AND NOW BACK TO "THE LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS:
THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE" CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.
WHO? WHO?
[ WINGS FLAPPING ] WHO IS WATCHING THIS PROGRAM?
[ SIGHS ] MAN, CHRISTMAS GETS ALL THE
ANIMATED SPECIALS.
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD DO ONE FOR THE OT HOLIDAYS.
THAT WOULD BE SO COOL.
[ INHALES, YAWNS ] SO...COOL.
[ WARBLE! ] [ GROANS ]
HUH?!
AAAAAH!
AAH! AAH!
HE'S A MANIAC! HELP!
Both: HUH?
OH! WHAT?!
[ PANTING, CRYING ] WHOOPS!
UNH!
WHAT?
OH, BOY.
[ FUNKY, MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
OW! YOUR FEET! YEEOW!
OW!
OW! OW! OH, MY GOD!
[ SNEEZES ] UH -- HEY! OW! YEOW! YEOW!
UH, THAT'S OKAY. NO, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, NO.
[ CHATTERS ] WHAT THE FUCK
UNH! UNH!
OH, YEAH!
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
HERE GOES.
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS TO QUIT DRINKING!
3...2...1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All: YAY!
[ TWINKLE! ] WHOA! YOU'RE BABY NEW YEAR!
DID YOU COME HERE TO HELP ME RING IN 2015?
NO, JIM.
I CAME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE PROMISE YOU MADE.
REMEMBER -- TO GIVE UP DRINKING?
BUT I MADE THAT RESOLUTION 10 SECONDS AGO.
IT'S BINDING.
HYAH!
[ SCREAMING ] ♪ BABY NEW YEAR,
RESOLUTION ENFORCER ♪ THE CHIPMUNKS' CHRISTMAS
ALBUM WENT DOUBLE-MAHOGANY ON THE CHARTS.
SO WE DECIDED TO RELEASE A HOLIDAY ALBUM FOR THE OTHER
HOLIDAYS.
♪ THEODORE TAKE A LISTEN.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] All: ♪ ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS
FINALLY HERE ♪ ♪ TIME TO DRINK OUR WEIGHT
IN BEER ♪ ♪ SIPPING GREEN ALE FROM A CAN
♪ I THINK I BLEW A HOMELESS MAN ♪
AND WHAT'S SURE TO BE A HALLOWEEN CLASSIC.
All: ♪ HELLO, PEOPLE, TRICK OR TREAT ♪
♪ I HOPE YOU GIVE US SOMETHING SWEET ♪
♪ GIVE US CANDY, THAT'S THE PLAN ♪
♪ I THINK I BLEW A HOMELESS MAN ♪
UH, THEODORE, I THINK YOU'RE REPEATING THE LYRIC FROM
ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
NOPE.
I BLEW A HOMELESS MAN ON HALLOWEEN ALSO.
I WAS HIGH ON CANDY.
OKAY! WELL, THERE'S -- AND PCP.
THERE'S ALSO A GREAT SONG FOR THANKSGIVING!
All: ♪ HOORAY, IT'S FINALLY TURKEY DAY ♪
♪ WE'LL DRINK AND LAUGH OUR CARES AWAY ♪
♪ EAT PIES OF PUMPKIN AND PECAN ♪
I PROBABLY DIDN'T BLOW A HOMELESS MAN...?
THEODORE, THIS IS A SAFE PLACE.
♪ OKAY, I DEFINITELY BLEW A HOMELESS MAN ♪
[ BELLS JINGLE ] ♪ HE SEES YOU
WHEN YOU'RE HEALTHY ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS WHEN YOU FEEL SICK
[ COUGHS ] ♪ HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN
NAUGHTY OR NICE ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, SANTA CAN'T BE
TRICKED ♪ ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO OVER MY
NAUGHTY-AND-NICE LIST FOR THIS YEAR.
WELL, BILLY MARCHETTI IN ROCHESTER STOLE A CANDY BAR.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS NOW ON MY NAUGHTY LIST.
BUT HE DID IT BECAUSE HIS FAMILY'S ON WELFARE AND HIS MOM
TRADED ALL THE FOOD STAMPS FOR HEROIN.
OH.
UM...
HMM.
THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.
♪ HE WATCHES WHEN YOU'RE HOME ♪
♪ HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAY ♪ HE'S ALSO STARTING TO
REALIZE ♪ ♪ THAT LIFE IS MORALLY GRAY
REGINA FROM NOME, ALASKA, GOT AN "A" ON HER MATH QUIZ.
WELL, THAT'S CUT-AND-DRIED -- A GIFT FOR REGINA.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE SHE CHEATED.
OKAY, COAL FOR REGINA.
BU-U-U-U-U-U-T...
SHE ONLY CHEATED ON THE TEST BECAUSE SHE CAN'T READ THE
BLACKBOARD DUE TO THE FACT SHE'S DYSLEXIC.
AGHHH!
♪ HE'S HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ♪
♪ THAT SMUG LOOK'S WIPED OFF OF HIS FACE ♪
GUYS. GUYS, STOP.
STOP SINGING.
ALL RIGHT? JUST -- JUST STOP.
I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
[ WIND WHISTLING ] HELP YOURSELF TO SOME
COOKIES, SHERRY.
I MADE THEM FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE.
I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDN'T.
BUT HEY, YOLO.
UNH!
♪ BABY NEW YEAR, RESOLUTION ENFORCER ♪
MOTHER, ARE YOU WATCHING OVER ME, LIKE SIMBA'S DAD DID FOR
HIM?
[ Echoing ] HERE I AM, BAMBI.
OH, WOW! MOM!
D-DO YOU HAVE ANY SAGE ADVICE FOR ME?
YES, MY SON.
THE RAMPANT DEER POPULATION IS A REAL PROBLEM.
YOU HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF.
I-I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME, LIKE, I WAS THE ONE
TRUE KING OR SOMETHING.
NO. YOU'RE A DEER.
DEER ARE MEANINGLESS!
MEANINGLESS...
MEANINGLESS.
OH, I WISH I HAD KNOWN HER, FATHER.
YES, SHE WAS QUITE WONDERFUL.
TELL ME -- WHAT WAS SHE LIKE?
UNH! UNH! UNH! YEAH!
[ DOLPHIN SQUEALS ] OH, SHE WAS ENTHUSIASTIC, THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE IN HER POD.
OH, THAT'S -- WAIT -- POD? WHAT POD?
[ Yiddish accent ] NEMO, PUT ON YOUR YARMULKE FOR YOUR
MOTHER.
I DON'T WANT TO! WE'RE FISH!
THIS IS STUPID!
PUT ON YOUR YARMULKE, NEMO!
I'M TIRED OF YOUR SHIT!
SH'MA. FISHRAEL FISH ADONAI...
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM ALL OF US IN THE DISNEY FAMILY
WHO'VE LOST OUR MOTHERS.
MICKEY, DO YOU MISS YOUR MAMA, TOO?
HA! NO!
SHE ATE ALL MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
MICE ARE MONSTERS.
[ Lisping ] OH, NO.
IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, AND I HAVE TOO MANY DATES.
HAPPY HANUKKAH, JOSHUA.
HERE.
I GOT YOU LOTS OF HANUKKAH GELT.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] [ Rapping ] ♪ I GOT SO MUCH
HANUKKAH GELT ♪ ♪ YO, THIS MUSTA BEEN
HOW ROCKEFELLER FELT ♪ ♪ CHOCOLATE MONEY,
IT AIN'T EVEN FUNNY ♪ ♪ KEEP MY WALLET IN THE FREEZER
SO THAT SHIT DON'T MELT ♪ ♪ I WALK INTO THE CLUB,
AND I MAKE IT RAIN ♪ ♪ AND NOW YOUR BOOTY ALL COVERED
IN A CHOCOLATE STAIN ♪ ♪ GELT IN MY SOCKS,
GELT IN THE BANKS ♪ ♪ I GIVE GELT TO MY HOMIES,
AND THEY SAY... ♪ Together: THANKS!
♪ I GIVE GELT TO THE GERMANS, AND THEY SAY... ♪
Together: DANKE!
♪ I GOT MORE CHOCOLATE THAN WILLY WONKA ♪
♪ SO MUCH GELT, IT'LL MAKE YOU SICK ♪
♪ I GOT MORE HOT COCOA THAN ICE-T's DICK ♪
♪ SO MUCH CHOCOLATE, MAKE YA POP YA BELT ♪
♪ YA UNDERSTAND ME, MOTHER FUCKER ♪
♪ I GOT SO MUCH GELT [ GASPS ] HEY!
THIS MONEY'S MADE OF CHOCOLATE.
YOU OWE US 3 GRAND.
OY GEVALT!
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, MY SMURFS!
THIS IS THE DAY ON WHICH WE HONOR ALL THE FALLEN SMURFS
OF SMURFS PAST.
MYSPACE SMURF.
[ BELL TOLLS ] PAYPHONE SMURF.
[ BELL TOLLS ] OHHH, "TALK TO THE HAND" SMURF.
[ BELL TOLLS ] MICHAEL DUKAKIS SMURF.
[ BELL TOLLS ] I'M SENSING A TREND HERE.
ALL OF THESE SMURFS WERE KIND OF OUTDATED.
YES, IT IS A SAD THING WHEN A SMURF OUTLIVES HIS USEFULNESS.
I MEAN, DIES.
WELL, DID THESE SMURFS DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES?
WELL, LET ME THINK.
[ TWINKLE! ] HMM.
DOESN'T LOOK BUSY ENOUGH.
[ GUNSHOT ] [ GUNSHOT ]
EW! TALK TO THE HAN-- [ GUNSHOT ]
YEP -- NATURAL CAUSES.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] HANDY SMURF -- TONIGHT.
HE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
MRROW.
[ SIGHS ] I SWORE I'D STOP SPANKING IT,
BUT I JUST CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU, MARJORY.
UNH! UNH! UNH!
BROKE YOUR RESOLUTION, EH?
[ CHOKING ] THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER!
I'M GONNA SIT THIS ONE OUT.
♪ BABY NEW YEAR, RESOLUTION ENFORCER ♪
I LOVE SPENDING THESE NIGHTS TOGETHER, BABY.
JUST ME, YOU, AND THE DESOLATION OF NATURE.
I LOVE YOU, ST. NICK.
[ RUMBLING ] WHAT THE FUCK
SANTA! MRS. CLAUS!
IT IS A TRUE HONOR TO MEET YOU.
I -- HEY, THANKS FOR BLOCKING OUR
VIEW, DUMBASS!
OH. SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR PLACE WAS HERE WHEN I THREW THE CRYSTAL.
GOOD THING I DIDN'T HOOK IT, OR YOUR HOUSE WOULD BE IN MY LIVING
ROOM.
[ LAUGHS ] THERE'S A MILLION FUCKING
MILES OF ICE UP HERE, AND YOU PICK 20 FEET FROM OUR HOUSE FOR
THIS...
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.
YOU BUILT YOUR FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE NEXT TO THE ONLY OTHER
HOUSE IN THE ENTIRE ARCTIC?!
IT'LL BE NICE TO HAVE A NEIGHBOR.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?
ANOTHER TIME, MA'AM.
DUTY CALLS.
UP, UP, AND AWAY!
DOUCHE.
BLITZEN, HAVE YOU BEEN CHEWING ON MY BOOTS AGAIN?
OH, GOD!
[ SIGHS ] SON OF A BITCH.
I HAD A FUN THOUGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU WEAR A CAPE TONIGHT?
WHAT?
WITH AN "S" ON IT.
YOU KNOW -- FOR "SANTA."
[ GROWLS ] HELLO? HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION?
SUPERMAN'S PLACE IS SO CLOSE TO MINE, I CAN SMELL IT WHEN HE
TAKES A CRAP.
OH. FINE. WHATEVER.
ALL RIGHT, SEE IF SUPERMAN BRINGS YOUR KID THAT NEW
WHEELCHAIR THIS CHRISTMAS.
THE H.O.A. WON'T KICK HIM OUT UNLESS I FIND JUST CAUSE, HUH?
HMM.
WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO BUILDS AN ENTIRE MINIATURE CITY IN A
BOTTLE?
OW! TINY PEOPLE!
WE'VE GOT TINY SUPERPEOPLE HERE!
WHAT THE HELL?!
AAAAARGH!
AHHH!
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE ]
[ GROANS ] THAT'S IT!
[ Slurred ] WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
THIS PARTY IS TOO GODDAMN LOUD!
WHERE'S SUPERMAN?
WHAT THE...?
RUDOLPH?
HUH?
NAW, MAN. I'M D.J. VENISON.
BETRAYAL!
HEY, EVERYONE.
[ MUSIC STOPS ] GRANDPA SAYS WE'RE BEING TOO
LOUD.
[ ANGRY MURMURING ] WHAT?!
WHICH ONE OF YOU BUTTHOLES IS SHOOTING ARROWS?!
YAAAAAH!
HELLO, NEIGHBOR!
SUCK ON THIS RULING, TINKER BELL!
THE H.O.A. SAYS YOU'RE OUT!
WELL, THE RULES ARE THE RULES.
GUESS I SHOULD START PACKING.
[ LAUGHS ] YEAH. YOU DO THAT.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
OH, IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY, MARTHA.
NO MORE SUPERM-- WHAT THE --
SUPERMA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-N!
I'M SURE SANTA'S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, MARTHA.
I'LL LOOK SOME MORE -- TOMORROW.
MORNING.
MM!
OHHH!
[ WARBLE! ] EHHHHH?!
OH, BOY.
Shh.
DON'T SPEAK.
MNNNNNNNNNNH!
[ FUNKY, MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] OH!
[ GASPS ] FRIEND OF YOURS?
[ GASPS ] OHH!