[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
♪ LA LA AND THAT WAS "LA LA LA LA LA-LA
LA-LA LA-LA LA," SMURFING UP THE CHARTS.
BEFORE THAT WE HEARD "LA LA LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA."
NOW, AT NUMBER 84, HERE'S "LA-LA LA, LA-LA LA-LA."
♪ LA LA LA-LA LA ♪ SMURF RADIO
[ GUN COCKS, GUNSHOT ]
[ VIDEO-GAME MUSIC PLAY ] [ BEE ]
[ POP! POP! POP! POP! POP ] [ POWER-UP BEEPING ]
[ VOMITS ] [ POP ]
IT'S TIME TO TAKE DOWN THE MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM!
BUT, TRON, ARE WE POWERFUL ENOUGH?
DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S A NEW PROGRAM ON THE GRID THAT CAN HELP US.
HEY, BASIC!
HELLO.
LET'S SEE.
"10, PRINT, MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM EATS FARTS.
20, GOTO 10."
[ COMPUTER BEEPING ] I DO NOT!
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ANIMATION INTENSITY WITH...
"THE STREET SHARKS"!
IT'S IN-YOUR-FACE, HALF-MAN, HALF-SHARK ACTION THAT'S...
TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE NINJA TURTLES!
THINK THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FOUR ANIMALS TURNING INTO FUN-LOVING
TEENS?
[ BUZZER ] [ Deep voice ] THINK AGAIN!
[ Normal voice ] IT'S ABOUT FOUR TEENS WHO TURN INTO ANIMALS!
[ ROARS ] AND WHEN IT COMES TO FUN,
THEY CAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!
[ Surfer accent ] WHOA!
NOW, THAT'S A FRESH TAKE!
PLUS, YOU WON'T HEAR ANY HACKNEYED TURTLE PUNS ON THIS
SHOW!
All: JAWSOME!
AND IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE STREET SHARKS TO EAT PIZZA OR
MENTION LIKING PIZZA, WELL, BUDDY, I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE
SOMEWHERE TO BE, 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WAIT!
WE LIKE HAMBURGERS!
AND HOT DOGS!
[ ALARM WAILING ] UNIQUE CHARACTER ALERT!
"THE STREET SHARKS," THIS SATURDAY!
IT'S ONE SHELL OF A GOOD TIME -- OH, WAIT.
[ NEIGHING ] WELCOME TO MY BOOK!
WHEN YOU HEAR MY MAGICAL UNICORN NOISE...
[ TWINKLE ] ...YOU'LL KNOW IT'S TIME TO
TURN THE PAGE!
LET'S TRY IT.
[ TWINKLE ] WHAT A LOVELY DAY TO PRANCE
THROUGH THE FOREST.
SAY, DO YOU HEAR VOICES?
[ CHILDREN GIGGLING ] [ TWINKLE ]
THOSE KIDS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN.
BUT I KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE FUN!
[ TWINKLE ] [ LAUGH ]
COME AND GET YOUR CLOTHES, IF YOU CAN!
[ TWINKLE ] WANT TO HAVE FUN LIKE US?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOSE THOSE CLOTHES!
[ TWINKLE ] REALLY! GET THOSE CLOTHES OFF!
[ TWINKLE ] I'M DEAD SERIOUS, KIDS.
[ TWINKLE ] [ NEIGHS CONTENTEDLY ]
THERE YOU GO.
[ TWINKLE ] KNOW WHAT'S ALSO FUN?
LICKING THIS BOOK!
I CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME!
[ VIDEO-GAME MUSIC PLAY ] [ LIGHT SWITCH CLICK ]
OH, THE MONOTONY OF BEING A COBBLER!
I WISH I WAS DEAD.
DON'T WORRY!
WE'LL HELP YOU!
[ GASPS ] THANK YOU!
[ SHING! ] [ ALL GRUNTING ]
[ GROANS ] STILL...BETTER THAN...COBBLING!
[ GROANS ]
OH, IT SAYS HERE PEOPLE ARE STILL READING NEWSPAPERS.
[ WHIR! ] [ SCREAMS ]
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ] THIS HUMAN IS DEFECATING.
FECES IS HARD TO CLEAN OFF OUR MICRO-SERVERS.
WE WILL WAIT UNTIL THE HUMAN IS FINISHED DEFECATING.
[ MUSIC STOPS ] WELL, I CAN'T GO IF I KNOW
YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME!
AND WE CAN'T KILL YOU UNLESS YOU GO.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] PARADOX! PARADOX!
OH, THANK GOD.
[ GROANS, FARTS ]
AND NOW THE HBO ORIGINAL SERIES "BOARDWALK MONOPOLY."
ROLL THE DICE.
TAKE YOUR CHANCES.
THAT'S THE ATLANTIC CITY WAY.
YOU CAN'T BUILD A HOTEL ON BALTIC!
THE HOUSES ARE PEOPLE'S HOMES!
I OWN THOSE HOUSES!
IT'S CALLED A MONOPOLY, BITCH!
THE COMMUNITY CHEST IS YOURS FOR THE TAKING, PENNYBAGS!
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS!
[ GROWLING ] YOU REALLY GONNA FIX THE
BEAUTY PAGEANT FOR ME, MISTER?
NO PROBLEM!
I'M THE CHAIRMAN OF THE -- BRUUU-OHHHH!
AND FOR 2nd PLACE, SHE WINS $10!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT PIG!
I KNEW SOMEDAY IT'D BE YOU AND ME IN JAIL TOGETHER.
NOT ME, OLD FRIEND.
I'M JUST VISITING.
[ LAUGHS ] YOU BACKSTABBING BASTARD!
I CAME HERE WITH NOTHING.
THEN I LANDED ON FREE PARKING AND WON THE POT!
THAT'S NOT A REAL RULE!
IT'S HOW I PLAY!
[ DOG WHINES ]
HEY, LET'S HAVE SEX IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
[ WHIR! ] DANGER!
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
[ Slurred ] MY NAME ISN'T WILL ROBINSON.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
SHE HAS CRABS!
[ UTENSILS CLINKING ] WINE?
I DON'T DRINK...
WINE.
OH.
UH, PERHAPS A BEER, THEN?
I DON'T DRINK...
BEER.
[ Chuckling ] ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW ABOUT A STIFF ONE?
I MAKE A MEAN HARVEY WALLBANGER.
I DON'T DRINK...
W-WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER.
I DON'T DRINK...
WATER.
BOY, YOU'RE RACKIN' UP THE WEIRDO POINTS.
YOU KNOW THAT, BUDDY?
I DON'T LIKE...
YOU.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE YOU!
ARIEL, LISTEN TO YOUR PAPA!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STRAY SO FAR FROM HOME!
BUT, SEBASTIAN, THIS IS NEW YORK CITY, AND WE'RE IN THE
WORLD-FAMOUS EAST RIVER!
THOSE ARE JUST HUMAN NONSENSE WORDS!
THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING!
BUT LOOK AT THEIR TREASURES!
♪ CHECK OUT THESE THINGS ♪ AREN'T THEY COOL?
♪ HOW WOULD YOU SIT UPON THIS TYPE OF STOOL? ♪
♪ WHAT IF THE WONDERS ABOVE ARE CLOSER THAN THEY...
APPEAR TO BE? ♪ ♪ I WANNA BE A NEW YORKER
♪ I WANNA SEE, WANNA SEE 'EM DANCIN' ♪
♪ GOING TO CLUBS UNTIL DAWN, AND THEN THROWING UP INTERESTING
THINGS LIKE THIS ♪ I THINK IT'S CALLED "ADDERALL."
♪ RIDIN' THE SUBWAY, IT TAKES YOU FAR ♪
♪ CENTRAL PARK, BLOOMINGDALE'S, STATEN ISLAND ♪
OR THE PLACE WHERE THIS SHIRT CAME FROM THAT SAYS...
♪ "SLUTVILLE" ♪ UP WHERE THEY WALK, UP WHERE
IT SHINES ♪ ♪ UP WHERE I'M SURE THEIR TEAM
WINS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ UP THERE IT'S STABLE, EATING A
BAGEL ♪ ♪ UP IN NEW YOOOOOOOOOOOO--
[ SEAGULLS CRY ] UGH! UGH!
ONE OF THOSE FLYING RATS JUST SHIT IN MY MOUTH!
I AM ROBIN HOOD.
I STEAL FROM THE RICH, AND I GIVE TO THE POOR!
THIS NECKLACE IS COVERED IN JEWELS!
I'M RICH!
OH, GEEZ.
THAT'S TRUE.
AAH!
[ Crying ] ME BEGGIN' HAND!
HA HA!
NO, WAIT.
IF I STEAL FROM THE RICH, THEY BECOME POOR, AND IF I GIVE TO
THE POOR THEY BECOME RICH!
PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX!
[ VIDEO-GAME MUSIC PLAYS ] [ BEEP ]
[ BURP ] [ WARBLE, BEEP-BEEP ]
TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!
IN A TOWN CALLED LOS ANGELES, PEOPLE FELT GROOVY, FOR THE
LORAX HAD OPENED ONE HELL OF A MOVIE.
THE STUDIO'S HAPPY, THE PARTIES WERE TASTEFUL, BUT POOR
MR. LORAX FOUND IT ALL WASTEFUL.
THIS SUCKS.
HE COMPLAINED, AS THEY TOASTED CRISTAL.
THEY HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING TO ME AT ALL.
THEN OUT POPPED THE MOOLAH, A MARVELOUS CHAP, WHILE THE LORAX
DRONED ON WITH HIS USUAL CRAP.
MY NAME IS THE LORAX.
I SPEAK FOR THE TREES.
BUT THE MUBBULOUS MOOLAH JUST DID ONE OF THESE.
AND, ROLLING HIS EYES, INTERRUPTED...
OH, PLEASE.
OUR PLANET IS FUCKED AND YOU'RE EARNEST AS HELL, BUT THAT
HIPPITY-DIPPITY CRAP DOESN'T SELL.
WE CAN ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, NO MATTER HOW TINY!
HE SAID, AND THE MOOLAH SHOT BACK...
GOD, YOU'RE WHINY.
NOBODY LIKES A SHRILL LIBERAL SHOUTER.
SO I FIXED UP YOUR FILM WITH MY NEW MESSAGE-OUTER.
IT SNIPPED OUT YOUR MESSAGE.
DUDE, MORALS ARE LAME.
THE REAL MONEY'S MADE IN THE MERCHANDISE GAME.
AND THEN, WITH A BIG, MIGHTY ROAR FROM HIS TRUNK, APPEARED
HORTON THE ELEPHANT WASHING HIS JUNK.
OH, LORAX.
...SAID HORTON.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
I ONCE HAD A WHOLE GOODY-GOODY-TYPE SPIEL.
A PERSON'S A PERSON NO MATTER HOW SMALL!
LET ME TELL YOU -- THAT SHIT DIDN'T CATCH ON AT
ALL.
SO I GOT A NEW LOOK, A NEW NAME, SOMETHING BLUNTER.
I'VE RE-BRANDED MYSELF NOW AS HORTON: WHO HUNTER.
FROM THE SHADOWS, THE CAT IN THE HAT OVERHEARD AND
APPROACHING THE LORAX SAID...
WHAT UP, NERD?!
YOU TAUGHT THE KIDS TO RESPONSIBLY PLAY.
BUT THE CAT IN THE HAT SAID...
THAT CRAP DIDN'T PAY!
FORGET CLEANING HOUSE.
I'M STRAIGHT CLEANING UP, GUY!
NOW I'M OFF TO GO HANG WITH JAMIROQUAI.
I'M LIVING THE DREAM, AND IF PARENTS ARE PISSED, THEY CAN PUT
IN A CALL TO MY NEW PUBLICISTS -- THING 1 AND THING
2, THEY'RE BOTH ON MY PAYROLL.
THE LORAX WAS STUNNED.
HOLY CRAP!
WHAT AN A-HOLE!
NO MORE!
...SAID THE LORAX.
NO MORE OF THESE SPEECHES!
HOW 'BOUT JUST ONE MORE?
YOU REMEMBER THE SNEETCHES?
WE ONCE HAD A MESSAGE, AND A GOOD ONE, TOO, BRO.
BUT DID WE GET A MOVIE?
WELL, DID WE?
All: HELL, NO!
WE TRIED TO TEACH TOLERANCE, AND WHERE DID THAT GET US?
SO FUCK IT!
WE'D RATHER MAKE MOUNTAINS OF LETTUCE!
THERE'S MY HOUSE.
IT'S 12 STORIES WITH 40 JACUZZIS, 6 CARS, 19 BUTLERS,
UNLIMITED FLOOZIES.
IT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT, MAN.
IT'S CAPITALISM.
AND THE LORAX RESPONDED WITH GEYSERS OF JISM.
THANKS TO THE MOOLAH, THAT MARKETING WHORE, HE COULD
FINALLY SEE WHAT HE HADN'T BEFORE.
I'LL GET ME AN AGENT, AN ACCOUNTANT NAMED HERSCHEL, A TOY
LINE, A LUNCHBOX, AN IHOP COMMERCIAL.
THEN THE LORAX GOT RICH AND WAS TOTALLY STOKED -- TILL THE
DAY HE CONTRACTED AIDS AND THEN CROAKED.
WHAT?!
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.
GEEZ, I SHOULDA PACKED A LUNCH!