1 00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:04,904 [ Whirring ] 2 00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:07,006 [ Theme music plays ] 3 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:11,378 [ Whirring ] 4 00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:18,218 ♪♪ 5 00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:19,652 Man: It's alive! 6 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:23,656 ♪♪ 7 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:27,694 ♪♪ 8 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:28,828 [ Thunder rumbles ] 9 00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:33,500 ♪♪ 10 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:38,204 ♪♪ 11 00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,206 You'll never get me to talk. 12 00:00:40,273 --> 00:00:44,010 Perhaps you'd like to see your wife again, Mr. Potato Head. 13 00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:47,580 No! No! No! 14 00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:52,886 Archie, you better not be up to any mischief, 15 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,320 or it's detention. 16 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,922 Gosh, Miss Grundy, I don't have time for mischief, 17 00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,091 what, with all the homework you give us. 18 00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:00,026 Oh, wow. It's so hot. 19 00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:04,230 Oh, my! That is some grade-A ginger beef right there. 20 00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,499 Ahem, give you a lift home, Archie? 21 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,535 Jeepers, Miss Grundy, that would be swell. 22 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,703 Listen, Archie, you're never going to get 23 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,238 a passing grade in my class. 24 00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:13,706 Aw, shucks. 25 00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:17,143 However, I'll give you an "A" if you give me the "D"... 26 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,179 in the "A." 27 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:22,916 Oh, Archie! Oh! 28 00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:25,218 Oh, why can't I resist that silver minx? 29 00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,420 She's like a fine steak, aged to perfection. 30 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,623 -Oopsy! -Oh! 31 00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,392 [ Both moaning ] 32 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,961 -Oh, Archie! -Oh, Miss Grundy! 33 00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:37,896 -Call me Geraldine. -Well, somehow that's even grosser sounding 34 00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:39,365 than Miss Grundy. 35 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,001 Mmm, mmm! Oh, your tongue is rough. Hmm. 36 00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,436 You've a bad girl, Miss Grundy! 37 00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:44,637 Is that the best you've got? 38 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,706 Hi, I'm producer Greg Berlanti. 39 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,640 You're watching the original un-aired pilot 40 00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:50,376 for "Riverdale" on the CW. 41 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,145 The first note from the network was 42 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:53,746 "For the love of all that's holy, 43 00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:57,150 please make Miss Grundy 22 instead of 82." 44 00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,218 Bad note, but whatevs. 45 00:01:58,283 --> 00:02:00,320 Their second note was to definitely 46 00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,455 cut this next part out of the script. 47 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,258 Who's up for a human centipede -- 48 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:08,193 with cheese?! 49 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:11,931 Encyclopedia Brown, who forgot to flush the toilet again? 50 00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,266 For the answer to the mystery 51 00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,134 of who forgot to flush the toilet again, 52 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:18,304 turn to page 196. 53 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:21,107 It was me! 54 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:23,376 I hate snakes, Jock, I hate 'em! 55 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:27,079 Henry, I know you're taking the divorce very hard, 56 00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,715 but there's someone I want you to meet. 57 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:30,950 Steven? -Hiya, sssport! 58 00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:34,954 Your mom sssays you're a real sspecial guy! 59 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:37,156 How'd you like a catchersss mitt? 60 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,526 Huh, little man? -I'll never love you! 61 00:02:39,591 --> 00:02:41,160 Henry! Oh! 62 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,228 Give him sssome time. 63 00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,834 You've got a ssswell... 64 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:51,204 ssssssson there. 65 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,874 [ Applause ] 66 00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:57,911 Hey, legless, you're in my seat. 67 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:01,314 Now, sssir, you're sssloshed. 68 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:05,051 I think it would be better for everyone if you'd ssscram. 69 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:09,822 Why don't you unhinge that jaw and ssssuck my cock? 70 00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,925 Stop! You'll kill him! 71 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,026 Aah! 72 00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,294 I don't know, Indy, 73 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,262 it doesn't sound like any of that was the snake's fault. 74 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:19,566 Also, he swallowed my mother. 75 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:22,201 Wow, talk about burying the lead. 76 00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,404 Rock, paper, scissors. 77 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:28,274 Shoot! Oh! Rock beats scissors. 78 00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:32,312 Narrator: Edward threw "paper" that time, but how could she know? 79 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:35,081 How could she know? 80 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,417 Man: As kids, we attained the ability to transform 81 00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:38,985 into any animal we touched. 82 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,988 Yeah, we're Animorphs, and we're in college, yo! 83 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,991 [ Cats meow ] 84 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,060 [ Purring ] 85 00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:52,498 Ha ha, yeah! All right! High-five! 86 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:55,067 Man #2: Oh, Cassie, you're a girl and I'm -- 87 00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:57,170 -This is gonna make my father furious! -Bark, bark, bark! 88 00:03:57,236 --> 00:03:59,005 Bark! -Whoa?! 89 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,307 I knew you were cheating on me! 90 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,743 -Jake, I can explain! -[ Cries ] 91 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,781 Hey, just out of curiosity, what was your explanation gonna be? 92 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:12,952 Oh, no. We forgot to study! 93 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,655 No worries. I got this. 94 00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:20,493 [ Buzzing ] 95 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,793 Oh, God! 96 00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,596 Marco! 97 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,666 Man #3: So, Dexter, tell me why you think you're M.I.T. material. 98 00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,769 Surely you are joking! I see. 99 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,371 Trying to justify your salary. 100 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,172 Well, I was a boy genius. 101 00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,308 I built a secret laboratory at age seven 102 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,409 where I created brilliant inventions. 103 00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,246 Right, but I don't see any extracurriculars here. 104 00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:43,149 Um, extracurriculars? I'm sorry, I'm confused. 105 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,784 Like, you know, sports, clubs, student council, 106 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,520 a single kiss from a girl. 107 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,055 I can clone human beings. 108 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,392 I've made time machine and a time expansion helmet. 109 00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:55,028 So no extracurriculars? 110 00:04:56,996 --> 00:05:00,333 [ Groans angrily ] I'll show you extracurriculars. 111 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,770 [ Laughs ] 112 00:05:03,836 --> 00:05:06,305 ♪♪ 113 00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,975 Dexter, Dexter, guess what?! 114 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,310 I got into M. I. T., Harvard, and Yale 115 00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:15,815 because I'm so well-rounded! 116 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,287 What were the last two? 117 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,156 Harvard and Yale! 118 00:05:23,222 --> 00:05:26,325 Harvard and Yale. [ Laughs ] 119 00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,727 At last! 120 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:30,997 A mini bust of Burgess Merediths' 1966 Penguin. 121 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,498 Ah! 122 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:36,002 Oh, not that my collection of nerd paraphernalia is complete, 123 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,704 I can finally start living a life 124 00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,672 of rewarding personal relationships 125 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,709 and get on a healthy regiment of diet and exercise. 126 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,212 [ Breathes heavily ] 127 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,382 Get, get -- Get right on that. 128 00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:53,286 ♪♪ 129 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:57,423 Man-E Faces, you are...not the father! 130 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,292 I knew it! Yes! 131 00:05:59,358 --> 00:06:00,526 But are! 132 00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,361 Aw, damn it! 133 00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:06,132 [ Robotically ] Cash me outside. How 'bout that?! 134 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:10,436 Livewire, Toyman, show me your plans to destroy Supergirl 135 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,004 and I will fund the best idea. 136 00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:14,006 Feast your eyes, Maxwell Lord. 137 00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:17,910 A military assault vehicle made out of pure kryptonite. 138 00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:19,779 -Very intriguing. -What the hell is that? 139 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,081 -Kryptonite vibrator. -That is absurd. 140 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,184 Why not make a kryptonite sword or use kryptonite bullets? 141 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:28,721 This way, she does all the work for us. 142 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:29,822 That's -- that's idiotic! 143 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,724 Tell you what, I'll fund both projects, 144 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,360 then we'll see who kills Supergirl first. 145 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:39,699 The time has arrived. Livewire, show me your device. 146 00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,234 [ Rattling ] 147 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,569 Money well spent. Toyman, your turn. 148 00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,805 Oh, me, ready for me -- um, okay, here we go. 149 00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:48,274 So I might have over-promised. 150 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,109 It turns out there's a reason Ford and GM 151 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,011 don't build cars out of fucking rock. 152 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,882 Well, at any rate, now it's time to kill Supergirl. 153 00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,617 -Now?! -Now?! 154 00:06:57,683 --> 00:06:59,852 [ Laughs ] 155 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:03,689 There she is! Run her down! [ Laughs ] 156 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,292 No matter. Fire the weapons. 157 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,494 Uh, yeah, so no weapons. 158 00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,897 I actually spent my entire budget on the stone workers. 159 00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,031 Freakin' prima donnas. 160 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,633 They all think they're Michelangelo. 161 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,169 Ow! Ooh! Livewire, you're up. 162 00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:17,737 Look. Um... 163 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,806 I tried to make a kryptonite vibrator, 164 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:22,875 but I ran out of time, so I painted a regular vibrator 165 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,310 with glow-in-the-dark paint. 166 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,947 Just take it. Please, please? I'll give you $5. 167 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,582 Come on, take it. Take it, take it. 168 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:31,884 You're making me look like a real asshole 169 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,653 in front of my friends. -[ Groans ] 170 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:35,454 All right. 171 00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:39,025 I really shouldn't but... 172 00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,493 It's a Tuesday. 173 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,330 [ Bell tolls ] 174 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,765 I lied! 175 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,466 It really was a kryptonite vibrator. 176 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,803 So you mean to tell me that Supergirl accepted a vibrator 177 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,805 a super-villain handed to her on the street 178 00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:56,209 and actually put into her-- -This is a Goddamn funeral! 179 00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:58,845 Oh, I'm so happy to have my boys home 180 00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:00,279 from a long day of fighting. 181 00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:03,549 Oh, no! Grandma's having a stroke! 182 00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:07,753 But whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. 183 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,555 Up your butt, Nietzsche! 184 00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,123 Ow, mein arm! 185 00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,893 Ah! 186 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,828 Yah! 187 00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:18,097 [ Zapping ] 188 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,900 Announcer: And now watch a guy named Chet 189 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:24,003 choose a girlfriend by dating her mom! 190 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,239 It's MTV's "Date My Mom!" 191 00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:29,909 A castle? This family's loaded! 192 00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:31,377 Just call me Belle. 193 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,113 I like Belle 'cause she's super smart and shit. 194 00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:36,616 She was reading on our date and using big words and shit, 195 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,084 so that's kind of hot. 196 00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,552 So tell me about your daughter. 197 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,053 She loves reading Tolstoy 198 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,688 and Gabrielle Garcia Marquez and-- 199 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,091 Totally. Same. Is she hot, though? 200 00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,393 [ Doorbell rings ] 201 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:48,728 Whoa! 202 00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:52,164 I wouldn't mind Mrs. Rabbit gnawing on this carrot. 203 00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:53,933 So tell me about your daughter. 204 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,236 Well, she's so sweet and gets very good grades. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 205 00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,537 Uh-huh. Huh? 206 00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,506 The best part of my date with Mrs. Rabbit 207 00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:02,174 was when she had big boobs. 208 00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:05,511 The worst part was when I had to throw away my swim trunks 209 00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:06,679 'cause I peed white. 210 00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:09,815 Yeah, he did jizz his pants a few times. 211 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:13,653 I pretended not to notice, but I definitely noticed. 212 00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,824 My final date is with a bear, seriously? 213 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,327 [ Growls ] 214 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,763 You want me to ask them to put up the bumpers? 215 00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:25,898 -[ Roars ] -Okay, okay, no bumpers! 216 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:29,001 The worst part of my date, when the bear mauled a little boy. 217 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,970 I watched the light leave his eyes, 218 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,306 and I realized life is fleeting 219 00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:35,007 and we gotta make the most of it. 220 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,777 Tomorrow, I'm gonna choose the big-boob lady. 221 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:40,112 Belle, I had a chill time with you. 222 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,449 But time spent reading is time not boning! 223 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,252 Sorry. I do not want to date your daughter. 224 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,889 No, no, rejected. Get back in the limo. 225 00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,159 Bear, you're a bear, and I'm afraid your daughter is a bear. 226 00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:55,194 So I do not want to date your bear. 227 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,196 [ Roars ] 228 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,799 Damn! That bear is hot! 229 00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:03,135 So, yeah, Mrs. Rabbit, I obviously chose your daughter. 230 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,438 Let's see her! Come on, baby! Bring her out! 231 00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:06,939 [ Laughs ] 232 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,308 -No! -Give me a kiss! 233 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,377 Can I take it all back? Is the bear-girl still here? 234 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,213 -Please! -Start making babies, you two. 235 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,715 -Oh, yeah! -No, no! 236 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,283 -Babies, give me! -No, no, no! 237 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:22,922 I... 238 00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:29,562 fuuuuccckkkkkk 239 00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:34,800 your... 240 00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:39,839 mo... 241 00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,207 mmm. 242 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:42,540 Slow burn. 243 00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:44,543 ♪♪ 244 00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:45,578 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 245 00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:46,912 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 246 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,914 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 247 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,082 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 248 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,417 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 249 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,252 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 250 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,253 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 251 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,588 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 252 00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,590 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 253 00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,825 Ba-gawk! Bawk.