[ Whirring ]
[ Theme music plays ]
[ Whirring ]
Man: It's alive!
[ Thunder rumbles ]
♪ My little pony
♪ What a wonderful world
[ Donkey brays ]
We didn't come here to see you dancing!
Fuck that donkey!
Yeah, blow your load in her face, donkey!
[ Jeering, laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
♪ My little pony
[ Guitar solo ]
[ Rabbit squeaks ]
[ Guitar solo ]
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Car horn honking ]
Man: Out of the way!
I'm sorry. This seat is taken.
I was sitting here earlier.
I just went to get some popcorn, and now I've returned.
Buddy, my girlfriend is sitting here.
This seat is taken.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Do you know who I am?
Uh...no.
Duh, do you know who I am?
[ Mumbles stupidly ]
No, I don't know who you are, but I have a very particular --
Shh, quiet!
[ Whispering ] No, I don't know who you are, but I have a very particular --
What? I can't hear you.
No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular set of skills --
skills I have acquired.
Buddy, he said the seat's taken!
I was sitting here!
Will you be quiet?!
I was sitting here!
I'm sorry, Miss, but that seat is taken.
Yeah, no shit -- by me!
Look, if you let me sit there now,
that will be the end of it.
I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.
But if you don't --
Uh, is there a problem?
This guy is bothering us.
Come on, buddy, find a seat.
I will find you, and I will kill you!
[ Taser zapping ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Engine revs ]
[ Fireworks popping ]
We gather now to lay to rest Evel Knievel,
who died after a long struggle with heart disease,
and I'm pretty sure what we just did with the corpse was illegal,
but let none ever say to us not awesome.
[ Crying ]
[ French accent ] Don't cry, my dear.
It's said the human head remains alive
for a brief moment after decapitation.
Once my head falls into the basket,
allow your beauty to be the last thing I see,
and I will bestow one final wink upon you.
[ All gasp ]
I don't think he's gonna wink.
-Polly! -Whoo!
Polly, this boat is so on fleek,
it's fleeker than a box of corn flakes!
First of all, it's not a boat.
It's my so-hip cruise ship!
Whoo!
Polly, I see lots of accessories
but no navigation equipment.
We could be dangerously off course!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, you guys -- pirates!
[ Foreign accent ] This vessel belong to me now!
Prepare to be boarded!
You dare to mock me with your smiling Western faces?!
Stop making me self-conscious about my English!
I never made it past ESL English for Pirates!
They wanted $400 per credit hour!
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Hey, boss, you are arguing with stickers.
Go away, you nasty pirates, or you'll be sorry!
-That's right! -You'll be sorry!
You better not be stickers!
They are not stickers, boss.
Oh, you're just a bunch of girls and effeminate boys!
I have no rebuttal.
Oh, go away!
Your stupid boat doesn't even have any accessories!
Yeah, yeah, we have all the accessories we need right here!
[ Machine-gun fire ]
[ Laughs ] They call those accessories?!
I'll show them accessories!
[ Mechanized whirring ]
Eat shit from my so-hip cruise ship!
No, boss, it's girl club!
No, we're sinking!
[ Bubbling ]
Aah! Shark B.J.!
[ Screaming ]
Accessories!
Shark food!
Um, I think we're accessories -- to murder!
[ Laughs ] Yeah!
♪ Polly!
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
That is so not fleek.
Hey, baby.
The only reason I'd kick you out of bed
would be to fuck you on the floor.
Oh, dear, no. I have a bad hip.
That's right -- talk dirty to me.
Waffle Face, I hear you're the best hitman
this side of Atlantic City, but I got to ask,
how'd you get a waffle for a face?
Oh, well, originally, I had a pancake for a face,
see, until the Triads put my head in a waffle iron!
Ever since then -- Waffle Face!
[ Laughs maniacally ] Look at me, look!
Hey, pal, if someone asks you how you got a waffle for a face,
I can pretty much guarantee they ain't askin' you
to back up to the part where you had a pancake for a face
and now it's a waffle.
But that's how it happened, hey.
If you're gonna make me sit here
and ask a follow-up question
as to how your head went from a human head to a pancake head
prior to it becoming a waffle head --
I am gonna put a bullet between your big-ass cartoon eyes!
Okay, okay, okay!
My head was flattened by a steamroller.
That's how it became a pancake!
Thank you.
Prior to that,
it was more of a big coffee cake.
[ Laughs ]
I'll kill you!
[ Gunfire ]
Man: He's expected to break the record
for solving a Rubik's Cube one-handed.
[ Buzzer ]
And he did it! [ Cheers and applause ]
You know, that kid is either gonna get more pussy
than he can handle or he'll kill himself within a week.
Smart money's on the suicide.
You know, we can always hope for the pussy.
But it's usually suicide.
[ Coins clattering ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Poink! Poink! ]
"Dear Diary, the school talent show is tomorrow,
so I spent all week writing a stand-up comedy routine."
I just hope Patti likes it.
Oh, hey, baby! Where you from -- Texas?
Bend over and show us your Lone Star!
Oh!
[ Mumbling ]
Man: Hey, Funny! Is your middle name Nut?
[ Laughter ]
Ooh!
I mean [chuckles nervously] bitches be crazy, huh?
Oh!
Kathy, sweetie, that photo is 15 years old.
You are ruining the integrity of Tinder.
[ Sighs ] Fine, just shut up already.
[ Camera shutter clicks ] I look fat.
You look beautiful.
[ Chimes ] Ooh! I got a match.
His name's Bill. Ooh!
Aah! Help! Somebody help me!
Fuck you, Tinder!
[ Dance music plays ]
Great big fat person -- swipe right.
Skinny man -- swipe left.
Radcliffe, it's official. You have 50 pregnant females.
How is that possible?
Remember, darling, only 15 of our 101 dalmatians were related.
Clearly, the unrelated ones had sex!
Actually, siblings get it on all the time.
Why, it wouldn't surprise me if Pongo and Perdita over there
were having sex with their own children,
uh, likely while the others watched.
Jesus!
Can't believe I had to give up songwriting for a day job.
Lousy dalmatians eating me out of house and home!
[ Dogs barking ] Aah!
These things breed like fruit flies.
It's a population-control issue.
[ Sighs ] We were wrong to think
you were a bad person, Cruella.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, there's no such thing as evil, you know?
Everyone is the hero of their own story.
We really don't need a sociology lesson.
[ Cackles ]
I love it when my wife sends me to the -- grocery gore!
[ Cackles ]
Ew, tampons?
Young woman: Wash your car, mister?
We're raising money for Monster High's fearleading team.
[ Transylvanian accent ] Oh, it'd be a bloody shame
if us ghouls couldn't raise enough money!
Without us, how will the Mansters
ever win another casketball game?
What...the fuck are you doing?!
We're having a car wash.
I mean the puns!
I'm the Crypt Keeper!
Slays on words are my thing!
I've never even heard of you! Blah!
Yeah, if you don't want us to wash that filthy piece of shit,
just get out of our slay.
[ Laughter ]
You're so punny!
I just made that fucking pun!
What the fuck. [ School bell rings ]
What the fuck. Hello, boys and ghouls.
What the fuck.
Welcome to Monster High, stranger.
I'm headless Headmistress Bloodgood.
Well, Principal Goodhead, I'm the Crypt Keeper,
and I'm here to shut this shit show down!
What ever do you mean?
The puns, man! You're stealing my whole life!
Come on! Fearleading squad, casketball team?!
Oh, it sounds like you want to speak to the hizzay,
our physical deaducation teacher.
Oh, goddamn it!
He's an invisible man.
He's fright behind you, as a matter of fact.
[ School bell rings ] Listen, knob job,
either back off my schtick
or you can kiss this bulimic emo gangbang goodbye!
Trust me, I'm a shell of a man
with nothing left to lose, and --
And I'm talking to the air.
Fuck it!
[ Cackles ]
Mr. Crypt Keeper, you stand accused
of committing 448 counts of first-degree murder.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Well, first of all, I find myself here in "Fright Court" --
I told you before, this is not "Night Court."
It's just a regular court.
Well, thanks for stepping on the bit. Can I finish?
How can I be blamed for murder
when the entire school glamorized death?!
Monster High was wholesome fun!
That vampire chick, Draculara, her daddy's Dracula!
That guy's put more high-quality gash in the ground
than plate tectonics!
[ Spectators murmuring ]
I don't completely understand what you just said,
but I am a vegan!
Okay, veganism was a 20th-century invention.
Aren't you 1,600 years old?
What'd you snack on for the first 15 centuries?
You got me. [ Chuckles ]
Blood of the innocent.
Monster High was a monument to murder!
All I did was carry it to its logical conclusion!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Case dismissed!
That's it?!
I had a whole bit about a hung jury!
[ Cackles ]
Hey, where's everyone's go-- ah, shit.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
[ Tink! ]