[ Whirring ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Theme music plays ]
[ Thunder rumbling ]
[ Whirring ]
♪♪
Man: It's alive!
♪♪
[ Thunder rumbles ]
♪♪
[ All squeaking ]
Okay, quickly now! No hesitations!
One, two, three!
No!
The senseless slaughter must end.
Each day, we put the lives of our children at risk.
Each day, we lose more and more --
We could just take the long way around.
Spencer, would you shut the fuck up?
Yeah, shut up, Spencer!
Now, today, we take back our lives!
Hold! Hold!
Now!
For our fallen comrades and our children!
It does not move another inch!
Do not let go!
Oh, come on, why won't this open?!
[ Screaming ]
Welcome to the Johto Gym, Ash.
Let's see if you got what it takes.
Pikachu, I choose you!
Pika, pika!
Henry Kissinger, I choose you!
We should take advantage of the Sino-Soviet split
and open relations with China.
That's... Uh, wai-- what?
Uh, uh, Pikachu, thunderbolt attack!
Pika-chu!
Oh!
Henry Kissinger, war crime attack!
We should bomb Cambodia and Laos without telling Congress!
-Pika! Pika! -[ Screams ]
Ha-ha!
W-what just happened?
Did I just learn something?
Hey, I'm here for the sex party.
Um...
I've got an everlasting gobstopper for you.
It changes color -- mostly between red and purple.
Uh, no, thanks.
Well, maybe this
will change your mind.
Oh, now we're talking.
[ Moaning passionately ]
Oh! Snozzberriiiiiiiiies!
[ Grunting ]
I want people to stop asking me if I skip leg day!
[ Grunting ]
I love being a spy!
Harriet, you promised you'd stop spying on people!
Oh, Sport, you're my best friend,
but you're such a chapped butthole.
Spying is fun as hell!
♪♪
[ Yawning ] Spying is hard as hell.
Oh, nobody planning another 9/11, Welsch?
Bummer for you. Come on.
Let me show you something fun.
Give me a name -- any name.
My best friend, Sport, from grade school -- Simon Rock.
Another day, another sob and dump.
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, poor Sport.
Why would he post this online?
Post it? Nope.
I tapped into his laptop camera.
Is this legal?
Aww, you're so cute.
I've got to get proof that the U.S. government
is illegally spying on its own people.
And, if I have time, the proof that Taylor Swift
swallowed a live, human baby.
♪♪
Now for the moment of truth.
Evening, Harriet. Not trying to smuggle out any data, are you?
[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ] Noper, doper.
Hey, ever played with one of these?
[ Chuckles ] Yeah! I had one as a kid.
It drove me fucking insane!
♪♪
What the hell?! Secrets!
[ Whistle blows ]
Hey, you ever played "Minions Monopoly"?
"Monopoly" with Minions?
Yes, please!
♪♪
Harriet Welsch, thank you for joining us today,
live from your exile in Moscow. How are things there?
Well, I have been a little...
"snowed in." [ Snowden ]
That was weird. Now, you've committed
the largest data theft in U.S. history.
Was it all worth it?
I believe all citizens have a right to privacy.
Well, what about charges that WikiLeaks is a Russian front,
led by an alleged sex criminal?
Hey. Just because the Russkis gave me this baller apartment,
doesn't mean I was tricked in to undermining
American democracy or anything.
[ Chuckles ]
That's crazy.
[ Speaking Russian ]
Thank you, Harriet the Spy.
[ Applause ]
[ Sighs ]
Well, it's time for my daily "sob and dump".
[ Door closes ]
[ Sobbing ]
Uh, Harriet, your webcam is still --
The webcam is still -- Harriet?
Hey, happy Monday, right? [ Chuckles ]
How was your weekend?
Ugh, I'm calling H.R.
Okay, up next, we have Stacy.
What are you going to do for us today?
Well, I'm a sky dancer, so I'll be sky dancing.
Oh, my God! I don't want to die!
Aah!
I mean, talk about "jungle fever".
Every time I jerk off, it's an interracial love scene.
Oh!
[ Audience groans ]
What'll it be?
Brains!
I'm sorry, we're out of brains.
[ Sadly ] Mac and cheese.
Atreyu, down there is the first gate you must pass through.
Most people do not make it.
Because they don't feel their own self-worth?
No. Because they can't stop staring
at the sphinxes awesome boobies!
I don't understand.
Can't they just take a quick look and then keep walking?
Are you even seeing how perfect they are?
Round and smooth,
huge, yet, impossibly firm.
It's my turn now. Let me see!
But I'm still looking. Why is this telescope sticky?
It's from t-t-the price tag!
Now get going!
And don't die until I finish.
Uh, finish what?
Just go, damn it!
Aah!
I'm coming to see you, Margaret!
What? Oh, hell.
[ Laughs ] That tickles!
[ Laughs ]
Now lick my nipples!
-What? -What?
[ Gasps ]
[ Strained ] Only you...
can prevent climate change!
Guh.
[ Moaning ]
Oh, we're Trolls. Mmm. Our hair's intertwined.
[ Moaning ]
Hey, can I ask you to do something?
Oh, of course.
Put it in me.
[ Groaning ]
[ Ting! ]
[ Groans ]
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no
Boys, have I got news for --
Alvin! Put some clothes on!
Technically, Dave, fur is our clothes.
And it's not a shirt. It's a fucking nightgown!
Oh, shut up, boys!
I just booked you for this year's Coachella.
[ All cheering ]
Are we on the main stage?
Uh, no.
Ooh, the Gobi Tent?
-Eh, no. -Mojave Tent?
No, boys.
The "butthole packed with sand" tent?
Alvin! That's not a real tent!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Insects buzzing, bird cries ]
Guess the joke's on me.
This is an outrage!
I'm going to complain to the promoter right now!
Okay, I'm off on poon patrol.
"10-4, good buddy. I got an APB on poon,
preferably a trust-fund baby
with an appropriated Native American headdress,
over". Krrrk!
No, damn it!
The band's supposed to be onstage right now!
Gorillaz -- with a "Z"!
Wait. Then who's onstage right now?
Gorillas, with an "S"!
[ Gorillas grunting ]
[ People cheering ]
And their rider was bananas!
Well, they are gorillas.
[ Laughs ]
Stick with my "B" story for more laughs
just like that one.
Oh, chipmunks.
Wow, I can't believe I'm making out with Selena Gomez!
Wow, I can't believe I'm making out with Alvin!
I'm not Alvin.
You know I'm not Selena Gomez, the singer, right?
I might have racial face blindness.
I always feel so creatively stifled.
Do you have any advice on how to be "the cute one" in the band?
Buddy, I've got bad news for you.
You're the biggest Ringo I've ever seen!
Paul is supposed to be dead! Again!
[ Groaning ]
Excuse me, have you seen three giant chipmunks
wearing nightgowns... "Thom"?
It's pronounced "Tom".
-"Yorkie". -Yorke.
Listen, are you okay, man?
Either I'm on LSD,
or those Dippin' Dots were seriously expired.
Two things can be true at once.
♪♪
This sucks! Nobody's paying attention!
Don't worry, fellas. I have an ace up my sleeve!
Holograms are so in right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the newest member
of "The Chipmunks", here's Beat-munk!
Yeah, Beat-munk, here to bop, bop, bop!
[ People cheering ] Bop that! Bop that!
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Yeah!
Boys, you might have played the smallest tent,
but you're social media is blowing up!
You're a hit!
And Beat-munk
even got signed to -- T-Tidal?
[ Paper thuds ]
And most importantly,
I tore through a metric ton of freaky music festival trim.
[ Sighs ] Alvin, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You have gonorrhea of the ear, nose, and throat.
Alvin!
Ugh, you know what?
This festival has taught me a great lesson
about loosening up.
From now on, just call me "Good Time Dave."
Okay, "Good Time Dave",
gonorrhea is fatal in chipmunks.
Too bad it wasn't fatal in "Monkees".
[ Clicks tongue ] Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-kow!
[ Chuckles ] Do you get it?
They were a rival band of ours.
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.