[ ALARM BEEPING ] JUMPING JEHOVAH!
IT'S ONE MINUTE TO CHRISTMAS!
PACK THE TOYS, GET MY LIST, AND IF THOSE FLEABAGS AREN'T
SADDLED IN SIX SECONDS, THEN GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE MISTLETOE
'CAUSE MY BOOT'S GONNA GIVE IT A FUCKING SOLE KISS.
AND WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF MY WAKE-UP CALL?
PACK YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT.
HYAH!
[ REINDEERS WHINNY ] [ CRYING ]
HOLY...LET'S DO THIS!
[ WHISTLE! ] [ WHISTLE! ]
SANTA REMEMBERED ME!
[ SPLAT! ] OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
BOO-YAH! 15 SECONDS TO SPARE.
I FUCKING RULE!
SANTA DANCE.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCK ME.
SANTA'S THE ONE DOING THE FUCKING TONIGHT.
[ GRUNTS ] WHY WON'T THIS THING OPEN?
[ Grunting ] GET OFF OF ME!
AAH! STOP!
ACK, YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!
NO, SANTA. NO!
[ ZAPPING ] AAH! AAH!
YAAHHHHHH!
[ THUD! ] I HATE CHRISTMAS.
[ ALL GASP ] YOU HEARD ME.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE HOME.
BECAUSE THERE'S STILL JEWS EATING DINNER.
I WISH I COULD BE HOME CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS WITH MY
FAMILY, TOO.
I HATE THE JEWS, TOO, HONEY.
OKAY, BYE.
WHEN THAT LUMBERJACK VIOLENTLY CUT ME DOWN, I THOUGHT
"OH, MY LIFE IS OVER."
BUT THEN, YOU WELCOMED ME INTO YOUR FAMILY.
THESE HAVE BEEN THE TWO HAPPIEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE.
[ LAUGHS ] THANKS, CHRISTMAS TREE.
OH, WE LOVE YOU, CHRISTMAS TREE.
MORNING, GORGEOUS.
HEY, WHERE WE GOING?
OH, UM, WE'RE ALL GOING ON VACATION TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS.
AWESOME!
I WANT TO GO TO HARRY POTTER LAND AND TRY THAT
FAKE BUTTERBEER.
YOU'RE GRABBING THE LUGGAGE?
REMEMBER, GRAB THE SUNSCREEN.
[ GARBAGE TRUCK BEEPING ] HOLD UP, THERE.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M ACTUALLY ABOUT TO HEAD TO FLORIDA WITH MY FAMILY.
CAROL! HELP!
JEFF, GET OUT HERE, MAN!
THEY THINK I'M TRASH!
I THOUGHT I WAS PART OF THE FAMILY.
YOU LIED TO ME, YOU BASTARDS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
THINK POSITIVE.
MAYBE SOMEONE WILL JUST USE ME FOR BOOGERS OR NUMBER ONE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT THEM?
SALLY, GET SOME EXTRA TOILET PAPER, OKAY, HON?
WE'RE HAVING INDIAN FOOD TONIGHT.
[ LAUGHS ] OH, NO, NO, NO!
DEAR, WE THOUGHT WE COULD USE THIS AFTER YOUR CHIMNEY
ACCIDENT.
HO! HO! HO!
A CANDY CANE -- HOW THOUGHTFUL.
AAH!
OH, NO.
IT WAS ACTUALLY MADE OF CANDY?
WE THOUGHT IT WOULD HOLD YOU!
OH, WAS THIS LOAD-BEARING PEPPERMINT?
OH, GOD.
I SHATTERED MY TIBIA.
AW, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
WHO'S LAUGHING AT "BIG FOOT" DANNY NOW.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE JUSTIN BIEBER CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL WITH LOVE."
I LOVE YOU ALL.
THIS IS A SONG I WROTE ABOUT CHRISTMAS AND HOW IT MAKES MY
HEART FEEL.
[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ] ♪ FUCK CHRISTMAS
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
♪ I SEE THOSE PRESENTS THAT YOU BOUGHT ME ♪
♪ FUCK 'EM ♪ I SEE THAT RIBBON IN YOUR
HAIR ♪ ♪ I'LL CHOKE YOU WITH IT
♪ MY CHRISTMAS CARD UP ON THE MANTLE ♪
♪ IT'S A PHOTO OF MY DICK ♪ AND ALL THE STOCKINGS HUNG
WITH CARE ♪ ♪ THEY'RE FILLED WITH MY
SHIT ♪ FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
♪ FUCK FUCK CHRISTMAS YEAH!
OOH, OOH, YEAH.
WE NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM WITH DAVID CASSIDY.
CASSIDY WAS A HACK.
BIEBER IS A FUCKING ARTIST.
[ PANTING ] [ CRACK! ]
[ GRUNTS ] [ GUN COCKS ]
[ GRUNTS ] AAH!
YOU'RE A HARD MAN TO FIND, JASON.
[ SIGHS ] THE LIST -- LOOK WHAT IT MAKES
ME DO.
LOOK WHAT IT MAKES ME DO.
[ GAGGING ]
PARCHEESI!
OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
MORE BLOCKS.
YAY.
[ FANFARE PLAYS ] ALL GIFTS PRESENT AND
ACCOUNTED FOR, EXCEPT SNAKE EYES.
HE'S SO HARD TO BUY FOR.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHAT WE ALWAYS GET HIM?
I NEVER HEAR HIM COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
[ LAUGHS ] WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET
A GUY WHO WON'T TELL US WHAT HE WANTS?
THERE IS ONE THING HE WANTS, AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
OKAY, THERE'S STORM SHADOW'S HOUSE.
WE ZIPLINE OVER, BAG HIM, AND GET HIM BACK TO THE BASE FOR
SNAKE EYES TO OPEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.
All: YO, JOE!
TAKE HIM ALIVE!
All: YO, JOE!
OH, BABY, I'M SORRY.
OW! OW!
OHH, THIS IS NOT GOOD.
WE'RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU, MISTER.
YO, JOE!
I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE, MRS. CAGE.
IT ONLY SAYS YOUR CARD IS DECLINED.
I INFERRED THAT YOU WERE POOR.
IT'S JUST -- IT'S BEEN SO HARD TO MAKE ENDS MEET SINCE MY
HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.
CAGE -- WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?
FINISH HIM!
[ GROANS ] OH, RIGHT. THAT GUY I KILLED.
WAIT!
WELL, IF YOU'RE SURE I'M NOT IMPOSING, I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER.
WONDERFUL.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE HAVING JOHNNY BACK.
YOU REMIND ME OF HIM, YOU KNOW?
YOU HAVE HIS HEART.
KANO RULES!
HYAH!
OKAY [GRUNTS] OKAY.
HYAH!
OH.
OH, OH.
UNH-UNH.
[ LAUGHS ] LISTEN, SARAH.
THIS HAS BEEN A PERFECT DAY, BUT SOMETHING I NEED TO CONFESS.
[ SIGHS ] I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S -- IT'S JOHNNY'S HEART.
I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM.
KANO, THIS ISN'T A HEART.
IT'S NOT?
SO HE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT MY APPENDIX.
[ ALL LAUGH ] CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
HE ACTUALLY SAVED MY LIFE, QUITE FRANKLY.
[ LAUGHS ] [ SMOOCHES ]
OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY!
CHRISTMAS! YAY!
♪ JINGLE BELLS, MOM'S IN TEARS, WHAT IS GOING ON? ♪
EVERYBODY, BE COOL.
WE'VE JUST BEEN ROBBED!
BASTARDS EVEN TOOK THE TREE.
WHAT COULD THE BLACK-MARKET VALUE ON A RAPIDLY-BROWNING
DOUGLAS FIR POSSIBLY BE?
NO -- NO PRESENTS?
OH, HONEY, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE...
PRETEND CHRISTMAS.
OPEN IT.
IT'S, UH...
IT'S JUST A MINT-ON-CARD VERSION 2 SNAKE EYES FROM 1985
WITH AN AFA GRADE OF 99.
THIS GOT STOLEN?!
AAH!
SWEETIE, YOU DIDN'T OPEN YOUR FRAMED ORIGINAL ARTWORK FROM
G.I. JOE NUMBER 21 WITH SIGNED CERTIFICATE FROM CREATOR
LARRY HAMA!
AAH!
[ Crying ] WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!
[ INDISTINCT CHANTING ] HUH?
JOIN US, FRIEND.
ALL OUR HOUSES WERE ROBBED.
THANKS, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SING AND FEEL BETTER.
[ Laughing ] OH, NO, WE'RE NOT SINGING TO FEEL BETTER.
WE'RE CHANTING TO RAISE THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE FROM THE
DEPTHS OF HELL TO SEEK OUT THE [BLEEP] WHO STOLE MY CHILDREN'S
iPads AND DISEMBOWEL HIM WITH A GIANT FLAMING SPEAR.
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG CIRCLE, DAVE.
THE "CHANT FOR VENGEANCE" CIRCLE IS OVER THERE.
AAH, DAMN IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE STOLEN PRESENTS, THE SINGING RUBES -- I KNOW THIS STORY.
[ GASPS ] THAT MEANS THE THIEF SHOULD
BE...
AHA!
IN HINDSIGHT, RACING UP THIS ICY MOUNTAIN IN A ONESIE WAS A BAD
IDEA.
CAN'T...GO...ON.
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ] OH, SNAKE EYES, YOU'LL HAVE SOME
INSPIRATIONAL WORDS FOR ME.
UH...KIND OF DROPPING THE BALL, SNAKE EYES.
WOW, LARRY HAMA!
YOU CAN DO IT.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
NOT THE MOST ORIGINAL WORDS OF INSPIRATION I'VE EVER HEARD.
LOOK, KID.
I USED TO WRITE A COMIC BOOK THAT WAS BASICALLY WORD BALLOONS
ON A TOY CATALOG.
NOW, IF YOU WANT ME TO READ SOME PASSAGES FROM MY UNFINISHED
NOVEL -- NO, THANK YOU.
GRINCH, COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR
BITCH ASS!
IT'S EASY TO TALK TOUGH TO A VILLAIN WHEN HIS LITTLE BIRD
WRISTS ARE EVEN BONIER THAN YOUR OWN.
[ GASPS ] YOU'RE NOT THE CARTOON GRINCH.
YOU'RE THE STUPID-ASS JIM CARREY GRINCH.
A GRINCH IS A GRINCH, MY LITTLE FRIEND.
AND I'M AFRAID YOUR PRECIOUS PRESENTS --
YOU TOOK THE BEST CARTOON OF ALL TIME, AND YOU PISSED IN ITS
MOUTH!
HEY, HEY, HEY.
LET'S NOT GET PERSONAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
KEEP MY STUFF.
I'M ABOUT TO GIVE MYSELF THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF ALL
TIME.
NOOOOOOO!
[ WHISTLE! ] [ CRASH! ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD --
[ BARKING ] OH, MY GOSH.
THAT LITTLE STOCKHOLM-SYNDROME DOG.
[ WHIMPERS ] OH, MY GOSH!
OH, THESE TOOTH MARKS ARE REALLY GONNA AFFECT THE AFA GRADING,
THOUGH.
[ WHIMPERS ] ♪ LA-BOO-DA-BOO,
BRING US... ♪ EVERYONE, LOOK WHO FELL
THROUGH MY ROOF -- THE CHRISTMAS THIEF!
THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!
[ ALL CHEERING ] WOULD THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
WANT US TO RAPE IT?
IT IS CHRISTMAS.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.