC PLAYING ] NO.
NO! NO!
NOT AGAIN!
AAAAH!
STOP HIM!
HE'S TRYING TO REMOVE HIS OWN EYES WITH THE JOYSTICK!
[ BABBLES ] YOU MUST FORGIVE MY FRIEND
FOR BEING SO HARSH, MR. RAMBO.
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MORE AT HOME, WE WASHED YOUR BELOVED BANDANA.
WE KNOW IT THE SUM TOTAL THAT SEPARATES YOUR CHARACTER FROM
ROCKY.
NOW PLEASE ENJOY THE FOOD AND MUSIC.
[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ] [ Sung to Rick Astley's
"Never Gonna Give You Up" ] ♪ GONNA NEVER LET YOU OUT
♪ OF MY RAPE DUNGEON YOU GOT RICKROLLED, AMERICAN
SWINE!
[ LAUGHS ] OH, NO!
WILL YOU TALK?
NO.
[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ] NO, NO.
NOT MUMMENSCHANZ.
DON'T MAKE ME WATCH THIS!
GENEVA CONVENTION!
YOU BEARD SO FINELY MANICURED.
YOU MUST HAVE SCULPTING TOOLS.
STOP IT!
WHERE YOUR SCULPTING TOOLS?!
[ GASPS ] OH, PLEASE TELL ME THEY'RE NOT
POOPING IN THAT CUP.
[ FARTS ] OH, GOD. THEY ARE.
RAMBO, JOHN. 936-- OKAY, LOOK, RAMBO.
WE OUT OF IDEAS HERE.
PLEASE JUST TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!
DID SOMEBODY FINALLY LEARN THE WORD "PLEASE"?
THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY!
OUR TROOPS LOCATIONS ARE ON MICROFILM SEWN INTO MY SCROTUM.
I'LL DRIVE.
YOU GUYS GOT ANY GOOD EIGHT-TRACKS?
YOU BET YOUR BANDANA WE GOT GOOD EIGHT-TRACKS.
YOU GAVE THEM OUR TROOP POSITIONS?!
WE LOST THE WAR!
DID THEY HAVE "ZEPPELIN IV"?
YEAH, THAT IS A STONE GROOVE.
THAT IS A STONE GROOVE.
♪ GONNA NEVER LET YOU OUT OF OUR RAPE DUNGEON ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA TELL YOUR FOLKS WHERE YOU GOT TO ♪
WHOO!
♪ MY RAPE ♪ MY RAPE DUNGEON
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH RAAAAAH!
ME SO SORRY. [ SOBS ] TELL ME MOM I LOVE HER.
STOP DOING THAT!
YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT!
[ GROWLS ]