[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
[ LIQUID POURING ] >> WELCOME BACK TO "FIRST DATE,"
WHERE WE'VE ALREADY MATCHED UP SOME UNLIKELY COUPLES -- A GEEK
WITH A BEAUTY QUEEN, A BASKETBALL PLAYER WITH A DWARF,
AND "JACKASS" STAR STEVE-O WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A LOSER.
BUT THIS TIME, WE'VE OUTDONE OURSELVES.
SUSAN HAILS FROM LOS ANGELES, AND, LIKE ALL OF US, SHE'S
LOOKING TO BE BITTEN -- THAT IS, SMITTEN -- BY LOVE.
>> SO, I WAS, LIKE, RAISED JEWISH, AND FAMILY'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO ME.
IF MY DAD KNEW HOW IMPORTANT SEX WAS TO ME, I WOULD DIE.
[ GIGGLES ] >> WHEW!
DADDY'S LITTLE PRINCESS HAS A WILD STREAK.
THINK WE CAN FIND SOMEONE TO TAME HER?
DOUGLAS IS A PREDATOR FROM NEWARK, NEW JERSEY, WHO PRIDES
HIMSELF ON HIS TROPHY COLLECTION.
BUT ARE WOMEN JUST PART OF THE HUNT FOR HIM?
>> SURE, I RESPECT WOMEN.
ONE TIME THIS GIRL I KNEW HAD BIG BOOBS.
AND I RESPECT THAT.
I'M A GENTLEMAN.
IF SOMEONE DISRESPECTS MY GIRL, I'LL SKIN HIM.
YOU KNOW, I'M SWEET LIKE THAT.
>> ONE'S AN ALIEN, THE OTHER'S A PREDATOR.
WILL THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY, OR IS THIS A CASE OF SCIENCE
FRICTION?
>> OH, HI.
[ GIGGLES ] >> ARE YOU SUSAN?
>> YES. NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> I'M DOUGLAS.
>> [ GIGGLES ] [ BUZZ! ]
MM, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL DAY WE'RE HAVING.
>> YEAH. YEAH. IT'S GREAT.
>> SO, WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO YOU USUALLY DATE?
>> OH -- [ GIGGLES ]
...I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY HAVE A TYPE.
MY FATHER MAY NOT APPROVE OF YOU, THOUGH, SINCE I'M JEWISH
AND YOU'RE PREDATOR-AMERICAN.
>> OH, HE'S KIND OF PROTECTIVE, HUH?
>> YEAH, TOTALLY.
HE'S KIND OF TOUGH.
[ WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! ] >> SO...
HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX TO YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
PRETTY IMPORTANT, I GUESS.
>> [ Laughing ] YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT SEX.
I GOT TO HAVE IT ALL THE TIME!
>> ALL THE TIME, HUH?
[ CLANK! ] >> HOT TUBS ARE NICE, AREN'T
THEY?
I ALSO LOVE THE WAY THE MOONLIGHT ON THE WATER BRINGS
OUT THE SHINE ON YOUR GIANT SHELL.
>> OH!
[ CROWD BOOING, JEERING ] >> DON'T DO IT!
>> YOU CAN DO BETTER!
EW! YUCK!
>> SO, IT WAS REALLY NICE MEETING YOU.
YOU'RE, UM, YOU'RE A REALLY NICE PERSON.
[ CLANK! ] [ GASPS ]
>> UGH!
>> OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
>> [ GURGLING ] >> ARE YOU OKAY?
UM...
>> [ GURGLING CONTINUES ] >> YOU WANT A BAND-AID?
[ BEEPING ] >> WHOA-HO.
THAT DATE DIDN'T END WELL, DID IT, FOLKS?
THINK THEY'LL EVER GO OUT AGAIN?
LET'S CHECK BACK AND ASK THEM.
GUESS NOT.
>> SECTOR 5 IS CLEAR.
BUT WE SHOULD CHECK AGAIN BEFORE WE --
>> HOLY...
ROGERS, WHAT IS THAT THING?
>> OH, MY GOD!
TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER.
>> I'LL TELL HER YOU DIED A HERO.
[ EXPLOSION ] NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
[ CRYING ] ROGERS!
>> YEAH!
I...AM...GOD!
[ CACKLES ] [ ELECTRONIC BEEPING, MUSIC ]
[ TIRES SCREECH, METAL CRASHES ]
>> HEY, GET AWAY FROM THE TRUCK!
IT'S GONNA BLOW!
>> CAN ANYBODY HELP THIS GUY GET OUT?
>> NOW'S OUR CHANCE, BOYS.
[ RAPID BEEPING ] >> TETSUO!
[ "MASTERPIECE THEATER"-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> WELCOME BACK TO THE "CAROUSEL OF TOMORROW," WHERE WE
LOOK AT HUMANITY'S MARCH INTO THE FUTURE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE, EXCITED VIEWERS, WHAT MARVELS THE
21st CENTURY HOLDS?
WHY, JUST IMAGINE -- THE CHINESE SAY THEY'RE GOING TO LAND A MAN
ON THE MOON BY THE YEAR 2020.
WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE, DO YOU THINK?
>> MEOW. MEOW.
MEOW!
>> INSPIRING.
AS WE REACH TOWARD SPACE, WE ALSO LOOK INWARD.
THE UNLOCKING OF THE HUMAN GENOME WILL ALLOW THE BIRTH OF
PERFECT BABIES IN THE FUTURE.
WHY, THINK OF A WORLD WITHOUT DISEASE...OR MIDGETS --
WHERE EVERY CHILD IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
>> SIEG HEIL!
>> AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT AS HIGH-SPEED INTERNET ACCESS
IMPROVES, DOCTORS CAN PERFORM COMPLICATED SURGERIES WITHOUT
LEAVING THE BEACH?
[ WHIRRING, THUMPING ] YOU WILL.
[ FLATLINE ] AND IN THE FUTURE,
VIRTUAL-REALITY SEX WILL BE PERFECTED, AND SOCIETY WILL BE
FOREVER CHANGED.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ] >> MR. WEMBLEY?
>> YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU, BITCH?
>> WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP.
>> MAYOR McCHEESE!
MAYOR McCHEESE!
HOW DO YOUR VIEWS DIFFER FROM GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER, GIVEN
THAT'S HE'S A REPUBLICAN, AND YOU HAVE A CHEESEBURGER FOR A
HEAD?
>> IT'S A BIRTH DEFECT!
[ SCOFFS ] I'VE DEALT WITH PREJUDICE ALL MY
LIFE.
>> MR. MAYOR!
MR. MAYOR!
THERE HAVE BEEN ALLEGATIONS THAT YOU'VE TAKEN WOMEN TO MOTEL
ROOMS AND PAID THEM TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ON YOUR CHEST.
>> UH, UH, UH...
ROBBLE, ROBBLE, ROBBLE, ROBBLE.
[ JAMES BOND-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ GUNSHOT ]
>> OH, DON'T GET ANY BLOOD ON THE NEW CARPET.
>> AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE JUDAIC SUPERSPY IS BACK IN ACTION.
>> NEVER MESS WITH A MAN'S ROTH IRA!
>> NOW, THE HOOD-MOUNTED GATLING GUNS ARE QUITE DEADLY.
>> HOW MANY MILES PER GALLON?
>> UH, 25 OR SO.
NOW, THE SMOKE-SCREEN GENERATOR --
>> IS THAT HIGHWAY OR CITY MILEAGE?
YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK, GOYFINGER?
>> NO, MR. HASHANAH.
I EXPECT YOU TO EAT THIS BLT!
>> THAT'S NOT KOSHER!
[ GAGGING ] >> THIS SUMMER, GET CHILLIN'
WITH THE TEFILLIN.
>> I WOULD GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!
I WOULD GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY --
>> NO DEAL, WIMPY.
>> OH, NO!
>> HEH!
>> [ SIGHS ] NO MORE HAMBURGERS FOR OLD
WIMPY.
>> DON'T DO THAT, DEAR BOY.
>> WHY NOT?
>> WHY, JUST LOOK AT WHAT EVERYONE'S LIVES WOULD BE LIKE
WITHOUT YOU.
[ Echoing ] WITHOUT YOU, WITHOUT YOU.
>> GOOD JOB, BLUTO.
>> NICE HAIR, POPEYE!.
[ BOING! BOING! ] >> BOUNCY-BOUNCY.
[ GIGGLES ] >> THANKS FOR CURING CANCER,
ALICE THE GOON.
>> OH, WELL, SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.
>> HUH?
WH-O-O-OA!
HAMBURGER!
[ SPLASH ] [ ELECTRONIC BEEPING, MUSIC ]
[ WHOOSH! TING! ] [ BEEPING, MUSIC CONTINUE ]
[ THUNK! ] [ BEEPING STOPS ]
[ CLANK! ] [ CRUNCH! ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ CLICK! BEEP! ]
[ BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ] [ BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ]
[ CLICK! BEEP! ]
[ EXPLOSION ] [ GUNSHOT ]
[ SPRAY! ] >> I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED.
I'LL PUT MY WEDDING RING ON A STICK.
EEK!
A CROPSE BRIDE!
>> THAT'S NOT A STICK.
THAT'S MY HAND.
NOW WE'RE MARRIED, JOHNNY DEPP!
>> EEK!
>> All: SKELETON DANCE, SKELETON DANCE.
FUNKY, FUNKY SKELETON DANCE.
>> HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR THE PRESENT.
>> BARK, BARK, BARK.
>> HOORAY!
MY DEAD DOG.
>> WHY IS THE DOG DEAD?
>> BECAUSE DOGS DIE.
>> NOT MY DOG.
>> UH-HUH.
>> NUH-UNH.
>> UH-HUH.
>> [ CRYING ] >> NOW I WILL DRINK THE POISON
SO WE CAN BE MARRIED, CROPSE BRIDE.
>> IT'S CORPSE BRIDE!
>> I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY DEPP!
>> HO, HO, HO.
IT WAS I WHO KILLED THE COPIES BRIDE.
>> CORPSE!
>> NOW I FIGHT YOU!
>> FIGHT!
>> FIRE, FIRE, BANG, BANG!
>> STOP MOTION!
>> NOW DRINK THIS POISON!
>> OKAY.
UH-OH.
I'M DEAD.
>> AND REMEMBER...
>> YEECH!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DON'T DRINK POISON.
>> IT'S POISON.
>> [ GROANS ] [ MUNCHING ]
>> WHAZUUUP, PONDA?
LET'S BUST OUT EARLY AND HIT THAT NEW CANTINA ACROSS THE
STREET.
COME ON!
ONE DRINK AIN'T GONNA KILL YA!
[ "CANTINA BAND" PLAYS ] >> [ BABBLING ]
>> [ SQUEAKING ] >> LIKE I'M REALLY GONNA EAT A
BUNCH OF BANANAS AFTER THAT?
[ BOTH LAUGH ] HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.
YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF.
WE'RE WANTED MEN.
I HAVE THE DEATH SENTENCE ON 12 SYSTEMS.
>> I'LL BE CAREFUL.
>> YOU'LL BE DEAD.
[ LIGHTSABER IGNITES ] >> [ SCREAMING ]
[ CRYING ] >> GEE, PONDA, I JUST DON'T SEE
HOW YOU CAN KEEP DESIGNING WITH NO DRAWING ARM.
I'M SORRY, BUT WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪
BA-GAWK! BAWK.