>> I SUPPOSE YOUR PRESENCE HERE MEANS I MADE THE NAUGHTY LIST.
>> WE DON'T MIND A LITTLE MISCHIEF, JAYDEN.
FLASHING YOUR WEE-WEE AT THE MAID -- THAT'S ONE STEP TOO FAR.
>> AND WHERE IS MY MOTHER?
[ SIGHS ] I SEE.
AND HOW DID SHE DIE?
>> NOT WELL.
>> [ MUFFLED SCREAM ] >> SHE MADE YOU WORK FOR IT, DID
SHE?
YOU'LL FIND I'M NOT SO EASY.
[ GUN COCKS ] [ CLICK, CLICK ]
THEY SAY THE SECOND ONE IS ALWAYS --
[ TOY SQUEAKS ] >> CONSIDERABLY.
>> AAAH!
>> HAH!
[ JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> HA HA!
HAA...
OH, IT WAS A LOT FUNNIER WHEN JOKEY SMURF DID IT, HUH?
>> IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TREE EVER!
>> IT CERTAINLY IS, SWEETIE!
>> [ Crying ] MY WIFE!
[ SOBS ] YOU KILLED HER!
AND YOU DECORATED HER!
>> BACK TO YOUR HOMES!
AS THE FIRST ATHEIST MAYOR, I AM SHUTTING DOWN THE CHURCH.
>> BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS!
>> WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT WHEN I CAMPAIGNED AS THE
FIRST ATHEIST MAYOR.
[ CROWD MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY ] >> CAN WE AT LEAST HEAR THE
CHRISTMAS CHIMES?
>> NO!
IN FACT, I REMOVED THE CHIMEY THINGY THAT MAKES THE CHIMEY
NOISE.
SO YOU'RE SCREWED!
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] OH, AND VOTE FOR ME IN NOVEMBER.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ BELLS JINGLING ]
[ CLANGING ] >> DADDY! DADDY!
EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS!
[ CLANGING CONTINUES ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS ] >> WHAT THE --
WHAT THE -- OH, MY!
[ GASPING ] [ BELL TOLLS ]
>> REMEMBER TO KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS!
[ CLANGING ] [ CLASHES ]
>> BROUGHT TO YOU BY A CHURCH.
>> DID YOU REMEMBER TO GET MRS. CLAUS SOMETHING?
>> [ INHALES DEEPLY ] GO GET HER A MUG FROM THE
STATIONERY STORE.
[ EPIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> THE REWARD FOR THOR'S GOOD
DEEDS -- A SHINY BICYCLE!
>> A LUMP OF COAL?!
>> HA HA HA!
I LOVE MY SON THOR AND NOT MY SON LOKI.
AND SANTA AGREES.
HA HA!
MY PARENTING IS MOST INEQUITABLE.
>> I AM OFF TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE TO OFFER RIDES
TO THE SHIRTLESS, MUSCULAR WARRIORS WHO THERE CONGREGATE.
>> BAH!
NEXT CHRISTMAS, VICTORY SHALL BELONG TO LOKI, GOD OF MISCHIEF.
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] [ CHUCKLES ]
[ Mockingly ] OOH, I'M THOR, AND I'M VERY THIRSTY.
[ GLUGGING ] [ SIGHS ]
NO ONE MINDS IF I GET ANOTHER, HMM?
[ LAUGHS ] [ DISPENSER HISSES ]
♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ I'M THOR, AND I'M PEEING ♪
♪ I'VE GOT GREAT AIM 'CAUSE I'M THE GOD OF THUNDER ♪
>> [ Weakly ] OH, DEAR.
HOLD THE DOOR.
>> OH, DON'T WORRY. I GOT IT.
HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
THOR, GOD OF THUNDER.
BY THE WAY, EAT THIS.
HA HA!
[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ] [ BICYCLE BELL RINGING ]
>> [ SPITS ] BY MY OWN BEARD!
IS IT CHRISTMAS DAY OR OPPOSITE DAY?
NAY! IT IS CHRISTMAS DAY!
>> I HATH BEEN GOOD! I HATH!
SANTA CLAUS SHALL TASTE A THUNDER GOD'S WRATH!
>> [ SNICKERING ] >> GOOD GOD!
>> BUT NOT GOOD YNOUGH FOR YE, EH?
HAVE AT THEE!
>> AAAAAAAH!
>> HYAH!
UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!
>> AAAAAA-- [ CRUNCH ]
[ SQUISH ] >> THOR DID NONE OF THIS!
WHY WOULD A THUNDER GOD REFILL HIS SODA E'EN AFTER HIS THIRST
WAS SLAKED?
OR URINATE HITHER AND YON?
OR MURDER AN OLD WOMAN?
WELL I DIDDETH NOT THE OTHER TWO.
I SMELL MY BROTHER'S DECEITFUL HAND IN THIS.
RISE, NOBLE CLAUS.
THOU WAST FOOLED, AS WAS I!
LOKI'S VILLAINY MUST BE REVEALED!
>> WHOO! I'M THOR AS HELL!
>> HE'S A MADMAN! STOP HIM!
>> FEAR NOT, SANTA CLAUS!
YOU YOURSELF SHALL MAKE LOKI PAY -- A YEAR HENCE, WHEN YOU
BRING HIM A LUMP OF COAL ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
>> GOD OF THUNDER!
>> I LOVE IT WHEN IT SNOWS.
IT'S SO PEACEFUL.
[ ALL SCREAMING ] >> AAAAAAAH! OH! OH, GOD!
I'M FALLING!
WHA-- WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] IS THAT THE GROUND? AAH!
HOLY [BLEEP] THAT'S THE [BLEEP] GROUND!
THIS IS IT!
GAME OVER, MAN!
[ THUD ] >> G-G-GET OFF OF ME!
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT ON-- GET OFF OF ME!
>> I CAN'T! I CAN'T GET UP!
[ THUD ] [ THUD ]
>> UGH! UNGH! U-UNGH!
IT'S A MADHOUSE!
IT'S A MADHO-O-O-USE!
>> I HATE SNOW.
WE SHOULD GO TO TAHITI NEXT CHRISTMAS.
>> YEAH, LET'S DO THAT!
[ SNOWFLAKES SCREAMING ] >> Shhhhhhh.
>> [ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ] [ CLICK, HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ]
>> HUH?
>> AWWW...
>> THAT'S WEIRD.
>> All: AAAAH!
[ CLICK ] >> OKAY, I DELIVERED ALL THE
BOMBS.
NOW, PLEASE DON'T HURT MY FAMILY!
>> AND THE JEWS?
ARE THE JEWS DEAD, TOO?
>> BUT...JEWS DON'T EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
>> THEN YOU HAVE FAILED!
>> N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
[ GUNSHOTS ] >> DON'T FORGET ABOUT TERRORISM
THIS CHRISTMAS.
A MESSAGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HO-HO-HOMELAND SECURITY.
[ "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS ] >> I'D LIKE TO BUY A CHAIN FOR
MY HUSBAND'S WATCH.
>> $75.
>> OH, MY! I CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
UNLESS...
I'D LIKE TO SELL MY HAIR, PLEASE.
[ CLICK, CLIPPERS BUZZING ] >> I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME BRUSHES
FOR MY WIFE'S BEAUTIFUL HAIR, PLEASE.
>> $75.
>> FOR BRUSHES? WHAT THE [BLEEP] WHAT ARE THEY, SOLID GOLD?
MY WATCH IS 75 BUCKS, AND IT IS A [BLEEP] ANTIQUE!
[ WATCH TICKING ] >> WHAT THE [BLEEP] HAPPENED TO
YOU?
>> I WANTED TO BUY YOU A CHAIN FOR YOUR WATCH, SO I-I SOLD MY
HAIR TO DO IT.
>> HOLY [BLEEP] YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE CANCER!
COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST LET ME KEEP MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE FOR
CHRISTMAS?!
>> YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
>> WELL, HERE'S WHERE THE IRONY KICKS IN!
I WANTED TO GET YOU HAIRBRUSHES FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT THE MAN SAID
I'D HAVE TO SELL MY WATCH TO AFFORD THEM.
>> OH, NO! YOU SOLD YOUR WATCH?
>> [BLEEP] NO!
WHAT AM I -- CRAZY?
FOR BRUSHES?!
I THINK THE CAT BRUSH IS JUST AS [BLEEP] GOOD, AND THAT THING WAS
A BUCK FIFTY!
>> [ Voice breaking ] SO YOU DIDN'T GET ME BRUSHES?
>> WHAT, DID THEY SHAVE YOUR EARS, TOO?
I SAID "NO" ALREADY!
>> OH. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] THEN WHAT DID YOU GET ME?
>> LINGERIE!
NOW GO POP THAT SUCKER ON.
THIS TOO.
>> YEAH...
I'M GONNA GO STAY WITH MY MOM FOR A WHILE.
[ SLEIGH BELLS RINGING ] >> HOW'S THE VIEW BACK THERE,
BUDDY?
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS MY ASS.
>> [ GAGS ] >> HUH?
>> [ Echoing ] HE-E-LP M-E-E-E!
>> PUT 'ER DOWN, BOYS.
HELP IS COMING, LITTLE BOY!
ARE YOU HURT?
>> I'VE BEEN DOWN HERE THREE DAYS WITH NO FOOD OR WATER!
[ Voice breaking ] AND I POOPED IN MY PANTS!
>> THREE DAYS?!
HE COULD DIE OF THIRST BEFORE WE REACH HIM!
>> NOT ON MY WATCH!
>> WHAT ARE YOU -- COMET, STOP PEEING ON THAT
CHILD!
>> I SAW IT ON "MAN vs. WILD."
YOU CAN DRINK PEE, PEE IT OUT, AND DRINK IT AGAIN -- THREE
TIMES IF YOU WANT!
>> THIS RAIN TASTES LIKE OATS.
>> THE FIRE DEPARTMENT IS ON ITS WAY.
>> THERE'S NO TIME!
>> COMET, NO!
[ THUNK ] COMET?
>> UM...
OKAY, I'M STUCK LIKE HALFWAY DOWN.
[ HOOVES SCRAPING ] ALMOST THERE.
[ SMACK ] [ SIRENS WAIL ]
>> COULD HAVE THROWN A ROPE AND HARNESS DOWN TO THE KID, EXCEPT
YOUR REINDEER IS PLUGGIN' UP THE HOLE NOW.
>> JUST THROW DOWN A GRENADE!
>> WHAT?!
>> THROW DOWN ONE GRENADE TO LAUNCH ME TOWARD THE BOTTOM.
THEN I'LL GRAB THE BOY WITH MY TEETH, AND YOU CAN THROW DOWN A
SECOND GRENADE TO LAUNCH ME TO THE SURFACE!
>> YOUR DEER DON'T KNOW [BLEEP] ABOUT GRENADES, DOES HE?
>> HE SPENDS MOST OF HIS LIFE ON A FROZEN TUNDRA.
REINDEER DON'T KNOW [BLEEP] ABOUT [BLEEP] QUITE FRANKLY.
>> SO, LISTEN, THANKS TO YOUR DEER, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
EXCAVATE HALF THIS FIELD.
>> OH, MY GOD!
COMET?! LITTLE BOY?!
>> THANK YOU, COMET!
YOU'VE SAVED ME!
>> AW, AIN'T NO THING.
>> ACTUALLY, ABOUT 100 VOLUNTEERS WORKING AROUND THE
CLOCK WITH HEAVY MACHINERY WERE THE ONES WHO --
>> I LOVE YOU, MR. COMET!
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO, MR. LITTLE BOY!
>> UGH.
THAT STILL FREAKS ME OUT.
>> YEAH, IT'S 100% BADASS, ALL RIGHT.
>> TAKE US BACK TO THE NORTH POLE.
A-AND DON'T SAY THE LINE.
>> AW, I GOT TO SAY THE LINE.
PLEASE?
PLE-E-E-ASE?
>> [ GROANS ] FINE. FINE. WHATEVER.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] LEGS, WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE
DON'T NEED LEGS!
YEAH!
AND AWAY WE GO!
[ UPBEAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS ] >> [ CRYING ]
>> HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS ALLERGIC TO NUTS?