[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> AND DESPITE HIS ELFIN SIZE, HERMEY HAD BIGGER DREAMS.
>> I WANT TO BE A DENTIST!
>> YOU MORON!
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DENTISTRY!
>> I WANT TO BE A BAKER.
>> YECCH! YOU IDIOT!
THIS DOUGHNUT'S FILLED WITH TINSEL!
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BAKING.
>> I-I-I WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
I'D HAVE TO SAY...
"'D.' NUTCRACKER."
FINAL ANSWER.
>> A WOMAN'S REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN IS A NUTCRACKER?!
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GENITALIA!
>> C-CAN I PLEASE COME BACK, SANTA?
THIS IS ALL I KNOW.
>> YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME HERE, HERMEY.
>> [ SMOOCHES ] [ GUNSHOT, SPLASH ]
>> THE POINT BEING, YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO PURSUE OUTSIDE
INTERESTS.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
>> ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ I SAW MOMMY KISSING
SANTA CLAUS ♪ >> I KNEW IT!
THAT [BLEEP] WHORE!
WHERE IS HE?!
WHERE'S THAT MOTHER[BLEEP] SANTA CLAUS?
>> WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
HE'S NOT REAL.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO CARVE AN ICE DOOR?
>> OHH!
>> AAAAH!
>> OHH! OH, MY BROTHERS!
>> NOW...WHERE'S SANTA CLAUS?
>> [ WHIMPERING ] OH, NO!
OW! OW! OW!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!
HE'S -- HE'S, UH, DELIVERING GIFTS, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
SO HE'S NOT GONNA BE BACK FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
>> OH, NO, WAIT.
H-HE JUST WALKED IN.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> I KNOW.
>> KNOW WHAT?
>> SUZY SAW YOU KISSING SANTA CLAUS!
>> THAT'S JUST A SONG, SILLY.
[ MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OH!
[ CHUCKLES ] THAT MAKES SENSE.
MAN, I GOT TO START LISTENING TO MORE MUSIC.
>> I AM [BLEEP] THE NEIGHBOR, THOUGH.
>> MIKE? HOW'S HE DOING?
>> [ Panting ] JOSEPH, WHY COULDN'T YOU GET US A ROOM?
>> THERE WEREN'T ANY ROOMS LEFT, MARY.
>> OH, MY VAGINA'S ABOUT TO SPLAT OUT AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING,
AND THEY COULDN'T FIND ME A BED?!
>> IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
THIS WILL BE FINE.
[ ANIMALS FARTING ] >> [ COUGHS ] OHH!
EW!
OH, JOSEPH!
UHH!
[ FARTS ] >> OH, GOD!
WHEW! NO MORE FALAFEL FOR YOU.
>> SORRY.
AAAAH!
>> OKAY, OKAY, NOW PUSH.
PUSH.
[ ANIMALS FARTING ] OKAY, THAT WAS GOOD, HONEY.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
I'LL GO GET YOU SOME WATER.
>> JOSEPH!
>> [ SQUEALS ] [ FARTS ]
>> EW!
[ ANIMALS FARTING ] OH!
OH, HERE IT COMES!
AAAAAH!
[ FARTING CONTINUES ] AAAAAAAH!
>> OKAY, BABY, KEEP BREATHING.
THIS IS IT, NOW!
OH, HONEY, THAT'S IT!
I CAN SEE IT!
I CAN SEE THE HEAD! NOW PUSH!
>> AAAH!
[ FARTING STOPS ] >> [ CRIES ]
>> OUR BABY!
LITTLE JESUS...HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> [ FARTS ] >> HELLO? IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I HEARD YELLING.
OH, IT'S VERY DARK IN HERE.
>> NO-O-O-O-O!
>> THAT MUST BE THE SIGN WE'RE LOOKING FOR!
>> THE LORD JESUS CHRIST IS BORN!
>> WOW! AWESOME!
GO, DAD!
>> OH, MY GOODNESS, DEAR!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] OH, MY GOD!
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> OH-HO!
>> OH, NO!
[ SCREAMING ] [ DOG BARKING ]
>> AAAAAH!
I'M ON FIRE!
[ BOTH SCREAM ] >> AND THAT'S WHY I CONVERTED TO
JUDAISM.
>> UH, DAD, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, BUT I THINK YOU FORGOT TO
BLOW OUT THE MENORAH.
>> DAMN IT!
>> BLAM!
>> MY STUDIES!
OH! THESE ARE BRAND-NEW.
>> SLAM! HA!
THAT'S FOR...UH...
AH, NERD!
>> [ GROANS ] [ SIGHS ]
[ RUMBLING ] WHOA...
OOMPH!
MY GOODNESS!
I'VE FALLEN INTO A STRANGE AND MAGICAL LAND.
WELL, YOU'RE NO EXCALIBUR, BUT THEN AGAIN, I'M NO KING ARTHUR.
>> HELLO, THERE, STRANGER.
I'M MR. -- >> AAH!
M-M-M-MONSTER!
MONSTER!
MONSTER, DIE!
[ PANTING ] WOW...
I KILLED THAT CREATURE.
I'M A HERO!
GOOD JOB, EXCALIBUR II!
BUT I'M FREEZING.
>> I, THE WHITE WITCH, HAVE SENSED A NEW --
HOLY [BLEEP] >> MY QUEEN!
>> OH, UH...
CARE TO COME TO MY CASTLE AND ENJOY SOME TURKISH DELIGHT?
>> OH, BOY!
MY FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITHOUT A COMPUTER!
>> TURKISH DELIGHT IS A CANDY.
>> OH, BOY! CANDY!
>> AND NOW, MY CHAMPION, WE WILL DEFEAT MY ENEMY, THE TALKING
LION!
>> WHAT?! A TALKING LION?
PBHT!
YOU MEAN THERE'S NO DRAGONS OR BALROGS OR RINGWRAITHS?
>> NO, JUST A TALKING LION...
who's an allegory for Jesus.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
EVEN A TALKING LION IS PRETTY SCARY, AND I'M NOT ALL THAT --
[ GASPS ] YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!
THIS IS THE BEST LARP EVER!
>> LATER, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO CROSS SWORDS!
>> AND NOW, YOUNG CHILDREN, MAY THESE GUIDE YOU THROUGH YOUR
JOURNEYS.
>> WHY IS SANTA CLAUS GIVING US LETHAL WEAPONS?
>> THERE HE IS, CHILDREN!
KILL HIM!
>> WHEE!
>> [ GROANS ] >> EAT YOUR HEART OUT,
"WORLDS OF WARCRAFT"!
>> [ SIGHS ] THIS IS WHY KIDS SHOULD READ
GOOD CHRISTIAN FANTASY INSTEAD OF "HARRY POTTER."
>> YOU SEE THAT PLAY WITH DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S PENIS?
>> WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT TO ASK THE JESUS-ALLEGORY LION?
BUT, YES.
>> WHOO-HOO! HOO-HOO!
300 EXPERIENCE POINTS FOR ME!
GREAT JOB, EXCALIBUR III!
>> I'M BORED.
WHERE'D I LEAVE THAT NERD?
>> [ GASPING ] OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
IT'S VERY TIGHT IN THERE.
>> OH, NOT THAT NERD!
[ HORSE GALLOPING ] >> WHAT THE --
>> YEAH! HOO-HOO!
>> [ WHINNIES ] >> YOU'RE BOTH IN BIG TROUBLE!
>> It was worth it, my Queen.
>> I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL GO DOWN ON YOUR PERMANENT
RECORDS!
>> YOU CAN'T TELL MY PARENTS.
>> DO YOU EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL?!
>> DO YOU?
>> WHOO!
I LOVE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES!
>> [ LAUGHS ] OH, DAVE IS A RIOT AT THESE
THINGS!
>> BUT I'M DAVE.
>> THEN WHO'S -- >> DUDE, WE ARE FALLING WAY
BEHIND.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[ "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS ] >> AAAAH!
OOMPH!
>> OH, NO!
WE'RE LATE FOR CHRISTMAS PLAY REHEARSAL.
>> DON'T WORRY.
CHARLIE BROWN'S IN CHARGE.
WE CAN JUST IGNORE HIM AND DANCE REPETITIVELY.
>> I LOVE DANCING REPETITIVELY.
[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ] [ FOOTSTEPS ]
>> LINUS! YOU'RE AWAKE!
>> UH...WHY AM I TIED UP?
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE ME THE LOVE LETTER I ALWAYS
WANTED!
>> LOVE LETTER?
I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL.
>> I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A NURSE.
THEY HAVE SUCH PRETTY WHITE SHOES.
>> THINGS LOOK BAD FOR OL' LINUS.
>> SNOOPY, HAVE YOU SEEN LINUS?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO WALK ME TO CHEMO.
CAN YOU HELP ME FIND HIM?
[ "BATMAN" THEME PLAYS ] [ SIGHS ]
GOOD GRIEF.
>> I MADE SNOWFLAKE SOUP!
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE CATCHING SNOWFLAKES ON YOUR
TONGUE!
>> SO, BASICALLY, YOU MADE ME A BOWL OF HOT WATER?
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] AAAH!
>> VAL KILMER?
HEY!
YOU'RE MY BROTHER'S DOG!
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D FIGURE IT OUT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SO SNOOPY!
OH, HEY!
SNOOPY -- THAT'S YOUR NAME!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
[ LAUGHTER ] AAH!
[ GRUNTS ] >> OH, MY GOD!
SHE JUST MURDERED VAL KILMER!
>> WHERE'S MY LOVE LETTER, SWEET BABOO?
THIS ISN'T A LOVE LETTER.
IT'S A CRY FOR HELP.
DID YOU THINK I'D LET YOU MAIL IT?!
>> BUT, SALLY, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
I ALMOST FORGOT.
DOES THIS TREE LOOK STURDY ENOUGH?
>> UH...F-FOR WHAT?
>> AH!
>> SCH-U-U-U-ULTZ!
[ SIGHS ] IT -- IT'S DONE.
>> REALLY?!
CAN I READ IT?
"DEAR SALLY, SEE THE WORDS ON THIS PAGE?
PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM SO YOU DON'T NOTICE THE THING I'M
ABOUT TO DO."
WOW, I'M HOOK-- [ GAGGING ]
>> [ STRAINS ] SHH. SHH.
IT'S ALMOST OVER. SHH.
[ THUD ] [ DOOR OPENS ]
>> LINUS, THANK GOODNESS!
I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.
>> I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!
>> GOOD GRIEF...
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
EVEN MY SISTER'S A PSYCHO.
>> I NEVER THOUGHT SHE WAS THAT BAD.
SHE WASN'T THAT BAD AT ALL, REALLY.
MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDED A LITTLE LOVE.
>> [ COUGHS ] >> BY THE WAY, VAL KILMER'S
DEAD.
[ DRUMS AND TRIANGLE PLAY ] [ DRUMMING STOPS ]
[ TRIANGLE DINGS ]