[ WHIRRING ]
[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ WHIRRING ]
Man: IT'S ALIVE!
[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]
Man: MORTALS, STOP THAT!
-DUDE, STOP IT. -STOP IT!
-STOP IT!
-STOP! -YOU STOP!
-NO, YOU STOP!
[ GROWLING ]
[ Lisping ] MY SON, IF YOU'VE ACTIVATED THIS CRYSTAL,
IT MEANS YOU'VE LOST YOUR POWERS.
RETURNING THEM TO YOU WILL TAKE ALL THIS FORTRESS' POWER.
I WILL BE LOST TO YOU FOREVER.
[ GROANS ]
OKAY, SO BE IT, THEN. FINE.
[ TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ROARS ]
OH, HE HAS SUCH CUTE EYES!
CUTE EYES GO FOR $5.00 EACH.
[ ROARS ]
[ BARKING ]
[ GRUNTS ]
IT'S A MIRACLE!
[ GROWLING ]
[ MEN SCREAMING ]
[ SPLAT! ]
[ TRIUMPHANT MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ SNARLING ]
[ ROARS ]
OH, I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE BLOWN OUT THAT YANKEE CANDLE!
I JUST WANTED IT TO SMELL LIKE CLEAN COTTON WHEN I GOT BACK.
AT FIRST, I WAS JUST DOING IT BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY.
NOW I'M STARTING TO THINK
MAYBE I'M ACTUALLY A SHEEP TRAPPED IN A WOLF'S BODY.
BAA!
IT FEELS RIGHT.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING ]
OKAY! THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR.
GOT IT!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I REALIZE THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE,
BUT COULD YOU NOT JUMP OUT THE WINDOW UNTIL WE'RE READY?
HEY, STAN, DON'T YOU LIVE IN THIS BUILDING?
I USED TO. MARCY KICKED ME OUT.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THAT CHEATING SKANK'S GONNA GET
WHAT'S COMING TO HER
IN THREE, TWO...
[ EXPLOSION ]
OH, RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.
DID YOU DO THIS?!
THAT EXPLOSION JUST CAME FROM MARCY'S APARTMENT!
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHICH APARTMENT IS HERS?
UH, I... I MEAN --
WHAT THE HELL, ARE YOU FUCKING MY WIFE?
UH, I DON'T REALLY THINK THIS IS THE TIME, STAN!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
I CAN SEE YOU'RE IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS THIS.
I STILL LOVE YOU, MARCY!
[ CRASH! ]
I CALL THIS THE BUCK STROKE!
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS,
WHICH IS WHAT MAKES IT SO FUN!
MONEY SHARK!
[ CHOMP! ]
A SHARK B.J.!
UH, EXCUSE ME, MISS, ARE THERE ANY OTHER SEATS AVAILABLE?
I REALLY JUST HATE SITTING RIGHT ON THE WING.
AND WHY IS THAT?
WHEN JET ENGINES FAIL,
THERE'S A SPINNING DISK COMPONENT
THAT'S KNOWN TO TEAR THROUGH THE FUSELAGE
LIKE A FRISBEE OF DEATH.
I ASSURE YOU, YOU'RE COMPLETELY --
[ PASSENGERS SCREAMING ]
I'M GONNA DIE!
I NEED TO MAKE LOVE ONE LAST TIME!
WOW!
THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE
IS ALSO GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
OH, MY GOSH, AM I DEAD?
YOU ARE. WELCOME TO HEAVEN.
WHERE DID THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GO?
WELL, STRAIGHT TO HELL, AS ALL FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DO.
GOSH, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
HOW WILL "GAME OF THRONES" END?
TYRION SITS ON THE IRON THRONE. WOW!
ARYA IS HAND TO THE KING. YES!
DAENERYS MARRIES JON STONE -- NO WAY.
AND THEY TURN CASTLE BLACK INTO A DRAGON ZOO.
OH, THAT MAKES SENSE, I GUESS.
SER POUNCE CHOKES TO DEATH ON A FISH.
OH, NO!
SAMWISE GAMGEE -- OH, SORRY.
SAMWELL TARLY -- COMMON MISTAKE.
ALSO CHOKES TO DEATH ON A FISH. OH!
OH, AND I'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU -- ICE DRAGONS.
OH, MY GOSH! NO WAY!
WHAT WILL "STAR WARS" EPISODE EIGHT AND NINE BE LIKE?
EIGHT'S PRETTY GOOD.
THAT BLACK STORM TROOPER BECOMES A JEDI.
I'M UNDER N.D.A. ON NINE, YOU UNDERSTAND.
SORRY.
But it's wall to wall tits.
OOH!
WHAT ABOUT "AVATAR" TWO AND THREE?
OH, THOSE NEVER COME OUT.
IT'S CAMERON'S "CHINESE DEMOCRACY."
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? NO, WAIT!
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
SIR, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, MY HEAD HURTS. I MUST HAVE BUMPED IT.
WE ENCOUNTERED SOME VERY ROUGH TURBULENCE.
YES, RIGHT AFTER WE ENCOUNTERED THE MILE HIGH CLUB!
THANKS FOR THE FREE UPGRADE TO VAGINA CLASS.
[ ZAPPING ] [ SCREAMS ]
LET'S GET READY TO PLAY
"ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?"
[ CHEERING ]
I'LL TAKE SOCIAL STUDIES.
WHO PUTS GIFTS UNDER THE TREE EVERY CHRISTMAS?
SANTA CLAUS.
DAVE?
YOUR PARENTS, STUPID!
DAVE'S CORRECT!
WHAT? SANTA DOESN'T...
UM, OKAY. LET'S TRY G-GEOGRAPHY.
WHERE DID YOUR DOG GO WHEN HE "GOT OLD?"
MY MOM SAID THAT HE WENT TO LIVE ON A FARM.
DAVE.
THAT DOG IS DEAD.
[ SOBBING ]
OH, B-BIOLOGY.
BIOLOGY, ALL RIGHT.
DOES THE FEMALE ORGASM EXIST?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'M 11!
DAVE.
IT DOES NOT EXIST.
YEP, JUST ASK MY WIFE.
HIGH FIVE!
LOOKS LIKE I'M SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER!
I WANT MY MOMMY.
OH, IT'S COOL, MAN. DON'T WORRY.
I GOT YOUR MOM RIGHT HERE!
[ CHEERING ]
[ GRUNTING ]
AT LEAST FIGURE OUT THE ORGASM THING FOR HER.
JESUS H!
HOW MANY HOOKS ARE ON THIS THING, A THOUSAND?
-LET ME HELP YOU. -I CAN DO IT!
[ MUSIC CHIMING ]
WHAT DID YOU SEE, CLARICE?
LAMBS, AND THEY WERE SCREAMING.
WHAT WERE THEY SCREAMING ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT WERE THEY SCREAMING ABOUT?!
[ GROANING ]
[ BLEATING ]
MAKE IT STOP!
CROSSFIT CHANGED MY LIFE, BRO.
EAT AND PALEO, LITERALLY, IS ALL I DO RIGHT NOW.
I FEEL GREAT.
EXCEPT WHEN I'M GOING T.M. TWICE A DAY,
'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN YOU DO, LIKE, THAT HARDCORE T.M.,
YOU GOTTA BLOCK OUT THE TIME FOR IT.
UGH, DR. PEPPER BLOWS!
MAN, IF I EVER MEET DR. PEPPER, WHOO-HOO-HOO!
I'M GONNA KICK THAT GUY'S ASS!
WHOEVER SAID DR. PEPPER'S A GUY?
WHAAAAAAAT!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BARBIE!
LET'S CELEBRATE! EW!
ARE YOU CLEANING THE PLACE?
HELLO, HONEY?
OH! HEY, BARBIE, THERE YOU ARE.
NO, I'M POLICE OFFICER BARBIE.
LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU KILLED YOUR OLD LADY.
THAT'S CRAZY! I DIDN'T KILL HER.
SEE? HERE SHE IS.
NO, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR, SECRETARY BARBIE --
INTRODUCED IN 2007 -- PROGRESSIVE!
YOU KILLED YOUR WIFE BECAUSE SHE WAS PREGNANT!
BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DICK!
IT'S NOT HARD TO FAKE A MURDER.
BREAK SOME FURNITURE. EASY WHEN IT'S ALL PLASTIC.
THEN LEAVE SOMETHING FOR THE COPS TO FIND.
KEN LOVED A GIRL WHO NEVER EXISTED, A BARBIE DOLL.
ISN'T THAT WHAT ALL MEN WANT?
A BIG-TITTED BLONDE BOMBSHELL
WHO'S AN ARCHITECT/ASTRONAUT DURING THE DAY
AND AN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR IN THE BEDROOM.
OH, BARBIE, OH, YOU CAME BACK!
I WAS SO WORRIED!
I'M NOT YOUR WIFE, DUMBASS. I'M TV REPORTER BARBIE.
AND MY VIEWERS WANT TO KNOW, ON A SCALE OF 9 TO 10,
HOW GAY ARE YOU REALLY?
FINALLY, TIME TO START FRESH.
I'LL TAKE THE BARBIE BEACH CRUISER,
THE LUXURY BATHTUB SET, THE EURO STYLE FASHION PACK,
THE WAVE RIDER, AND -- OH, YEAH -- THE UNICORN.
YEAH, RIGHT. HOW YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT CRAP?
SORRY, HOW AM I GONNA WHAT FOR IT?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
OH, KEN! I'M BACK!
ALL IS FORGIVEN, DARLING!
Shh! If we're quiet, maybe she'll go away.
HOW ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?
NONE OF US HAVE WORKING JUNK.
SHUT UP AND RUB MY LUMP.
Man: STEPHEN HAWKING USED QUANTUM MECHANICS
TO PREDICT RADIATION FROM BLACK HOLES.
BUT CAN HE SEE WHAT MAKES CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH
SO DELICIOUS?!
HELP. MY MANAGER HAS POWER OF ATTORNEY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN COMMERCIALS.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS...
EAT MORE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH!
WHAT IS IT?
I CALL IT THE PIZZA-THROWER!
LOOKS LIKE A TANK.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS A TANK.
CONGRESS PASSED A BILL THAT SENDS ARMY WEAPONS
TO LAW ENFORCEMENT AND ASSORTED VIGILANTES!
RADICAL!
I TURNED THE RADIATOR INTO A BRICK OVEN.
THEN REPLACED THE MISSILE TURRET WITH A PIZZA CANNON!
IMPRESSIVE, DONATELLO.
BUT MILITARY EQUIPMENT IS MORE POWERFUL
THAN NUNCHUCKS AND BOW STAFFS.
MORE POWERFUL MEANS MORE AWESOME!
YEAH!
[ SCREAMING ]
ALL SHALL FALL BEFORE THE SHREDDER!
[ LAUGHS ]
ORDER UP!
SAY HELLO TO MILITARY-GRADE MOZZARELLA!
[ SCREAMING ]
WHOA! THAT WAS EASY.
NOT SO FAST, TURTLES.
TONIGHT, I DINE ON TURTLE --
[ SCREAMING ]
IT BURNS!
HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK, DUDE!
THIS CHEESE IS SO HOT, IT'S INSIDE MY MASK!
[ GRUNTING ]
HEY, STOP RESISTING!
I'M NOT! I CAN'T EVEN SEE!
STOP RESISTING! [ ZAPPING ]
IT'S MAKING THE CHEESE HOTTER!
[ GRUNTING ]
[ SIZZLING ]
HE WAS COMING AT ME.
EVERYONE SAW HIM COMING AT ME, RIGHT?
YEAH, DUDE. TOTALLY.
SO WE SHOULD, LIKE, GO HOME NOW, RIGHT?
WE, UH, STILL GOT A TON OF PIZZA LEFT IN THE CHAMBER, DUDES.
MOVE IT ALONG! TURTLES COMING THROUGH!
THAT CAR'S PARKED IN THE RED, DUDE!
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BREAKING THE LAW!
-THAT KID'S NOT 18! -TAKE OUT HIS CIGARETTE!
OH!
[ GRUNTING ]
ACCORDING TO THIS, HE'S 19.
[ Groaning ] I'M A LATE BLOOMER.
WELL, Y-- YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING!
WE HAVE EXCLUSIVE CELLPHONE FOOTAGE FROM THE INCIDENT.
I MUST WARN YOU, THE VIDEO IS DISTURBING.
[ GRUNTING ]
STOP RESISTING!
I'M NOT! I CAN'T EVEN SEE!
A HATE CRIME AGAINST A MINORITY.
DO THE NINJA TURTLES HATE ASIANS?
WE ARE ASIAN.
ASIAN?! WE'RE ITALIAN, DUDE.
YOU'RE FUCKING TURTLES!
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.