[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
- [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
- IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
- [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ SMOOCH! ]
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ MECHANIZED WHIRRING ]
[ THUDDING ]
- THEY JUST ARRIVED!
THERE'S A FAT KID, A NORMAL KID,
A GREEDY KID, AND A TV WATCHER.
- OKAY, PEOPLE, WE GOT TO WRITE FOUR NEW
OOMPA LOOMPA REJECTION SONGS IN AN HOUR.
- OKAY, WHAT IF, UH, FOR THE FAT KID, WE'RE LIKE...
[ Deep voice ] ♪ DON'T EAT ICE CREAM
♪ OR CAKE OR PIE
♪ IF YOU WONDER, YOU SHOULDN'T ASK WHY ♪
- NO!
- W-WHAT ARE WE SAYING ABOUT CAKE?
- SO, UH, F-FOR THE BUBBLE-GUM GIRL, HOW ABOUT...
[ Deep voice ] ♪ YOU'VE GOTTEN YOURSELF
INTO A STICKY SITUATION ♪
[ ALL GRUMBLING ]
- GOT IT!
WE COMPARE THE FAT KID TO AN ELEPHANT, YEAH?
- GUYS, THAT FAT KID'S ALREADY IN THE CHOCOLATE RIVER.
WE NEED TO GO NOW!
- OKAY, LET'S JUST DO THE ELEPHANT IDEA,
AND WE'LL IMPROVISE THE REST.
- HOO! HOO!
EAT AT HOOTERS!
- NO THANKS. THEIR FOOD'S TERRIBLE.
- YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT OF HOOTERS!
- NO, HOOTERS IS MISSING THE POINT ON HOW TO PREPARE
EVEN THE MOST STRAIGHTFORWARD BAR FOOD.
- WE'LL HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE.
- I AGREE TO NOTHING, YOU DUMB FUCKING OWL!
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILLY!
LOOK WHO SHOWED UP FOR YOUR PARTY.
- [ GIGGLES ]
WHO WANTS A BALLOON?
OH!
- GAME'S UP, JOKER!
- OHH! OHH!
- STOP! T-THAT'S NOT THE JOKER!
UH, THAT'S JUST A BIRTHDAY CLOWN WE HIRED.
- HUH.
THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN YOU'D THINK.
[ CHILDREN CRYING ]
- [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
A LITTLE HELP, BUDDY!
[ CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY ] [ SHOUTS ]
REALLY COULD'VE USED A HAND THERE.
YOU'RE JUST MADE OF STRAW.
[ MONSTER GROWLS ]
- AND SO, THE HOBO-EATING BOXCAR
HAD ENTICED ANOTHER VICTIM.
- PARDON ME, MONSIEUR FOOD CRITIC.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- EVERYTHING!
I'M GIVING YOUR RESTAURANT MY LOWEST MARKS.
- A BAD REVIEW WILL RUIN US, LINGUINI!
QUICK, GET HIM A NEW PLATE!
- [ SHOUTS ]
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
- NO, I'M NOT FINISHED HATING IT YET!
[ ALL GASP ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
- OH, A RAT!
- IT'S A RAT! IT'S A RAT!
- [ SHOUTS ]
[ ALL GASP ]
- A CAT!
OH, SACRE BLEU -- A CAT!
- I'M SORRY!
HE THREATENED MY FAMILY!
[ CAT GROWLING ]
- [ SHOUTS ]
- [ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ CAT MEOWS ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
- HA!
[ CAT MEOWS ]
[ SWISH! ]
[ CAT GROWLING ]
- [ MOANING ]
[ ALL GRUNTING ]
[ CAT MEOWING ]
[ CAT GROWLS ]
[ CAT SCREECHES ]
- [ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ GUNSHOTS ]
[ CAT YELPS ]
[ ALL MURMURING ]
- WHEW! [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
EXCELLENT SHOT, MONSIEUR POLICEMAN.
- AH, YES, BUT EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.
[ DOG BARKS ]
[ ALL CHEERING ]
- NOT BAD!
- [ Singsong voice ] WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY!
WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY!
- All: TEDDY BEAR, TEDDY BEAR, TURN AROUND!
TEDDY BEAR, TEDDY BEAR, TOUCH THE GROUND!
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ BEE BUZZING ]
- WHORE!
- WHEN YOU'VE BEEN OUT HERE AS LONG AS I HAVE,
OUT ON THE PRAIRIE, JUST YOU AND NATURE AND THE SKY,
YOU LEARN THAT IT'S ALL ABOUT ONE THING.
- WHAT'S YOUR ONE THING?
- I FUCK COWS.
- I DON'T GET IT, SAMSON. WHAT IS THE PLAN AGAIN?
- IT'S SIMPLE.
THOSE PHILISTINES MARRIED MY WIFE TO ANOTHER MAN!
SO I'VE TRAPPED ABOUT 150 FOXES
AND TIED THEM INTO PAIRS, TAIL TO TAIL.
NOW I'M GOING TO ATTACH A TORCH TO EACH FOX TEAM,
LIGHT THE TORCHES ON FIRE,
AND LET THE TEAMS OF FOXES RUN WILD
THROUGH THE PHILISTINE FIELDS.
GET IT?
- IT'S STORIES LIKE THIS THAT MAKE PEOPLE
NOT BELIEVE THE BIBLE.
[ FOXES SCREECH ]
- [ SHOUTS ]
MY HOUSE!
- I DON'T THINK PORKY PIG OWNS THAT ESTABLISHMENT.
- WE MUST'VE MADE A WRONG TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE.
- NOW, DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET.
- WHY NOT?
[ ELECTRONIC WHIRRING ]
[ CHICKENS SQUAWK ]
- DADDY, WHAT'S THAT PLACE?
- THAT'S A MANURE DEPOT, SON,
WHERE MANURE IS PROCESSED AND SOLD TO CUSTOMERS.
- LIKE A POO-POO FACTORY?
- THAT'S RIGHT, SON, LIKE A POOP FACTORY.
- SIR, THAT IS A HOOTERS.
YOU'RE DELIBERATELY MISINFORMING YOUR SON.
- ACTUALLY, I THINK I'M BEING ACCURATE AS HELL.
- TAKE A GOOD LOOK!
80 YEARS AGO, THIS WAS COOL AS BALLS!
[ BELL RINGS ]
NOW I LOOK LIKE A FUCK ASS SHITHOLE!
[ BELL RINGS ]
THE CULTURE MOVES ON, MY FRIENDS.
THE CULTURE MOVES ON.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
- PARTY WEEKEND AT THE CABIN!
LET'S ALL TOSS A FOOTBALL AROUND!
- I SAY WE ALL GET HIGH, YO!
- I REALLY HAVE SOME STUDYING TO DO!
- LET'S ALL HAVE SEX!
- I'M NOT HAVING SEX UNTIL I FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
MM!
- WOW, NOW, THOSE ARE SOME
EFFICIENT CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS.
- WELL, WHEN YOU'RE MAKING ENTERTAINMENT
TO APPEASE THE GODS, YOU GOTTA BE CLEAR ABOUT IT.
- H-HANG ON. WHAT'S THIS ABOUT GODS?
- YEAH, IN THE OLD DAYS,
A SIMPLE HUMAN SACRIFICE WOULD DO,
BUT THE GODS GOT MORE SOPHISTICATED OVER TIME.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
ISN'T THIS EXACTLY LIKE THAT JOSS WHEDON MOVIE
"CABIN IN THE WOODS"?
- CO-WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY DREW GODDARD.
- OH, I THINK I HEAR ROGER EBERT,
BUT HE CAN'T TALK ANYMORE,
SO WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
[ BEEP ]
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
- I BET THAT BASEMENT IS A GREAT PLACE TO GET HIGH!
- OH, MAYBE THERE ARE SOME FOOTBALLS DOWN THERE.
- OR BOOKS FOR READING!
- OR A PLACE TO GET OUR BONE ON!
- OR A PLACE TO KEEP OUR PENISES FLACCID
AND OUR VAGINAS DRY!
- ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE GODS,
AND YOU GUYS ARE IN CHARGE OF IT?
- THERE ARE LOTS OF GODS.
- BUT CURRENTLY, ONLY ONE GOD NEEDS APPEASING.
- IT'S ALIVE!
- WELL, G-GUYS THAT GOD LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE
THE AVERAGE [adult swim] VIEWER.
- DOES HE, OR DO [adult swim] VIEWERS LOOK LIKE HIM?
- [ SIGHS ] THE POINT IS,
NO ONE PANDERS TO [adult swim] VIEWERS THE WAY WE DO.
THE CELLAR IS FILLED WITH TALISMANS.
WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE, THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL THEM ALL!
- IF SHE OPENS ONE OF THOSE BOOKS,
THEY'LL ALL BE IMPREGNATED BY VAMPIRES.
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ BABY SCREECHES ]
- IF HE OPENS THAT BOOK,
ALAN MOORE WILL BE VERY UNHAPPY.
- [ GROWLING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
- IF HE PICKS THAT UP, THEY'LL ALL BECOME SO BORED THAT THEY --
- HEY, LOOK, A "ROBOT CHICKEN" NERD ACTION FIGURE.
- HI, EVERYBODY! OOH, IT'S SPOOKY DOWN HERE!
YUCK! IS THAT A SPIDER?!
- OKAY, THE SECOND THING THEY CHOOSE,
THAT'S WHAT KILLS THEM ALL.
- WHERE'D HE COME FROM?!
OH, COME ON, GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE TWO NERDS!
OHH!
- [ GROWLS ]
- ZOMBIE JOSS WHEDON!
- [ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT!
SOMEBODY FOUND THE "BUFFY" DVDs!
- GROSS!
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A CHEERLEADING DOCUMENTARY.
- WHY IS JOSS WHEDON A ZOMBIE? - PUNISHMENT.
WE TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS PLACE OVER DRINKS.
THE NEXT THING WE KNOW, "CABIN IN THE WOODS"
WAS IN THEATERS NATIONWIDE.
- PEOPLE WEREN'T NECESSARILY IN THOSE THEATERS.
- WELL, REGARDLESS, WE MADE HIM A ZOMBIE.
- [ GRUNTING ]
[ AX SCRAPING ]
- AAH!
- NOW YOU CUT SHORT LIKE MY TV SERIES "FIREFLY"!
- YOU BASTARD!
WE WERE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER!
- [ GRUNTS ]
- OH!
- THAT'S SHORT-SIGHTED, LIKE FOX EXECS
WHEN THEY CANCELED "DOLLHOUSE."
- BEING CHASED BY A ZOMBIE FILLS ME WITH ANXIETY.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ANXIETY?
GETTING HIGH!
- [ GRUNTING ]
- OH!
FUCK NETWORK TV!
[ GRUNTS ]
IS THE POINT I WAS MAKING EARLIER.
- OKAY, HERE'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY.
THE VIRGIN HAS TO DIE LAST.
- WE'RE 3/4 OF THE WAY THROUGH THIS THING,
AND YOU DROP THAT BOMBSHELL NOW?
- [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
COME ON!
I'M GONNA GET INTO THE HOLE UNDER THE BUSH!
- THE HELL YOU WILL!
OH.
- WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
- UH-OH! - THEY DISCOVERED OUR ZOO!
YOU KNOW, OUR ZOO OF MYTHICAL CREATURES
AND MONSTERS AND ANIMALS THAT --
- THANKS. GOT IT.
- [ SHOUTS ] - AAH!
- WHOA! HE'S SKELETOR!
- ON MY PLANET, YOU WOULD BE NERD-DOR,
LORD OF CRUSTY SOCK MOUNTAIN!
HONESTLY, KID FUCK OFF.
[ BOTH SCREAM ]
- [ GRUNTING ]
- [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
OH, NO, IT'S LOCKED!
- [ GROWLING ]
- TRY PULLING THE SWITCH LABELED "UNLOCKED"!
- WHOOPS! IT TURNS COUNTERCLOCKWISE!
- JUST GO!
[ CREATURES GROWLING ]
[ COW MOOS ]
[ DINOSAUR ROARS ]
- GRR! ARGH!
- WAIT, I FIGURED IT OUT!
WE'RE RE-ENACTING A HORROR MOVIE!
THE VIRGIN ALWAYS DIES LAST.
- Both: SO I GUESS I'M NEXT!
WAIT, YOU MEAN YOU'RE A -- ME TOO!
- WOW, IT'S LITERALLY FUCK OR DIE!
SO...
- I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
[ POUNDING ON DOOR ]
- GRR! ARGH!
- OH! OH!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
SO, I PUT THIS IN THERE?
- YES!
NOW JUST MOVE IT BACK AND FORTH FOR 30 TO 40 MINUTES.
AND FINISHED!
THANK YOU!
- I WAITED 23 YEARS FOR THAT?!
- [ GROWLS ]
- WE WIN!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THEY WON!
- THE EARTH IS DOOMED!
- HOLY CRAP!
SO NOW THAT GOD DESTROYS US ALL?!
- MAYBE NOT! HIS GENERATION IS REALLY SPORADIC
WITH THEIR VIEWING HABITS.
HE COULD CATCH IT ONLINE IN A FEW WEEKS
OR NEXT YEAR WHEN THE DVD BOX SET COMES OUT!
[ BEEP ]
- Both: HI, KEITH. HI, LAZZO.
- YOU DUMBASSES REALIZE YOU'RE CANCELED, RIGHT?
- Both: YES.
- LOOKS LIKE [adult swim] NEEDS A NEW SHOW.
SO, THERE'S THIS SECURITY GUARD NAMED ZEB.
HE'S STRICT BUT FAIR,
AND HIS CO-WORKERS ARE ALL WACKY
BUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
- I'M GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
- ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.