Robot Chicken Xmas Episode 2005
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[DRILL]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
[MANIACAL LAUGHING]
[BELLS JINGLING]
>> OHH!
DAD COULD YOU KICK AN
ANGEL'S ASS?
>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I COULD.
[THUD]
>> IS THAT SANTA ON THE ROOF?
>> WELL, IF NOT, I GOT A
PRESENT FOR HIM.
>> OOF!
>> SANTA!
SANTA!
>> OH, MY MOTHER[BEEP] KNEE!
AW, [BEEP] [BEEP].
OH, [BEEP] IT ALL TO HELL.
THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER[BEEP].
>> DAD, WHAT'S A [BEEP]?
>> HA.
HUH.
UH, SO, SANTA, WHAT--WHAT
HAPPENED?
>> BANDITS, GOKU.
THEY STOLE MY REINDEER AND ALL
THE PRESENTS AND MY PANTS!
>> HA HA HA!
CHRISTMAS IS OURS!
>> YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH
THIS.
>> HO HO HO!
I'VE GOT 5 GOOD REASONS FOR YOU
TO SHUT UP.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5!
>> DAD, WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?
>> KUNG FU LEGENDS.
THAT'S THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY,
WHOSE MYSTICAL DRUM CONJURES
DEMONS MOST FOUL; THE
NUTCRACKER, WHO KNOWS OVER 100
DIFFERENT TESTICLE-BASED
ATTACKS; AND COMPOSITE SANTA
CLAUS, WHO LOOKS LIKE ONE HALF
SANTA AND ONE HALF FROSTY THE
SNOWMAN.
>> WHAT ARE COMPOSITE SANTA'S
POWERS?
>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE FREAKS
ME RIGHT THE [BEEP] OUT.
>> INTRUDERS!
>> I WILL CONJURE A DEMON WITH
MY MAGICAL DRUM!
HA HA HA!
>> SPIRIT BOMB!
>> YELL IT REALLY LOUD!
[BOOM]
>> HOLY [BEEP]!
>> I'LL GET THIS ONE, DAD.
YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH.
>> TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!
>> OW!
MY DRAGONBALL.
>> OHHHHHHH...
OH, BABY!
>> OHHHHHHHH!
>> OK. I GOT NOTHING.
OH!
TEMPERATURE'S OVER 32 DEGREES
FAHRENHEIT, MY ONLY WEAKNESS.
>> WE...DID IT.
>> FOOLS!
>> MRS. SANTA?!
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THIS EVIL
ATTACK ON CHRISTMAS IS ME!
>> BUT WHY?
>> IT ALL STARTED AT THE NORTH
POLE.
I STARTED GETTING TERRIBLE
HEADACHES.
>> MRS. CLAUSE, ARE YOU OK?
>> AAH!
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS
MERELY MY PERIOD, BUT THAT WAS
NOT THE CASE, AS I HIT
MENOPAUSE CENTURIES AGO.
[RIM SHOT]
POLAR RADIATION FORCED AN
EVOLUTIONARY CHANGE IN ME.
NOW I WANT REVENGE.
AAH!
>> OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>> ENOUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
>> GOHAN AND I NEED A MINUTE TO
REST.
IT'S UP TO YOU FOR NOW.
>> I--I THINK ONE OF THEM
POPPED.
>> IT'S PAYBACK TIME.
LET'S BEAT HER UP SO BAD HER
KIDS WILL INHERIT THE BRUISES.
>> YEAH.
WE'LL HIT HER SO HARD, SHE'LL
STARVE TO DEATH ROLLING.
>> SHE'S SO UGLY, WE'LL PUSH
HER FACE AND GO AND MAKE
GORILLA BISCUITS!
>> SHE'S SO BLACK, WHEN SHE GO
TO NIGHT SCHOOL, TEACHER MARK
HER ABSENT!
>> THAT'S--IT'S STILL MY WIFE,
GUYS!
>> KIIIIIILL!
>> OHH!
YOUR NOSE SHOOT LASERS?
>> YOU DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS A
REASON IT GLOWS RED?
WHAT DOES YOUR SHOOT?
>> EWW!
TO THINK I WANTED TO PLAY YOUR
GAMES.
[GROANING]
>> SHE'S GROWN TOO GIGANTIC AND
UNSTABLE.
WOMEN.
AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?
>> THE TENKA'ICHI BUDOKAI IS
FINALLY COMPLETE.
>> WHAT THE [BEEP] ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WAS THAT EVEN ENGLISH?
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?
THIS IS THE LAST TIME I BRING
PRESENTS TO JAPAN.
[RIM SHOT]
>> BRING OUT YOUR DEAD.
>> DECEMBER 24, 4:30 P.M.,
CHRISTMAS EVE.
A TIME FOR JOYOUS CELEBRATION,
A TIME FOR GIFT-GIVING, FOR
PEACE AND LOVE, A TIME FOR
MURDER.
IT WAS THE CHRISTMAS THAT MADE
EVERYONE CRY--EXCEPT FOR MAYBE
THE JEWS--BUT WHEN THE EVIDENCE
POINTED TO MURDER, THE QUESTION
ON EVERYONE'S MIND BECAME, "WHO
KILLED CHRISTMAS?"
[RETCHES]
PERHAPS NO ONE CAN SHED LIGHT
ON THIS MYSTERY MORE THAN
MARTHA CLAUS, THE VICTIM'S WIFE
OF 43 YEARS.
>> WE STAYED TOGETHER MOSTLY
DUE TO LICENSING ISSUES.
I DOUBT HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
ANY SPONSORSHIP DEALS IF HE
WERE A DIVORCED SINGLE MAN
LIVING WITH A BUNCH OF ELVES.
THEY'D THINK HE WAS GAY.
>> RUSHED BY GRIEF, THE WIDOW
CLAUS HAS KEPT A LOW PROFILE
SINCE THE MURDER, BUT NOT ALL
WAS WARMTH AND LOVE AT THE
NORTH POLE.
DEEP INSIDE SANTA'S FABLED
WORKSHOP, DISCONTENT HAD BEGUN
TO SPREAD AMONG THE ANDROGYNOUS
ELVIN WORKFORCE.
>> IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE COKE,
MAN.
SANTA HAD US ELVES HIDE THE
BLOW IN THE CRAPPY WOODEN TOYS.
THEN HE'D MAKE THE DROP...
>> GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!
GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!
GIVE ME, GIVE ME.
>> AND THE SALE WAS COMPLETE.
HE TRIED USING SOME DIFFERENT
WAYS TO SNEAK THE PRODUCT IN.
[POPPING]
YOU EVER SEE A YETI WITH A
DOZEN CONDOMS OF COKE BURST IN
HIS BELLY?
[ROARING]
>> AAH!
[SCREAMING]
[ALARM RINGING]
>> IT'S A BAD SCENE, MAN.
>> WERE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?
SANTA CLAUS AN INTERNATIONAL
DRUG PEDDLER?
>> DRUGS?
THAT WASN'T NO SECRET, BUT I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT THE FAT MAN'S
REAL PROBLEM WAS--WHEN SOME OF
THE SHIPMENTS STARTED TURNING
UP A LITTLE LIGHT, YOU FOLLOW
ME?
SOMEBODY STARTED HAVING A
LITTLE PRIVATE PARTY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
I THINK YOU DO.
AS FOR WHO?
WELL, YOU EVER WONDER HOW HIS
NOSE GOT SO RED.
>> PUNISHMENT WAS SWIFT FOR
ANYONE WHO DARED CROSS THE
BOSS...
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
>> FOR ANYONE CAUGHT BEING
NAUGHTY AT THE NORTH POLE.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDA--AAH, AAH,
AAH, AAH!
>> WHO KILLED SANTA CLAUS?
A NEGLECTED HOUSEWIFE,
COLOMBIAN DRUG RUNNERS, SOME
RETARD SNOWMAN?
WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHO KILLED
SANTA CLAUS, BUT WHOEVER DID IS
STILL OUT THERE WATCHING,
WAITING.
WHO'S NEXT--THE EASTER BUNNY,
CUPID, THAT LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL
GUY?
WHO'S TO SAY, BUT WHEN IT DOES
HAPPEN, "UNSOLVED CASE FILES"
WILL BE THERE TO MAKE A BUCK.
NEXT TIME ON "UNSOLVED CASE
FILES"...
THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA'S
CASTRATION--SIMPLE NEUTERING OR
HATE CRIME?
>> YO QUIERO MY NUTS.
>> ♪ PATTY CAKE, PATTY CAKE
BAKER'S MAN ♪
>> YEE HA HA HA HOO HOO!
>> VERILY, I SAY UNTO YOU THAT
ONE OF YOU SHALL BETRAY ME.
AAH!
>> HA HA HA!
>> JUDAS!
HA HA HA!
CHEAP SHOT.
OH, LUCKY FOR YOU I'M GONNA
TURN THE OTHER--HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HEY, HEY, HEY.
THAT'S MY FLESH YOU'RE THROWING
THERE.
[JET FLYING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
>> WHERE'S THE BUNNY?
WIGGLE YOUR BIG TOE.
GREAT.
I AM JESUS, YOU KNOW.
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
>> HYAH!
>> OY!
>> AAH!
AAH!
>> 5-FINGERED PALM OF DEATH.
LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.
>> THANKS.
>> IT'S WHAT I DO.
>> YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE
THAT EASY, DID YOU?
>> FOR A SECOND THERE, YEAH, I
KIND OF DID.
>> ♪ BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
B-BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
B-B-BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK
BUCK ♪
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]